The Red Haired Stranger
A “King of the Hill” Script
By Joe Sanders
620 Forum Drive
Roselle, IL60172
630-973-8922
06/29/08
WGA#1292420
Act I
EXTERIOR MIDDAY HILL'S DRIVEWAY
Luanne and Lucky are getting out of their truck and walking into the Hill's house. It is dark and it appears that no one is home.
LUANNE
I really liked that movie, but I don’t understand why everyone was being so mean to that donkey?
LUCKY
It's the circle of life.
INTERIROR HILL'S HOUSE
Luanne and Lucky walk through the house to the backyard, Peggy is throwing them a surprise baby shower. Everyone is hiding; Peggy, Bobby, Mihn, Nancy, Joseph, and others.
EXTERIOR MIDDAY HILL'S BACKYARD
Everyone jumps out.
EVERYONE
Surprise!
PEGGY
(Trying to take a picture of Luanne but her camera doesn’t work)Dang it! Wait, wait. Ok here we go let's do it one more time.
EVERYONE
Groaning.
PEGGY
Now, now, come on people here we go. And…
EVERYONE
Surprise!
PEGGY
(Taking a picture of Luanne)
Got it! Peggy Hill has done it again.
LUANNE
Wow this is really nice, but wasn't it just my birthday last year?
PEGGY
No Luanne, this is a baby shower. Everyone has come to give you things for the baby. For instance, I have given you a set of baby clothes, and I am prepared for every scenario. Baseball if it’s a boy and Softball if it’s a girl.
MIHN
I give you toy that makes barn yard animal sounds. Make baby feel right at home.
NANCY
Here you go shug.
LUANNE
Ohhh?
NANCY
It’s a baby monitor. I used it when Joseph was a baby, now Dale uses it to spy on our neighbors.
LUANNE
This is so nice. I bet if my baby could talk it would say, (In baby talk) thank you very much.
PEGGY
We also have another surprise for you Luanne. John Redcorn has come to sing you a new song he has written especially for this occasion. Inspiration from Peggy Hill.
JOHN REDCORN
Luanne, you and Lucky have been truly blessed with gift of a child. I wrote this song in the hopes that your baby will blossom, and grow to be a great warrior, and that he may grow strong surrounded by the warm embrace of a loving family, and a healthy spirit.
LUANNE
(Nancy glancing over at her) Ahh…
John Redcorn begins to sing the song and then fade to the last verse, everyone is clapping. People then start to assemble near the food table and surround Luanne.
2 women are speaking to John Redcorn, and Nancy is watching, waiting for them to leave so she can go talk to him. The 2 women leave and Nancy walks over.
JOHN REDCORN
Nancy.
NANCY
Hi John Redcorn. That was so sweet.
JOHN REDCORN
Thank you. I was inspired by the love I feel for my own son, as wellthe relationship between Meredith and Dr. Sheppard on Grey's Anatomy.
NANCY
So I was thinking that maybe we could get together later, you know, for old times sake.
JOHN REDCORN
That would be nice.
TRACY, a beautiful 30 year old red-headed woman wearing an expensive hip outfit walks over.
TRACY
(Interrupting, walking in to the conversation talking on her cell phone) That sounds great! (Hanging up her cell phone) Ok well they said it couldn’t be done, but I got you booked in the swankest pre school in Dallas for asking price, plus a cut of the house.
(ToNancy) Oh hello.
JOHN REDCORN
Nancy, this is Tracy, my, uh manager. She's helping me expand my territory and market my killer sound.
TRACY
When I'm done with him, every kid in America is going to own a Redcorn album, book, doll, and DVD.
JOHN REDCORN
Tracy use to work for a big talent agency; she use to manage Carson Daily.
TRACY
Yes, but that was in my other life. Now I'm just happy to have someone to come home to every night, and a job where I can stay in one place for more than 3 days at a time.
NANCY
(Unsure) How nice for you.
PEGGY
(Interrupting, and calling everyone over) Ok, now its time to play a little game I like to call BINGO. But, instead of using the word bingo, we are going to use the word LUANE Bobby, pass out the cards, and everyone get a stamp. Come on.
