Letters To Elizabeth By Kortnae Smith
November 8, 1992
Dear Elizabeth,
It’s been a week since you left and I miss you terribly. My life hasn’t been the same. I almost lost my job because I was thinking of you. When I got home this evening I tried to forget you but it was hard. You were the fun in my life. I sat in my room all day thinking about all the fun times we had together. I try to keep you out of my mind during the day. You know me, I don’t really like showing my feelings but, when I came home this evening I don’t know what happened but I lost all the control that I've built up over the years, and cried my heart out until my eyes were completely dry. I wish you didn’t have to leave. I have to go now, moms calling me. I will write again later. I love you lots but I miss you more Elizabeth.
Love,
Seth
November 10, 1992
Dear Elizabeth,
Sorry for not writing yesterday I got busy with work and school. I hope your life’s going better than mine. I had to work three extra shifts yesterday so that I can pay my half of the rent but I still haven’t made enough money and on top of that I had to tutor four different groups of kids yesterday in between shifts. The tutoring gets me extra credit in the classes I’m failing and there are a lot of them so I’ll take what I can get. I had a test today but I doubt I passed it. The only thing on my mind was you. I swear you leaving was the worst thing that ever happened to me. Mom has been staying in my room since you left. She says she will leave when I “Get my thoughts all in the right place,” but I think she just really needs comfort at this point and I don’t blame her. Without you I'm a mess and I need someone to help me I guess. Well its 2:30 in the morning and I need to get some sleep. I miss you Lizzy.
Love,
Seth
November 20, 1992
Dear Elizabeth,
Today I realized that you are really gone and that I'm going to have to except that. The outside of me seems to look like I've forgotten you but the inside can’t let go of our memories together. I miss the may we used to talk. You are the only person who gets me. I think moms handling this way better than I am. She hasn’t cried for about a week now. As for me I've cried myself to sleep every night since you left. I'm going to attempt to make Grandma Lacey’s famous German chocolate cheese cake for thanksgiving. I know it’s your favorite. Mom said she’s going to make some stuffing. She said she’s going to put a “secret” ingredient. But even I know she’s just going to put some pieces of bacon in it with some of the new spices she bought on our trip to china town. Do you remember that trip? That was probably my favorite vacation ever. Remember how that Chinese guy chased us out of his restaurant because we removed his belt from his pants. That belt is still hanging above my bed in my room. Sorry Liz. I have to go. Moms’ taking me to Grandma Lacey’s to get the recipe. Love you lots Elizabeth.
Love,
Seth
November 26, 1992
Dear Elizabeth,
Today was thanksgiving and I think I did better then I thought on Grandma Lacey’s German chocolate cheese cake. Usually when there’s cheese cake at thanksgiving dinner, I would be able to get at the most three pieces. But I guess I made the best cheese cake ever because I barley got one piece. But I guess that should be a complement. Grandma Lacey’s never got that much attention. Moms’ stuffing was actually pretty good and she didn’t burn the house down when she made her “homemade” turkey, so I was pretty proud of her. We’re going on a vacation to Hawaii next month. I wish you could come with us. I hope I get to fly over a volcano. That would be so much fun don’t you think. It would be better if you were there but I'm just going to have to get over the fact that your not here anymore. Wow, I didn’t know this is what it feels like to miss someone so terribly. I miss you, Elizabeth.
