Hooking Up, Hanging out and Hoping for Mr

HOOKING UP, HANGING OUT AND HOPING FOR MR. RIGHT – COLLEGE WOMEN ON DATING AND MATING TODAY

7/2001

Research by Institute for American Values, funded by Independent Women’s Forum

Norval Glenn and Elizabeth Marquardt

Executive Summary

Intvws w/ 62 college women on 11 campuses, and 20 min. phone intvws with 1,000 college women.

Marriage is a major life goal for the majority of today’s college women (83%), and 63% said they would like to meet their spouse while at college.

NTS: This belies the notion that women are interested in hooking up to avoid getting into more serious relshps.

In 1997, ratio of women to men in college has been 100/79.
Relshps b/ college men and women are characterized by either too little commitment or too much
Hooking up prevalent, with both participants drinking.
40% of women had hooked up.
10% hooked up more than six times.
61% who said hooking up made them feel desirable also said it made them feel awkward.
Ambiguity of term ‘hooking up’ allows women to be vague about the nature of the incident so they can avoid getting a bad rep.
Women say it is rare for college men to ask them on dates or acknowledge when they have become a couple.
50% asked on 6 or more dates
33% asked on two or fewer dates
women usually initiate the dtr talk
Women from divorced families:
Were eager to marry sooner, but less likely to believe their marriages would last
Less likely to have been raised with expectations from men
More likely to have hooked up, and often
37% hooked up more than six times
vs. 23% for women from intact families
Culture of courtship with a set of social norms and expectations has become a hookup culture with almost no shared norms or expectations.
87% of women agree that “I should not judge anyone’s sexual conduct except my own.” So when women are hurt or disappointed by hooking up, they typically blame themselves.
Little adult involvement, guidance or knowledge of dating and mating practices today.
Coed dorms facilitate hooking up.

The Demographic, Social and Cultural Context

Number of men in college steadily declining since 1980 has reduced opptys for women to meet spouse in college
Increased divorce rate in 60s and 70s made it hazardous for women to rely on husbands for econ security and social standing
Feminist movement, sexual rev
Continuing increase in cohabitation
Reduced stigma to bearing child out of wedlock
Demise of in loco parentis
Avg age at first marriage:
Women: 25.1 in 2000 from 20.8 in 1970

Several women noted that freshmen women seemed more receptive to hooking up. “A lot of freshman girls, esp when they first get here, think that sex will lead to a relshp…and that’s obviously not true.”

Being drunk makes it easier to hook up by loosening one’s inhibitions. Being drunk can also later serve as your excuse for the hookup.

Being drunk gives a woman license to act sexually interested in public in ways that would not otherwise be tolerated.

NTS: How good could the sex be if both parties are drunk? What are the chances of one party being concerned for the other’s satisfaction?

Common feelings about hooking up:

Awkwardness
Hurt feelings
Not knowing if the hookup would lead to st else, determination to ‘play it cool’
Feeling strong, desirable and sexy

Most women selected both pos and neg adjectives to describe their feelings.

“Something inside women thinks that this guy really cares at that moment when they’re hooking up, but then in the morning, they realize all he wanted was one thing.”

“Underlying this theme of ‘wanting more’ is a phenom that is distinctly diff from the courtship patterns of the past. In an earlier time it was understood that it was the man’s job to risk rejection first by asking the woman out on a date and seeking to impress her. It was then the woman’s decision whether to pursue st with him. In contrast, women today who hook up speak of feeling confused after the hook up b/c they do not know whether the guy will want a relshp and most often it appears that he does not.”

“While hooking up is portrayed by some students as a bold move made by a modern woman, it is interesting to note how often these women end up in a distinctly vulnerable position, waiting by the phone for the guy to call and allowing the guy to define the status of the relshp.”

When women felt hurt or had regrets after a hook up, the dominant theme was one of taking full responsibility for their actions and blaming themselves. They often commented that they are “emotional” or “sensitive” people and should have “known better” than to get involved in a hookup.

