RADIO
HOW TO HAVE A PERFECT MARRIAGE. SERIES 2 Ep 4
SCENE 1
A MEMORY OF MACCHU PICHU
KAREN(CLOSE) The final camp on the Inca trail is about two hours walk from Machu Picchu. Stone baths fed from mountain springs. Several layers of terracing. It’s as if you’re being invited to cleanse yourself before the final push. Purify.
We pitched out tent, hardly slept, rose before dawn and walked the last part in torchlight.
Suddenly there’s a stone entrance from where you get your first sight of the citadel itself – Machu Picchu – shrouded in clouds and green forests and reaching up to touch heaven itself…
You can hardly believe it.
FADE KAREN’S HIGH HEELS CLICKING.
(SPANISH) How can this be real? How can this be happening?
CLICK CLICK CLICK.
It is happening. He wants me. Howard really wants me. All through that dinner I just felt his eyes devouring, impatient, blazing with something I hadn’t felt for… for oh so long, for an age.
Desire.
Yes, it’s been a week – a whole week - and I’ve already been back for more. What do they call it? The walk of shame? No way! This isn’t the walk of shame, this is the walk of… of shamelessness, the walk of pride …the brazen walk of What Do I Care?!
He leant over, said, let’s skip dessert and go back to mine…
Happening. It happened. He said, get undressed and I said, you first and he did, stood naked in front of me. And I just looked. Let me show how much I wanted him, just let me be that person I’d hid away, that person I thought was dead and locked away and gone forever.
Desire like a tinderbox. One spark and…
Happening. It happened. It happens!
Then I was naked too. Stretch marks and caesarean scar and what the hell! I didn’t care. I felt glorious. In a moment all fear banished, what had I been so scared of? The first man to see me naked like this since Jack and it felt so good. And then he reached out…
FADE UP CLATTER OF BREAKFAST TIME
(SPANISH/RISING) Yes, it’s real. It’s real and real and REAL!
SNAP CUT AND INTO
SCENE 2
KITCHEN. BREAKFAST. BUSY.
JACK PUSHING THE SHEETS INTO THE WASHING MACHINE.
ELLAThe sheets again?
JACKBruno’s moulting –
ELLAWhy are you letting him sleep on your bed, Dad? Mum said Bruno had to stay downstairs all night. You said!
KARENI know…
ELLA‘Cos he’s hairy and smelly and old..
NAOMIAnd farts. Totes gross.
JACKSeems your mother changed her mind. (PROVOCATIVE) But that’s women for you!
ALL(MOCK OUTRAGE) Oh sexist!/Sexist!/That’s so sexist!
JACKGuilty as charged!
NAOMI AND ELLA LAUGH.
So whilst I apologise for my gender you guys can get out and take over the world.
ELLAOn it!
NAOMISorted!
JACKSchool!
NAOMI AND ELLA CHARGE OUT TO GRAB COATS, BAGS, OYSTER CARDS. JACK TURNS TO
SET THE WASHER.
JACKI signed Ella’s consent form for the trip to that Spanish language play. Hasta La vista Baby…
KAREN’S MOBILE GOES – A TEXT FROM HOWARD. WASHER KICKS IN.
Did you read Naomi’s course work on the Just War? She so nailed it. Proportionality, everything. We have some bright kids.
KAREN DISTRACTED, READING, SMILING…
Karen? Karen, did you even hear what I said?
Howard, is it? Howard the Horny.
KARENWhat did you say?
JACKMust be. The man is sex texting away..
KARENYou don’t what he’s saying, Jack.
JACKI can guess.
KARENOh yes? What’s he saying then, Jack, tell me? What did he say just now?
JACKKaren –
KARENLook at you. This is really eating you up!
ELLA AND NAOMI IN.
ELLAWhere’s the trip thing?
JACKThe table.
ELLA GRABS IT. THEY BOTH SENSE AN ATMOSPHERE.
NAOMISuper awkward.
ELLA(SPANISH) Let’s go!
NAOMIYeah. Bye losers….
AND THEY ARE OUT – UPSET. JACK GOES OUT AFTER THEM.
JACKNaomi….Ella?
THE FRONT DOOR SLAMS.
CLOSE - ANOTHER TEXT FROM HOWARD.
KAREN(LOW) Oh you bad bad boy….
JACK IN. MAKING HIMSELF BUSY.
KARENI must go. I have a client at nine thirty.
CRASH! FROM THE SINK.
A client, Jack, okay? Not a…a..What do you guys call it? A hook up?
JACK(ANGRY) At least when I’m here, I’m really here!
KAREN(ANGRIER) Yeah? And where was I, when you were here? I’ll tell you! I was always here too! And where was I went you weren’t here, three days a week for the past six months? Where was I, Jack? Doing homework and learning Spanish and making Ella do her piano practice? Morning noon and night?
JACKAlright –
KARENHERE! I was always – always! – here.
JACKAlright!
KARENNo, it’s not alright. It’s never been alright!
KAREN IS SUDDENLY BESIDE HERSELF – ON THE EDGE.
