STAY CLOSE (BUILDING RELATIONSHIPS)
This tool has been adapted from Effective Parenting Tools for Positive Behavior Change (Secrets to Modern Parenting DVD series calls this tool “Building Relationships”).
This tool is useful in creating a closer relationship between two people, including parent-child relationship, parent-grandparent, couples, etc. Almost every family we work with could benefit from learning this tool, especially parents of teenagers and couples. It teaches a person how to LISTEN so that the other person FEELS HEARD, which builds a closer relationship. It can be used in any conversation, but it is especially useful when one person is expressing a negative emotion, either verbally or nonverbally. It should not be used in response to defiant or noncompliant behavior (use Set Expectations instead)
Nonverbal components:
1. Move into close proximity. Move within arm’s reach except if the emotion being expressed is a “hard” one (e.g., anger, frustration, irritation), then stay further than arm’s reach.
2. Touch in a way to convey caring and concern. When the emotion being expressed is a “hard” one, or when the negative emotions are directed at you, save touch for the end after the emotions have decreased.
3. Have your facial expression appropriate for the emotion being expressed. Make eye contact and look sympathetic if the emotion expressed is a negative one. Don’t look angry. Don’t smile and look happy if the emotion is a negative one.
4. Have your voice tone appropriate for the emotion being expressed. Sound sympathetic if the emotion expressed is a negative one. Don’t sound angry. Don’t sound happy if the emotion is a negative one.
5. Have your body posture show interest. Lean forward. Don’t cross your arms or legs.
Verbal components (use any or all of the following):
1. Listen more than talk. Your statements should be short, with the purpose of making the child feel heard and keeping the child talking.
2. Paraphrase what they said. Don’t sound like a parrot, saying exactly the same words as the other person; instead, summarize what was said in different words.
3. Empathy (reflect their feelings).
a. Start the sentence with “You seem…,” “You sound…,” or “That must have felt…,” then end the sentence with a feeling word.
b. For the “feeling” word, try to identify the “soft” feeling (e.g., embarrassed, hurt, sad, unloved, rejected, put-down, unfair) underneath, instead of the “hard” emotion (e.g., angry, frustrated, pissed off) being displayed.
4. Ask open-ended questions that show interest in hearing more about the issue.
a. Use questions starting with who, what, when, where, and how (e.g., “Who was there?” “What happened next?” “How did you feel?” “Where did this happen?”). Don’t ask questions that can be answered with yes or no.
b. Do NOT start questions with WHY, because that word tends to sound accusatory and makes people feel defensive. See if you can ask the same question starting with “what” instead.
5. Praise. You could praise the fact that the other person opened up to you (e.g., “I’m proud of you for sharing that with me. That must have been hard to do.”). You could also praise the other person’s actions that he/she is telling you about.
What NOT to do:
1. Do NOT try to solve the problem. It is very tempting to tell the person how to solve the issue, but many times, the person will figure out his/her own solutions if you just listen.
2. Do NOT share your feelings or stories. Remember that this is about making the other person feel heard, so stay focused on their story and feelings.
3. Do NOT invalidate their feelings. It is tempting to give a “pep talk” to make the person feel better (e.g., Don’t worry, it will get better.”), but this makes the person feel wrong for having the feelings that they are having.
4. Do NOT react to the person’s inappropriate language or behavior. Remember that the purpose of this is to build a closer relationship with the other person. Correcting behavior problems creates distance, not closeness, so unless the behavior is dangerous, it should not occur during “Stay Close.”
5. Do NOT teach a moral lesson. It is very tempting to point out that what he/she did was wrong or discuss he/she could have acted differently, but this will which increases distance, not closeness. Teach moral lessons at another time, not during “Stay Close.”
6. Do NOT punish, correct, criticize, or put down the person’s behavior. Even if the person is telling you about something he did that was wrong, this is not the time to teach him/her a lesson. Discipline at another time, not during “Stay Close.”
7. Do NOT try to force the person to talk. If the person is reluctant to talk, just say, “I’ll still be willing to listen if you want to talk later.”
EXAMPLE:
Child: (stomps into the house, slams the door, flops down in a chair at the kitchen table, tosses report card at the parent, folds arms on table and puts head down on them, talks in an angry tone) We got our report cards today.
Parent: (looks at report card and sees 2 F’s, 2 D’s and 2 C’s, sits down in kitchen chair near child, shows interested and caring body language, facial expression, and voice tone) You seem really disappointed. (uses empathy AND resists urge to respond to inappropriate behavior, criticize, solve the problem, or teach a lesson)
Child: (talks in sarcastic tone) No duh!
Parent: You had a C in Math the last time I checked. What happened? (uses open-ended question AND resists urge to react to child’s negative attitude)
Child: (angry tone, but sounds on the verge of tears) The stupid teacher said I didn’t turn in a homework assignment last week, but I did! She just hates me.
Parent: (moves closer and briefly rubs child’s shoulder) So her records showed you were missing an assignment but you’re sure you turned it in? (uses paraphrasing AND resists urge to solve the problem, teach a moral lesson, or criticize her pattern of missing homework)
Child: (lifts head up off of arms, makes eye contact, talks in whiny voice) Yes! I remember doing the assignment and putting it in my backpack. I know I turned it in...
Parent: That’s great that you did the assignment. (uses praise AND resists urge to solve the problem, criticize the child’s disorganized backpack, or teach a moral lesson) What do you think happened? (uses open-ended question)
Child: (in a calm but sad voice) I don’t know. Maybe it fell out of my binder and got mixed up with other papers.
Parent: So you think it might still be in your backpack? (uses paraphrasing)
Child: (calmly) I doubt it, but it is possible. I’ll check.
Parent: (rubs and gently squeezes child’s arm) That sounds like a good idea. (uses praise) I really like that you talked to me about this. (uses praise)
NOTE: To address the poor grades, use the parenting tool “Set Expectations” at a later time.
Stay Close (Building Relationships) 2