Janice, a post-abortive woman writes:
I know I made the decision for a reason, and I know that my life will continue to be “convenient” for the next few years as I prepare for motherhood properly.I also know that a baby is too important a thing to happen by accident.
But all this knowledge and understanding and reasoning does nothing to heal the raw wound of death that I have chosen to inflict upon myself.And that is the worst part of all of this: the fact that I chose to kill my own child.How do you ever forgive yourself for something like that?What kind of mother could I be if I could do something like that to a life that I helped create?
All the normal fears run through my mind constantly:What if I never get a second chance?What if I have a baby and there is something wrong with it?What if I never feel life again?
Will I ever forget the devastation on the faces of the women who went through abortions on the same day that I did?Their voices and their eyes and their stories live with me like ghosts.The very word “pregnancy” fills me with intense pain, and I don’t know how to escape this jail of madness I am locked in.I am just dead, dead, dead inside!
A father writes:
My girlfriend had an abortion in 1986.She told me afterward she overheard the nurse tell the doctor, “It was a little girl.”I am now in my early 40s, looking at the young adults who would be my daughter’s age, possibly her friends.I am horrified when I remember what I have done, and I am horrified when I remember that I’ve forgotten her for a day, or a week, or more.I have confessed this to a priest, etc., but at the end of the day, I will have to face that little girl, whom I couldn’t be bothered to love enough to let her have a life she was entitled to and I had no right to interfere with.I can’t imagine what I’ll say.Sorry somehow doesn’t seem enough for the crime.And, no, I have never had another opportunity for a child, not that another child would make up for what I’ve done.I suppose whatever happens to me, I’ll deserve.
Stories like theseare repeated year after year.
The Statistics of Abortion
- 22 percent of all pregnancies end in abortion.
- 1.2 million abortions are performed every year.
- 1/3 of all American women will have an abortion by the time they reach 45.
- 70 percent of women who have abortions identify themselves as Christian.
- 47 million abortions have been performed since 1973.
In order to understand post-abortion grief you first have to understand abortion.
- Abortion is a traumatic event.
- Abortion takes the life of an innocent human being.
- Abortion changes the role of the mother from a child nurturer to a child destroyer.
- Abortion goes against the very fiber of womanhood—it is an unnatural choice.
- Abortion changes how a woman looks at herself, her relationships, and the world.
- Abortion does not make a woman unpregnant, but the mother of a dead child.
- Abortion is a major death experience that needs to be grieved.In abortion, a child dies, but there is no wake or funeral.
Theresa Burke, in her book Forbidden Grief, states:
“As a society, we don’t understand abortion.We debate it.We pass laws about it.We argue about it as a moral and political issue.But we don’t understand it as a life-changing experience.In that latter regard, grief after an abortion is neither expected nor permitted in our society.”
So where does the grief go?
Witness of the Crosses (statements placed on two crosses):
“David & Michael, I Love you, Mommy, I am Sorry, God Bless You”
“To My Sons, you are not forgotten. I’ll see you in Heaven.”
Letter in the Bottle
Let me tell you a true story.It’s a beautiful fall day.A father and his son are relaxing, fishing in a DuPage County, Illinois, forest preserve.The son slowly reels in his line waiting for a fish to take his bait.All at once his bobber goes down and he shouts to his father, “I’ve got one.”“Reel it in slowly,” the father replies.The son continues to bring his fishing line in and much to his amazement—it’s not a fish, but a plastic bag.The father and son open the bag and inside is a bottle.But more than that—a bottle with a letter in it. Excitedly, the father and son open the bottle and read this letter.
Dear Baby Edgar,
I fell in love with your father the absolute second I saw him.He was the most beautiful man I had ever seen.He helped me get through so many insecurities.That only made me love him more.I’m telling you this first because I want you to know that we loved each other. (Or rather, I loved him.)It didn’t matter to me that he already had two kids—your half brother and half sister or that he was married to someone else because I loved him so much and if I had it to do all over again the only thing I’d change would be the abortion.I wanted to have you the second I found out I was pregnant.It was your father that made me change my mind.He didn’t want to leave his wife for anything.He kept claiming that he didn’t love her and that he really loved us.He could never tell me what I should do with you.When I saw how much pain he was in because he had to tell his wife about you, I felt like I was dying inside.I knew that I had to give you up through abortion because I couldn’t hurt the one I loved so much.I regret it because he’s the one who so thoughtlessly hurts me now.I’m seeing a therapist now, Baby Edgar, to learn to forgive myself for what I so needlessly did to you.I had the abortion so Daddy could tell his wife and leave her with some dignity instead of just saying he had an affair.I wish that you were still in me—you’d be 5½ months old by now.I’d be getting ready to have you.I love you, Baby Edgar, and I’ll never forget you for as long as I live.Sorry to say that I don’t think your Daddy cares about us anymore.But I hope someday you and God forgive me enough for what I’ve done and maybe I’ll see you in heaven.