Love,
Seth
November 30, 1992
Dear Elizabeth,
So today I stayed home from school. Apparently I have food poisoning. Moms turkey didn’t turn out as well as we thought. So I’ve been sick in bed almost all day today. My stomach hurts like crazy. This is like the first hour all day that I haven’t been in the bathroom throwing up. It’s weird I haven’t ate anything all day but somehow manage to keep myself in the bathroom for seven hours. I've had a huge headache all day yesterday and most of today. This is one of the days when I wish you were still here to brighten up my day. But now I have no one. No one to make me smile when I'm sad. No one to make me calm when I want to punch the wall. Like I said before life isn’t the same without you in it. I just wish I could see you again even if it was just for a split second. That’s all I need. Pictures will never fill the whole in my heart. I actually need to feel your presence around me and I need to hear you say my name. Hearing your voice would make me feel better. I would love to hear you every night. I would sleep a lot better if I knew somehow that you were still with me. I feel so hopeless without you hear, like I can’t do anything right anymore. I need you here with me more than anything right now. Well my stomach is about to burst open so I better go. I love you Elizabeth. I will write you again soon.
Love,
Seth
December 1, 1992
Dear Elizabeth,
Today is probably the best day I've had since you left. My food poisoning is gone so I actually had the strength to move around today. Everyone was being nice to me at school today even my teachers. It was so different usually no one notices me but today everyone noticed me. My math teacher even let me skip the test today. This is very good because I really need to study. Mom even did all of my chores today. So I've been pretty much bored all day, but it was a good type of bored. It was a relief to not have to do anything to day. I wouldn’t mind doing work if you were with me to help me or at least keep me company. I miss you so much Elizabeth. I have to go grandma lacey is here. I’ll talk to you soon.
Love,
Seth
December 6, 1992
Dear Elizabeth,
Today mom told me that we are leaving tomorrow for Hawaii. I was so excited until she told me what time we have to get up. Can you believe it? I have to wake up at 3 a.m. just to catch our flight. But I guess the trips worth it. I’m just lucky to be going. Last week mom told me that I have to pass my math test; you know the one that my teacher let me skip, in order to go on the trip. She said that if I didn’t pass that she would go without me. So of course that made me study more than I've ever studied before. But I passed it at least. I'm so happy to go on this trip. Yesterday a thought came to my mind. I was thinking that maybe all the memories in this house are why it’s hard to forget you. Hopefully this trip will help. I still wish that you could come with us. This vacation isn’t going to be as fun without you here with me. Mom keeps telling me that this vacation will help clear my head, but the truth is I can’t clear my head. Every time I try, you just pop right back into it. So I don’t think this trip will help much. But I’m going to try and make the best of it. Remember when we vacationed in Louisiana? Last night I had a dream about the time when I pushed you into that lake. Do you remember that fall? I remember jumping in after you, even though I'm the one that pushed you in. I still have that picture on my night stand. Well I have to go Lizzy. I have to go to sleep early so that I can wake up early. I love you.
Love,
Seth
December 15, 1992
Dear Elizabeth,
Hawaii is so awesome! I so wish you were here with me. Instead of the snow that you hate, it’s bright and sunny here. I think you would like it here. There’s palm trees every where you look. But that’s not even the best part. Our hotel is literally right on the beach. When I look out of my window all you can see is beach and water. It’s so pretty. A few days after we got here I went swimming with sharks! They were so huge! I was scared but at the same time I was blown out of my mind. The only downside to this vacation is that we’re spending Christmas here. I won’t be able to celebrate the way I like to, covered in snow with lots of hot chocolate. Instead I have to spend it lying on the beach drinking a can of soda. I don’t know about you but that is not how I picture my Christmas vacation. Speaking of Christmas mom asked me what I want for Christmas. Do you know what I said? I said that all I want for Christmas is my Elizabeth. It’s true too. Sorry Lizzy I have to go, moms taking me to the mall to get souvenirs. I’ll write you later.
Love,
Seth
December 25, 1992
Dear Elizabeth,
Right now it’s 4:00 a.m. and I am so bored. It’s Christmas day but nobody is awake yet. I’m so tempted to go look at the tree. It’s funny as old as I am, I still can’t sleep the night before Christmas. I’m so jittery. I can’t sit still. I want to be your age again so that I can just run into mom’s room as early as I want so that we can open presents. I feel like a 7 year old. I think I'm going to try to go back to sleep for awhile.
