Client Name: Manish / Target School: Chicago
Essay Question:
Why are you seeking an MBA? What are your plans and goals after you receive your degree?
Essay Type: Future Goals
Actual Word Count: 514 / Target Word Count: 500
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Second Submission of Essay with Editor’s Comments:
Over the next few years, I would like to round out my corporate finance experience with exposure to other areas of finance, even possibly investment banking [Comment 1][J1] . Even more importantly, I aim to learn about other areas of business—particularly marketing and strategy. Doing so will help me become a well-rounded manager who understands all of the inner workings of a company [Comment 2][J2] . My ultimate goal is to become CFO of a large company, but in the shorter term I know that the best way to grow professionally is to learn more about general business, and a Chicago MBA will help me do just that [Comment 3][J3] .
I [Comment 4][J4] received my degree in Business Management with a concentration of Finance at Delaware State College in the undergraduate business program, which had just formed two years before I joined. Due to the newness of the program, there were not many classes set up specifically for undergraduate business students. We were thus all placed in graduate level classes along with the MBA students in Delaware State's business school. This experience proved to be the most exciting and, at the same time, the most intimidating one in my life. It was exciting because I realized that I had the intelligence [Comment 5][J5] to learn alongside current MBA students, but it was scary because I learned that I had much to learn [Comment 6][J6] in business. It was for this reason that I decided I needed to acquire a good basis of understanding in finance once I graduated from college [Comment 7][J7] .
I reasoned that the best way to truly learn and understand finance was to start as an accountant and get a good grounding in the basics of the income statement and its components [Comment 8][J8] . This led to my first job as a Staff Accountant at Bob Chinn's, Inc., a restaurant operator in Chicago. After two solid years of accounting, I realized that I wanted to learn more about the operations that generated the statement, as well as the workings [Comment 9][J9]of planning and forecasting. Rather than just reporting what had happened, I wanted to be closer [Comment 10][J10] to the decisions that steer the business. This led me to my current job as a financial analyst at A.T. & Love Corp [Comment 11][J11] .
I have now reached another point of awareness in my life [Comment 12][J12] , and I want to expand my knowledge of business in general, in order to grow as a potential [Comment 13][J13] manager. In particular, I would like to combine what I learn at Chicago GSB with my own experiences to figure out how a company structures its finances can help its managers make better decisions [Comment 14][J14]. For instance, I have seen companies with too much debt make decisions for the wrong reasons, and I would like to learn how to avoid making these same mistakes in the future.
The first step to learning and applying these lessons is for me to gain more formal training in business school. With its flexible curriculum and a student body so dedicated to seeking answers to tough questions, I know that Chicago GSB is the ideal place for me to take this next step in my life [Comment 15][J15].
Content:
You very clearly and directly answer questions that are asked. The admissions committee can get a clear sense of who you are and what you want to do with your career.
You might consider giving a bit more explanation as to why you have set these goals for yourself. Questions you might want to answer are:
- Why do you want to be a CFO? Maybe you admire the CFO of the company you work for now.
- Why do you think investment banking is the best post-grad school position to prepare you to be a CFO v. getting a position in corporate finance at a company and working your way up? I think the admissions committee will know why (i.e., exposure to many industries, etc), but they want to know that you know.
Adding content might be hard, given you are currently slightly over the word limit. If you are looking to make room, consider condensing the background part (second paragraph). It’s relatively less important that the other sections (it supports and explains the answers to your questions, rather than addressing the questions directly) and the sentences of that paragraph could be more concise.
Content Rating: 4 (out of 5)
Parameters / Structure:
The first paragraph is great in that you address the question straight away. The first two sentences do leave the reader asking “why?”. Why do you want to round out your corporate finance experience? Why do you want exposure to other areas of business? We find out in the last sentence that is it because you want to be a CFO. Consider stating that in the beginning and then going to the short term goals / education goals.
For example:
- Over the long-term, I want to be a CFO of a large company.
- To prepare me for that position, I aim to be an investment banker.
