42
A MIDDLE SCHOOL STORY
a new musical
CAST OF CHARACTERS
ALL CHARACTERS age 13 or under
except RA RELAY
BOYS
1. ALBERT LIST-12, new sixth grader at Wonder Middle School.
2. R.A. RELAY- Vice Principal WMS. Fast talking the rule man, the voice on the PA, the enforcer.
3. GEORGE SIDWELL– 14, he leader of the jock type cool boys. Not smart, but smooth in the ways of women.
4. DILL – [Bernie Dillman] 14, eighth grader, loves a little mischief,.
5. FREEZE- 13, seventh grade, a good athlete, Calm and faithful friend, “the rock”.
6.
7. ANTHONY ROMERO- 12, new seventh grader, is high strung, nervous, unsure,.
8. STEVEY SIMON-11 eighth grade, genius, high energy, gerbil.
9. BARNABY MARKS- 12, seventh grade. Goth type. Very independent,. Kind to all, peace loving. Spunky.
10. SKOOTCH HENRY- 13, eighth grader, a bit self-conscious.
11. SPIDERMAN – yes, that Spidey, the one and only arachnid superhero.
12. JAMES– the janitor. He is an ever-present spirit, passing through at both opportune and inopportune moments.
GIRLS
1. MARVA LIST- 13, Albert’s sister, eighth grade. Not in main clique. Best friends with Olivia.
2. CHERRI BLANK [pronounced Blonk] – 13, eighth grader, the queen bee. Cherri reigns supreme over the other girls and weakens their friendships with others.
3. DEVON– “the diva”, eighth grader, Cherri’s sidekick, second in command, orange hair, not smart,.
4. PAGE WHITE- new sixth grader, but in the clique, cheerleader. Has a little spunk and doesn’t always conform exactly.
5. COURTNEY CLEMENS- 12, pretty, in the clique just because of her mother is good friends with Cherri’s.
6. OLIVIA – 12, marginal member of the Cherri girls. , Would kill to be more accepted by them.
7. MAGGIE -. 12, New seventh grader. innocent and clueless. open, naïve,
8. HALEY JONES-eighth grade --president of student council and everything else. All American, prep.
9. MARIA GOLDFARB – 12, new sixth grader at WMS, neurotic; afraid of the ghost of Jamison Crabtree.
10. MAXINE SILVER- 13, a Goth type. Hangs with Barnaby and Skooch , into the occult.
A C T I
Scene 1
SETTING: 7:00 am. ALBERT LIST at the breakfast table, the first day of middle school.
AT RISE: FULL CAST enters and assembles as music vamps. ALBERT and MARVA are occupying a space somewhere downstage.
GEORGE
once upon a day
an unassuming regular normal kind of day
there was a boy …………………and his sister
ALBERT
But it’s just a T shirt.
MARVA
Doesn’t matter. They’ll still think you’re a Goth.
ALBERT
Goth?
MARVA
The kids that wear all black and look like they’ve never ever been in the sun? Everyone’ll think you’re one of them. The next thing you know you’ll be reading Anne Rice and burning black candles alone in your room.
ALBERT
But it’s just a T shirt.
MARVA
Wait a minute, that’s not who I think it is on the back, is it?
ALBERT
Um, what do you mean?
MARVA
It is! Albert, you can’t wear Spiderman to school.
ALBERT
But it’s my good luck shirt. I won the Wonder township ping-pong tournament in this shirt last year.
MARVA
Don’t ever give anyone any reason to single you out, especially on the first day of school. You are what you wear, Albert.
ALBERT
But it’s just a T shirt.
MARVA
It’s your funeral.
ALBERT
I’m more nervous about finding my homeroom. What if I get lost?
[OLIVIA enters, ready for school.]
OLIVIA
Oh, you definitely will. I got totally lost on my first day and then I went to the wrong room. And boy was that the wrong room. I ended up in the basement, near room B-102. Just pray you don’t end up down there.
ALBERT
Why?
FREEZE/GEORGE /ANTHONY / HALEY/MAGGIE
once upon a school
an ordinary mediocre middle kind of school
EXCEPT FOR ONE THING…..ONE little THING
MARVA
That basement’s creepy and deserted and, it’s like there’s this cold draft down there all the time. B-102 used to be the classroom of Edwina Snitch, the English teacher. She looked like a zombie. Like this. [Imitating the stare.]
OLIVIA
And she picked on the shy kids that never raised their hands. And if they didn’t get the answer right, they say she had a voodoo doll and she used to stick pins in it.
ALBERT
Oh, come on, Olivia.
