The Sexual Crucible and Imago Relationship Therapy
Two Approaches to Marital Counseling
Elaine Cook
November 8, 2001
In this paper, I'll present the theory, goals and techniques of Harville Hendrix' Imago Relationship Therapy, and David Schnarch's Sexual Crucible Approach. I'll then discuss their similarities and differences.
Imago Relationship Therapy
Hendrix created Imago Relationship Therapy after finding that his training as a psychotherapist had not adequately prepared him to help married couples, or to save his own first marriage. He researched professional literature and worked with thousands of couples, and gradually developed this theory, using an eclectic approach. He "brought together depth psychology, the behavioral sciences, the Western spiritual tradition, and added some elements of Transactional Analysis, Gestalt psychology, systems theory, and cognitive therapy." He believes that it was only when these theories "were all brought together in a new synthesis that they illuminated the mystery of love relationships." (Hendrix, 1990, p. xvi)
His underlying theory is that we unconsciously look for a partner who embodies both the positive and negative traits of our primary caretakers. As a background for explaining this, he discusses brain structure. He uses the term "old brain" to refer to both the brain stem (or reptilian brain) and the limbic (or mammalian brain) system. The reptilian brain oversees self-preservation, reproduction, reflexes, and various vital functions, and is the source of physical action. The function of the limbic system seems to be the generation of vivid emotions. The new brain is the cerebral cortex, the site of most of our cognitive functions (Hendrix, 1990, p. 9-10) The old brain is mostly concerned with keeping us safe. It uses stored memories to determine our basic reaction to someone, such as whether to attack, feel, nurture or have sex. The old brain stores memories of our childhood caretakers, and looks for someone with those traits "out of a compelling need to heal old childhood wounds." He suggests that the ultimate reason you fell in love was because "your old brain had your partner confused with your parents!" (Hendrix, 1990, p. 14) Hendrix says that it is inevitable that parents cannot meet all the needs of their children, and therefore create childhood wounds. The purpose of marriage is to heal those wounds.
As a child grows, experiences with family and society cause a split in the child's original wholeness into 3 separate entities:
1. Your "lost self," those parts of your being that you had to repress because of the demands of society.
2. Your "false self," the facade that you erected in order to fill the void created by this repression and by a lack of adequate nurturing
3. Your "disowned self," the negative parts of your false self that met with disapproval and were therefore denied.
(Hendrix, 1990, p. 32)
Hendrix uses the term imago to refer to the unconscious image of the opposite sex you have been forming since birth, which includes the traits of your caretakers and compensates for the repressed parts of yourself (Hendrix, 1990, p. 38) It is the image of "the person who can make me whole again." (Hendrix, 1993B, p. 13) You are romantically attracted to someone who matches your imago.
He claims that romantic love is intended to blind you to the negative traits of your partner. Some time after it has accomplished its purpose, you start noticing your partner's faults, and move into the power struggle phase of your relationship. (Hendrix, 1993A) As the illusion of romantic love disappears, spouses begin to:
1. Stir up each other's repressed behaviors and feelings.
2. Reinjure each other's childhoods wounds.
3. Project their own negative traits onto each other.
(Hendrix, 1990, p. 78)
The way out of the power struggle, and the way to heal the childhood wounds, is the conscious marriage. Conscious marriage involves resolving your projections onto your partner and embracing your own shadow, taking responsibility for yourself, becoming more intention in your interactions, and valuing your partner's desires and needs as much as your own.
The goal of Imago Relationship Therapy is to help couples become conscious in their marriage, to help them learn how to heal their childhood wounds through their relationships, and to help them create safety and passion so that they can create the relationship of their dreams. (Hendrix, 1993A) Dale Bailey expresses it in this way: "The function of Imago Relationship Therapy is to facilitate moments of empathic connection between partners. Rather than help the couple to solve relationship problems, the therapist's task is to help them restore their relationship as a loving connection in which the needs of both partners are met. Problems cannot be solved except in the context of such relationship." (Bailey, 1998)
The major technique for accomplishing this goal is the couples dialogue. This involves the following steps:
· Mirroring, which is a process of repeating back what your partner has said in your own words, and asking whether you have understood it correctly.
· Validation. This involves telling your partner "You make sense because..." and relating what your partner has just said to what you know about his/her past and childhood wounds.
· Empathy, in which you make some guesses about what your partner may have been feeling, check it out, and ask about other feelings.
Once this is complete, the partners can switch, and the receiver (or listener) becomes the sender (or talker). (Hendrix, 1993B p. 78)
Other techniques include closing the exits (agreeing to stop or cut back on activities which are taking energy away from your relationship); setting goals and objectives for your conscious marriage; the container exercise which creates a safe space for expressing rage and being heard; behavior change requests, which are a particular format for requesting changes from your partner. Basically, however, the technique for the therapist is to explain the Imago Relationship theory and to facilitate dialogue between the couple in Couples Dialogue format.