- I want to go to GSB so that I can round out my corporate finance experience and learn about general areas of business (i.e., marketing).
Parameters / Structure Rating: 3 (out of 5)
Grammar:
- Excellent! No noticeable errors.
- Slightly over word limit. Don’t try to cut out words and the expense of losing the clear style of the essay.
- Word choice is awkward in a couple places and is noted in the essay
- Slightly less concise than the first essay. You might consider condensing some sentences, especially in the second and fourth paragraphs
Grammar Rating: 5 (out of 5)
Use of “Situation, Action, Result” format (if applicable):
N/A
Reflection on Target School:
Much better than first draft. You still have to show that you have a deeper interest in Chicago GSB and more familiarity with the program.
There are few areas that you’ll need to address:
- What is unique about GSB that fits my educational and career goals? The GSB’s strength in the finance community is probably one main reason.
- How is Chicago different than other top schools and what does that attract you? You might consider looking at how Chicago is different that other programs (i.e., Wharton, Columbia) that are commonly considered “financed-focused” and determine what is different about the GSB. How does that fit in with your goals? Give reasons why the GSB is the only school that makes sense for you to attend.
- What is unique about me that will make me fit in at GSB and make contributions that no one else can? You have a strong background in finance, so maybe that’s a good place to start. Describing fit is hard to do. If you can, try to talk to current students or alumni.
- Mention if you have visited the school
Reflection on Background::
Very well done! You added great level of detail about your undergraduate experience and how it impacted your career decisions to date.
You might consider addressing why finance versus other career options that would give you exposure to business as well.
Also consider explaining why accounting and not an entry-level job in a corporate finance department, since finance is your main interest out of school.
Rating Descriptions
Category / Rating / Description
Content / 4-5 / The essay adequately answers all elements of the essay and utilizes a fitting experience / example for the question at hand.
3 / The essay does not completely address the essay and / or the experience / example used is not compelling.
1-2 / The essay fails to adequately answer a critical portion of the essay and does not use a fitting experience / example for the question at hand.
Grammar / 4-5 / The essay has minimal grammar flaws, including syntax, sentence structure and use of idioms.
3 / The essay exhibits grammar flaws that should be addressed, but do not affect “readability”.
1-2 / The essay exhibits grammar flaws that detract from the essay and do affect “readability”.
Structure / 4-5 / The essay flows well, is concise and meets the word limit criterion.
3 / The essay surpasses the word limit by a noticeable margin and the essay would benefit from structural improvement.
1-2 / The essay is difficult to follow and the main points of the essay are difficult to extract.
[J1]Why is rounding out your corporate finance experience something you want to do?
[J2]Why do you want to understand the inner workings of a company?
[J3]Very well stated. Perhaps start with this sentence.
[J4]
[J5]“Intelligence” sounds a bit awkward. You might want to think of another word. Intelligence is important, but you might want to highlight another quality (i.e., ability to contribute in class discussions). The admissions committee will see your intelligence from GMAT and GPA. Use this opportunity to highlight another skill.
[J6]You use the word “learn” many times in this sentence.
[J7]Very good! You might want to mention why finance and not strategy/marketing/etc.
[J8]This is very well stated.
[J9]Don’t need to say “workings.” You can say, “as well as planning and forecasting” Save a couple words!
[J10]“closer” is not very specific. Maybe say, “have an impact on the decisions that steer the business."
[J11]This is a great paragraph.
[J12]How do you know this? What exactly does that mean? You might want to start this paragraph off by saying, “After working as a financial analyst, I now want to expand my knowledge.”
[J13]I wouldn’t say “potential”. The admissions committee will want to see that you are confident that you will be a manager and that b school will help you get there faster and more smoothly.
[J14]You don’t need the first part of this sentence. You can just state that, as a future CFO, you want to learn more about how companies structure their finances.
[J15]It’s good to tie your goals with the school, but the two characteristics you chose are not very school specific. Many schools have flexible curriculum and ALL have students dedicated to answering tough questions.