MARVA
Really. Sally Woods said that she heard that a long time ago, this one kid, Jamison Crabtree, broke out in this incurable rash one night, just from the stress, and had to leave school.
ALBERT
You’re both trying to scare me.
MARVA
No, we’re trying to prepare you.
OLIVIA
Tell him about the boys.
MARVA
Just about every teacher hates the boys. But they’re nothing compared to the girls. They’re the ones that should scare you.
ALBERT
Why?
MARVA
They’re evil.
OLIVIA
No they’re not. They’re just bigger than life. And they wear tight sweaters. Let’s go, we’re going to be late.
ALBERT
Tight sweaters?
MARVA
I’m worried about you, Albert. They can be really cruel, especially Cherri Blank. Stay out of her radar.
ALL
once upon a Boy
a very nice, smart next- door -neighbor kind of boy
stepped through a door
and started a story
a middle school story
sit back and listen to A middle school story
a cast of characters you may recognize
queen bees and mean girls and tough kids and small fries
which will you be
what will you do inside this middle school story
will you know what is true and what is a lie
will you stand tough, albert, will you survive
no guts, no glory
you are the star this is your middle school story
no way around it so you have to go through
Bite off and chew, albert
this is your debut
this is your debut
this is your debut
[Lights out.]
ACT I
Scene 2
SETTING: 8 am. One of the many long hallways with many identical doors at Wonder Middle School.
AT RISE: ALBERT enters. The school bell rings. The KIDS stream in, in three waves, from different directions practically knocking him over. He is turned around and around and around. He loses his balance and his backpack in the confusion. ALBERT is out on the ground. JAMES walks in sweeping, but really checking ALBERT out. He holds a vial of something that smells nasty to ALBERT’S nose. ALBERT comes to, coughing and mumbling as he sits up to regroup.]
ALBERT
Uhhghg. What’s that smell?
JAMES
It’s tincture of sweaty gym sock laced with essence of mildew. My own special recipe.
ALBERT
Blech!
JAMES
It works every time. There’s always some poor clueless seventh grader fainting out here on the first day of school.
ALBERT
I didn’t faint, I was pummeled from all sides and knocked unconscious.
JAMES
Welcome to Wonder Middle School, lad. Proud home of the student stampede.
[We hear the voice of RELAY from off.]
RELAY
Ah, very good. Glad you could make it, Stevey. Take this down, will you?
JAMES
See you around. [He exits.]
[RELAY, the Vice Principal enters with STEVEY SIMON. RELAY dictates from a large clipboard, STEVEY uses his palm pilot.]
RELAY
“Disciplinary action may include a warning, conference, corporal punishment, in-school suspension, out-of-school suspension, and/or recommendation for expulsion. Before and after school detention may be assigned and parents are responsible for transportation. Fighting or any kind of inappropriate physical contact is not allowed.” Did you get all that Stevey?
STEVEY
Yes, Mr. Relay. I’ll go and enter this data right away.
RELAY
Good, and then right to class. I don’t want you missing on your first day. [STEVEY begins exit.] Oh, and Stevey, go right to your class, do not forget the time and start flashing the bios or tweaking the registry or anything like that today.
STEVEY
Okay, I’ll---I’ll try not to, sir. [He exits.]
RELAY
[Seeing ALBERT.] What are you doing there young man? Are you loitering? Any student caught loitering in the halls must produce a pink hallway pass given to him by his subject teacher during that period.
ALBERT
I don’t think I’m loitering sir.
RELAY
Well, it certainly looks like loitering to me. Let’s see, “Loitering: lollygagging, lingering, loafing, lurking”…though lurking does have a negative connotation. You’re not lurking are you? You don’t appear to be lurking.
ALBERT
No, I’m definitely not lurking, sir.
RELAY
Loafing, then or lollygagging. It’s got to be one of those. Which is it?
ALBERT
I’m not lollygagging or loafing. I’m dizzy and I just sat down here to get my bearings.
RELAY
Let’s see here, dizzy, dizzy dizzy. Ah,yes! Lightheaded, giddy, featherbrained, frivolous, suffering from vertigo, woozy. Any student found dizzy in the hallway should produce a red hallway pass given to him by the vice principal. And where is your pass?
ALBERT
I don’t have one. I never heard of a hall pass for being dizzy before.
RELAY
Of course you haven’t. It’s a brand new rule this year. As the vice principal, I make all the regulations here and that is one of the new ones. Here it is, Rule number 107 d. Dizzy students require a red pass.
ALBERT
If you’re the Vice Principal, then you should be the one giving me the pass. Isn’t that what you just read?
