For Having Lived Long, I Have Experienced Many Instances of Being Obliged, by Better

"For having lived long, I have experienced many instances of being obliged, by better information or fuller consideration, to change opinions, even on important subjects, which I once thought right but found to be otherwise." - Benjamin Franklin
In 1990, I joined the Mormon (LDS) Church. Now, I am leaving.

I started to write a letter about this several times, but I think this space might be better served to just respond to some questions that have come up (many repeatedly), the answers to which will probably include some of the content of my virtual crumpled-up letters (I wish MS Word included a paper-crumpling function). This Q&A comprises 5 pages of a Word document, so if you don't want to read the whole thing, but have a question or concern, just ask in a comment and I'll answer, or refer to an answer from below.

1. WHY??

This is by far the most frequent of the FAQs, but it's something that I'm hesitant to talk too much about. I don't really wish to get into specifics, which would take too long to contextualize and explain properly. And I want to be delicate and respectful to those I love who still remain faithful. The simplest thing I can say is that personally, I have come to a point of difference in belief from the foundational truth claims of the LDS religion.

I suppose that some of the “why” will be alluded to in the following questions/answers, but other than that, I'll leave it to the Ben Franklin quote and this one by Dieter Uchtdorf, which definitely applies: “Sometimes we assume (people leave the church) because they have been offended or lazy or sinful. Actually, it is not that simple. In fact, there is not just one reason that applies to the variety of situations.”

1A. WHY NOW?

This has been years in the process, but it was back in early May that the change fully occurred in my mind. Time since then has been spent considering how to proceed, how/when to tell certain people, and whether it might make sense for me to continue attending and just play along, so to speak. Speaking of which...

2. WHY CAN'T YOU JUST STAY, ANYWAY?

I know that some people do that, remaining active and involved in churches even though they don't believe, for a variety of reasons. I did that for a while in May and June; still attending and doing my calling and trying to participate and connect best I could, and attempting to make that work for me. It didn't work. Aside from issues of honesty and integrity, I felt it was counter to the path of my spiritual journey.

A family member I had talked to about my disaffection reminded me of The Music Man ending, where (spoiler!) the River City-zians seem to have benefited from Harold Hill's arrival, and they appreciate the music played by the “band” of their kids, even though the sound the actual audience hears is pretty awful. I replied to say no fair appealing to me with a Music Man reference, and that sure, one can remain and play along and perhaps gain some benefit from something that they don’t consider to be true. We do that in many ways with entertainment and gaming and book clubs and such. But pertaining to a lifelong committed religious practice, aside from potential negative influences involved (which I won't get into), that may also be limiting someone by forcing them to circumscribe all truth and knowledge and insight into the framework of something that they don't find to be a valid container for all such things.

I still find insight in some aspects of Mormon theology, but at this point it makes more sense for me to carry that insight with me, rather than try to force all other potential truth and insight into a practice of Mormonism, where for me, it often doesn't fit.

3. (from a couple of snarky friends) WHY DIDN'T YOU LEAVE YEARS AGO?/WHY DID YOU EVER JOIN IN THE FIRST PLACE?

In the documentary, An Honest Liar, James Randi says, “People think they believe what they choose to believe. They don't. They believe what they need to believe.” I can see how I needed to believe what I did when I joined the church, and how that continued in various ways over the years, even when the cognitive dissonance of various issues was evident and I was struggling to maintain belief. And for the most part, I have no regrets and am grateful for several things about my experience, mainly that I met my dear wife and extended family as a result of being LDS. But also for aspects of faith, service, commitment, community, etc.

The longer a deep connection and commitment like that is maintained, and the more someone puts into it over many years, the less they are willing to let it go (i.e., the sunk cost fallacy). Often, someone whose deeply held beliefs are challenged will retrench deeper into those beliefs rather than confront possible discrepancy, and that was the case for me at times. What you are reading today is merely the brief epilogue to what could be a very long novel about the journey involved to get to this point. (Uh, that's just an analogy... I'm not actually writing a novel.)

