Active Listening

We were given two ears but only one mouth because listening is twice as hard as talking.

Listening is one of the most important skills you have. How well you listen has a major impact on your job effectiveness and on the quality of the relationships with others. In communication, a message is sent via verbal or non-verbal. When the other person receives the message they go through the process of decoding or interpreting it into understanding and meaning. Effective communication between two people exists when the receiver interprets and understands the sender’s message in the same way the sender intended it.

·  We listen to obtain information

·  We listen to understand

·  We listen for enjoyment

·  We listen to learn

Humans, for the most part, are not effective listeners. Depending on the study being quoted, we remember only 25 – 50% of what we hear. That means that if you talk to a boss, co-worker or friend for 10 minutes, they really only hear about 2 ½ to 5 minutes of the conversation.

Sources of Difficulty by the Speaker:

·  voice volume too low to be heard

·  making the message too complex

·  getting lost

·  body language contradicting or interfering with the verbal message

·  paying too much attention to how the other person is taking the message

·  using a unique code or unconventional method for delivering the message

Sources of Difficulty by the Listener:

·  being preoccupied

·  being so interested in what you have to say that you listen only to find an opening to take the floor

·  Formulating your own rebuttal to what the speaker is saying

·  Evaluating or making judgments about the speaker

·  Not asking for clarification when you do not understand.

The three primary listening modes are:

Competitive or Combative Listening:

This happens when we are more interested in promoting our own point of view than in understanding or exploring someone else’s point of view. We listen for openings to take the floor or for flaws in weak points that we can attack. We pretend to pay attention while actually impatiently waiting for an opening.

Passive or Attentive Listening:

This happens when we are genuinely interested in hearing and understanding the other person’s point of view. We are attentive and passively listen. We assume that what we heard is correct but we stay passive and do not verify it.

Active or Reflective Listening:

This is the single most useful and important listening skill. In active listening we are also genuinely interested in understanding what the other person is thinking, feeling, wanting or what the message means. We are active in our understanding before we respond with our new message. We restate or paraphrase our understanding of their message and reflect it back to the sender for verification. The verification or feedback process is what distinguishes active listening and makes it effective.

Listening effectively can be difficult because people vary in their communication skills and in how clearly they express themselves. The different types of interaction or levels of communication also add to the difficulty. The four different levels of communication are:

·  clichés

·  facts

·  thoughts and beliefs

·  feelings and emotions

As listeners, we attend to the level that we think is most important. Failing to recognize the level most important to the speaker can lead to a kind of crossed wires, where the two people are not on the same wavelength. The purpose of the contact and the nature of the relationship with the person will usually determine what level or levels are appropriate.

There is a distinction between hearing the words and listening for the message.

Listening Tips:

·  It is important to paraphrase and use your own words in verbalizing your understanding of the message. Parroting back the words does not ensure accurate understanding of the message.

·  Don’t respond to just the meaning of words, look for the feelings or intent beyond the words

·  Use eye contact and listening body language. Face and lean toward the speaker. Be careful about crossing your arms and appearing closed or critical.

There are five key elements of active listening. They help ensure that you hear the other person and the speaker knows that you are hearing what they are saying.

·  Pay attention : Give the speaker your undivided attention. Look at the speaker directly. Put aside distracting thoughts. Avoid being distracted by environmental factors. Refrain from side conversations when listening in a group setting.

·  Show that you are listening: Use your own body language to convey your attention. Nod occasionally, smile and use other facial expressions. Note your posture and make sure that it is open.

·  Provide feedback: Our personal filters can distort what we hear. As a listener your role is to understand what is being said. This may require you to reflect on what is being said and ask questions.

·  Defer judgment: Interrupting is a waste of time. It frustrates the speaker and limits full understanding of the message.

·  Respond appropriately: You add nothing by attacking the speaker or otherwise putting them down.