My turn, Jack. MY TURN! Don’t you dare say a word! Judge me! What I’ve been through, put up with from you.
(SHOUTS) IT’S MY TURN NOW!
BRUNO, DISTURBED, BARKS. JACK GOES TO SOOTHE.
JACKSsh…
KARENI’m going to be late.
JACKIs it serious?
KAREN(RELENTING) Jack, I’ve seen Howard twice…
JACKBut you’ll see him again.
KARENYes.
JACKSo he’s keen?
KAREN…Very.
JACKEven given our… unusual domestic situation.
KARENHe’s totally relaxed about that.
JACKWill I meet him?
KARENI don’t know.
JACKEventually?
KARENHaven’t thought that far. It’s only been a week.
JACKHow far have you thought, Kay?
KARENI follow your example.
JACKI don’t believe you.
KAREN(QUICK) Is this about the money, Jack? Buying into the lease?
JACKWhat?
KARENDeadline’s looming. We have to make a decision.
JACKNo - I do.
KARENLast time I looked we were still married, Jack. You still have that ring on your finger. What happened to those promises we made way back about always taking big financial decisions together?
JACKThat was then –
KARENSo this is your money now? Your little pot of gold?
JACKKay -
KARENListen. I intend to take my career to the next level, just like you do with those books. Everyone at the Yoga Centre thinks I’m a tree hugger but I’ve got plans for that place. Big plans. And I want that chance, after the work I’ve put in. I deserve that chance.
So our Deal’s on the table, Jack. You want to review?
SNAP CUT AND INTO
SCENE 3
THE PARK. BEN AND JACK WALKING DOGS.
BENThose were her words?
JACKYes.
BENNice move.
JACKHow?
BENShe’s playing you.
JACKPlaying?
BENSorry. Too many American box sets…
JACKThis isn’t House of Cards, Ben –
BENYou totally underestimated her. I did too….
JACK(CALLS) Bruno…Bruno!
BENYou thought it was just a…an idle fling with this –
JACKHoward.
BENWhen she was already thinking strategy…
JACKWhat? More than a revenge shag?
BEN(SNAPS) And that’s exactly the reason why she’s playing you, you arrogant fool! Not everything is about you!
You are so so lucky, Jack. You’ve always had people who wanted you, loved you. You’ve never sat at home, rejected, discarded – feeling as ugly as sin, probably never once in your life. You are so lucky and you don’t even realise it. Your good lucks – your casual charm – it’s careless, Jack. It’s careless and arrogant and sometimes it’s cruel too. That’s the worst. It’s vicious and cruel.
SILENCE. JACK IS REALLY SLAPPED DOWN.
Stephen and I had a massive set to. Horrible. He opened one of the letters from my Consultant, demanded to know the truth.
JACKYour health?
BENTruth is, I’m a ticking bomb. I’m on Warfarin for the stroke. Now they suspect something worse. They want to do a biopsy.
JACKBiopsy for what?
BENWhat do you think? Definitive evidence of the gay gene?
JACKAnd you didn’t tell Stephen any of this?
BENSelected highlights. I tried.
JACKHe’s your partner, Ben. You’ve been together for five years.
BENFive and a half.
JACKWhich in Gay years is like forever!
BENYes, five years of being fit and healthy and toned…and alive…and always ready to go on the next adventure, always ready to scope the next hottie down the gym, at a sauna, in the back room of some glorious den of iniquity.
JACKIt doesn’t have to be like that.
BENNo?
JACKBehaving like a dog on heat - no!
BENOh I see, like Tom and you?
JACKBen -
BEN- You and Tom…
JACKDon’t –
BENThe poster boys for monogamy!
JACKDon’t patronise!
BENYou fool, I’m not patronising you, can’t you see, I envy you! It’s envy.
Being together is supposed to be a partnership, not a competition. It’s supposed to feel easy. When I look at you and Tom, that’s what I see. But Stephen and myself… why does it sometimes feel like a competition?
JACKBecause you’re greedy and possessive and want what’s yours. And Stephen wants it to.
And I envy that.
BENJack, is something the matter?
JACKI sometimes think I make unreasonable demands on Tom, Ben. Only trouble is, he’s not making them back.
BEN’S PHONE GOES.
BENAh.
JACKStephen?
BENNo, it’s your wife, Jack. I think she wants to talk strategy.
SNAP CUT AND INTO
SCENE 4
CAFÉ.
BEN HAS JUST FINISHED GOING OVER KAREN’S PROPOSAL. HE SITS BACK, IMPRESSED.
KARENWhat do you think?
BENIt’s good. A well-argued business plan built on some entirely feasible financial projections.
KARENYou’d greenlight it?
BENWhat? Wall to wall Yummy Mummies in Lycra , with bulges in all the wrong places –
KARENBen –
BENYour boss should take it seriously.
KARENPlus I have the money.
BENSo Jack is going to invest is he, from the advance?
KARENHe will.
BENAnd you’re perfectly willing to give up this Howard if he does?
KARENHe talked to you?
BENHe can’t understand how you could trade one for the other. He’s a hopeless romantic.