EVERYONE
Groans.
Peggy keeps talking and setting up the game, Nancy walks over to where Peggy and the others are, but is still watching John Redcorn and Tracy pack up their things to go. She is getting curious of their relationship. The suspension builds, and then after a moment, they kiss. Nancy is shocked. Mihn is also looking that direction.
MIHN
Whoa, there he goes again. Maybe this time he'll get to keep it.
-FADE OUT-
EXTERIOR MIDDAYTHE ALLEY
Hank, Dale, Bill and Boomhauer are drinking beer in the alley. Dale is wearing his exterminator outfit.
HANK
Yep
BOOMHAUER
Em hm
BILL
Yep
DALE
Ye…… (His cell phone rings, he takes out his cell phone)…..Gribble Enterprises. Yes Dale is available, please hold. (Cups the phone with his hand and makes on hold music noises). This is Mr. Gribble. Yes, No, No, No, No, No, Yes! I'm sure we can send someone over to take care of that
(Continued)
for you. No, No, No, No, No, Yes, No. Sure right away. No, thank you. (Dale puts the phone back in his pocket. Then he takes a swig of beer) Yep.
Brief silence.
HANK
So, is that a new cell phone Dale?
DALE
A phone Hank, yes, but it's so much more.This not only gives my customers 24 access to Dale's Dead Bug, it also insures that no matter where I am I can be informed in
the event of a militant uprising, political cou, or Y2K bug attack. I can also get up to the minute important information from the Gribble Conspiracy watch. It also takes neat pictures. (He takes a picture of Hank) (Phone rings, Dale answers, and he sounds serious at first) Hello. Yes Octavio. Hmmm, interesting, that sounds serious. Better check it out. Get back to me as soon as you find anything (Dale hangs up his phone).
BILL
What's the matter Dale?
DALE
Well I can't say too much, but let's just say it has something to do with Octavio, and a check engine light.
BOOMHAUER
(Takes out his cell phone)Yeah man, talking bout always on, text, pic, email, in the car or on the john man, don’t matter man, talking bout always on man.
HANK
You too Boomhauer?
BILL
I have a cell phone. But after carrying it around for a while, no one called me, so now I leave it at home… you know just in case. Hank you have a cell phone, I've seen you with it.
HANK
My cell phone Bill is for propane emergencies, and can only be used for business purposes. I don’t need to be walking or driving around like some jack ass talking on the phone all the time.
DALE
(Phone rings, he picks up) Gribble Enterprises, Uh huh, uh huh, yes uh huh. Hmmm. You want them dead you say.Show no mercy.Hmmm. Sounds interesting, yeah I'll take the case. Em hmm, ok got it. (He puts his cell phone down)
BILL
Now what's the matter Dale?
DALE
Seems that there is a rat infestation down at Molly's Café. (Begins dialing his phone)
HANK
No not Molly's!
DALE
(Talking into his cell phone)
Octavio, meet me at the place. No the other place. And bring the equipment, that’s right. Then we'll (whispers inaudible into phone, then very serious). Right, ha ha!
(Dale begins to put on his mask and co2 canister)
HANK
Dale be careful this time, this is not a currency exchange or a Starbucks, its Molly's, home of the best pie in HeimlichCounty.
DALE
I will. (Breathing through hi mask) Well I'm off. (Lifts up mask)Oh and can someone pick up Octavio?The bug-a-bago is a little low.
-CUT-
INTERIOR STRICKLAND PROPANE
Hank is sitting at his desk doing paper work when Buck walks in.
BUCK
Good news Hank.It seems that the ArlenMedicalCenter is out of business.
HANK
What do you mean sir?
BUCK
Seems they went belly up after some college boy they hired was stealing profits, bleeding 'em dry. So, it's been bought out by some big wig outfit from San Antonio.
HANK
So, why is this good news?
BUCK
Well, now that they're under new ownership that means they need to renegotiate their contract. So I' m sending you out to get Buck a better deal.
HANK
But Arlen Medical has been a Strickland customer for years.
