INFORMATION FOR HELPING AND SUPPORTING SURVIVORS
The people who are left behind after a suicide are identified as survivors of suicide. As a family member, friend, colleague, or neighbor of someone who is dealing with the sudden and traumatic death of a loved one who died by suicide, you may be in a position to provide support to the immediate family and friends of the person who died.
How Can You Help?
- Respect the need to grieve and the intensity of the survivor’s emotions. All people who lose loved ones need to grieve, and different people grieve differently (See Appendix on Grief). When the death is caused by suicide, the grief process can be compounded by intense feelings of shame, guilt, anger, fear, regret and self-blame. These emotions are often combined with a relentless search for answers or explanations, extending the grieving process beyond the limits experienced in other types of loss. Survivors don’t “get over it”; however, with support and understanding they can come to reconcile themselves to reality. To experience grief is the result of having loved. Allow survivors to process grief at their own pace. Do not criticize their behavior. As a supporter, be patient, compassionate, understanding, and above all, sincere.
2.Listen. Because of the nature of the death and the stigma attached to suicide, it is sometimes kept a secret. If the death can’t be talked about openly, the wounds of the bereaved will not heal. Distress and despair can often be alleviated when survivors can talk to someone in confidence and without prejudice. You do not need to have answers. Your physical presence and willingness to listen without judgment or criticism can be the best way to help survivors. Just hear the words that are being shared, even if survivors relate the same story about the death many times. This repetition can be an important part of the healing process. Be an active and respectful listener, giving your undivided attention when survivors are talking and being equally attentive when they may need to be silent and thoughtful. Allow them to talk, without pushing them. If you get cues to back off and wait, let them know that you are ready to listen if and when they want to share their thoughts and feelings.
- Choose your words carefully, respectfully and lovingly. The specific words and terms you use when communicating about suicide is an important consideration. Use phrases such as “died by suicide”, “took his/her life”, “ended his/her life”, “completed suicide”,or “attempted suicide”, which are more accurate and less offensive. Avoid saying that he/she “committed” suicide, which connects the death to acts such as crimes or sins. Terms such as “successful suicide” and “failed attempt” infer a positive connotation from a negative act. Do not suggest that the deceased made a “choice” or “decision” to die; in most situations, the individual’s impaired emotional state made it impossible to make a rational choice or decision. No matter how well-intentioned, comments such as “Time heals all wounds,” “Think of what you still have to be thankful for,” or “You need to be strong for others” are not constructive and can be painful to survivors. Be careful that in an effort to discourage what may seem to be negative thinking, you don’t inadvertently respond in a way that invalidates or diminishes the feelings of survivors. If a survivor says, “I feel guilty,” or “I’m falling apart,” understand that these are expressions of realistic feelings. Don’t discount, but instead encourage survivors to “explain what you mean.”
By incorporating these concepts into your thinking and these terms into your vocabulary, you can help reduce the stigma associated with suicide. By introducing survivors to these terms and ideas, you may be able to assist them in coping with and understanding the death of their loved one.
- Provide helpful support. Suicide survivors need more support and for a longer period of time than people who are grieving a loss by any other means, but survivors sometimes withdraw from the very people who care and want to help. It is important for you to make an ongoing effort to reach out without waiting to be asked – and continue to offer as much support and help as you can for as long as you are needed.
In the days immediately following the death, you can offer to make calls or answer phones, baby-sit, mow the lawn, take out the garbage, clean the house, help organize mail and bills and similar tasks. But let survivors give you cues as to where/when it would be appropriate and welcome for you to help and where it would be considered an intrusion.
Stay in contact with survivors. Don’t tell them to call if they need you and then wait for their call. Survivors are often too emotionally drained to reach out even when they may want to. So don’t wait; do something specific. The greatest long-term support you can offer is to maintain regular contact which may mean simply being there, ready with a gentle touch, a willing ear, and a listening heart (See Appendix for Guidelines for Immediate Help).
- Respect a survivor’s faith and spirituality. Let survivors ‘teach you’ about their feelings regarding spirituality and faith. If faith is a part of their lives, let them express it in ways that they find appropriate. If they are angry with God, encourage them to talk about it. Don’t judge; be caring. Survivors may need to explore how their grief may be complicated by religion. Unless you are their pastor, your role is not to explain theology, but to listen and learn. You might suggest that they talk with a spiritual leader from their faith, but your presence and willingness to listen without judgment are your most important helping tools.
- Be aware of holidays and anniversaries. Survivors of suicide may have an especially difficult time during special occasions, holidays, and anniversaries, such as the date of the death and the deceased’s birthday. These events emphasize the absence of the person who has died. Respect the survivor’s pain and offer comfort. Most importantly, never try to take the hurt away; it is a natural expression of the grieving process. Do not avoid using the name of the person who has died when talking to survivors. Hearing the name can be comforting and it confirms that you have not forgotten this person who was such an important part of their lives.
- Learn about support groups. Support groups can be a valuable resource for survivors of suicide. Groups provide opportunities for survivors to connect with others who share the commonality of their experience. In a group, individuals are allowed and encouraged to tell their stories in as much detail and as frequently as they care to. If you are able to help survivors locate a nearby support group, your efforts will be appreciated (See Appendix for Support Groups).
- Resources. Information for survivors and their supporters is available in a variety of media, including Internet sites, books and pamphlets. Sorting through all this information can sometimes feel overwhelming to survivors. Supporters can help by gathering and documenting relevant resource options, including contact names, addresses and phone numbers. If you type or neatly print the information on a sheet of paper, survivors can keep it in a convenient place to refer to when they need it (See Appendix for Resources).
These suggestions were compiled from a variety of sources including:
SuicidePreventionResourceCenter.
HOPES (Helping Others Prevent and Educate about Suicide),
Survivors of Suicide; SurvivorsOfSuicide.com"Helping a Survivor Heal" by Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt.
Postvention: Community Response to Suicide. National Alliance for the Mentally Ill (NAMI). Concord, New Hampshire.