Skill of Assertiveness
Assertiveness means setting limits respectfully.
* Healthy boundaries are essential for all relationships.
* Assertively setting boundaries is a life skill.
Children need to experience firm, consistent limits so they can learn to develop these skills within themselves.
When we do not provide these limits, we unconsciously train our children to be victims or bullies.
As adults we need to find our own assertive voice before we can teach our children to find theirs.
The Power of Attention
· What you offer to others, you experience in yourself.
· If you focus on what someone is doing wrong, you will feel inadequate.
· If you focus on what they did well, you will feel at peace.
In this segment you will learn how use the Skill of
Assertiveness to set limits for your children so they
may also set limits with others.
What you focus on, you get more of.
Where do you place your focus?
Scene 1: Polly pushes Sandy
Adult reacts to the aggressor
· Why did you push her? You know pushing is
not nice. You know our rule about pushing.
Was that nice to push? We don’t at school.
We don’t push at home. We don’t ever push!
· In this scene the focus is on pushing so the way the
brain processes information, you will get more pushing,
Scene 2: Polly pushes Sandy
Adult goes to the victim first and helps to the victim be assertive, by giving her exact words to use.
Adult: Why, she just pushed you with her hand. Did you like it?
Sandy: No
Adult: Tell Polly, “Polly, I don’t like it when you push me. When you want me to move say, “Move, please.’”
Practice that now.
Sandy: “Polly, I don’t like it when you push me. When you want me to move say, “Move, please.’”
Now the Focus is on Move Please. Both children were given the language needed to handle these situations.
Based on Conscious Discipline©:7 Basic Skills for Classroom Management by Dr. Becky Bailey. 1.800.842.2846.www.consciousdiscipline.com
What you focus on you get more of.
What you offer to others, you experience yourself.
· If you focus on what’s wrong, what’s not right, or what is
not happening, you will feel inadequate inside yourself.
· When you focus on what children do right; what you want to happen, you will feel at peace with yourself.
When we try to make a change and focus on what we don’t want, we tell ourselves “I’m not going to ____.” (eat sweets: or whatever the action is). Our brain hears the verb and noun (eat sweets) and processes those pictures, without processing the “not”. Then our brain begins to mobilizes internal forces (eat sweets) which actually sets our will power (don’t eat sweets)
against our own physiology, causing the change to fail.
When our internal forces and will power are at odds, this makes us feel inadequate frequently resulting in judgment of ourselves or others. Sometimes we even take out our frustration on others by criticizing or blaming them because we are having a hard time with our will power. (I can’t believe that they are eating all that junk food; Look at all the sugar they are putting into their bodies).
Then in an attempt to rationalize how hard we tried to make the change, we reward ourselves with the very behavior we are trying to change. (I have been really good all week. A little piece of candy now won’t hurt).
Based on Conscious Discipline©:7 Basic Skills for Classroom Management by Dr. Becky Bailey. 1.800.842.2846.www.consciousdiscipline.com
· If we want change, we MUST FOCUS ON WHAT WE WANT and then CREATE IMAGES by telling children what to do.
As adults, we are constantly governing our behavior by our inner speech or “talking to ourselves in our heads”.
Sometimes when we are stressed, our ability to process our own inner speech will break down a little. As a result, we will talk aloud to ourselves to govern our behavior.
Young children 6 years and under do NOT have mature inner speech, so they are unable to govern themselves in their head and have to talk out loud. Sometimes children as old as 9 years of age are still developing the ability to govern themselves through inner speech.
We can help young children to govern their behavior by providing them with images or pictures to “show” them what to do because their brain processes information in this way
When we say phrases like:
“Don’t run.” (Child’s image: run)
“No hitting.” (Child’s image: hit)
“What did I just tell you?” (no real image)
“Walking feet.” (Child’s image: walking)
“Walk like this so that
everyone is safe” (demonstrate) (Child’s image: Sees
what walking feet look like)
Based on Conscious Discipline©:7 Basic Skills for Classroom Management by Dr. Becky Bailey. 1.800.842.2846.www.consciousdiscipline.com
Assertiveness does 3 things
1. Tells children what to do (explicit information).
2. Gives clear and direct instructions.
3. Is said in a tone of voice that says, “Just do it.”
· Men-generally are much better in their assertiveness;
They are generally more direct
Their statements are short, clear and
understandable.
· Women-have more words and often talk around
what they want and ask permission.
3 Voice Tones
· Assertive-Voice Tone: Just do it.
“Pick the toys up and put them away.”
· Passive-Voice tone: Asks for permission, “okay?”
“Pick up the toys and put them away, please?”
“Line up the door, okay?” (Please is implied)
Passivity implies there is a choice: Is it alright
with you? Will you do it for me?
· Aggressive-Voice Tone: “Or else!”
“Pick up those toys, NOW!”
“Line up, NOW!”
Based on Conscious Discipline©:7 Basic Skills for Classroom Management by Dr. Becky Bailey. 1.800.842.2846.www.consciousdiscipline.com
Assertive Tone
Is done in a matter of fact tone and uses all the senses to help the brain process what the command is:
“Line up by the door with your hands at your side
just like this.”