Imago Therapy can be very directive. In his videotape, Hendrix emphasizes many times that you need to follow the directions exactly as described. If you do so, you will learn how to create the relationship of your dreams. (Hendrix, 1993A)
The Sexual Crucible
The Sexual Crucible approach is the "first application of differentiation theory from family therapy (developed by psychiatrist Murray Bowen) to problems of sex and intimacy in marriage." (Schnarch, 1998, p. 45) Differentiation is the cornerstone of this approach. In one of his definitions of differentiation, Schnarch says that it "involves balancing two basic life forces: the drive for individuality and the drive for togetherness.Individualitypropels us to follow our own directives, to be on our own, to create a unique identify.Togethernesspushes us to follow the directives of others, to be part of the group. When these two life forces for individuality and togetherness are expressed in balanced, healthy ways, the result is a meaningful relationship that doesn't deterioriate into emotional fusion." (Schnarch, 1998, p. 55) Clearly this is Bowenian. As Nichols and Schartz state, "Bowenian theory ... has always centered around two counterbalancing life forces:togethernessandindividuality." (Nichols, M. P. and Schwartz, R. C., 2001, p. 140)
Schnarch also defines differentiation as standing up for what you believe in or for what you want. It is integrity. He says it is fundamentally relational. It is not individuation, which is based on separating and getting apart. (Schnarch, 1994A)
Another definition of differentiation is the ability to maintain a clear sense of self in close proximity to a partner. The higher your level of differentiation, the closer you can get to your partner, because you're not afraid of losing yourself. It gives you a solid but permeable self, which allows you to make a decision to be influenced and to change (as opposed to having to change to stay on good terms with your partner). At high levels of differentiation, what your partner wants in his/her life becomes as important to you as what you want. (Bader, 1995)
Intimacy is at the core of a good sexual and marital relationship. However, Schnarch thinks many current therapeutic approaches encourage what he calls other-validated intimacy by working to develop empathy. He doesn't think this works. If you're dependent on empathy from someone else, you're not capable of intimacy. You move from self-disclosure to self-presentation, in which you're careful to present only those parts of yourself which your partner will accept and validate. (Schnarch, 1994A) Schnarch advocates self-validated intimacy, which occurs when you let go of your partner's opinions and move forward, even if your partner is telling you that you'll fall flat on your face. (Schnarch, 1993B)
Schnarch thinks marriage is a people growing machine. The purpose of marriage is to produce differentiation, and to use sexuality to grow people to where they can be in love, not just loving. Life and marriage are the teachers. Getting people strong enough to deal with life (such as being strong enough to bury your spouse) is what the crucible is all about. (Schnarch, 1992)
The goal of therapy, therefore, is to increase each individual's differentiation, which will increase the differentiation of the couple. Sexual crucible therapy works with the natural process of marriage. When you rely on other-validated intimacy, you will get bored or frustrated. You cease being able to look your partner in the eye, you stop asking for what you really want when you think your partner will react badly. Your sexual activity is limited to whatever neither of you considers perverted or disgusting. At some point, you recognize you have to do something if you don't want to live the rest of your life with boring sex. To change, you either have to get out of the relationship, or decide you won't accept the status quo, and you're ready to fight. But this fight is with yourself, to hold on to yourself and insist on what you want even when your partner, the most important person in your life, is resisting change. Schnarch says, "What we've just described is how the natural systemic processes of marriage kill sex so that the lousy sex drives people forward to finish their development so that they're capable of having the sex they were pissed off not having to begin with, and to become capable of loving on life's own terms. Because the same strength it takes to look your partner right in the eye and not only have sex with them eyes open but fuck them in the clean sense of the word, that sort of no holds barred eroticism... and quiet yourself at the same time, is the same ability you're going to need to bury your partner. And if you're not ready to bury them, it's not safe to love them with all your heart." (Schnarch, 1994A)
Like other Bowenians, Schnarch rejects techniques. The curative element is the person of the clinician (Schnarch, 1994A) However, he is willing to offer tools. He says he never tells clients what to do, but he does mention some activities they might find useful, if they care to try them. Among the tools are "hugging till relaxed." This involves really feeling (being aware of) your partner while you're hugging. It also involves standing on your own two feet and focussing on yourself. It's impossible to relax when you're leaning on your partner, because any move your partner makes forces you to adjust your position. Therefore this serves as a model for differentiation. Another tool is kissing and making love with your eyes open, so you'll really see and be aware of your partner. He also talks about styles and meanings of sex, and encourages people to widen their repertoire. (Schnarch, 1998)
The ability to self-soothe and to hold onto yourself, and the willingness to self-confront, are important to increasing your differentiation. These involve calming yourself down, not taking your partner's behavior personally, maintaining a clear sense of yourself, and facing your own unresolved personal issues. (Schnarch, 1998)
Schnarch very explicitly deals with sexuality, and provides a model for being comfortable with the discussion of intimate sexual details. He challenges therapists to look at their own attitudes to see whether they are truly conducive to helping their clients explore a high level of sexual functioning. He asks whether the Virgin Mary enjoyed a good sex life with Joseph after Jesus was born, and points out that if you think that question is blasphemous, then you'll probably have a hard time fully supporting a woman's sexuality. (Schnarch, 1994B)
Unlike other Bowenians, he often increases the anxiety to force a change. He believes that effective treatment often encourages one or both members of a couple not to compromise, not to agree, but rather to maintain their own beliefs even when those beliefs seem antithetical to effective marital or sexual functioning. The ways they are afraid to grow are the ways they've truncated themselves "for the good of the marriage" and are precisely the ways in which they need to grow. (Schnarch, 1994A) When one person doesn't want sex, he'll encourage that person not to have sex. At the same time, he'll encourage the partner who wants sex to ask for what s/he wants, though he'll also encourage him/her to ask why s/he wants sex with a partner who is uninterested. (Schnarch, 1998) At some point, through the process of self-confrontation, things will shift, though it's always possible the shift will be towards divorce. However, that risk has to be faced for both partners to get what they truly want. Note, however, that what someone wants often changes during self-confrontation. When the partner with the least desire increases his/her desire, it's not unusual for the other partner to lose his/her desire for a while. (Schnarch, 1998)