Planning Your Wedding
happy ever after
Planning your big day can take up so much time and energy that you forget to think about the realities of life after the wededing. Belinda Bamber offers some advice for married life.
From novels to TV costume dramas, all romantic fiction ends in the marriage of two starry-eyed lovers, who emerge from the wedding ceremony into a sunny crowd of adoring friends and relatives. This union of two people who love each other, witnessed by all those who know them best, is a powerful social event in which everyone invests ideals of true love and happiness.
The fact that marriage is a beginning rather an ending is a reality check that’s both exciting and daunting. No matter how madly in love the couple is at the outset, most experience problems and doubts once the banality of mortgage payments sets in. The sequel to Pride and Prejudice might have shown Mr Darcy storming out of the parlour because Lizzie had run up a gigantic bonnet bill, or Lizzie shredding his favourite riding shirt after he abandoned her and their squalling children to go on a hunting jaunt with his friends.
The truth is, in the adrenaline rush of planning a wedding, many couples spend hours discussing menus and venues but rarely broach the way they’ll lead their lives after marriage, says Elaine Taylor of Relate Cambridge. ‘It’s important to look ahead at issues such as how you’ll manage joint finances, who’s going to be the main breadwinner, and who’ll be the prime carer if you have kids,’ she says. ‘Do you expect always to socialise together or will you have some separate friends and leisure time? Whose friends and family are you planning to keep up with most?’
Sometimes there are also underlying problems in a relationship that come to the fore in the stress of planning the big day, and Relate Cambridge runs pre commitment sessions for pre-wedding couples that enable them to explore these issues rather than sweep them under the carpet. ‘People are reluctant to face this because they think a heavy duty heart-to-heart might mess up their big romantic day’, acknowledges Elaine. ‘But my experience is that people are elated after the pre-marriage session because they realise their problems can be sorted. It relieves the underlying tension. Couples who’ve attended a group session, say it’s even more helpful to see others going through the same experience.’
The wedding day itself can sometimes start the marriage on a difficult footing if it doesn’t meet the fantasy expectations of one or other partner. There can be sizeable differences and compromises involved in terms of what the day represents. Elaine urges couples to talk to each other about what they each expect from the wedding day, as well as from the marriage. ‘The wedding is the pivotal time, and in the excitement and newness of setting up home the emphasis can become materialistic and it’s easy to forget the emotional side of things,’ she says.
Encouragingly, one of the lessons that Relate aims to teach couples is that it’s not only alright but perfectly normal to have differing views and expectations. Finding a way of disagreeing without automatically falling out with each other may not sound romantic, but it’s a life skill that really will make for a long-term happy ending.
Belinda Bamber
Tips for weddings
- try not to let wedding razzmatazz distract from the long view
- discuss what the day represents to each of you
- ask yourselves: what makes a good marriage?
- discuss future financial arrangements before you marry
- learn how to disagree and stay friends
- remind yourselves what you appreciate in each other
Call Relate Cambridge on 01223 357424 for further help and support.
First published in Cambridgeshire Agenda September 2009