Advanced Writing and Composition
Gabriella T. Espák
TASKSHEET for Week2 - Revision
Revision Checklist for Paragraphs
• Does the paragraph have one, and only one, central idea?
• Does the central idea help to develop the thesis statement?
• Does each statement within the paragraph help to develop the central idea?
• Does the paragraph need additional explanations, examples, or supporting details?
• Would cutting some material make the paragraph stronger?
• Would reorganization make the ideas easier to follow?
• Can the connections between successive sentences be improved?
• Is each paragraph clearly and smoothly related to those that precede and follow it?
1. Here are three sample, student paragraphs. Evaluate each according to the Revision Checklist for Paragraphs and suggest any necessary changes.
a. I can remember so many times when my father had said that he was coming to pick me up for a day or two. I was excited as a young boy could be at the thought of seeing my father. With all the excitement and anticipation raging inside of me, I would wait on the front porch. Minutes would seem like hours as I would wait Impatiently.
b. Going to high school for the first time, I couldn't decide if I should try out for the cheerleading team or wait a year. Since I had time and had been on other squads, I decided "why not?" I had nothing to lose but a lot togain. Tryouts were not as hard as I thought, but I just knew I had to be on the squad. The tryout consisted of learning the routine they made up, making up your own routine, doing splits, and making a chant. Yet although these things were not that hard, I still was not sure whether I would make the team or not. The time came for the judges to make their decisions on who made the squad. Totaling the votes, they handed the results to the coach. She gave her speech that all coaches give. We were all good, but only a few could be picked for the team. As she started to read the names, I got hot. When she called my name, I was more than happy.
c. For hours we had been waiting under the overhang of an abandoned hut. None of us had thought to bring ponchos on our short hike through the woods. Soon it would be dark. Earlier in the day it had been a perfectly clear day. We all agreed that we didn't want to stand here all night in the dark, so we decided to make a dash for it.
Using the Appropriate Style
1. The following passage is written in informal English. Working alone, revise the paragraphs so that they are more suitable for college-level work.
My favorite computer/music/video store gives me a load of problems at the same time. It's in the low-rent part of town, but that's the least of my worries. Great merchandise, scuzzy store, weird salesguys are the normal bill of fare. . I went there last Saturday to look at some new speakers. Walking past a pack of Netheads arguing about the latest monitor, I tripped over a gizmo that even I, good with computers, couldn't put a name to. In the stereo section I ran into the guy who would help my quest. He had obviously been hiding when the Dork Patrol made its latest sweep. But he knew a lot about sound systems. He found me the speakers I wanted. He dug up a rebate coupon from somewhere. He gave me enough info so that I wouldn't fry myself when I got home. And the price was right. So, what's to moan about?
2. The following passage uses elevated language and syntax to describe a subject that would be better handled with standard English. Working alone, with a partner or in a small group, revise it. Use a dictionary if needed.
Television serial comedies have reached their nadir. This reference is, of course, to the programs that display young people using the workplace for both gainful employment and riotous romance. The result is an unfortunate admixture of unproductive work hours and chaotic personal lives. Hitherto, workplace propinquity, an issue of some inevitability, was less of a staple on network broadcasts. To be sure, the work environment was seen as a source of humor, but not as a breeding ground. In current offerings, young people seem to attend work only to wear the latest accoutrements and spend their tenure trying to gain the amorous attention of other similarly attired and like-intentioned foragers. The results are ludicrous, pathetic, and forced.
3. Working alone, read the following paragraphs. Each lacks concrete, specific details that would make the writer's meaning clearer. Prepare a list of suggestions for each paragraph's writer to indicate where specific examples and support will help.
a. Shopping for home-decorating products is a lot of fun, but there are alsopitfalls. The same products can vary in price by 100%. The worst offendersare, of course, mall stores. An item costing $40 at the mall may well beavailable for $20-$25 at the discount department stores or the "warehouse"home-decorating outfits. Deep sales at the mall don't really equalize matterseither. A 40%-off sale sounds great, but the $40 item now costs $24, and theoff-price outlet only needs a 10% sale to stay lower. A final problem is thatmany people seem to use the mall as a place to handle things, touching themalmost compulsively. By the time the 40%-off sale takes place, the desireditem has felt many hands, and this is not a picture that I find appealing.
b. Getting the right dog is a matter of getting the right sized dog. Large dogsneed to live in the country or near a park. They may also eat upwards of apound of food per day. Mid-size dogs can live inside a house, but most ofthem prefer the outdoors. Like large dogs, they need plenty of exercise. Smalldogs are better off inside houses or apartments, but many small dogs haveirritating dispositions and habits. Whatever the case, let the size of your homebe the first factor in deciding what type of dog to acquire.
4. Read the following paragraphs and underline sentences that have strayed from the point.
a. Students who disrupt college classes should be removed from those classes.My major will be economics, and I'm taking the intro economics courses aswell as finishing up my general-ed courses. Three of these courses are in RyanHall. In every one of my classes this semester there is at least one clown whodetracts from the lecture or discussion by calling attention to himself. In fact,the same clown is in two of my classes—Renaissance humanities and macroeconomics.These two aren't the best anyway. The humanities instructor is acomplete bore who reads from the textbook. The economics professormumbles while he is facing the board and trying to clarify his shaky graphs.The clown sits and talks to his friends and laughs at anything unexpectedcoming from either instructor. He seems to have learned how to approacha college lecture by watching too many episodes of Mystery Science Theater.I dream that someday a large campus security officer will loom up behindhim and take him away. He'll never be seen again, of course, and this fact willhelp dissuade future clowns from making the same mistake.
b. My uncle Roy is an example of someone who has turned his life around. Up until the time that he was about twenty-five years old, Uncle Roywas hell on wheels. He was also a champion bowler, once winning fivetournaments in six weeks. Two things happened to Roy in his twenty-sixthyear. One was that he nearly died while riding in a car driven by a drunkdriver. The car hit a bridge abutment, and Uncle Roy, who was also drunk,was the only survivor. The second event was Roy's meeting my aunt Linda, adivorcee with a child. Linda told Roy that his wild days were over, that she'dalready run off one husband for drinking and didn't intend to do so again.
Roy married Aunt Linda and became a family man. He is devoted to hisadopted daughter, Laura. Laura was born virtually deaf and hears only withvery strong hearing aids and lipreading. She attends a regular school, though,and is very well adjusted. At the urging of Aunt Linda/ Roy went to collegepart time for several years. Today he is a cost accountant, a change that mustcome as a shock to his old rounder buddies—those who still survive.
5. Working alone, with a partner or in a small group, read the following paragraphs, and make any changes that will improve coherence.
a. Many people these days seem desperate to produce children. These peoplecan spend a fortune on "pre-pregnancy" treatments: fertility testing, genetictesting, artificial fertilization. If successful, these people then produce a child.The costs of raising and to educate a child are immense. The costs can averagea half million dollars per child. The costs are prohibitive. Personal pressure,family pressure, and pressure from society all work together to ensure thatpeople continue to want babies.
b. Our entertainment options today are vastly different from the opportunities forentertainment before World War II. In the 1930s, the standard picture was offamilies sitting in the living room listening to the huge radios or record playersof the time. Or perhaps the family would go to a live concert, or perhaps a playwas being performed. Modern families have radio, television is available,computer games and the Internet are popular. Modern families don't have togo to a performance to be entertained. Modern families can have the entertainmentcome to them. Pay-per-view movies can be ordered, and premiumsporting events can be ordered. Modern families have a wealth ofentertainment options.