“Nothing in Common”
DONNA
Who is it?
DAVID
It’s David. Come on, open up. They’re driving me crazy, Donna, I’ve got to talk to you.
DONNA
Who?
DAVID
Max and Lorraine. Please can I come in? Please. Please. Please.
DONNA
David, it’s midnight.
DAVID
I know but I’ve got to talk to you because they are driving me crazy.
DONNA
Shhh! This better be important.
DAVID
Everything that I thought would happen is coming true, Donna.
DONNA
Have we been drinking?
DAVID
Just a little ... Not too much. It’s always, “David, pick up my dry cleaning. David, I need help with my groceries. David, I can’t drive tonight. David, take me somewhere on this bus. David. David. David. David. David. David. It’s really beginning to affect my work, Donna. I feel like David the Swedish aupair boy. I bought my mother a dog.
ROBERT
Donna, sweetheart?
DONNA
Just a minute! David, I’m not alone. Sit here and stay calm. Stay. Stay.
ROBERT
What’s happening? I heard drumming.
DONNA
An old friend is having a problem.
ROBERT
David?
DONNA
Yeah. His parents are splitting up.
ROBERT
How old is he?
DONNA
Please, can I talk to him for a few minutes.
DAVID
I apologize about barging in like this. I’m sorry but don’t worry, I won’t be long.
DONNA
He’s drunk.
DAVID
No, I’m not. I just had a couple of stouts. And maybe one or two scotches -- I know you! We’ve met. You’re in psychology. Your name is Ronald, or Ro -- ...
DONNA
Robert.
DAVID
Robert! You’re naked. I came at a real bad time. You wanna know what she really likes.
DONNA
David, I’m going to kill you.
DAVID
I’m talking to Robert! She and I, we were like this all through high school. One time like this. We dated for a really long time. I like her. Has a lot of energy. Sometimes ... Do you know that her middle name is Mildred.
DONNA
Oh, I’m gonna ... I now have a weapon. I will hesitate to use it on any part of your body.
DAVID
Oh, she hates that. Donna Mildred Martin. Donna Mildred Martin. I am talking to Robert about the impending nervous breakdown being caused by my parents.
DONNA
David, do you remember my angry voice? ...
DAVID
I am an only child. And this breakup is breaking me up deep inside.
DONNA
... This is my angry voice, get out! GET OUT!
ROBERT
Wait a minute. Wait ...
DAVID
Don’t get up. She’ll put you back in the mood.
DONNA
Oh, David, that is not fair. That is not fair. That is not fair.
ROBERT
Your friend obviously has some unresolved problems.
DONNA
Robert, please do not give my any of that psycho analytic bullshit. Please.
ROBERT
My life’s endeavor is bullshit? I’m glad this came up. Maybe I should go home.
DONNA
No, no please. Don’t go home now. I’m sorry. I’m ... Just give me a minute. Please. Just a minute. Promise.
DAVID
I don’t believe it. Oh, you still got it. Where are this kids now? David S. Basner. Swim team. Junior class treasurer. And Donna M. Martin. Drama club. Emily Our town. Maria, Westside Story. In a bad wig.
DONNA
Yes, David, all these golden high school moments. They were fabulous. David, I would like to talk about tonight. Did you hear me screaming?
DAVID
I can’t think of you being with another guy.
DONNA
You never ask. David, I’m sorry, but we can’t do this anymore.
DAVID
Oh, Donna, who else am I going to talk to? You’re my pal.
DONNA
I don’t want to be that ... I want to move on. I want to have a real relationship.
DAVID
With Robert?
DONNA
With Robert. Or with someone else.
DAVID
Did you change your hair?
DONNA
No.
DAVID
Wait, you cut it. Something’s different.
DONNA
Nothing is different.
DAVID
Is the bathrobe new?
DONNA
No, the bathrobe is old. You’ve seen it plenty of times.
DAVID
No, I haven’t.
DONNA
You wore it David.
DAVID
I wore the pink one.
DONNA
This is pink. You looked great in it.
DAVID
Let me try it on.
DONNA
No.
DAVID
I want to try it, see if it fits.
DONNA
David, listen to me. I won’t be your emotional pit stop anymore.
DAVID
My emotional pit stop. You won’t be that. You won’t be an emotional pit stop. That’s beautiful. Did Robert tell you this? This kind of term. Like, check under the hood. Lift it up. Examine my heart and my mental attitude. And how I’m doing in the world. How secure I feel. That’s lovely. That’s psychology, isn’t it? Psycho analytical bullshit I think, uh, you, uh, used that term to describe it. I’ll remember that. Does, uh, Robert wear the robe.
DONNA
Go home David.