MOTHER FUNNER
"Madison Gets a New Tongue"
by
Kari Kluter
FADE IN:
INT. THE DUMMES' HOUSE - LIVING ROOM DAY
We see TIFFANY, THORNZ and their Soy Cows, COCOA, NILLA and SMOOTHIE. Smoothie is wearing underwear. Tiffany is facing Thornz.
TIFFANY
(to Thornz)
I taught Smoothie how to break-
dance.
THORNZ
(to Tiffany)
No you didn’t. Underwear-wearing
Soy Cows can’t break-dance.
TIFFANY
Yes, they can. I’ll show you.
(to Smoothie)
Smoothie, show Thornz your moves.
Smoothie moos and starts break-dancing.
THORNZ
I can’t believe it. Smoothie, a Soy
Cow who wears underwear, can break-
dance.
Thornz bursts out laughing.
THORNZ
I don’t know which is funnier:
Smoothie wearing underwear or
Smoothie break-dancing.
TIFFANY
I have to agree. An underwear-
wearing, break-dancing Soy Cow sure
is funny.
I wish Tiffany Jr. was here to see
this, instead of the hospital. She
loves to see Smoothie break-dancing.
THORNZ
I know. Too bad you, accidentally, crushed her windpipe while milking
her.
TIFFANY
I wasn’t trying to hurt Tiffany Jr.
I only squeezed her neck to make her produce more Tiffany Milk.
Thank goodness Tiffany Jr. has Health Insurance.
MADISON and THORAX walk into the Living Room.
Madison sees Smoothie break-dancing and looks disgusted.
TIFFANY AND THORNZ
(to Madison and Thorax,
in unison)
Hi.
THORAX
(to Tiffany and Thornz)
Hi.
MADISON
(to Tiffany, upset)
Tiffany, I’m so sick of seeing
Smoothie break-dancing. I can
handle her wearing underwear, and I can handle her farting and laughing, but I’ve had it with
her break-dancing.
Smoothie stops break-dancing, walks to Madison and kicks her leg.
MADISON
Ow! And I’m sick of her kicking
me.
Smoothie punches Madison’s face.
MADISON
And I’m sick of her punching me.
TIFFANY
(to Madison)
Smoothie has every right to kick
and punch you. After all, you said
that you’re sick of her break-
dancing.
(to Thorax)
When you went to see Tiffany Jr. in
the hospital, was she still mad at me
for crushing her windpipe?
THORAX
(to Tiffany)
Of course Tiffany Jr.’s still mad at
you. I mean, hello, you crushed her windpipe while milking her, and she's
in the hospital.
TIFFANY
I hope Tiffany Jr. can forgive me,
after I give her a Get-Well-Soon-
I'm-Sorry-for-Accidentally-Crushing-
your-Windpipe-while-Milking-You Card and a bouquet of roses.
We should all get our pictures taken
with Tiffany Milk moustaches and send them to Tiffany Jr.
MADISON, THORNZ AND THORAX
(excited, in unison)
Yeah!
TIFFANY
I know Tiffany Jr. would get a good
laugh from seeing us with Tiffany
Milk moustaches. People say that
laughter is the best medicine.
THORAX
Well, what are we waiting for? Let’s
get our pictures taken with Tiffany
Milk moustaches.
TIFFANY
Before we go to the kitchen to drink
some Tiffany Milk and get our Tiffany
Milk moustaches, I need to take off my
hot pink wedge shoes. They’re making
my feet all sweaty.
Tiffany takes off her shoes and puts them on the floor.
Cocoa kicks Tiffany’s shoes, and they hit Madison’s face.
MADISON
Ow, my nose!
TIFFANY
(to Madison)
Sorry about that. Sometimes when I
take off my shoes and put them on
the ground, Cocoa kicks them. She
must not be a fan of hot pink wedge shoes.
MADISON
(to Tiffany)
Can we please just hurry and get
our pictures taken with Tiffany
Milk moustaches?
TIFFANY
Okay. Sheesh.
Tiffany, Madison, Thornz, Thorax, Cocoa, Nilla and Smoothie walk into the kitchen.