I love you, Edgar,
Mom
When grief is not expressed and thus resolved, it can become internalized and that leads to Post-Abortion Syndrome (PAS).Post abortion syndrome is a post-traumatic stress disorder that is caused by the traumatic act of abortion.PAS is a term used to describe adverse emotional reactions which occur following an abortion.As with other post-traumatic stress disorders, its impact is often denied, its onset often delayed, and its symptoms often triggered by related (or seemingly unrelated events or emotional stimuli) called triggers.
The First Three Things to Understand:
- PAS symptoms can occur anywhere from a few hours to many years after an abortion.There are countless cases of women who have sought counseling more than 20 years after their abortion.
- Not all womenexperience all reactions and not all women have severe reactions.
- Many women are in serious denial of what happened and are seeking counseling for secondary symptoms. You must ask the questions:
- How many pregnancies?
- How many live children?
- Any pregnancy loss?Miscarriage?
- Are you sexually involved?
- If you are fine, how come you’re such a mess?
How Does Abortion Hurt?
- Physical
- Emotional
- Spiritual
Physical—damage to the body created by abortion:
- Heavy or continued bleeding, menstrual disorders
- Severe cramping
- Infection, high fever
- Intense abdominal pain
Risks after an abortion:
- Increased chance of breast cancer
- Scarred uterus
- Cervical trauma, lacerations
- PID, uterine infection
- Tubal pregnancy
- Infertility, miscarriage
- Death—including from cardiac arrest (Grace Kern, in 20 years of counseling, has had three clients die from abortion due to loss of blood, internal bleeding, hemorrhage, or severe internal infection.)
What are “Emotional Triggers”?
These are events that remind one of the abortion and trigger an emotional response. An emotional trigger is an event, person, or stimulus that sets off the emotional reoccurrence of the abortion or its negative aftermath.
Trigger events can include having a baby or knowing someone who is pregnant; medical procedures (e.g. gynecological exams, biopsy, D&C, premature hysterectomy); miscarriage, or death of another’s baby; news programs about abortion; pro-life literature; or even Mother’s Day celebrations. There are also triggers through the five senses:
- Hearing: sound of a vacuum cleaner (which resembles the noise made by the suction machine used in an abortion); babies crying; a woman crying; the word “abortion”; pro-life sermons. (Sermons must always offer forgiveness.)
- Sight: the examination table or medical instruments in a doctor’s office; menstrual bleeding; babies or pregnant women; fetal pictures;hallways; certain colors; filling out forms.
- Smell: a doctor’s office; blood; cologne or perfume worn by doctor or nurse.
- Taste: first food consumed following the abortion.
- Touch: gynecological exams/procedures; intercourse; being held by the armfirmly.
Fear, guilt, and pain associated with post-abortion syndrome can be denied or pushed down, but not indefinitely.They will “leak out” eventually through secondary symptoms, and often this occurs as a response to an emotional trigger.
Women do not associate the trigger events with the abortion.
Emotional—psychological damage caused by abortion:
- Guilt—cannot forgive self
- Regret, remorse
- Nightmares, fetal fantasies
- Anger, rageat herself, God, parents, boyfriend
- Lower self esteem
- Crying, depression
- Preoccupation with pregnancy issues and babies
- Frigidity, hostility toward men, promiscuity
- Despair, helplessness
- Sleep disorders
- Anniversary reactions
- Suicidal tendencies
- Repeated abortions
- Secondary dependence on alcohol or drugs
Spiritual—Damage to woman’s relationship to God caused by abortion:
(This is very common—these women are in your pews.)
- I have committed the unforgivable sin.
- I should not be involved in church.
- If people only knew they would think I’m such a hypocrite.
- God will punish me.
- Healing is a spiritual journey through recognition of sin, repentance, and receiving God’s forgiveness.
Abortion and Men
What about men?Men suffer in abortion as well though their participation in the abortion decision is different.They feel guilt because either:
- They abandoned the woman and child.
- They forced the abortion on her.
- They failed to protect their child.They wanted the child, but couldn’t save it.
- They didn’t even know about the pregnancy and subsequent abortion.
Men have an image to uphold, they’re not supposed to show emotion, so they don’t come forward as frequently, although that is starting to change.
They’re overcome with guilt, shame, and fear of exposure.Many suffer depression, anger, anxiety, promiscuity, impotence, lack of trust (especially towards women), and substance abuse. And like women they may not even be aware that their emotions are tied directly to the abortion.They may continue their destructive feelings and behaviors, causing their families and careers to suffer.