RELAY
[Writing a pass.] That’s very true. Very good, young man. You’re not as featherbrained as you appear. Name.
ALBERT
Albert List.
RELAY
Grade.
ALBERT
Sixth.
RELAY
Homeroom and teacher.
ALBERT
I don’t know. I’m new. And I don’t know where my homeroom is.
RELAY
Why didn’t you say so? That information is your purple folder. It’s listed on your yellow sheet which is right next to the orange locker assignment sheet, which is next to the blue student information form. All of which are in your purple folder.
ALBERT
But, I never got a purple folder.
RELAY
Never got a purple folder? Let’s see; [Reading.] Any student not having a purple folder should report immediately to their homeroom.
ALBERT
But--
RELAY
There it is, then. Problem solved. All you have to do is go straight to your homeroom. Now if you’ve no further questions, it’s nine o’clock. Someone somewhere is bound to be needing a detention by now.
ALBERT
But, I don’t know where it is.
RELAY
Not to worry, there’s a map in the folder too, Mr. List. And the official student rulebook. We here at Wonder Middle try to think of everything. Now I must go. I’m sure I’ll see you in detention someday. Oh, and nice T-shirt. [Smirking as he exits.]
ALBERT
Okay, no reason to panic. It’s my first day, I am only fifteen minutes late for my first class ever in middle school and I have no idea where my homeroom is. Or what any of the rules are.
[ENTER CHERRI and her sidekicks, DEVON, COURTNEY and PAGE. They travel as one unit, shuffling and sticking together as a many legged and armed crablike creature, which they are.]
CHERRI
[Exaggerated.] Just don’t end up anywhere near room B-102. It’s haunted down there.
[They are trying to scare him.]
COURTNEY
Yeah. Haunted by Edwina Snitch.
ALBERT
The basement Voodoo zombie?
DEVON
Yeah, like I heard she scared this kid so bad, like he had a heart attack and like died.
PAGE
His name was Jamison Crabtree and he died of fright.
COURTNEY
And he was buried under the football field. On the home team side at the 45 yard line.
CHERRI
And now, Jamison Crabtree’s ghost sometimes comes back to the basement looking for Miss Snitch.
ALBERT
My sister said it was a just case of a nervous rash.
CHERRI
Who’s your sister?
ALBERT
Marva. Marva List.
[CHERRI looks at her girls with a knowing look. DEVON. Then they all look at ALBERT. ]
ALBERT
What?
PAGE
Obviously, your sister got it wrong.
COURTNEY
She always gets it wrong.
DEVON
Wrong, wrong, wrong.
CHERRI
Right. And do you know why she gets it wrong, little brother?
ALBERT
No.
CHERRI
Because I say she has it wrong. Right, girls?
GIRLS
Right. She’s wrong.
DEVON
Around here, if like, Cherri doesn’t know about it, it like never happened.
COURTNEY
Never happened.
CHERRI
So, are you as big a tattletale as Marva?
ALBERT
She’s not a tattletale
PAGE
Yes, she is. She told on Cherri last year for passing a note and Mr. Nehran gave us all detention.
ALBERT
What did the note say?
CHERRI
There was no note, numb brain. Miss ‘Marveliss’ made it up.
ALBERT
Why would she do that?
PAGE
Because Cherri told everyone that Marva was having a birthday party and that she, Cherri, wasn’t invited.
ALBERT
But Marva didn’t have a birthday party this year.
DEVON
Right. Because she knew that if she did, like, no one would come, because Cherri like told them not to.
ALBERT
But why did Cherri tell them not to come to a non-existent party?
COURTNEY
Numb brain! She had to tell people that. Just in case Marva did have a party and she didn’t invite Cherri, which she wouldn’t. Cherri and Marva hate each other.
CHERRI
My mother says she’s just jealous of me.
DEVON
The point is, she like got us all in trouble.
CHERRI
And we don’t tolerate girls who like, betray us, do we?
ALBERT
What are you going to do, send out a hit girl to terminate her?
CHERRI
Not quite, but she has to be made to suffer like we had to suffer. And the only way to do that is payback.
A lie for a LIE, A bruise for a bruise
Spit out the cruel words or they’ll come flying at you
So, it’s trash or be trashed
And throw or be thrown
Don’t be the one who’s left to lick her wounds all alone
Dirty looks like weapons of war
Pain she can never prepare for
Stab or be stabbed, Drop or be dropped
Watch a seed you planted grow too big to be stopped
Stone or be stoned
Tear or be torn
Do it well and make her wish she’d never been born