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The BrownUniversity
Child and Adolescent
Behavior Letter
May 2006
Vol. 22, No. 5 • ISSN 0898-2562
Online ISSN 1556-7575
Helping boys cross the communication divide
By Adam J. Cox, Ph.D.
Adam J. Cox, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist in Emmaus, PA. He is the author of Boys of Few Words: Raising Our Sons to Communicate and Connect(Guilford, 2006), and the forthcoming No Mind Left Behind: Understanding and Improving Your Child’s Executive Brain(Penguin, 2007).
When my son was born, the first time I held him he returned my gaze and grasped my finger with his hand. It felt like a miracle, yet it’s an experienceknown to millions of parents, signaling that a lifetime of communication between parent and child has begun. Especially in a boy’s earliest years, we listen to him closely, trusting that his words are a barometer of his psychological and social development. Through communication, families form the deep, reciprocal relationships that are life’s reward. But what are we supposed to think about boys who are less than enthusiastic about communication and attempts tobuild connection? For example:
Jeremy, 5 years old, is a small, busy boy with dark hair and a mischievous expression. He’s very interested in superheroes and race car drivers. Despite his energy and enthusiasm, he’s struggling to adjustto kindergarten. Jeremy’s teacher can’t get his attention and he resists joining group activities. During his first month of school, he pushed another child three times. When his teacher asked him why, he would onlyrepeat, defiantly, “It’s not my fault.” When his parents made similar inquiries, he “put on his storm face,” as his father calls it, refusing to answer.
Aaron is a thin, serious 8-year-old with extraordinary intellectual gifts. Because he reads science fiction voraciously and has a good vocabulary for things related to astronomy or the parts of a “cyborg,” hisfather calls him “the little professor.” Despite his strengths, he often seems lost inhis own world. His parents wonder if he notices other people and if they notice him. Aaron rarely talks to peers and complains that no one likes him. He looks puzzled when asked to explain the difference between sadness and anger. “He’s like the ‘invisible’ boy. He’ll share his thoughts, but not his heart,” explained his mother.
Morgan, a tall, heavy-set 11-year-old, is passionate about fantasy computergames, especially when he can play with someone else. However, his parents complain that other kids don’t want to visit because Morgan gets so caught up in the game he starts “giving orders,” insisting that his peers play as he says. When the other kids resist or get bored, Morgan becomes unreasonably frustrated. Sometimes he acts out, blurring the distinction between the characters in game scenarios and his companions. His mother quietlyadmits that at times even she feels a little afraid of Morgan.
Boys like this can, and should, concernus. Many mental health practitioners maysee signs of pathology, such as Asperger’sSyndrome, in the behaviors describedabove. Yet is that interpretation fair whensuch behavior is increasingly commonamong boys everywhere? Is it possiblethat the social communication challengesof boys are better understood within a developmental and social context?
Although boys today may have bettervocabularies for things and procedures,and more varied social opportunitiesthan generations ago, the communicationdifficulties of boys are more noticeablethan ever. Simply put, the societaldemand to communicate is growingfaster than the communication skills ofboys are developing. This discrepancyhighlights the communication divide, theevolving gap between many boys’ current social abilities and the skills required forfull participation in relationships, work,and even recreation, in the 21st century.
Biological Factors
Boys are more vulnerable than girls(about 4-5:1) to a wide range of neuro- developmental disorders, including learningdisabilities, ADHD, autism, and variantsof these syndromes. Interestingly, allof these syndromes typically encompasssome type of problem with communication.Several theories address this phenomenon,including differences in brainanatomy, prenatal effects of testosterone,qualitative differences in how the gendersare socialized and taught, and overexposureto electronic media.
All may holdsome truth, although no single explanationis widely accepted as the definitive answer. Scientists have noted stronggenetic links for some of these syndromes,but the causes continue to bedebated.Communication depends on a complexcombination of activities in thebrain. When it comes to receiving communication,our ability to detect visualcues can be just as important as what wehear. Consider how people’s body language—their expression or hand movements—helps you understand their feelingsor intentions. In fact, brains processlarge amounts of visual informationmuch more efficiently than auditoryinformation. (For example, while drivingyou can attend to signals, signs, passingcars, and pedestrians, aware of yourspeedometer and fuel gauge; but if twopeople talk to you at the same time, youprobably become confused or irritable.)Effective social communication requiresboys to make connections between whatthey hear and see.
