Boundaries Roundtable with Rachel Alley
Opening Prayer and Scripture Reading – Colossians 3:12-17
Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 13 Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14 And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.
15 Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. 16 Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. 17 And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.
So we won’t get all the answers today or solve all the problems. This time together is designed to get a discussion going on boundaries as well as equipping you as leaders of children and youth.
There are 3 ongoing conversations you must have after this initial gathering.
1) Creating Written Safe Sanctuary (aka Safe Haven, Boundaries) Policies for Our Congregation – in accordance with your insurance company’s requirements. Update yearly. Safe Sanctuaries, Reducing the Risk of Abuse in the Church for Children and Youth by Joy Thornburg Melton and Preventing Sexual Abuse in Congregations, a resource for leaders by Karen A. McClintock are good resources.
2) Creating a Written Covenant with Youth and Adults on how we will live as a community. Update each year as youth join the group.
3) Communicate both your policy and covenant with the entire congregation so that everyone is on board and aware.
A. What are Boundaries? Boundaries are to protect the youth, you and the congregation. A Boundary is a limit and a standard. A boundary tells us what acceptable behavior is.
a. What to do, what not to do. We all need to know the limits and expectations.
b. For youth and children, boundaries are freeing, because inside the limits are safe. We want the children and youth to grow spiritually, to know God and others through building relationships, sharing the faith, going deep into heart matters, asking questions, praying, and so forth.
B. Benefits of boundaries are fewer crises, happier youth, happier parents, happier teachers, more congregational support, living the faith as a community. When we don’t set up and say what is expected. Things are unclear. We set up our youth/adults to fail. Boundaries are good.
C. What are some example of boundaries? Speed Limit, Do not Enter signs, What else?
D. First and Foremost - Adults… you are the adult – you are the one in charge – you have the power – do not take advantage of that either physically, emotionally, or spiritually with a youth or child. Be their friend, an adult friend. Children and Youth are imitators of behavior and example. Be a good role model!
E. Interpersonal Boundaries - Deposits and Credits and Walls. Sometimes kids have walls around them – some kids walls are really close and you can touch and talk with them really close. Sometimes kids have walls that are way out here (Show arms) and they just might not want to talk. Respect their boundaries -walls. Eventually, they will let you get closer to them and most likely share what’s going on with them if they trust you.
F. Trust and Confidentiality - Don’t share what a youth tells you. Ask them if I can share your story or can I share this with the pastor. If a youth is hurting themselves or might harm someone else – you must tell. You must tell the youth, this isn’t something that I can keep in confidence. You must report! As a congregation, create a plan for this protocol. Pastor, Parent, Police, DFACs. It all depends upon the situation. If you write it down, then all will know what the process is to follow.
G. Keep your commitments. Be clear and explicit about what you expect. Set clear limits. Then abide by them. Don’t make exceptions and don’t treat kids differently. Let your actions, be your words, smile, welcoming attitude, helping out. If you mess up, then apologize and take responsibility.
A. What are some examples of good boundaries? Speed limits, One person talks at a time, stay with the group. Boundaries really help the youth respect and relate to each other. Make it a group effort. Then reinforce – so that there can be some personal responsibility – ex. Affirm – future UD – active in a church and being on staff – this is a boundary for us.
a. Physical Boundaries – One that comes to mind here is the Door - don’t go outside alone – adult and youth should never disappear alone. No dating a youth.
What are some boundaries that are already in place? What are some boundaries that need to be put in place? Hugs, do not sit with the same youth all the time (unless they are your child)
Let’s talk about physical contact
Side Hugs are good.
Keep touch restricted to on the hand, shoulder, or upper back.
TOUCH Be consistent with your physical interactions with all the kids and adults
When dancing, keep appropriate distance – room for the holy spirit.
Engage in backrubs only in open group settings where other youth and adults are present.
b. Emotional Boundaries - We want to reflect a Christian community . How we treat one another – Bullying – Picking on one another – stealing – sarcasm hurts - So watch your language (cussing). Watch your music when you are driving a car. Watch your attire. Make sure your conversation is age appropriate. Don’t talk about your difficulties in marriage or who your dating to a 6th grader! Everyone builds a wall around themselves especially when hurt. Think about banking – deposits and credits. When someone is hurt – it takes a lot more deposits to get then back in relationship with you – with God. And relationships are way more important that the spiritual content. Be careful about expressng your opinion on social or moral issues depending upon the age and discussion. It’s better to be a good listener and talk things through than to throw your opinion on them.