BUCK
Not no more Hank.New owner, new deal. Now go out and reclose this son of a bitch. I'm counting on you Hank.
HANK
Don't you worry Buck, I will "close" this "deal" the same way I always do. With my 14 point presentation, and a slice of homemade cherry pie.
BUCK
Hope you're not talking bout old Molly’s pie.
HANK
What?
BUCK
Yeah, I heard that Molly’s Cafe also gots a new owner too.
Was going to be closed by the health department until someone came in a snatched it up.
HANK
They didn't change the pie did they sir?
BUCK
Hank, I don’t care about your pie, all I care about is you closing this deal for team Strickland. Now excuse me a second, I gotta take care of some business.
Buck walks out. Hank has a concerned look on his face.
-FADE OUT-
INTERIOR GRIBBLES HOUSE KITCHEN
Nancy is sitting at the kitchen table, and is calling John Redcorn.
JOHN REDCORN'S VOICE MAIL (V.O.)
Hello, I am not able to take your call, please leave a message. *BEEP*
Nancy thinks about leaving a message then hangs up. She then picks up the phone and dials again.
JOHN REDCORN'S VOICE MAIL (V.O)
Hello, I am not able to take your call, please leave a message. *BEEP*
NANCY
Hi John Redcorn it's Nancy…again…just seeing if you got my last message, or if you were around, and how you're doing. So…call me when you get a chance, if you want. Or, no…well, ok bye shug. (Sigh)
-CUT-
INTERIOR ARLEN MEDICAL CENTERDR. MORLEYS OFFICE
Hank is pitching to the head of the medical group,
DR. CHRIS MORLEY, a 40 year old doctor.
HANK
Reason number 8, because at Strickland you are more than just a customer, you're apart of the Strickland team, and that makes you more than just a customer, it makes you family. Reason number 9…
DR. MORLEY
You know Hank, I'm sure your 47 reasons or whatever are all very…enticing…and interesting… but I've got an appointment in about 30 minutes, and I'm new in town.Is there any place around here to get a good cup of coffee, or piece of pie or something?
Hank smiles.
-CUT-
INTERIOR MOLLY’S CAFÉ
Dale is spraying at MOLLY's Cafe with poison. SHANE, a 30 year old heavy set, well dressed man and Tracy, the owners of MOLLY's are in the back office.
DALE
And sheesha! Sheesha!
SHANE
(Peeking from the office door) Ok, who hired this exterminator, and why is he using kung fu?
DALE (V.O)
Wooooooh, sheesha!
SHANE
(Shaking his head)
TRACY
John Redcorn recommended him.Said he's a little weird but he'll get the job done.
SHANE
Well as long he gets rid of the rats. I still can't believe the condition this place was in when we bought it. It should have been shut down years ago.
TRACY
Well don’t worry; when we're through with it this old dump is going to be hippest and happenist place in town.
*BELL RINGS*
TRACY (CONT.)
Oh, that must be the decorator.
SHANE
(Still looking out the door) Is it normal for an exterminator to be making those noises?
DALE
Give it up you mice; soon you will be in a better place.
Dale follows the mice urine trail with a blue light to the back of the restaurant and into the walk in fridge. He notices inside the fridge that it is stocked with pre made pies.
DALE
(Looks puzzled) Hmmm. (takes out his cell phone) Octavio, are you tracking my location, good. I need you to hi-jack a semi and meet me here immediately. Oh, you're having dinner with your family huh. Uh, huh good paella you say.
DELIVERY DRIVER
Ok, I've got 300 Homemade "Pie in the Sky" pies... Where do you want em?
TRACEY
Yeah, homemade!
TRACEY AND SHANE
(Laughing)
Dale over hears the conversation and looks shocked.
INTERRIOR HANK’S TRUCK
Hank is pulling up his truck to MOLLY's with Dr. Morley.
HANK
Reason number 10, the Strickland promise of excellence. If you are not fully satisfied with your service at any time simply call the… (He notices the truck in back of Molly's, and the driver is wheeling pies into the back door.) What the, Pie in the Sky Homemade Pies? NOOOOOO!