CUT TO:
KITCHEN
We see Tiffany, Madison, Thornz, Thorax, Cocoa, Nilla and Smoothie by the refrigerator.
MADISON
(to Smoothie)
Since you kicked and punched me,
will you please open the fridge?
Smoothie moos and opens the refrigerator.
TIFFANY
Man, I have one smart Soy Cow.
Smoothie wears underwear, can
break-dance and can open the fridge. I wish I was as smart as Smoothie. She must be smart from
all those soy beans I feed her.
Tiffany grabs a pitcher, of Tiffany Milk, from the refrigerator.
TIFFANY
(holding the pitcher)
Now drink some Tiffany Milk from
the pitcher.
Tiffany, Madison, Thornz, Thorax, Cocoa, Nilla and Smoothie drink, from the pitcher, in unison.
We see Tiffany, Madison, Thornz, Thorax, Cocoa, Nilla and Smoothie with Tiffany Milk moustaches.
Tiffany, Madison, Thornz, Thorax, Cocoa, Nilla and Smoothie look at each other and laugh.
TIFFANY
Now that we have Tiffany Milk moustaches, let’s go to Allmart to
get our pictures taken.
Tiffany, Madison, Thornz, Thorax, Cocoa, Nilla and Smoothie walk out of the kitchen.
CUT TO:
INT. ALLMART - PHOTO BOOTH - DAY
We see Tiffany, Madison, Thornz, Thorax, Cocoa, Nilla and Smoothie, with Tiffany Milk moustaches, making funny faces, as the camera is flashing. Pictures are shooting out of the camera.
Madison grabs the pictures.
Tiffany, Madison, Thornz, Thorax, Cocoa, Nilla and Smoothie look at the pictures and burst out laughing, in unison.
MADISON
We look so funny with Tiffany
Milk moustaches! Tiffany Jr. is
going to love these pictures.
Tiffany faces Madison.
TIFFANY
(to Madison)
Tiffany Milk moustaches are funny,
but they’re not as funny as my Got Tiffany Milk? shirt. My Sow Cows and
I make soy milk so funny.
Tiffany, Madison, Thornz, Thorax, Cocoa, Nilla and Smoothie lick their lips and moo, in unison.
THORNZ
All that talking, mooing and
laughing must have made us
thirsty.
MADISON
(to Thornz)
I know. I sure am thirsty. I
could sure use some Tiffany Milk
right now.
TIFFANY
(to Madison)
It’s funny how you mention Tiffany
Milk, because I have a pitcher of Tiffany Milk, in my skirt, right
now.
MADISON
(to Tiffany)
Well, hurry and get it out. We’re thirsty.
Tiffany pulls a pitcher, of Tiffany Milk, out of her skirt, and Tiffany, Madison, Thornz, Thorax, Cocoa, Nilla and Smoothie, drink from it, in unison.
THORAX
Smoothie makes some good Tiffany Milk.
I like how her Tiffany Milk isn’t
chunky anymore.
(to Tiffany)
Tiffany, how did you make Smoothie’s Tiffany Milk so smooth and creamy?
MADISON
(to Thorax)
Please don't describe Smoothie’s
Tiffany Milk as smooth and creamy.
It really creeps me out.
THORAX
(to Madison)
I didn’t mean to creep you out. I
was just being honest.
(to Tiffany)
I have to know how you made her
Tiffany Milk so smooth and creamy.
TIFFANY
(to Thorax)
I made Smoothie’s Tiffany Milk
smooth and creamy by mashing up
her soy beans more. Smoothie’s
mashed soy beans use to be
chunkier.
THORAX
I’m glad that you mashed up Smoothie’s
soy beans more. I prefer smooth and
creamy Tiffany Milk over chunky Tiffany Milk.
MADISON
(to Tiffany and Thorax)
Will you, please, stop saying, “Smooth, creamy and chunky?”
TIFFANY AND THORAX
(to Madison, in unison)
Okay.
THORNZ
(to Madison)
I know you don’t want Tiffany and
Thorax referring to Tiffany Milk
as smooth, creamy or chunky, but
can I describe Tiffany Milk as
smooth, creamy or chunky?