Some kids come with issues bigger than we can handle – recommend a specialist – do not counsel a youth alone – meet 3 times maximum with another adult or/and in a public place.
c. Other Boundaries – no alcohol – no drugs – no tobacco - Don’t bring personal property that you don’t want stolen or broken. If you are dating someone and are both serving as youthworkers, only show appropriate touch.
d. Verbal boundaries – don’t disagree or argue with each other in front of the youth – use good listening and conversation techniques – if you disagree with another adult – take that disagreement away from the youth – you don’t want the kids to pick sides – and they will want to defend – be careful how you talk with one another – your tone- sarcasm hurts – bullying hurts
e. Medicines – Over the Counter and Prescription? Pre-existing conditions like asthma, allergies, add, adhd, autism, - need a plan
f. Social Networking - SN is valuable and helps stay connected - but watch what you put on your page, twitter, instagram, snapchat – so no pictures of partying – or other actions that aren’t reflective of a Christian. Don’t friend a youth – instead wait on a youth to friend you. Don’t tag youth in your pictures – wait for them to either tag themselves or if they ask you to tag them. (on your permission/liability form – you need a statement getting permission to take pictures that can be used by the church)
g. Remember you are needed for the youth you have been called to work with – intruders and guests are hard.
h. 2 adults needed at every event – preferably male and female if mixed sexes are present
i. When playing games or leading a discussion – don’t cross the line – you are there to help the kids grow and have fun – not to win either the game or the discussion
j. Cell phones – don’t use them when teaching or leading – focus on relationships – maybe set a basket up in your room
k. Interruptions – ask if you can “schedule” a time to meet
Create a Covenant with the Youth – they will help you set boundaries that they are comfortable with.
This can cover –dating in the youth group ( I prefer none – but I know it happens – brings lots of drama) No affection while in youth group, makes others feel uncomfortable. I once had an adult who was my “discipline” guy. The youth were always picking on each other, middle school boys, so his word was, “no touching” well, as the boys became high school boys, he was still able to use the same language, when kids were dating. Unfortunately, family and parents have different rules about dating, touching, etc, so it’s better to make it clear in your covenant what your expectations.
No stealing, drugs, alcohol, firecrackers, firearms, knives
Clean Up – Protect Property – Clean Up where ever you are!
Consequences – this is a good thing – a teachable moment – and possibly an experience of Grace. As soon as a boundary is broken – address it. Think about what your consequences are beforehand. Write them down along with the covenant – Should not be degrading or humiliating. Consequences apply to everyone! Be fair and consistent. No favorites! Praise Praise Praise in Public. CORRECT in private. Sometimes breaking the covenant/boundaries is a cry for help and attention. Try to address it positively around other youth and adults, but also speak to someone about the issue. Sometimes separation is needed like leaving the room, getting yourself together and coming back, maybe we need to bring in more adults.
Abuse – If a youth is harming themselves or going to harm someone else or is being harmed – you have to report and communicate it. Even volunteers are mandatory reporters in GA. If there is a question of abuse? Go to either pastor, paid staff person, call county DFACS and ask questions. It’s a complicated process, so you want to be sure. You also need to make sure you have the support ofthe
Let’s think about Risk Management – of course we want to have safe events
To prove negligence, 4 factors must be present: 1) duty of care must be by congregation and or staff/volunteer 2) must be a breach of duty of care and the problem was foreseeable 3) the breach of duty must be directly related to the accident 4) there must be actual damage or loss.
Consider a Volunteer Application and Background Check – maybe even check references
Driver Policies – Seat Belts, Drivers Background, Check your insurance,
What are some of our activities that involve risks – games? (fuzzy bunny loves marshmellows) overnight activities, places where there are no physical boundaries? – mall for a scavenger hunt Swimming? Camping?
What’s our health care plan? Do we have a first aid kit? Do we carry one with us when we travel? Who can treat? Do we have medical forms for each youth? Do we have medication forms if we are administering treatment?
What’s our emergency plan for tornadoes, fires? When do I call 911?
You need a simplified plan in place preferably written but sometimes can be in your head. Make sure everyone knows the plan involved
Know where your kids are at all times – bathroom, going home – hand off to a parent or guardian –
If something happens – write everything down. Chronologically, actions taken, follow up, phones, names and addresses of participants and witnesses.
Communicate clearly with everyone what happened – so there is no opportunity for gossip – ex. Serious flu at Affirm – we sent a letter to parents, explaining situation ,symptoms, etc. Not one person called us.
It’s too much to discuss tonight, but another conversation you might want to have is how to recognize abuse – physical, emotional, and sexual
Another conversation to have with each other – is a covenant amongst yourselves. For example, I’ll be on time, I’ll be prepared, I will participate fully , etc.
Written Policy – This is a good book to use to help guide your conversation. There is also a video that comes with it. You might consider a smaller task force to work on your St. John’s Policy. Check with your insurance company on their requirements – (age of adults, driving history, background checks, etc)
Permission Forms and Liability
Health Forms – ask parents often are they current
Questions – There is so much to cover – But we’ve gotten a good start here.
Closing Prayer –
Gracious and Merciful God, you have brought us together to share your love with the children and youth in our congregation. Open our hearts and minds in this moment and prepare us to receive your message. Show us your will and fill us with overflowing courage enough to preserve our church as a safe and holy place where our children and youth may grow in faith and in the knowledge of your presence in their lives! Amen
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