Generally, girls are better communicators,using a much larger part of theirbrain for processing language. Brainimaging studies show that boys processlanguage almost exclusively with their lefthemisphere, while girls can more effectivelyengage both hemispheres. Also, thecorpus callosum, which is the bridge thattransfers information between hemispheres,is consistently more bulbous ingirls, resulting in a more efficient exchangeof information—just like a widerbridge moves traffic more quickly.Although the right hemisphere of aboy’s brain might work well for many spatialtasks—helping them to do quite wellin games—it is notoriously under-activewhen it comes to interpersonal communication.
The bottom line is that boysmiss many of the nonverbal cues soessential to social interaction and thedevelopment of empathy. This is not to say that all boys can’t ordon’t have good right-hemisphere skills.Still, if, as research continues to suggest,boys use less of their brains in processinglanguage, they have some disadvantages,particularly in social communication.
Boys also tend to take a left-hemisphere(systematizing) approach to problemsolving. While a systematic thinking orientationmay help males be goal-directedproblem solvers, it tends to inhibit awarenessof the more subtle information thatenriches social perception and communication.
Think of this example: A friend tellsyou that her dog died last week. Your lefthemisphere hears the facts; you had adog, it died, and it happened last week.Ah, but your right hemisphere sees andhears additional, important informationsuch as the expression on your friend’sface, the subtle changes in her voice, andher body language. The corpus callosumshares these right hemisphere perceptionswith the factual content beingprocessed in the left hemisphere to giveyou a much more complete and meaningfulunderstanding of what your friendhas said. Most of us can imagine howvaluable these right hemisphere perceptionsare to responding effectively to afriend in this situation.
Important to consider is that the differenceswe note between boys and girlsat home and in the classroom are oftendescribed in terms of maturity, character,interest and motivation, rather than differentorientations to learning and communication.
Do you know a boy whowants to touch everything—learningthrough his fingertips—or who immediatelywanders off to “map” a new place byinvestigating its perimeter? Chances are,he’s a kinesthetic learner relying onmovement and touch to process andlearn new information. He may be able todescribe all the parts of a motorcycle, butcan’t tell you what’s bothering him, noticewhen his friend’s annoyed, or successfullytransition to the academic demands offourth or fifth grades, when assignmentsbecome more abstract. This kind of boy isoften misunderstood when his strengthsand challenges aren’t recognized. Appreciatingthe potential causes and liabilitiesof a communication deficit is the firststep to helping boys across the communicationdivide.
Psychological Factors
Beyond neurological differences, psychologicalfactors may influence a boy’sreluctance to communicate. Shyness andsocial anxiety are common.Another potential cause that oftenlooks like anxiety is self-absorption.Extremely bright boys are often selfabsorbed,captivated by their thoughtsand pursuits to the neglect of others (asopposed to self-centered feelings of superiority). Other boys have as much emotionas others, but lack the words toexpress themselves, or have trouble withpragmatic (practical) communication.Silence can be a way of exerting control orexpressing anger.Boys with a strong will toward autonomy,difficulty accepting authority, or whoare uncomfortable showing vulnerabilityalso avoid expressive communication.
Boys will be boys?
If a boy’s communication challengesare rooted in biology, or shaped by thelarger forces of society, should we acceptthe status quo? Should we say, “Boys willbe boys,” down-shifting our expectationsfor their academic, social and emotionaldevelopment?
I believe most parents and teachersfind that boys are ready and able to communicateand connect if we reach out tothem in ways that build on their strengths, develop their potential, and respect their desire to diminish vulnerability and achieve mastery. When we build boys’ communication skills, we’re teaching them how to connect with others and create the relationships that support psychological resilience for life. Giving boys the help and permission needed to be expressive is a major contribution to their emotional well-being. While a review of effective strategies is beyond the scope of this article, hopefully those caring for boys will learn more about the challenges they face and the opportunities we all have to help. Even when boys are affected by syndromes as serious and complex as an autism-spectrum disorder, they will do better with thoughtful, strategic guidance. Building social communication skills during boyhood provides lifelong benefits—improving the odds for academic(and career) success, healthy relationships, and community leadership.