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Scene 5
SOUND: out
LIGHTS: generals up.
MAYOR enters HALL followed by PRIZE.
MAYOR: So you see Prize this is our major fundraiser.
MAYOR shows poster to PRIZE.
PRIZE: Lavender Amarillo is coming to Smithville?
MAYOR: Frostbite Falls.
PRIZE: She is the biggest singing star in Texas.
MAYOR: And everything is big in Texas even if it is Minnesota.
PRIZE: I read she played to packed houses in Dallas and Houston.
MAYOR: The toast of San Antonio.
PRIZE: How did you get her to come here?
MAYOR: We are changing the name of Main St. to Lavender Blvd. and the Loop to Amarillo Way. Howard! Howard!
HOWARD enters HALL.
HOWARD: Mayor.
MAYOR: No.
HOWARD: Madame Director?
MAYOR: Correct. Put up this poster.
MAYOR hands HOWARD the poster.
HOWARD: Lavender Amarillo! I’ve heard she’s the biggest act in Texas… I mean Minnesota.
MAYOR: Post the bill.
HOWARD: We are going to run out of room.
HOWARD puts poster on Chamber.
PRIZE: Can I get a comment about the kidnapping?
MAYOR: Who’s been kidnapped?
PRIZE: Eleven.
MAYOR: Not a member of the Chamber.
PRIZE: She’s a leading citizen in the community.
MAYOR: Wrong hat.
PRIZE exits HALL.
OLGA with hat enters FRONT.
OLGA: Excuse please.
MAYOR: Where did you get that hat?
OLGA: Is my hat!
MAYOR: I got to have that hat.
OLGA: Is my hat.
MAYOR: A red hat.
OLGA: Is crimson.
MAYOR: That’s it.
HOWARD: What’s it?
MAYOR: The Crimson Hat Society!
MAYOR exits HALL.
OLGA: Who are you?
HOWARD: Howard I do.
OLGA: Is your name.
HOWARD: What’s your name?
OLGA: Olga, mother of Boris. You see Boris?
HOWARD: No I don’t.
OLGA: This is Smithville?
HOWARD: Frostbite Falls.
OLGA: I am confused.
HOWARD: So are we.
OLGA exits FRONT.
HOWARD: Ahh… there is the nice quite town we all love.
BORIS and NATASHA enter HALL dressed cowboy attire. Followed by EVEVEN with a train track on her back.
NATASHA: I don’t like this Boris. Is not my style. I am no shooter up bang, bang!
BORIS: We must move unobserved-ed. Use accent.
NATASHA: I am using accent.
BORIS: Texas accent!
NATASHA: Ok-dokeys lEE-tle Bud-EE.
BORIS: Hey, watch it with the little.
NATASHA: You said you would make short work of this job.
BORIS: All my jobs are short work.
ELEVEN: How long have you two been married?
BORIS: I have asked for her hand several times;
NATASHA: He has two god ones of his own.
ELEVEN: You can’t hide it from me. Come tell me, how long?
BORIS: Not so long.
NATASHA: Looooooong time.
ELEVEN: I knew it.
NATASHA: Boris, this make her look silly.
BORIS: I said I would tie her to train tracks and I have.
HOWARD: Shouldn’t the train tracks go the other way?
BORIS: We tried that.
NATAHSA: Couldn’t get through doors.
BORIS: Have you been lessoning to our conversation, fell-er?
HOWARD: Me?
BORIS: Who else?
NATASHA: Don’t have a hissy fit.
BORIS: Well dagnabbit.
NATASHA: (to HOWARD) You, short warm drink of water, what is your name?
HOWARD: Howard Ino.
NATASHA: (to BORIS) What is it with these people?
ELEVEN: Don’t worry with Howard. He’s as happy as a dog with dead skunk.
BORIS: (to NATASHA) You explain that one.
NATASHA: I have funny feeling Boris. Is slimy.
ELEVEN: Is it as greasy as fried lard?
BORIS: (to audience) Now I know why ideate is root word of idiom. (to NATASHA) What is feeling Natasha?
NATASHA: Boris, you know what season it is in Potsylvania?
BORIS: tax season?
NATASHA: No.
BORIS: My favorite, torture season?
NATASHA: No.
BORIS: (hoping) Re-run season?
NATASHA: No.
BORIS: No, tell me it isn’t true.
NATASHA: Mother-in-Law season.
BORIS: But, we are not in Potsylvania.
NATASHA: If ever a town looked like it could have Mother-in Law season…
BORIS: It’s Smithville.
OLGA without hat enters FRONT.
OLGA: Natasha!
NATASHA: Mother!
BORIS: In law!
HOWARD: Where is your hat?
OLGA: I never wear hat!
BORIS: Oh no!
NATASHA: (to BORIS) Your mother is here too.
HOWARD: I don’t get it.
BORIS: In Potsylvania all mother look same.
OLGA: I am Olga, mother of Natasha.
HOWARD: Your name is Olga too.
NATASHA: In Potsylvania all mothers named Olga.
ELEVEN: I’m Eleven.
OLGA crosses to ELEVEN.
OLGA: Is this what is mean by expression, “Keeping on the right track?”
BORIS: Oh, Boy.
NATASHA: You can say that again.
BORIS: Oh, boy.
SOUND: Song of the Volga Boatmen.
LIGHTS: Fade to black.