Love,
Seth
December 25, 1992
Dear Elizabeth,
So we finally opened presents this morning. I got an electric guitar. I also got some other things but I really love my guitar. It’s red, purple, and bright green, my three favorite colors. Mom also bought me guitar lessons. I'm guessing that she only bought me the guitar and the lessons so that I wouldn’t be sad anymore. I seriously doubt that these lessons are going to keep me from thinking about you. But if it keeps mom happy, then I guess I’ll give it a try. All day today we’ve been eating out. At breakfast, we went out to a Hawaiian version of IHop they served a lot of breakfast food that was native to their culture and to my amazement it was actually really good. Than for lunch we went to a buffet. You know how I get when there’s no limit to how much food I can eat. I had like 50 plates. Mom was like “I can’t believe that you can eat that much but still be as skinny as a twig.” I actually agree with her. Mom said that all of the food I eat is going to catch up to me sooner or later, but Grandma Lacey says that all of my food just goes into my height. I guess that makes sense considering the fact that I'm six foot two, but mom says that there’s still a possibility. For dinner, we went to a luau. It was so cool. It was all decorated in Christmas decorations and all the palm trees were covered in ornaments. They even had fake snow everywhere. It was so much fun. I wish there was real snow so I could have a snowball fight, but then I realized that even if there was real snow I wouldn’t be able to have a snowball fight. I can’t have a snowball fight with myself, and I knew for a fact that mom and grandma Lacey weren’t going to have a snowball fight with me. I can’t have any fun anymore. There’s nobody here to make me laugh or smile. I have no one to have fights with but then make up like two seconds later. I miss you so much Liz. It’s so boring without u here. This is suppose to be my vacation to get over you, but being here with only mom and grandma Lacey is just so boring. I have no choice but to think about you. Mom keeps telling me to go out to the beach and make a friend, but what's the point of that? We’re leaving after new years so even if I do make a friend I will never see them again in my whole entire life. I’d rather sit around and just think about you. Mom thinks that I’m writing these letters to a ghost. I told her that you will get these letters even if it kills me. I have to go Lizzy. I’ll write you soon. I love you.
Love,
Seth
December 27, 1992
Dear Elizabeth,
So I was sitting on the beach today and guess what? I saw a turtle! It was so cool. It was like 2 inches away from my face. Right when I was about to touch it mom told me it was time to go. I was so mad. I want to go back outside to see this amazing animal, but mom said that we have to get ready to go to one of grandma Lacey’s friend’s house. Mom told me that grandma’s friend is the one who bought us the tickets to come here. So that’s why were going over there. I honestly would rather study the turtle, but mom says that it wouldn’t be polite. So I’m kind of stuck going along. I started playing my guitar today. I was actually playing it when I saw the turtle. Wow, maybe this guitar does help keep my mind clear fro thinking about you. I was on that beach for five hours and never once did u pop into my mind. Maybe I am getting used to this whole thing. Mom says that I might have separation anxiety. But after today I think that maybe I just needed to get busy so that I won’t have time to be upset about you. I know that I'm always going to miss you more than I’ve ever missed anyone in my entire life, but maybe mom’s right. I can’t let my pain from losing you control my life. I think this year my new year’s resolution is to keep my mind of you. I even might join some sports teams this year. Yeah, I know I'm not the best athletic person in the world, but mom says that I would be great on the track team. I'm also going to join band this year. I actually think this might work. With all the things that I'm going to do this year, I won’t have time to think about you. That’s probably what mom wants to happen and I'm just going to let it happen I guess. Mom said that right when we get back home my guitar lessons start. She said that I have lessons every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Then my band classes at school are every Tuesday and Thursday. So basically I'm going to be busy every day except for the weekends. I think mom planed them like that on purpose. Well mom said that its time to leave. I love you Elizabeth.
Love,
Seth
December 29, 1992
Dear Elizabeth,