INSPECTOR WINSLOW PASSERBY
ARCHIE CLERK
THE DETECTIVES: THE PRANKSTER
(Scene One: Inspector's office - ARCHIE sneaks into the office and ties the fishing line across the stage to create a tripwire for the inspector. He just finishes as WINSLOW ENTERS.)
PROPS: Poof-bang flash powder gimmick, fishing line, "KICK ME" sign (with duct tape attached), I.D. card
WINSLOW: Hold it right there! Don't move or I'll shoot
(WINSLOW pulls out his shoe phone and points it like a gun at Archie)! Who are you and what are you doing in my office?
ARCHIE: I'm your new partner. My name's Archie (offers a handshake). They sent me here to replace Bradley. By the way, that's not your shoe gun; that's your shoe TELEPHONE.
WINSLOW: Wrong shoes! What happened to Bradley?
ARCHIE: Didn't you hear? They moved him to a different department.
WINSLOW: No, I didn't know that. But how do I know you're telling me the truth? You might really be a spy. Let's see if you know the password: Ring around the rosie.
ARCHIE: Ashes, ashes; we all fall down.
WINSLOW: All right, you know the secret password, but let's see your I.D. (ARCHIE hands it to him). Well, this says you're official all right. I guess you're my new partner, Archie. Do you know if we have any cases today?
ARCHIE: As a matter of fact we do. The donut shop was robbed last night. They want us to investigate.
(ARCHIE picks up the poof-bang device)
WINSLOW: What's that device for?
ARCHIE: It's a lie detector. Just push this button to turn it on (hands it to WINSLOW).
WINSLOW: You mean this button right here (he presses it, causing an explosion).
ARCHIE: Ha-ha! That's not really a lie detector. I guess I lied!
WINSLOW: Yeah. You sure got me that time. Heh-heh. Now let's go on down to that donut shop. You say they were robbed last night?
ARCHIE: Yeah. The money was stolen from their safe. (WINSLOW trips over the tripwire and goes sprawling)
WINSLOW: Safe, huh? I'm beginning to think it's not very safe having you for a partner.
ARCHIE: I hope you enjoyed your TRIP! Get it? Trip! Ha-ha!
WINSLOW: I get it.
ARCHIE: Now, now; there's nothing wrong with a little joke now and then. Let's be buddies (he slaps the "KICK ME" sign on WINSLOW'S back as both exit).
(Scene Two: At the donut shop, WINSLOW and BRADLEY)
PROPS: donut store backdrop- center stage, paper sack stuffed with anything, chair, hand-buzzer, candy, rope, blindfold
PASSERBY: (exits the donut shop with a bag of donuts and greets the detectives) Hi.
WINSLOW: Hi. Are those donuts any good?
PASSERBY: Yeah, they're pretty good. (He kicks WINSLOW in the back of the leg just as WINSLOW begins to enter the shop).
WINSLOW: OW! That kid just kicked me!
ARCHIE: Ha-ha-ha.
WINSLOW: What are you laughing about?
ARCHIE: He must have read the sign I put on your back.
WINSLOW: The sign . . . (he removes it) This is not a good sign.
Anyway, let's do what we came here to do; let's talk to the donut clerk about that robbery.
ARCHIE: Okay, but before we enter, I think there's something you need to know about the clerk.
WINSLOW: What's that?
ARCHIE: Well, he's completely deaf in his right ear. You must be sure to stay on his left side so you can speak into his good ear.
WINSLOW: Oh. Thanks for that information, Archie (they enter).
CLERK: How can I help you gentlemen?
ARCHIE: We're detectives. My partner has some questions for you about the robbery.
CLERK: Okay (fully faces front).
WINSLOW: (slips behind and to left of clerk) Were you inside this store when the robbery took place?
CLERK: (startled at the unexpected voice from the left)
Sure. I was right here the whole time. (Turns right) The robber made me sit in this chair. (Turns right again where WINSLOW last was, but sees no one and scratches his head in confusion. WINSLOW keeps moving to stay on CLERK'S left side)
WINSLOW: Did you get a good look at the robber?
CLERK: (startled) No. He came up behind be and hit me. Before I could look at him, he blindfolded me and tied me to the chair. (Turns left) He had a gun and he made me unlock the safe. (Turns left again to look at WINSLOW. When he doesn't see WINSLOW again, CLERK turns quickly to the right and spots him on the wrong side again). How come you keep doing that to me?
WINSLOW: Doing what?
CLERK: Moving around so fast I can't even find you!
WINSLOW: Well, I was just trying to stay close to your good ear, that's all.
CLERK: My good ear? Both my ears are good. I don't have a bad ear! (Archie just stands there, trying to control a smirk)
WINSLOW: I see . . . I think I'm beginning to understand. uh, pardon me while my new partner and I step outside. (They do)
ARCHIE: (still lauging) That was great! That had to be my best joke ever!
WINSLOW: Yeah, that was funny all right. Hey, would you like a starburst candy?
ARCHIE: Is it a trick?
WINSLOW: No.
ARCHIE: (takes a piece) How come you're being so nice to me?
WINSLOW: Oh, I don't know. Maybe because I used to be a jerk, but Jesus changed my life. Now let's go back inside and arrest this punk.
ARCHIE: Why? We didn't find any clues.
WINSLOW: I know. But he lied about the robbery. (They reenter)
You're under arrest, kid. Anything you say can and will be held against you in a court of law.
CLERK: What did I do?
WINSLOW: You stole the money from the safe and made the whole story up.
CLERK: I did?
WINSLOW: Yes you did. You told me that the robber hit you and blindfolded you and tied you to a chair. And then he made you open the safe.
CLERK: Yeah. That's right. There's the rope and blindfold to prove it (he points to the floor).
WINSLOW: Would you please have a seat (he sits down). Now would you say you were tied up like this (WINSLOW ties him up)?
CLERK: Yes.
WINSLOW: And blindfolded like this (he blindfolds him too)?
CLERK: Yes.
WINSLOW: Good. Now open the safe. Just like you did last night when the robber made you.
CLERK: (tries, but can't even move) I can't.
WINSLOW: Exactly. That proves you made the whole thing up.
CLERK: Are you going to put me in handcuffs?
WINSLOW: No, I think you'll be good just as you are until the police get here. (WINSLOW and ARCHIE leave the store)
ARCHIE: Nice work, inspector.
WINSLOW: Thanks, Archie.
ARCHIE: Sorry about all those jokes I played on you. I wasn't very nice. Shake? (They do shake, but it's a hand-buzzer)
WINSLOW: AHHHH!
THE END