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ROBIN AND WENDY SERIES 3
EPISODE ONE - ALKA SALSA
SCENE 1
KITCHEN
DEREK IS FLICKING THROUGH A NEWSPAPER. HE IS VERY HYPER AND AGITATED
DEREK
Ah that is funny, look at this Wendy…
WENDY
Mm.
DEREK
Robin, Robin look at this,
ROBIN
Just a minute Derek….I’m downloading something..
DEREK
No but look..Wendy..
WENDY
Hang on Derek let me just finish reading this…
DEREK
You’ve got to see it, it’ll make you die…Robin quick
ROBIN
No because I‘ve nearly got it….
DEREK
There look….look!
ROBIN
Oh Ok Derek what!
FX PAPER NOISE
PAUSE
Isn’t that fantastic..
ROBIN
What is it?
DEREK
It’s a budgie that looks like a feather duster!
ROBIN
Derek that’s grotesque!
DEREK
No, no it’s funny, look… you can just see his little beak….
ROBIN
It’s a mutation Derek, a freak of nature, the poor thing should be put out of it’s misery not paraded for the benefit of the idiots who read the..
WENDY
Daily Mail
ROBIN
Oh yes, now I look at it is quite interesting…
ANGRY
Oh no, now I’ve lost the connection… just as it finished downloading…
WENDY
Did you save it?
ROBIN
No! I was admiring the latest in ornathological kitchen utensils!
DEREK
I’ll help you, let me help you, I’ll get it..what is it
ROBIN
It’s a Model Village website Derek, I’m doing a bit of research before we set up ours….this one in Clacton was quite good, it’s got it’s own Doom’s Day Book!
DEREK
Well I can help you, let me help..
ROBIN
No Derek, stop it get off the mouse…
WENDY
Come and help me Derek, I’m going through some holiday brochures..
ROBIN
Which is a complete waste of time as we will be going to Dorset, as usual.
WENDY
I want to do something more exciting Robin.
DEREK
Yeah, you want a bit of a change don’t you Wendy eh? Or a break before the summer eh how about that, do you good a break, little mini break do you good…like this one look check out the Romantic Geysers in Iceland
WENDY
Oh a break’s a good idea. You’re very…energetic this morning, Derek. Are you on some new medicine..
DEREK
I am Wendy, it’s, medium strength, strong roasted and 100% organic.
WENDY
Oh that’s nice..did they prescribe it to you at the clinic.
DEREK
No, I prescribed it to myself. I bought a cappuccino machine!
WENDY
Oh how lovely.
DEREK
Yep Instant coffee is dishwater Wendy, I mean look at this…
HE SLURPS
Aah disgusting!
ROBIN
Oi Derek that’s mine!
DEREK
It’s weak, it’s tasteless, and it’s got virtually no coffee flavour whatsoever.
ROBIN
That’s because it’s tea!
DEREK
You see, you can’t even tell the difference.
ROBIN
Oh Wendy he’s slurped all over my cup.
WENDY
I’ll get you another..
FX DOOR
MAUREEN
Ding dong Wendy…have you got Derek..oh there you are?
DEREK
Hello love look at this, look, this is funny look.
FX PAPER NOISE
MAUREEN
Mm looks like one of my underwear girls hair…only slightly better cut. Your mum’s on the phone.
DEREK
Oh mum me lovely old mum, just got to talk to me mum Wendy see you later Robin. I’m coming mum….mother of mine mother of mine…
DEREK EXITS
MAUREEN
I know I know, I’m on top of it Wendy, I’ve bought him some decaffeinated. Honestly I’ve never known anyone with such a sensitive system, I think Derek could get high licking a stamp. How are you anyway, busy?
WENDY
CAUTIOUSLY
Not too busy why?
MAUREEN
I want you to look up some salsa classes for me on the internet.
ROBIN
Wendy is not allowed the use the internet.
MAUREEN
Why not in case she clicks with a man in a chatroom.
ROBIN
No in case she clicks on the delete button, changes the settings and makes the computer go completely random…..
WENDY
That happened to Robin.
ROBIN
It can happen to anyone thank you….it’s just more likely to happen to women because they’re not technically proficient.
MAUREEN
Oh come on Robin this is an emergency, I’ve got to learn to salsa by next Thursday.
ROBIN
Why?
MAUREEN
Because I start teaching it next Friday!
CUT
SCENE 2
KITCHEN
FX CLICKING COMPUTER KEYS
ROBIN
Atomic Salsa Week-end? Why do they call it atomic?