-FADE OUT-
Act II
EXTERIOR MIDDAYTHE ALLEY
Hank, Bill, Dale and Boomhauer are drinking beer in the ally. Dale is eating a piece of pie, and making noises that the pie is very tasty.
HANK
Yep.
BOOMHAUER
Dang old, yep.
BILL
Em hmm.
DALE
Mmmm, this is so good.
BILL
If we were supposed to bring desserts to the ally, I am all for it, in fact I've lobbied for it for it for years.But I would have liked a little heads up.
HANK
Bill, the ally is for beer drinking beer only. Dale you know that.
BILL
I…also would have brought enough to share (to Dale)
BOOMHAUER
Yeah man, talking bout' give a little bit over here, smells good man, talking bout being selfish man.
DALE
Gentleman please, I acquired this pie in payment of ridding Molly's or should I say, Pie in the Sky, of local vermin. Therefore it is mine and mine alone.
HANK
That's from the new pie place! Dale how could you? Molly's has been apart of Arlen for years. How could you go behind her back like that?
DALE
Because Molly's never had Double Chocolate Explosion pie! Mmmm…
HANK
And after all the birthday parties, graduations, and family celebrations that Molly's was there for you you're just going to give her up just like that?
*Dale's cell phone rings*
DALE
(Dale answers his cell phone) Gribble Enterprises, Dale Gribble speaking…Joseph my son…
BILL
Huh! Double Chocolate Pie, I didn’t even know that was possible. I must have some!
Bill goes to grab the pie from Dales hands.
Bill grabs the pie.
BILL
I got it!
Bill runs with Dale's pie, and Dales chases after him. Dale drops his cell phone on the ground.
DALE'S CELL PHONE - (V.O.) JOSEPHS VOICE
Dad, dad?
HANK
Oh god.
-FADE OUT-
INTERIOR ARLEN MALL
Peggy and Nancy are walking through the mall looking for clothes.
PEGGY
So then I said, well just because this house has a pool, that doesn’t mean we can drown the buyers on the price. (Laughs) Nancy, are you even listening to me?
NANCY
I'm sorry shug, but where to you go in this place to find some hip new clothes?
PEGGY
(Looking at a summer dress in a casual clothing store) Well, now that is lovely. I think that would look just wonderful on you. Nancy…Nancy?
Nancy is looking at clothes in a younger, hip clothing store called Bubbles. Peggy notices. Then she follows her in.
PEGGY
Nancy, what are we doing in here?
NANCY
I'm shopping. Now this is cute. What do think of this? (Holds some clothes up to her)
PEGGY
I think you’re about twenty years to late.
CASSIE, a young sales girl wanders up and approaches Peggy.
CASSIE
(Very bubbly and high energy) Hi! Welcome to Bubbles! Can I help you with anything?
PEGGY
Well, Cassie, I was just leaving.
CASSIE
And you ma'am?
NANCY
Ma'am? Did you just call me ma'am?
CASSIE
OMG! That would look so cute on you!
NANCY
What, oh you think so?
CASSIE
Totally! And with any purchase today of fifty dollars or more you get 10 free Itune downloads, and a chance to win tickets to the VMA's!
NANCY
(Confused) Oh, great shug.
CASSIE
Yeah, it’s a totally great deal, but if you end up not spending the fifty you can still be entered in the drawing by texting VMA123 to 45544 or you can enter at Myspace.com/bubblesvma. So, either way you're good! Now should I wrap that up for you?
Nancy realizes she is in over her head.
-CUT-
INTERIOR HILL'S HOUSE KITCHEN
Hank and Peggy are sitting at the table and Bobby enters holding a flyer.
BOBBY
Dad, Mom - there's this new place in town called Pie in the Sky, and they’re having a grand opening and giving out free pie!
Hank takes the flyer.
HANK
What the - no, I am not going to the new pie place; there was nothing wrong with the old one.
BOBBY
But Dad, they have Peanut Butter M&M and Banana pie, and I heard they even have milk shakes with pies mashed up in 'em!