MADISON
(to Thornz)
No, you can’t. No one can describe
Tiffany Milk as smooth, creamy or
chunky.
TIFFANY, THORNZ AND THORAX
(to Madison,
in unison)
Aw man!
Thornz pats Madison’s head.
THORNZ
(to Madison)
How’s my little Soy Cow?
MADISON
(to Thornz)
I’m not a Soy Cow. I’m Madison.
THORNZ
(embarrassed)
Oops.
Madison starts choking Thornz.
MADISON
I’m gonna crush your windpipe just
like Tiffany crushed Tiffany Jr.’s windpipe.
THORNZ
I don’t know why you’re so upset
about being mistaken for a Soy
Cow. We mistake you for a Soy Cow,
at least, twice a week. I thought
you would have gotten use to it by
now.
Madison, please stop choking me!
MADISON
Fine.
Madison stops choking Thornz.
MADISON
Now that we have the pictures of us
with Tiffany Milk moustaches, can
we please go home?
TIFFANY
(to Madison)
Sure.
Tiffany, Madison, Thornz, Thorax, Cocoa, Nilla and Smoothie walk out of the photo booth.
CUT TO:
ALLMART
We see Tiffany, Madison, Thornz, Thorax, Cocoa, Nilla and Smoothie walking through Allmart.
Tiffany, Madison, Thornz, Thorax, Cocoa, Nilla and Smoothie walk past a pet store.
We see a cat in the window of the pet store.
Thorax looks at the cat.
THORAX
Look at the beautiful Persian
cat.
(to Madison)
Madison, can I buy that cat?
MADISON
(to Thorax)
Sure.
THORAX
(excited)
Yea!
Thorax runs into the pet store, and Tiffany, Madison, Thornz, Cocoa, Nilla and Smoothie follow him.
CUT TO:
INT. ALLMART - PET STORE - DAY
We see Thorax looking at the cat, and Tiffany, Madison, Thornz, Cocoa, Nilla and Smoothie are behind him.
THORAX
(to the cat)
Hi, kitty. I’m gonna buy you and name
you Tiffany #2.
MADISON
(to Thorax)
What a stupid name.
THORAX
(to Madison)
You’re stupid.
Thorax sees an EMPLOYEE walking by.
THORAX
(to the employee)
Sir.
The employee stops in front of Thorax.
THORAX
I’d like to buy this cat. How much
does it cost?
EMPLOYEE
(to Thorax)
$5.
THORAX
(excited)
What a great deal! Why is she only
$5?
EMPLOYEE
Because she’s crazy.
MADISON
(sarcastic)
That’s just what we need: another
crazy family member.
THORAX
(to Madison)
Give the man 5 bucks.
Madison pulls a 5 dollar bill out of her dress and hands it to the employee.
EMPLOYEE
(to Thorax)
Enjoy your purchase.
THORAX
(to the employee)
Oh, I will. Bye.
EMPLOYEE
Bye.
TIFFANY
(to Madison, Thornz and
Thorax)
Would you like to squeeze Cocoa,
Nilla and Smoothie’s necks to make
them produce more Tiffany Milk?
MADISON, THORNZ AND THORAX
(excited, in unison)
Sure!
TIFFANY
Okay, but don't squeeze their necks
too hard. I don't want you crushing
their windpipes, because they don't
have Health Insurance.
MADISON
(to Tiffany)
Have you ever thought about getting
free Health Insurance for your Soy
Cows?
TIFFANY
(to Madison)
I tried that, but my Soy Cows were denied, because they're Soy Cows and
not humans.
MADISON
(sarcastic)
Really? Because there was this Soy
Cow, last week, that was approved
for free Health Insurance.
TIFFANY
No there wasn't.
MADISON
I thought you'd fall for that lie, because you don't have a brain.
TIFFANY
I didn't fall for that lie, because
a psychic told me, last week, that
you were going to tell me a lie about
a Soy Cow being approved for free
Health Insurance.
