Clemens “Brian” Browne
Hora 2
The Epic Duel of Latin... with these Epic Translations of Latin
Characters
.Name: Minerva McGonagall
.Latin Culture Reference: Minerva was the Roman counterpart of the Greek Athena, the goddess of wisdom
.Name: Dedalus Diggle
.Latin Culture Reference: Dedalus (a name meaning “cunning worker”) was the father of Icarus, which built the wings that his son used to fly too close to the sun, thus melting the wings, leading to his untimely demise. It really wasn’t a bright idea! Get it? Sun… bright… yeah.
Spells:
.Name: Accio ___
.Translation: “I call for” or “I summon”
.Use: Makes named object (that ___ thing) fly straight to the caster
.Name: Crucio
.Translation: “I torture”
.Use: Inflicts severe pain
.Name: Diffindo
.Translation: “I split”
.Use: Either rips an object in half or causes separation
.Name: Impedimenta
.Translation: “Hindrances”
.Use: Either stops a living thing or slows it down
.Name: Levicorpus
.Translation: “I raise the body”
.Use: Dangles the victim in mid-air by the ankle
.Name: Tergeo
.Translation: “I wipe”, “I scour”, or “I clean
.Use: Cleaning
Clemens “Brian” Browne
Hora 2
The Epic Duel of Latin: The Dialogue
Characters:
.Dedalus Diggle- Villain
.Adam Henry- Damsel in distress
.Minerva McGonagall- Hero(ine)
.A surprise character or two for good measure
SETTING: The deserted halls of HaverfordMiddle School
Dedalus: Now I, Dedalus Diggle, the villain of unusual-sounding last names, have finally captured Magister Henry! Fail me in Latin, will you? Then die! But first, I’ll use you to bait your old favorite student… Minerva McGonagall! Should she escape my awesome powers of torturing and/or dangling people by their ankles, I have dirtied the carpet to exploit her OCD-like need to clean! Then, she will pay for her horrific smartness… and then you for your strict grading standards!
Mr. Henry: (from his cage) O me miseram! Please let me go! I have two cats to feed!
Dedalus: Quiet, man! You’re turning my monologue into a dialogue… and for that, you’ll get flogged!
Minerva: Oh, no he won’t, Diggle.
Dedalus and Mr. Henry: (in unison) Gasp! Minerva McGonagall!
Minerva: Yes… it is… Anyway, Diggle, prepare to be ousted!
Dedalus: You dare use my last name?! Then prepare to be tortured! Are you prepared yet? No? Too bad! Crucio!
(Dedalus stretches out his arm and makes a variety of odd finger movements. Subsequently, McGonagall falls to the floor, writhing in agony.)
Dedalus: Ha! That’s right! Let’s see you translate your way out of this one!
(While this is going on, a shadowy figure approaches Mr. Henry’s cage. The person is… Minerva McGonagall?)
Mr. Henry: Mehercule! Minerva?! But you’re over there!
Minerva: Oh, not really… I’ll explain later. For now, let’s just focus on getting you out of this cage. Diffindo!
(The real Minerva splits the cage in half and helps Mr. Henry get out. Dedalus, seeing this, stops torturing the not-so-real Minerva and turns around, amazed.)
Dedalus: But… but… Wait, what’s going on?! If you’re the real McGonagall, then who am I torturing?
(The fake Minerva launches into a fit of creepy giggling as she straightens herself up and pulls off her mask to reveal…)
Dedalus and Mr. Henry: (in unison) Gasp! Andrew DePaul!
Minerva: Yes, thank you, Andrew, for volunteering to dress like me to serve as a decoy.
Andrew: Hee hee hee… My pleasure… It really was… Hee hee… Ha ha ha… Ha ha… It was…
(Andrew shuffles out of the building giggling to himself, still wearing his dress.)
Mr. Henry: What an odd turn of events, even for Andrew’s standards! But who cares how this all came about? Eugepae! I am free! And now, behold how fast my track team will pick me up and carry me away! Vale, Minerva, and bonam fortunam!
(The HMS track team comes and carries Mr. Henry far away.)
Dedalus: He’s gone?! Curses!
Minerva: Or as we say in Latin, “Eheu”.
Dedalus: Alright, that’s it! It’s time for everyone’s favorite game of “Dangle by the Ankle”! Levicorpus!
(Dedalus stretches his arm upward this time, still making those odd finger movements. This time, Minerva is dangled by her ankle up in the air.)
Dedalus: Oh, my! Is all the blood rushing into that big head of yours? Heh heh heh!
Minerva: Yes it is, but I still have enough wits about me to take care of you! Prepare for the summoning of your worst nightmare! Accio molestus puer!
(Minerva waves her hand downward, and where she gestures, a cloud of smoke appears to reveal…)
Dedalus: Gasp! Sextus the Annoying Boy!
Sextus: Nothing frightens me! Except for wolves, dogs, and falling out of trees, nothing frightens me! I want to climb a tree! I see no tree! I want to climb a tree! Nothing frightens me!
Dedalus: Gah! I thought I could torture people! He’s just so annoying! Make it stop! Make it stop, I beg you!
(Dedalus loses his control over Minerva, who lands on the floor.)
Minerva: (dusting herself off) Well, thank you for your assistance, Sextus, but frankly, I can’t stand you either. Be gone!
(Sextus disappears into a cloud of smoke, still talking incessantly.)
Minerva: Well, Diggle, it appears that you’re out of options. You’ve got as much chance of beating me as you have of completing a noun chart! Just give up!
Dedalus: Yeah, I guess you’re right… Gasp! Look how dirty this carpet is!
Minerva: Oh, my… it is… no, it doesn’t matter… yes, it does… losing… self control… can’t… stop… cleaning… impulses… Tergeo!
(Minerva suddenly generates energy beams specially designed to get rid of stains, going over the carpet with them several times.)
Dedalus: Hah! You fell for it! Now it’s time to use my secret weapon of stopping people in their tracks! Impedimenta!
(Dedalus stretches out his hand and makes odd finger movements… oh, wait, no, my bad. He just makes a gesture similar to that “talk to the hand” thing. Just like that, Minerva stops moving, as though someone was pressing the pause button on a cheap movie.)
Dedalus: Wait, why didn’t I just do that in the first place?! Oh, well, now my foe will never move those accursed bilingual lips again. As for Mr. Henry… oh, what the heck! Let’s just let bygones be bygones… on one condition. I have a friend named Brian Browne who has an important quarter project. Mr. Henry, if Mr. Browne doesn’t get an A+, you will hear from me again.
The End (or at least, let’s hope it is)