MAUREEN
Makes it sound more fun.
ROBIN
I doubt the survivors of Hiroshima would agree Maureen.
MAUREEN
I don’t think the surviviors of Hiroshima are their target audience Robin.
ROBIN
Who on earth is? Why would anyone go on a salsa week-end!
WENDY
It says it’s an intensive course, saves you wasting months going to classes.
ROBIN
But it’s not an English thing! Now Morris dancing I can understand.
MAUREEN
Salsa’s very popular, I put one ad in the local paper for classes and I’ve been inundated, if only I can learn to do it, I’ll be raking it in.
ROBIN
Isn’t there a law against offering classes in something you’re not qualified in Maureen?
MAUREEN
I think there is Robin, impersonating a qualified dance instructor. It carries a very heavy sentence.
WENDY
Maureen is a qualified dance instructor anyway,, just not in salsa.
MAUREEN
Exactly, ….and how hard can it be?
WENDY
I’m sure you’ll be good Maureen, you’ve got the legs for it..I just hope I can keep up
ROBIN
Why do you need to keep up.
MAUREEN
Wendy’s coming on the course so she can help me out with the beginners, you need a couple of women who know what they’re doing to sort out the men.
WENDY
I’m looking forward to it. And I wanted a bit of a break so it’ll kill two feather dusters with one stone!
ROBIN
Wendy you cannot go dancing with strange men on radioactive week-ends I forbid it.
MAUREEN
Atomic Robin, then you’d better come too hadn’t you.
ROBIN
There is nothing on this earth Maureen that could drag me to the… Atomic Salsa week-end in….where is it again?
MAUREEN
Clacton.
ROBIN
Clacton? Did you say Clacton?
CUT
SCENE 3
CAR
DEREK
Lets play a game, shall we? a game? Oh yes let me think what shall we play? eh Wendy? what games do you know Robin?, Robin can you think of a game? What about you Wendy? a game let me think? what about……twenty questions?
MAUREEN
I think you’ve just done that..
DEREK
A game a game now what games did we used to play with the boys…gotta be a game in there somewhere..oh look a vintage car toot Robin, it’s not often you see another vintage car..
ROBIN
The Herald is not vintage Derek it’s classic, it’s only thirty years old.
MAUREEN
It only does thirty miles an hour.
ROBIN
You didn’t have to come with us Maureen, just because Derek’s lost his licence and you’ve been banned. You could have got the train.
MAUREEN
Point taken, we’re very grateful.
DEREK
There’s another one toot!
HE TOOTS
ROBIN
Derek! The accepted etiquette is to rise the hand graciously in salute, only idiots toot!
MAUREEN
How many Cappucinos have you had today Derek?
DEREK
I dunno..one..maybe two..
MAUREEN
How many?
DEREK
Five.
MAUREEN
Five! I told you no more than one! Did you use the decaffeinated?
DEREK
No, you don’t want that do you in the mornings do you Robin, decaffinated… you want to wake up, you know, wake up and go Hello world I’m alive and it’s good, I’m alive and the worlds alright, and alls right with the world,…. well not everything obviously there’s war and suffering, disease, traffic jams make-over shows….honk at them Robin see if you can gee them up a bit….
MAUREEN
Derek!
DEREK
…and you can’t do that on decaffeinated can you eh Wendy..Wendy
MAUREEN
Wendy’s asleep Derek.
WENDY
I’m not Maureen just resting my eyes.
DEREK
It’s like having a shower with your underpants on though isn’t it, like having a foot massage in your socks, like entering the tour de France on a penny farthing..
MAUREEN
Derek! One cup. I said one cup with caffiene in it and that’s it, it’s not good for you it makes you too hyper.
DEREK
I’m not hyper Maureen honestly….ooh look a digger, no I just want to play a game that’s all I’m bored, car journeys are boring aren’t they lets play a game. Eh Robin you like that would you a game?
ROBIN
Derek I’m driving! I’ve got to put up with idiots outside the car, you inside, I can’t think of anything worse than having to play a game!
TURNING ON RADIO
DEREK
Ok let’s have some music
ITS DARKNESS
DEREK
I believe in a thing called love, let’s hear it for the rhythym of your heart!
ROBIN
Ok I was wrong, that is worse! Derek will you stop it!
WENDY
Do you think that cappuccino machine was a good idea Maureen?
MAUREEN
It’s just a craze Wendy, he’ll get over it.