THORAX
(to Tiffany and
Madison)
Will you, please, stop talking
about free Health Insurance for
Soy Cows? I want to go home and
play with Tiffany #2.
(to Tiffany #2)
I love you, Tiffany #2.
Thorax kisses Tiffany #2's head.
MADISON
Let’s go home.
THORAX
(excited)
Yea!
Tiffany, Madison, Thornz, Thorax, Cocoa, Nilla and Smoothie walk out of the pet store.
CUT TO:
INT. THE DUMMES’ HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY
We see Tiffany, Madison, Thornz, Thorax and Tiffany #2 sitting at the table. Cocoa, Nilla and Smoothie are next to them. There’s a newspaper on the table.
Cocoa, Nilla and Smoothie get on top of the table. Nilla is standing on the newspaper.
TIFFANY
(to Nilla)
Get off the newspaper. I need to
read it upsidedown. It’s funnier
that way.
Tiffany pushes Nilla towards Madison and grabs the newspaper. Tiffany is holding the newspaper upsidedown.
MADISON
(to Nilla)
Get away from me, Nilla.
Madison pushes Nilla, and Nilla falls off the table.
Nilla kicks Madison.
MADISON
(to Nilla)
Ow, Nilla!
THORNZ
(to Tiffany)
Do you really thinking reading
an upsidedown newspaper is
funny?
TIFFANY
(to Thornz)
Yeah.
Tiffany pulls a pair of underwear out of her skirt and throws it at Madison.
MADISON
(to Tiffany)
Don’t throw your underwear at me.
Madison picks up Tiffany’s underwear and throws it in Thornz’ face. The underwear is covering his face.
THORNZ
(excited)
Cool! I have underwear on my face.
Having underwear on my face is
really cool, but I better take it
off before it gets stuck to my face.
Thornz takes the underwear off his face and puts them on Cocoa.
We see Cocoa wearing underwear.
Cocoa kicks Thornz’ face.
THORNZ
Ow, my face!
(to Tiffany)
Tiffany, Cocoa kicked me in the
face.
TIFFANY
(to Thornz)
Who can blame her? If you put
underwear on me, I’d kick you, in
the face, too.
Thornz is looking at Cocoa and Smoothie.
THORNZ
The table looks really good with
Soy Cows on it. Every table should
have Soy Cows on it.
MADISON
I think the table looks ugly with
Soy Cows on it.
TIFFANY
(to Madison,
offended)
Well, I think you look ugly with
Soy Cows on you.
MADISON
(to Tiffany)
Shut up.
TIFFANY
Okay.
I’m sorry for saying that you’re
ugly with Soy Cows on you. You’re,
actually, quite pretty with Soy
Cows on you.
Madison blushes.
MADISON
(flattered)
Thank you for the compliment.
Madison sticks her tongue out at Tiffany #2.
Tiffany #2 jumps at Madison’s tongue, and her claws get stuck in Madison’s tongue. Tiffany #2 is hanging from Madison’s tongue.
THORAX
(to Madison)
You shouldn't have stuck your
tongue out at Tiffany #2.
MADISON
(to Tiffany,
panicking)
Call 911!
Tiffany pulls out her cell phone and text messages 911.
THORNZ
(to Madison,
offended)
Hey! Why does Tiffany get to call
911?
MADISON
(to Thornz)
Because you and Thorax don't have fingers.
THORNZ
Tiffany is so stupid that instead
of dialing 911, she'll probably
dial 836.
MADISON
Tiffany is stupid but still smart
enough to dial 911.
An ambulance crashes into the Living Room.
Tiffany, Madison, Thornz, Thorax and Tiffany #2 start laughing.
Three PARAMEDICS rush out of the ambulance and run to Madison.
PARAMEDIC #1
This is no laughing matter.
Tiffany, Madison, Thornz, Thorax and Tiffany #2 stop laughing.
PARAMEDIC #1
We received a text message saying
that a mysterious man has a cool
cat hanging from it's tongue.
MADISON
(to Tiffany,
offended)
Tiffany! I told you, last week,
I'm not a man. I'm a woman, and
I'm not mysterious, because I'm
your sister.