HOOD THEOLOGICAL SEMINARY
My Case Study
Final Integrative Research Paper
AN INTEGRATIVE RESEARCH PAPER SUBMITTED TO
Stephanie M. Crumpton, Th.D.
PROFESSOR OF VIOLENCE AND POWER: A PASTORAL RESPONSE TO INTIMATE VIOLENCE
IN CANDIDACY FOR THE DEGREE OF
MASTER OF THEOLOGICAL STUDIES
DEPARTMENT OF PASTORAL CARE/COUNSELING
BY
RICHARD E. MACON JR.
SALISBURY, NC
1/2014
My Case Study
This case will deal with the effects of verbal, emotional, and physical abuse on children that might continue to affect them into adulthood.
One weekend summers morning, my dad decided that we would go and cut grass to make extra money for the household. Dad decided to cut this nice ladies grass in Louisburg, NC that we had cut a couple of times before. Cutting lawns was something that we did quite often on weekends because he was off of his regular job and I was out of school. According to my mom, this was a prime time for my dad to teach me good work ethics. My dad generally allowed me to use the riding mower while he used the pushed mower to do the edging. Dad said that I was too young to risk my hand or foot being cut off by misusing the push lawn mower. On this particular morning, my dad began as usual in his rather loud tone and instructed me how he wanted the lawn cut. He told me in his uniquely stern way to cut the grass evenly keeping the rows straight without missing any grass. I was very intimidated because my dad was known to get frustrated with me when I would mess up. He would even slap me if I got out of line by questioning him! My dad was a big man and sometimes made me feel very scared when he looked at me in a mean way. My mom told me that I should just do what I’m told so that I don’t get fussed at or hit. After my dad crank the riding mower for me to get started on the lawn he then left to go and finish some of the trim work. As I mowed the lawn I was very scared of messing up and or disappointing my dad, not to mention, I hated getting yelled at! As I mowed the yard I noticed that the yard was very bumpy, which made it nearly impossible to hold the lawn mower straight.
The bumpiness of the ride and the butterflies from the fear of disappointing my dad mixed within my stomach and caused excruciating pain. I felt as though I might vomit! I was afraid to tell my dad because I thought that he might yell at me, and tell me that I couldn’t do anything right once again. Despite the bumpiness of the yard, and the pain in my stomach I tried with all my might to do what he had told me. My dad came to check on my progress to find that I had apparently missed quite a bit of grass and didn’t cut the grass in straight rows. While the mower was still running my dad yelled, “You missed some grass, look over here, look right there, and you didn’t cut the grass straight!” “Get off, get off the mower and watch me!” As I stood frozen, I wondered would any excuse be good enough. I wondered what to say, and if I could do anything right. I was motionless and sad. My dad decided to finish my part of the lawn with the riding mower. I guess he felt as though I just didn’t have what it took to do what he told me. When the owner paid my dad, he kept all of the money and didn’t pay me any allowance for my work. It was ok though, because I was used to helping my dad every weekend to bring in extra money for our family. He fussed at me all the way back home about the lawn. I guess I deserved it because I messed up pretty badly!
Social/Cultural Dynamics
My dad was the product of a rape according to my grandmother. In fact, my dad and grandmother were raised as brother and sister because of the negative connotation associated with mothers who had gotten pregnant out of wedlock in the 1950’s. Contrarily, dad never met his father, but instead grew up with his uncles as brother figures and his grandparents as parent figures, unknowingly. In dad’s early thirties he found out that his sister was actually his mother from one of his sister aunts for the first time in his life. It had been rumored that his uncles and aunts, knew of the details but failed to share them with my dad as a growing child. Despite the confusion in his immediate family, my dad has said on a number of occasions that he felt loved as a boy and did normal things that growing boys did in any family environment. Could this have fueled some of the anger that he was exhibiting toward me? My dad did not finish high school and later went to job-corps to complete his GED.