4. ARE YOU JOINING ANOTHER CHURCH?

No, and also not shopping for one. I find a lot of the same types of truth claim problems that are in Mormonism to be in most religions and churches. I'll keep an open mind, though.

5. DO YOU STILL BELIEVE IN GOD/JESUS/HOLY GHOST, ETC.?

I'm not sure. I'm taking some time to rethink everything outside of the framework I've had for the past 26 years. In a way it feels strange to be back where I was at age 20, but though I may be back in the same place, essentially, I have learned and experienced a lot which is now with me, so it feels different in that sense. At this point, I suppose I'm sort of a hopeful agnostic or a vague theist, and currently I like the idea of “possibilianism,” though not in any formal way. I also find a lot of atheist arguments to be very reasonable and worth consideration.

Rather than any label, I am content to be considered just a “human,” and one who is ever yearning for something meaningful, and continually striving to be loving and thoughtful and joyful and creative. I still feel like there is ample inspiration and insight available in life, possibly from a source of higher intelligence, and present in many forms of philosophy, art, music, literature, science, nature and yes, religion (including the one I'm leaving).

6. HAD YOU BEEN DOING REGULAR SCRIPTURE STUDY, PRAYING, ETC.?

I have done more of that in the past few years, and more earnestly, than ever before, including reading the entire Book of Mormon straight through for the first time ever last year. (I had read it all in pieces and chapters several times over, but never straight through.) I have prayed and sought deeply and fervently to know the truth of things pertaining to my religion, and to be open to whatever that conclusion might be. A definitive and overwhelming conclusion was reached in my mind, and though it wasn’t really the one I had wanted, I was obliged to accept it.

7. HAD YOU BEEN READING "ANTI-MORMON" MATERIALS? ARE YOU AWARE OF THE ANSWERS TO CRITICAL ISSUES BY MORMON APOLOGISTS?

I have sought information wherever it may be, without necessarily agreeing with the conclusions presented therein, whether they were critical or faith-promoting. Regardless, the decision I've made could have been made based solely on official church scriptures, essays and history.

As far as LDS apologia, I was essentially an amateur apologist myself for many years, responding to various issues and criticisms on internet forums and Facebook. I always remained well-versed in the faithful responses to various issues, but no longer find them sufficient or tenable against the impact and content of the critical issues.

Apologists admittedly start with the idea that the church is true and apply all possible information to fit that premise. I did exactly that for years, but more recently tried to look at all possible information and decide whether it better fit the premise of the church being true or not. For me, the latter was the clear answer.

Also, with as much as I thought I already knew about problematic issues in my church and its scriptures and history, I have become aware of much more in the past year or two. I used to be able to compartmentalize individual issues and be content with having faithful-ish answers for each issue, or to put a few particularly difficult problems away on a “shelf,” as many refer to it. In May, that shelf crashed from its cumulative weight.

8. WHAT ABOUT THE SPIRITUAL FEELINGS AND CONFIRMATIONS YOU'VE HAD OVER THE YEARS, LIKE WHEN YOU FIRST JOINED THE CHURCH?

This is an interesting thing that was new to me to learn in recent years, which now seems obvious, that people of all faiths and cultures can have almost the exact same types of spiritual experiences and confirmations. I have seen video clips of Heaven's Gate followers (the group that committed suicide when the Hale Bopp comet came by in 1997) describing how they felt peace in their hearts and how their minds were illuminated and so they knew that their faith was true. I might have guessed they were Mormons from the things they were saying and the way they said them, and there are similar examples of Muslims, Catholics, Hindus and Scientologists saying the same kinds of things. I assume it is a form of confirmation bias, and on the basis of its ubiquitousness, I can no longer include that as an evidence in favor of my particular faith.