What women like is feeling sexual, empowered, womanly.

Women pretend with each other that they don’t care. It’s self-protective.

Reasons women rarely give for hooking up:

It’s a release; we’re so stressed all the time with work
Feeling of being in control
Boosting self-esteem

More common reasons:

It’s a way to avoid the hurt and rejection that can come from talking openly about feelings.
No breakups.
“Sex and hooking up are not necessarily tied to as many emotions as talking face to face with someone. And esp when you can pass off sex as st that happens…while you were drunk.”
12% of women said sometimes it is easier to have sex with a guy than to talk to him.
It’s a way to avoid getting into a relshp that could be time consuming.
Women tried to avoid the pain of breaking up by avoiding commitment in the first place. (like guys?)

The names for women who hook up frequently are cruel and hurtful, while the names for men are laudatory.

Irony of “Friends with benefits” arrangement: often a connection that requires even less commitment than real friends would expect of each other. These “friendships” seem to demand nothing of the participants, other than a ready willingness to have sex when their partner requests.

Attempt to recreate the lower intensity “shopping around” experience that trad dating provided? In trying to avoid the ambiguities and pressures of hooking up, they get caught in another set of ambiguities, such as one person thinks that going out to dinner is a ‘date’ and the other does not, or when one person thinks that friends can have sex while the other person thinks friendship means just the opposite. This can also lead to getting territorial about a friend.

“When women spoke of not having enough time for a committed relshp in college, it appeared to be “joined at the hip” relationships that they were envisioning.

NTS: Why nothing in between?

“In several cases it appeared that ‘nice guys’ who tried to follow women’s stated wishes by asking them on trad dates were less interesting to some women than men who interacted with women in other ways. Women seem more attracted to “players” who hook up a lot than to the nice guys.

NTS: Women always like bad boys. Also, women fantasize about taming them.

“Hanging out” fosters a situation in which a woman does not know if a certain guy is attracted to her or just likes her as a friend.

“Male initiative was one of the defining features of the trad dating system, and its decline has almost certainly resulted, to some extent, from the feminist movement and a desire for greater equality and symmetry in male-female relshps. However, it is also likely to stem from the low sex ratio among college students and the fact that the men can have sexual encounters, and perhaps enter into commitments, with less expenditure of time, energy, and money, and with less risk of rejection than the old dating system required.” At the same time, although the men appear to be more passive than in the past, they still hold much of the power in most of these scenarios:

After a hookup, men decide whether anything more will happen
A man asks a woman to go somewhere with him, but keeps her guessing about his intentions
Men and women becomes sexually involved and spend a lot of time together, but usually the woman has to ask (and risk rejection) whether they are officially in a relshp. He decides.

Hooking up, hanging out and joining at the hip – forms of relating which are often characterized by either too little commitment or too much – all appear to be reactions to the lack of a courtship culture. B/c processes for mating and dating are not socially prescribed and not clear, women feel that they must make up their own rules as they go along.

“I think hooking up with diff people and seeing what you like and don’t like is a good idea. B/c eventually you’re going to have to …marry someone and I’d just like to know that I experienced et.” Although it is admirable to take risks and learn from one’s mistakes, these women would prob find it difficult to explain how having your heart broken a few or even many times in your early years – or trying to separate sex from feeling, as in hooking up – is good preparation for a trusting and happy marriage later on.

Many college students seem acutely conscious that the years after grad will be full of movement and unpredictability, as each person chooses b/ work, grad school, and travel, all of which could take place anywhere in the world, and all of which in their minds requires almost absolute freedom and flexibility.

Most women do not long for a return to trad. Dating. They appreciate the new kinds of power that women have, yet long for more clarity re how to exercise this power.

NTS: So the goal is not to turn the clock back. But how can women get more control, have more say in defining the relshp? What about the power to say no or hold out for more?

Many women liked the idea that women and men should be friends before they started dating.