In addition, my parents were young parents in their twenties at the time of the event and I was their first child. In no way does this justify their actions; however it speaks to their immaturity in rearing children. They reacted to me as they had been reacted to! This is what they knew.
My mom’s mother died in her 40’s when mom was just a young girl. It is unclear if she knew her father very well at all. It can be safely inferred that she had minuscule dealings with him at best. My mom had two other sisters, one older and one younger who also had minuscule relations with their fathers, if they possessed one at all. My mom was literally raised by her great-grandmother, uncle, and aunt on a small farm. I vividly remember my mother making statements such as, “I was on my way to college, and your daddy came along and stopped me from what I wanted to do!” In her mind, she would have been successful had it not been for my dad getting in her way. My mother completed high school and was self affirmed as being smart in school.
My mom and dad could have easily been categorized as the working poor. Dad was a truck driver and mom was a seamstress, during the times my dad and I mowed lawns for extra money. They worked extremely hard to support my sister and me. The early 1980’s was a time that was riddled with the trickle-down Reaganomics theory. This theory suggested that if the super rich conservatives and business owners possessed more tax breaks and special interest, the economy as a whole would get stronger. In some ways, they believed that finances would somehow flow downward to support the middle and the poor classes. Being an African American family in the early 80’s probably added extra pressure to an already financially torrid condition.
To add, these were bible believing people who attended church regularly and so they believed in the “spare not the rod,” syndrome. The only problem is that when they couldn’t get to the rod, often times they would use their hand or any other innate object they could grab at the time in which they got angry. Whipping their children with the belt, switch or hand could have also been viable options of discipline because traditionally it had been passed down from the former slave holder idealistic ways of disciplining slaves. Slave master thinking and biblical affirmation could have affirmed the use of harsh discipline in the hearts of my parents and those who assisted in rearing them.
Psychological Processes
In this research I have the unique privilege of experiencing the psychological effects of being the young child directly affected by the abuse, in addition to its lingering effects on me as an adult. This is a tough balance for me but essential to helping the reader understand the seriousness of the trauma associated with verbal, emotional, and physical abuse. I would equate it to a reporter who might chart into an enemies territory to get a more vivid interpretation of events to be reported on. Ultimately, it helps people who may never go into such challenging situations, gain a clearer insight.
When you are verbally, emotionally, and or physically abused as I was as a young boy, every authority figure becomes a victimizer. While experiencing mild bouts of trauma from figures who exhibit little authoritativeness toward me; there are also more extreme bouts depending on the degree of aggression exhibited from the authoritarian. In addition, there are frequent bouts with depression that are ignited from authoritarians that remind me most of my dad. As a youngster, when an authority figure would get onto me for any reason, I would clam up, become nervous and sometimes forget the instruction that was given to me. They assumed that I was perhaps being disobedient or ignoring them, however, my mental frequencies were jumbled up as I entered a state of numbness as a protection mechanism against the possibility of what could come next. When I was under the authority of my dad, usually, yelling, fussing, and cussing followed a directive. My dad’s responsive output became normalized in my mind as well as my reactions to his abusive output. I find that this state of normalization has been a constant fight in my adult life, as I take more of a subservient role in my professional and social life as to not offend anyone for fear of what could come next. I don’t think about it during these moments, however, I feel that it is a part of me that is tucked away into my subconscious state of mind. Over the years this terrifying complex has been fused into my character and demeanor. I’m usually the one that is less confrontational, more reserved, full of anxiety, afraid to fail, confused and disoriented at times, unsure of myself, defensive, with an innate ability to go numb in moments that I feel that I am about to experience hurt. For me, this is trauma to the worst degree! I have often times said to myself I would rather be struck physically than to have to go through verbal, mental, and or emotional abuse because physical abuse has a definite end, in the sense that it heals and the pain goes away, while mental and or emotional abuse lingers with you indefinitely. This is not to say that physical abuse doesn’t possess traits of psychological and emotional trauma, however, consistent years of physcial abuse might be easier to cope with for some because there is a tangible point to move forward from after the abuse is done.