Assertiveness is:
· A belief in ourselves and a sense that we deserve to be heard.
· Important because it is how we set limits on other people’s behavior.
· How we teach people to treat us.
· The medium through which we teach respect.
Once we find our Assertive tone or “our big voice”, we can actually teach others how to treat us with respect.
· When we are upset, we are always
focused on what you DON’T want.
· Even when we are just a little bit upset, we focus on what we want children to stop, to quit doing something or not do something any more. We are focused on what we don’t’ want.
That is why breathing and gaining composure is so important. Until we gain composure and until we are able to access our fontal lobe it is very difficult to get children to focus on what we want children to do.
Based on Conscious Discipline©:7 Basic Skills for Classroom Management by Dr. Becky Bailey. 1.800.842.2846.www.consciousdiscipline.com
Practice Pivoting
*We are always going to get upset.
· When you get upset, be a STAR and BREATH.
· Pivot to change our focus from what we don’t want,
to actually focus on what we do want.
Example: “Stop hitting”. (Focus on hitting)
Pivot: “You wanted the marker. You may not hit.
Say, can I have the marker, please?” Try it now.
Assertive commands involve all of our senses
Kinesthetic: Walk over to the child,
Visual: Wait for eye contact. (get on child’s level)
Auditory: Say child’s name
Tactile: Touch child
*Tell child what to do; use your hands to show
what is expected (kinesthetic, visual, auditory)
*Compliment (“That’s it!” “You’re doing it!”)
Assertive means we have a Loving Positive Goal
· Knowing s/he will do it without a doubt
· Giving children the images the need and doing it lovingly.
When you enter a situation you need to do it with a positive loving goal. Your message to the child should say: “I know you are capable of doing this, and my job is to be with you and help you be successful and when you get it there I am going to be all over you saying, “You did it!”
When you enter a situation doubtful, your tone will be passive or aggressive because you are doubtful or scared. You will down shift to your limbic system, cortisol will be
released so when you attempt to discipline the child you will rely on fear.
We are often are so busy that we do not slow down enough to give children the images they need to help them monitor their behavior. Unless we take the time, and slow down with children to give them the images the need, we will have children who will be very, very disrespectful.
WHEN CHILDREN RESIST
§ When children resist our commands, we feel powerless.
§ When we feel powerless, we start to down shift from the Fontal Lobe to the Limbic System and keep going down.
§ When we feel powerless, we start to blame and attack. We start thinking of ways to punish our children, or focus on ways to try and make children do what we want them to do.
§ Again we are focused on what we DON’T want.
TO AVOID DOWNSHIFTING WHEN CHILDREN RESIST
1. Breathe.
2. Pivot (focus on what you want the child to do).
3. Use the “Tell and Show” approach.
Tell and Show
Telling children what you want them to do, following up by
showing them how to do it.
Step 1: Breathe (Be a S.T.A.R.) & pivot
(focus on what you want).
Step 2: Engaging all senses
Give an assertive command.
Step 3: Say, “I’m going to show you
what to do,” or ”I’m going to
show you how to get started.”
For older children,
“What would help you get started?”
Step 4: When the child begins to comply,
say, “You’re doing it” or “You did it!”
(Use the skill of encouragement)
Once we learn how to be assertive with children and hold the boundaries when children intrude on us, then we can teach children how to set boundaries with others who intrude upon
them.
USE TATTLING TO TEACH ASSERTIVENESS.
Tattling is a wonderful opportunity to teach children
assertiveness, instead of helplessness, dependency, aggressiveness, or withdrawal. When a child comes to
you after being victimized:
Child: Johnny pushed me.
Adult: “Did you like it?”
Child: No
o Listen to the tone and quality of the child’s “No” to
determine how much assertive energy the child has.
Adult: “ Go tell Johnny, I don’t like it when you push.
Say, “Move please.” Practice it now.
* Need to use the exact pronouns
Child: Repeats/practices the words.
Adult: Offer help if needed: “Make your voice match mine.”
Conflict is never resolved until you end it with
telling the other person what you want.
Help children develop their big voice
“Victim First” Rule
· When you observe that a child has been intruded upon, go to the victim first.
· Notice what you see (“You were sitting quietly when your friend grabbed your lunch”)
· Give the victimized child the words and the tone of voice to assertively set limits with the intruder. (“I don’t like it when you ____.”).
Assertiveness Structure: The Time Machine
· The Time Machine gives children an opportunity to replay a hurtful encounter using helpful problem solving skills. Here are the steps for using this structure.
Step 1: Ask the children if they are willing
to go back in time and replay the
incident using helpful words and
actions.
Step 2: Have them be a S.T.A.R.
(take a deep breath).
Step 3: Have them wish each other well.
Step 4: Have them say, “1, 2, 3, let’s do it!”
Step 5: Victim says, “I don’t like it when you _____.
Please ______.”
Step 6: Intruder says, “I can do that.”
Step 7: Children shake hands.
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