WENDY
Yes but will Robin
DEREK
TURNING MUSIC UP AGAIN
A thing called love…..oo, oo,oo oooo!
CUT
SCENE 4
EXT HOLIDAY CAMP
WENDY AND MAUREEN ARE WALKING TO THEIR CHALET
WENDY
Oh I’ve never been to a holiday camp before, the security’s very good isn’t it….
MAUREEN
Yes, do you think the razor wires to keep the undesirables out or the holiday makers in.
WENDY
Oh it’s not that bad Maureen I expect it’s quite fun when it’s not pouring..
MAUREEN
Right, five thousand three hundred and ten..this is us.
FX KEY NOISE
WENDY
Oh it’s lovely, they’ve come on a bit since Hi di Hi haven’t they…look fitted kitchen, microwave, feezer…even a food processor..
FX DOOR
BARBARA
That’s mine actually, I can’t do these week-ends without a power smoothie.
MAUREEN
Er…sorry I think there’s been a mistake..this is our chalet 5310.
BARBARA
That’s right the ladies chalet, there’ll be six of us.
WENDY
You mean we’ll be sharing a room with strangers!
BARBARA
If you’re lucky darling but don’t count your chickens the competition can get quite hot if you know what I mean! I’m BARBARA by the way.
MAUREEN
I’m Maureen this is Wendy, right let’s unpack, the beginners class starts in twenty minutes.
WENDY
Do you do beginners BARBARA?
BARBARA
Only if they’re very cute. Normally I don’t get out of bed for less than a guest instructor.
WENDY
Oh..
BARBARA
I don’t do classes, I’m here for the club.
WENDY
Club?…
BARBARA
Yeah so if you don’t mind I’ll lie down with my feet in an icepack for a couple of hours…it’s going to be a long night.
FX DOOR CLOSES
SCENE 5
EXT CHALET
FX DOOR
ROBIN
Ok, here’s the rest of the luggage I’m utterly shattered. Where’s our chalet Wends I can’t wait for a lie down.
WENDY
You’re in the other chalet, with Derek!
ROBIN
What? No Wendy, Why? I already feel like I’ve driven from Lands End to John O Groats with a hyperactive chimpanzee!
WENDY
That’s all Maureen could get, we’re in the communal chalets. Now hurry up, it’s time for our class.
ROBIN
Wendy I told you I have only come on this week-end so I can visit Chiddeock Falls model village.
WENDY
You can’t do that for the whole week-end!
ROBIN
Of course not! Tomorrow I’m visiting a model train museum in Southend.
WENDY
Oh Robin, at least do a couple of classes or you won’t be able to join in at the club!
ROBIN
Club! are you insane! You know how I feel about clubs! They’ve got the three things that I detest more than anything in the world alcohol, music and people.
WENDY
But I won’t have a partner…
ROBIN
Wendy, you and Maureen are supposed to be here for a bona fide learning experience. If you’re going to get the best out of it you won’t be up all night at a club, you’ll be going to bed early!
WENDY
DISAPPOINTED
Yes, I suppose you’re right..
SCENE 6
FX CAPUCCINO MACHINE
FX DOOR
ROBIN
What are you doing, oh no Derek you haven’t brought that thing with you!
DEREK
Sh, Robin don’t tell Maureen. Here, I’ve made you a little expresso.
ROBIN
No thanks I don’t drink coffee..
DEREK
Go on this is good stuff, give you a real buzz..
ROBIN
No thanks I don’t like the way it makes me feel, I go all panicky..
DEREK
You must have had some bad stuff mate, this is the business, this is A grade 100% pure Columbian. Maureen doesn’t know I’ve got it look, if she comes in,
FX COFFEE JAR
Decaff.
But in here…
BAG CRACKLING
The real Macoy.
FX CAPUCCINO MACHINE
ROBIN
No Derek don’t drink anymore….Derek!
DEREK
Ok bring on the dancing girls I’m rrrrrrready to rock!
SCENE 7
BALLROOM
MAUREEN
Hi are you Pablo?
PABLO
Yes ladies, unless you’re the taxman or my ex-wife…
MAUREEN
We’re here for beginners..
PABLO
Ok no problemo, I’m not having you yet, but then the weekends young!… only joking ladies, you’re starting off with SEBASTIAN, in the environment of the ballroom, but I’ll have the pleasure of you gorgeous twosome later in the captains lounge for top club tips and salserro secrets.
MAUREEN
Ok thanks.
THEY WALK AWAY
WENDY
Oh Maureen, do you think the names real…..