Judith Herman, the author of “Trauma and Recovery,” describes these emotional responses to trauma as hyper arousal. Hyper arousal takes place when the victim goes into a climactic emotionally confused state because of certain triggers and or reminders associated with his/her abuse.[1] Herman goes on to add that people who have coexisted in an abnormal terrifying environment generally respond in a totalitarian demeanor as adults.[2] In addition she affirms the notion that there is a severe need for the abused child to protect themselves after the abuse. This means of protection can remain the center of a person’s character into adulthood. [3]
In my case study, I realize that I had already been severely traumatized at the point my dad instructed me to cut the lawn in straight rows without missing any grass. The emotional effects of my dad’s need to usurp control caused me to tense up with anxiety while thoughts of failure gripped my mind before I even started on the lawn. When I messed up I assumed that it was totally my fault and thus wanted to fix the situation to cause my dad to except and appreciate me. This was a classic case of “double self,” because I sought to justify the reason for the abuse by blaming myself.[4] After all, my mother seemingly reinforced the notion that I was bringing the abuse on myself by not being obedient to my dad’s nit-picky request. Contrarily, I have made exhausting efforts to be and do well even through my adult years. I have also wrestled with moments of dysphoria (a state of utter confusion, anxiety, depression and feeling of helplessness), from the time of this case into adulthood. Sometimes I find myself experiencing these same symptoms at various moments in my life. It could be during a school presentation, or when I’m communicating with other more assertive men or women, and even in dating relationships when I feel threatened or hurt in some way.
Over the years I have seemingly demonstrated more anger toward my mom because as a child I viewed her as the level headed one who had the ability to protect me but would not. I have often felt bitterness and rage toward her because of thoughts that she abandoned me for the sake of maintaining her relationship with my abusive dad. Herman describes it as “protective failure,” which is to say that the non-abusive parent failed to protect the victim, thus leaving the victim feeling betrayed and alone to their detriment.[5]
Conclusively, I have discovered that the mind and body’s interactions in an abusive environment are natural ways that the mind and body attempts to cope with the abuse and heal itself of past trauma while coexisting in an abusive society and or world. The elements of abuse study assist us with putting our frequencies in line with reality so that we can make some sense of what we have gone through but it does not heal the mind of the traumatic experience.
Theological Concerns and Resources
Often time’s bible believers view the bible as the cure all for any dilemma. This is not to say that they think the bible doesn’t hold any solutions for the mental stresses of yesterday and today, however, it is saying that scripture has to be held responsible and or liable for what it says. Not to mention the fact that the bible cannot just be thrown onto the lap of an abused victim as medicine to heal their deep inner turmoil. Many scriptures such as Proverbs 13:24, “Those who spare the rod hates their children, but those who love them are diligent to discipline them,” seem to have a conflicting view for some in modern-day society who truly love their children. Clearly, this scripture infers that if children are not disciplined by use of a rod; the guardian hates them absent of any capacity to love them. The problem is that there are some who love their children that have not used any type of weapon as to force discipline. Love is expressed in many ways including ways that are not rooted in dogmatic aggression to persuade change. Many guardians discipline children with a simple conversation, while others might provide positive reinforcements for good behavior. [6] The point is that there are lots of ways to discipline and love children that are not highlighted and or underscored literally in scripture. Therein lays another question; should all scripture be taken literally? In the same book aforementioned it also states to “Train children in the right way, and when old, they will not stray.” The implication is that children are to be trained almost in an animalistic state in order to be made to do what the master suggest by controlling one’s will. Without a doubt, this type of training would require little to no thought from the trainee. There seems to be a type of shut up and do motif embedded in the text. Additionally, there is an inference that there is one right way. In theory, the scripture might sound good but it eliminates elements of personality and choice for the child to make decisions free of controlling mechanisms. The theological problem is that some scripture promote control to the highest degree. It begins with God’s control of his “children,” and philosophically trickles down to humanity and their offspring. [7]