9. WHAT DO YOU THINK NOW ABOUT JOSEPH SMITH, THE BOOK OF MORMON, THE FIRST VISION, TEMPLES, PROPHETS, ETC.?

I'm not really going to talk specifically about things like that here, in respect for those I know who still revere them. If you want to have a conversation along those lines, I might be open to that elsewhere or in private. I do still find JS and the BOM to be incredibly fascinating, but not in the same way as before. It's complicated, but interesting, and something I will continue to study.

10. EVEN IF YOU DON'T CONSIDER THE BOOK OF MORMON TO BE LITERALLY TRUE, CAN'T YOU SEE THAT IT STILL CONTAINS SPIRITUAL TRUTH AND EMBRACE IT IN THAT SENSE?

I have considered that approach. I agree that there are spiritual truths contained within, but without getting into specifics (see #9 above), there are also things that are at odds with what I would consider to be spiritual truth. And as a work that claims to be actual history, I need it to be “true true,” not merely spiritually true, in order to make its associated religion my life’s practice. Else I could form a religion based on things like Lord of the Rings or Star Wars. Hmm…

11. HOW ARE YOU DOING?

Thanks for asking. Quite well. I feel at peace with this and with life, more than I have in a long time. For several years, I experienced severe cognitive dissonance relating to this matter, and that is gone now. When I first arrived at this conclusion back in May, there was definitely some grief involved, and feelings of shame and disappointment, but before long I was able to move to a place of acceptance and peace. And from there, it was more about asking, “Now what?” To which I'm not sure yet how to answer.

12. NOW WHAT?

What did I just tell you? I’m not sure yet how to answer. Pay attention! :)

13. WHAT CAN I/WE DO FOR YOU?

If you're still in the church, well... I could ask for your understanding, but I wouldn't presume to get it, and that's fine. I have had good friends leave the church at times when I was more faithful, and it was hard for me to understand how or why they could do that. So it's okay to feel that way, and I can certainly validate that.

I would appreciate it if you would take five minutes to read this article:http://johnpavlovitz.com/…/what-church-people-really-need-…/

It would be nice to know that you still care about me enough, outside of our prior church connection, to smile and say “hi” and catch up on things if you bump into me somewhere.

You can please refrain from trying to convert me back. I'm making this official now, but the transition was essentially complete back in May, so I'm already well past the point of being open to testimonies or emotional pleas or encouragements to “doubt my doubts” and “ask God, not Google,” and so forth. This is something I have not done casually or with any measure of frivolity or haste. And I am fully at peace that the God of life, the universe and everything, whatever he/she/it may or may not be, knows that I am doing this because of coming to an honest place in my understanding about all I know and perceive in the matter. You may not understand, and you may no longer be on a parallel path to me, spiritually, but I would hope you can respect that I am on the right path for me, long and winding as it continues to be.

You are always welcome to visit, but please get in touch ahead of time. The sound of my doorbell ringing is usually a happy one when I am expecting it to ring, but otherwise, not necessarily.

If you're not in the church, there's nothing you need to do, really, though I’ll always take a hug and words of support and encouragement. And resisting the urge to do a celebratory dance and avoiding questions like #3 would be nice. I consider this a very positive change, personally, but I know it will make others that I care about sad, so for their sake, I hope everyone would be respectful.

14. WILL THIS CHANGE THINGS IN TERMS OF YOUR PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS WITH FAMILY/FRIENDS WHO ARE STILL CHURCH MEMBERS?

I'd like to say that it won't change things, but I understand that people may need some space. I hope I have demonstrated to everyone I know, in the church or not, that I greatly value your presence in my life, and that my love and concern for you has been and will always be unconditional. “Love one another” will always remain a primary directive in my heart and mind.

I would feel comfortable attending certain events or family celebrations at church, so you're okay to invite our family, and if you want to share prayers or blessings or church-related stories while in my presence, that's totally fine and I promise not to wither into dust or roll my eyes or whatever. What's important to you will still be important to me, at least passively as far as church stuff, if not actively as before.