KARENAnd I’m a survivor. I’ve learnt that much.
I presume Jack –
BENGot a little territorial. The last vestiges of his hetero ego. I soon knocked it out of him. What’s sauce for the goose –
KARENLook, it’s just a thing.
BENIs it? You’ve been the keeper of the flame, Karen. The guardian angel and last man standing. You supported Jack throughout this crisis with no promise of anything except more tears before bedtime, quite literally.
KARENI’ll tell you something. When Jack’s away, I can still wake up crying.
BENOh Hon –
KARENSix months and the grief goes on.
BENIt never ends. You just try and make your peace with it, distract yourself.
KARENHoward?
BENWell look at you. You’re glowing, darling. Burnished.
KARENI have someone who thinks I’m special, Ben. All day long. It’s wonderful.
BENIt is.
KARENAnd that’s all I want. It’s all I’ve ever wanted. Being held in mind.
BENI’m glad you have a lover. It levels things out.
KARENDoes it?
BENYou deserve to be happy, Karen.
KARENBut I was happy, Ben. I was perfectly happy.
THIS SETTLES.
Remember when you first met Jack?
BENI do. Walked into my study, hair in three different directions. A terribly lazy essay on statistics but I hardly noticed. I couldn’t take my eyes off him.
KARENHa! We never swapped notes before.
BENI couldn’t. It’s too painful.
KARENBen?
BENBecause you won his heart, Karen. I lost the race. And I think ever since then I’ve been trying to catch up.
KAREN’S MOBILE RINGS.
KARENIt’s the school –
BENGo on. Answer it. We’re done.
SNAP CUT AND INTO
SCENE 5
THE FRONT DOOR FLIES OPEN. NAOMI AND ELLA PILE IN, FOLLOWED BY JACK AND
KAREN. EVERYTHING AT A HECTIC PACE, TALKING AT ONCE, HIGHLY EMOTIONAL.
JACKDon’t just disappear…
ELLAI’m going to my room…
KARENDarling –
JACKYou can’t, we have to talk about this –
NAOMILet her go –
JACKElla, please –
ELLANo, Dad –
NAOMIEls –
JACKCome on, Sweetpea –
KARENJack –
JACKStay here and TALK!
ELLANo because it’s all your fault! What you did! This is all because of YOU!
ELLA STAMPS UP THE REST OF THE STAIRS, CHARGES TO HER BEDROOM AND
SLAMS THE DOOR.
SILENCE.
JACKI’ll go.
KARENNo…
JACKYou heard what she said. I’ve got to sort this.
KARENLeave her –
NAOMIMum’s right. You’ll just make it worse. (SUDDENLY ON THE BRINK OF TEARS) You always make it worse!
NAOMI STARTS UP THE STAIRS.
JACKKaren?
KARENWait here, Jack. Please just calm yourself and wait down here.
KAREN FOLLOWS NAOMI UP THE STAIRS, HER VOICE FADING.
Darling, come with me…into our bedroom….
JACK ALONE – ANGUISHED – TRYING TO CALM. HIS PHONE GOES. IT’S BEN
BEN(PHONE) You okay?
JACK(INTO PHONE) I thought you were Tom..
BEN(PHONE) I was there when the school rang.
JACK (INTO PHONE) Naomi attacked this girl. She was bullying Ella.
BEN(PHONE) About you and Tom?
JACK(ON PHONE) It’s been going on for weeks, apparently. Naomi snapped and now this little… well, she’s in A and E right now, being stitched up.
BEN(PHONE) And Naomi?
JACK(INTO PHONE) Immediate suspension. She could be expelled…
KAREN AT TOP OF STAIRS.
KARENJack…!
BEN(ON PHONE) Go be with your family. They need you.
GO WITH JACK UP THE STAIRS AND INTO THE BEDROOM. NAOMI SITTING ON THE BED,
SOBBING.
KARENTell Daddy what you just told me.
NAOMIMum…
KARENPlease…
NAOMI(THROUGH SOBS) It wasn’t because you’re gay, Dad. That’s what you think, yes? That Ella was bullied because you’re gay –
JACKDarling –
NAOMIYou know it’s cool, right? Gay Dads are way cool! It’s because of Mum. They all said Mum was useless and ugly and must be really really crap in bed because that’s why you’re gay.
JACKWhat?
NAOMIShe made you gay! She did!
JACKWhy didn’t you tell us?
NAOMI(ANGER BURSTS) Because even if I had you don’t care about us, do you. You’re so into Tom all the time and Mum’s so sad and Els and I don’t know what’s going to happen, you going to split up, get a divorce? I mean do you even really care at all?
NAOMI CHARGES OUT OF THE BEDROOM, SLAMS THE DOOR SHUT.
A STUNNED SILENCE.
THEN KAREN’S PHONE GOES – A TEXT FROM HOWARD.
JACK ERUPTS, MOVES AND GRABS THE PHONE…
JACKNo, you don’t…. No, you bloody don’t!
…AND HURLS IT ACROSS THE ROOM AGAINST THE WALL.
END OF EPISODE