The Trouble with Speaking Your Mind
By LD Thompson
‘Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never harm me’ goes the old adage. Usually uttered by a concerned parent with a weepy child in their arms who has just been taunted by another kid, it is meant to help the kid build up a thick skin for the insults that nearly everyone experiences as they grow up.
In the schoolyard I can see a value in downplaying the potency of words, especially because of the context – the scrum of school and the Petri dish of kids learning language and its power. But in a relationship, particularly a committed relationship, I take a different stance altogether. In my experience there should be hard and fast rules of engagement when it comes to communications and in many instances I hold that it is better to not say what comes immediately to mind.
A married couple gets into a heated discussion and they can’t come to resolution. They’ve discussed this very issue repeatedly in their relationship and one of them in a fit of anger says, “Maybe we ought to just get divorced!”
Such a simple statement so easily trips off of the tongue when one is angry and it is so very loaded. In my experience working with couples it is usually an idle threat that is intended to be the trump card that will “win” the argument. A power play, in other words.
But making such a statement is one of the biggest mistakes people make in their attempts to work out their differences. My feeling is this: if you are going to make such a statement you better have your bags packed. Otherwise, you are simply engaging in one of the most ineffective and damaging techniques for settling differences known to humankind.
“I don’t love you anymore.” This is a statement that even if felt, should never be uttered. The limited mind – the altered ego – is the part of us that judges and is identified with our singularity. It is the part of us that sees the world as a battlefield and is constantly trying to feel safe and successful. It is this part that inevitably gets activated in an argument. And when the altered ego is activated, it invariably activates the emotional body – the part of us that is most closely related to our automatic, primitive responses to danger.
It is the altered ego that all too often people want to express when they are arguing. It is the voice of the pain of singularity. It is the voice of fear that you will be abandoned (so better do the abandoning first!).
Conversely, have you ever found yourself deep in an argument and something softens inside and you find yourself expressing love or saying you’re sorry? That is the Soul – the immortal point of view that values only Love and recognizes that every relationship is a master class in coming to know and to love Self.
There is absolutely nothing to be gained by telling someone that you don’t love them, even if you aren’t feeling loving in that moment. There is nothing to be gained by suggesting divorce if you aren’t already fully committed to the idea as a last resort. There is nothing to be gained by insulting your partner with words such as “You’re pathetic, you’re so uptight, you’re not very good in bed.” These are just a few examples of the kinds of things that people say to one another that, granted, may not break bones, but they break something quite a bit more important – trust.
This is why I urge every couple to establish early on in their relationship the rules of engagement when it comes to arguing, quarreling and heated discussions. Usually, within a relationship, the ramp up to an altercation has familiar signposts. With a little practice, two people can develop an early warning system that alerts them that they are about to spiral into an escalating argument. In such a moment, it is possible for one or the other to ask simply “do we want to escalate or de-escalate?” Despite the temptation that one or both may feel in that moment to be “right,” the answer is always de-escalate. That simple technique alone can save so much time and needless heartache.
But what about the times when you don’t catch yourself and a quarrel escalates to where both individuals are speaking with their altered ego and the emotional body has been triggered? Then it helps to have rules of engagement and strategies for getting through the discussion without destroying that most precious thing within a relationship – trust.
I advise couples to stop doing what they are doing – working, playing, driving, making dinner, preparing for guests – and sit down facing one another. Sometimes, this is enough to break the trance that they are falling into, in which they become adversaries instead of allies. It is generally agreed that body language accounts for somewhere between 55 to 95 percent of human communication. So couples should agree that when they face each other, there will be no eye rolling, huffing and puffing, arm crossing and the like. Both must adopt neutral, if not open, body language.
One couple ran into difficulties because one of the men had a habit of nipping at the other. He had grown up in a household where this was the norm. But his partner was an independent fellow with independent means and endeavors. Although he was very committed to the relationship, he found that resentments were building up due to a steady stream of demands, commands and interrogations. It took several guided sessions to help the two of them establish the “rules of engagement” – quite literally how to talk to one another about their differing values, points of view, and ultimately how to negotiate in spite of irritation and anger. Each of these men had a different rhythm associated with letting go of anger. Once this was known and they had established their rules of engagement, it was as if a whole world of greater trust opened up to them.
In another couple, the woman had grown up with a father who would periodically fly into a rage. So, several issues had to be addressed – her inclination to “duck and cover” if there was a hint of discord but also her inclination to be consumed with rage and say things that were extremely caustic, which she inevitably regretted. In her world, this is just what happened in arguments. I worked with them to craft guidelines for what could be said and how, and what to do when tensions began to rise. They agreed to forbid cursing, storming out of the room and slamming doors. For this couple, the biggest key was establishing a rule to not talk about things that had happened in the past in the midst of an argument, but rather to stick to the present emotions and circumstances. Then, after their emotions had been brought to balance, they were allowed to bring up and discuss anything that was unresolved from a past situation.
The next time you find yourself thinking – ‘”I should just say it … after all, I’m just being truthful,” I suggest that you take a moment and ask yourself if the “truth” you’re about to speak is the altered ego speaking. An easy test is to ask yourself if you feel open and peaceful and unconditionally loving. If the answer is no, chances are your about to speak from your limited mind. Then ask yourself if you will welcome back the words you are about to utter. If you have any hesitation, I recommend following the pathways that allow you to speak with your Soul instead of with your limited mind.
Disagreements don't have to be destructive. Here are some tips:
· Agree how to disagree: Establish and agree upon “rules of engagement” (what phrases and behaviors are out of bounds in an argument).
· Have a De-escalate Clause: When an argument is about to begin, one asks the other “do we want to escalate or de-escalate?” The answer, by the way, is always de-escalate.
· Face Each Other: If the de-escalate clause fails, then it’s time to stop, assume neutral body language, sit facing one another and begin to talk about the present-tense reality of what is at the root of the disagreement.
· Communicate Why You're Irritated: Adopt a pre-emptive agreement that if one of you is out of sorts, you'll let the other in on the cause of the mood to take the guess-work out of it.
· Strive to Speak from Your Soul rather than speaking from the altered ego’s perspective, which is invariably judgmental and fear based.
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About the Author: Author LD Thompson is an inspirational speaker, filmmaker, social and political activist, spiritual teacher, mentor and consultant. LD has spent more than 25 years exploring the mind/body/spirit connection and helping people find passion, power and perseverance through spiritual practice. His new book, THE MESSAGE: A Guide To Being Human, is about how we can learn to follow our "soul's curriculum." Learn more at www.divineartsmedia.com.