I Was Born Around the Turn of the Century. I Won T Say Which Century. Everyone Can Have

10th form

Listening

I was born around the turn of the century. I won’t say which century. Everyone can have one guess. We used to live in a crowded flat in New York. In addition to the five brothers — Chico, Harpo, Groucho, Gummo and Zeppo — there were my father and mother, my mother’s father and mother and an adopted sister.

Lots of poor relations used to visit our house day and night. All our visitors would always come to see my mother. She used to advise them about their love lives, where tofind jobs and how to stay out of trouble. She was amazing. She used to have more friends than anyone else I’ve known.

My father was a tailor. He was probably the worst tailor in our part of New York. He thought he could measure a man by just looking at him, so he didn’t use to use a tape measure. You could easily recognise his customers. They would all walk around with one trouser leg or sleeve shorter than the other.

We were poor and my pocket money was only a nickel (five cents) a week. When I was young I used to buy sweets the size of golf balls which took hours to disappear in my mouth.

Love hit me when I was twelve. A young girl, Lucy, used to live in the flat above ours. She was pretty with lovely brown hair and perfect teeth. For weeks, I saved enough money to take her to a variety show. When we arrived, Lucy asked for some candy and I had to buy some. During the performance, Lucy ate all the candy.

On the way out, I realised I only had enough money for one ticket back home. Today I feel terrible about this, but remember I was only twelve, it was very cold and Lucy had eaten all the candy. I said, “I’m going to toss this coin. If it’s heads, you get to ride home. If it’s tails, I ride home.” It was tails.

For some curious reason, Lucy never spoke to me again.’