The Healing Process: Recognize, Release, and Receive:
Recognize
- She must understand what she feels and that her abortion is the root cause of these symptoms.
- She must understand that her symptoms are related to the abortion.
- She must be aware of the triggers—she must know what they are, that she will be upset, but recognize that it is the abortion that is causing the symptoms.
- She must identify who she blames for wrong actions and why.Who is she angry with?
- She must take full ownership of her actions, thoughts and feelings.She allowed this to happen.
- She must acknowledge who her baby is—a human being who died.Abortion makes her the mother of a dead child.
- She must understand that she will never forget her abortion or the child that died.
Release
- She must confess all unconfessed sin.This includes not only her part in the abortion, but any sinful responses to the resulting anger she has felt.She may feel anger at the abortionist, father of the baby, men in general, parents, friends, or counselors because of their lies, encouragement or actions.They may be angry at God for not stopping the abortion.
- She must forgive, with the help of God, everyone whom she blames—parents, God, boyfriend, husband.
- She must admit that she is angry.Determine the source of the anger.Admit that she has chosen to allow a situation to anger her. Desire to be free from the anger.She mustask God to help her resolve the situation that led to her anger.She must choose to walk away from the anger and not grab it back again.This is accomplished by refusing to keep mulling over in her mind the circumstances which led to becoming angry.It would help to understand that most offenders are blinded themselves by ignorance or fear—that they were not intentionally trying to hurt her when they encouraged her to abort.Many women get stuck at this point.
- She must allow herself to grieve over the loss of her baby.Mourning an aborted baby is very difficult.There are no memories of experiences with the child.The part she played in the death of the child causes guilt.Society does not equate her loss as the death of a baby.There is no support from others through the grieving process.
Receive
- She must start seeing herself as God sees her.(Isaiah 43:25)
- She must receive the assurance that all sin is forgiven.(Ephesians 1:7)
- She must allow her trust in God and His mercy to transcend the sin of abortion.
Faith is essential—she accepts God’s forgiveness in other parts of her life—now she must accept it for this sin as well.She needs to understand that being forgiven by God doesn’t mean there are no painful emotions or memories.She will need to draw on God’s power through Bible study, prayer and biblical principles to change the anger and bitterness into love and peace.
What can your church do?
Understand:
- The many factors that lead women to abortion: pressure from others particularly boyfriend, husband, parent; lack of information—they don’t know what abortion is; lack of support—they don’t see how they can handle it.Many women feel they have no choice.
- What abortion does to people: the human suffering involves suicide, drug and alcohol abuse, promiscuity, abuse of women and children.
- Abortion has been legal for 35 years.Most people view it as a normal and viable option.No one talks about the severe emotional and physical effects of abortion.
Talk about it. There are many people in our churches who are hurting in silence and in need of your help.Encourage your church to talk about how people are seriously hurt by abortion.
- Pastors—preach it.
- Have brochures accessible (Word of Hope and others).
- Conduct a Bible study on the post-abortion issue.
- Create an atmosphere of acceptance, forgiveness, and hope within your congregation.
Be compassionate. Realize that it is easy to stand on principles when you’re not the one faced with the life-altering consequences of a pregnancy.It is easy to say, “I would never have an abortion,” until faced with a pregnancy that creates a crisis situation in your life.
Love them as fellow redeemed sinners.
What can you do personally?
- Plant the seeds of understanding and empathy—watch your language.
- Listen—establishing trust, understanding, responsibility, compassion, and forgiveness.
How to help others:
Post-Abortion Healing Workshop Page 1 of 11
DO
Do listen patiently. They are trying to sort out their feelings. Verbalizing them with someone who will listen helps. Expect and allow them to repeat themselves and to bring the subject up again later. Listen for clues to their deeper feelings to which you can respond later.
Do reassure them that we all make mistakes. Our sins can be forgiven. God in Christ has forgiven us.
Do reassure them that their feelings are normal. Others have experienced the same thing and found healing. Build up a sense of hope that they can be healed and reconciled with God.
Do allow them to vent their anger toward others. Remind them that it is a sign of an even deeper hurt that lies beneath the anger. Encourage them to get in touch with both the anger and the hurt, which they need to do before they can “let go” of their anger and approach forgiveness. Encourage them to see that the people they blame were also confused, scared, or just looking for the fastest way out of a hard situation.
Do allow them to regret their choice. Remind them that we all learn from our mistakes. Women and men who have found healing after an abortion often become more humble, compassionate, and sensitive. Even a negative experience can be used to help others.