Oliver Cromwell and the Boys
OLIVER CROMWELL
AND THE BOYS,
or No Mince Pies
— a musical
by Daniel Curzon and Dan Turner
CHARACTERS: (doubling is possible in minor roles; 15 for cast)
JOSHUA HALSTEAD, 40s, a Puritan
manufacturer of firearms
RUTH HALSTEAD, 40s, his wife
SETH HALSTEAD, 20, their son
JUDITH HALSTEAD, 17, their
daughter
KING CHARLES I, 40s, the king of
England
OLIVER CROMWELL, 40s, leader of
the Puritans and then Lord Protector
Counselor
Lord Burleigh, an economic adviser to
the king
Executioner
French Director
Inventor
Attendants, Aides
Adulterous Wife
Her Husband
Heretic
Three Irish Prisoners
Citizens as Chorus
SETTING: In and around London, 1648. One platform to serve as scaffold.
ACT I, SCENE 1
(The HALSTEAD family is kneeling in prayer in the king’s garden as the play begins.)
(They sing:)
A PURITAN PRAYER
Lord, if Thou care,
Please hear our prayer.
Look to Thy simple folk.
And ease the tyrant’s yoke.
Lord of this sphere,
We are sincere.
Since we are mild,
We are reviled
Every day . . .
Take all our burdens away.
God, though they fault us,
God, won’t Thou lift and exalt us!
Now that —
Blood has been shed,
Mercy is dead,
Swords of the king unsheathed —
Thy faithful barely breathe.
Hear our request.
They have transgressed.
If it’s thy will
That we be killed
Any hour . . .
Then we shall kneel to Thy power.
God, though they fault us,
God, won’t Thou lift and exalt us!
One sweet day . . .
(The family rises.)
JOSHUA Now, remember, we
mustn’t scrape and bow to
him just because he’s a
king! Let’s speak right up.
Once he realizes we’ve
come all this way to see
him in person, I’m sure
he’ll give me my business
back.
JUDITH I hope you’re right, Father.
SETH He can’t go on persecuting
us like this. It’s not right!
RUTH Dear Lord, thank you for
my husband and my
children! . . . Shall we call
to the king now? He may
not know we’re here.
SETH What if he doesn’t like
what we say and decides
to punish us, or even kill
us?
(Flamboyant KING CHARLES enters with a short whip, wearing a hawking band on his arm and looking for his hawk in the sky when he stumbles across the HALSTEADS.)
KING
CHARLES What’s this we see?
Puritans in our garden!
Get out! Get out of our
private garden!
(He snaps the whip at them.)
JOSHUA But this is public land,
Sire. This isn’t your
garden!
KING
CHARLES All of England is our
garden. Out with you!
JOSHUA Your Majesty, we are your
subjects. We are loyal to
the king!
KING
CHARLES Why do you tell us the
obvious?
JOSHUA We fear your wrath, yet we
must speak!
KING
CHARLES Just one bit of advice: if
you can’t say something
nice with your tongues,
then don’t stick them out at
all!
RUTH Your Majesty, we are
simple, plain folk. Have
you no place in your heart
for us?
KING
CHARLES Probably not! (taking it
back) Oh, we suppose we
do! Our heart is as big as
our empire.
RUTH Then will you listen to our
petition?
KING
CHARLES Well, since we’re here! We
do try. We’re not trying to
be a bad king, God knows.
RUTH I’m sure that God knows,
Sire.
KING
CHARLES Well, what is it you want
to say? We were testing
our new hawk, and we’d
like to get back to it before
it dies of old age. Where
has it flown to? (He looks
around.) Well, what is it?
(JOSHUA is a bit tongue-tied.)
RUTH It’s my husband, Your
Majesty. His manufactur-
ing business is in danger
because you have given a
monopoly to one of your
favorites.
KING
CHARLES So?
RUTH We cannot make a decent
living if you will not let
him manufacture his
goods!
KING
CHARLES Well, our friends at court
have to make a living too,
you know! Nag! Nag!
After a while, you have to
give them something!
RUTH But, Sire, it isn’t fair to
give something to a few
people. That way you have
only the very rich and the
very poor.
KING
CHARLES We know, we know! It’s
not what we’d like, believe
us. We hate seeing beggars
sticking out their runty
little hands near the palace. Do you know that they actually
steal meat from our hounds!
SETH Don’t ruin my father just to help your friends. Help us, Your Majesty, please!
JUDITH We pray that you will help us.
(She falls to her knees. Then the other three kneel.)
KING
CHARLES Oh, get up! You don’t have to pray to us. We have the divine right, of course, but
we’re not divine ourselves. Not bad, just not divine! This all seems very irregular,
we must say. Common folk petitioning us! We don’t know how to handle this, and
we’re not afraid to say so, either!
SETH Isn’t there something you can do?
KING
CHARLES We’ll take it up with Parliament.
SETH But you’re not talking to Parliament. At least that’s what we’ve heard.
KING
CHARLES Oh, that’s right! Yes, they can sit on their rumps until they get bumps. Or turn to
stumps. Or get the mumps! . . . They’re nothing but frumps! Hey, we rather like that
— it’s poetry, don’t you think?
JOSHUA (pressing: on) I wrote your majesty a letter, but I got no reply.
KING
CHARLES Do tell! You can’t expect us to sit around reading letters all day, can you? Do
something we can understand!
JOSHUA Like what?
KING
CHARLES Well, don’t nag — that’s the first thing! Tell us a joke — and maybe we’ll make you
a knight, if we crack a rib laughing.
JOSHUA I’m afraid I don’t know any jokes.
KING
CHARLES How dreary. Can’t you at least try?
SETH Did you hear the one about the king and his spaniel?
KING
CHARLES We don’t think we’re going to be amused by that one! Have you others? (The
HALSTEADS confer, but cannot come up with a joke.) Not a single joke among
you? Oh, these Puritans! No wonder we have so few of you around. Well, tell us
some good news then. Have we defeated Spain or anybody lately?
JOSHUA I’m not sure, Your Majesty.
KING
CHARLES How about some gossip then?
JOSHUA About whom, Sire?
KING
CHARLES Anybody! How about one of our mistresses?
JOSHUA I’m afraid I’m very far from the court, Your Majesty.
KING
CHARLES (to RUTH) How about you? Know any good morsels? About our wife?
RUTH I couldn’t say even if I knew, Your Majesty.
KING
CHARLES What a bunch of good-goodies! Here you are expecting favors from our largesse,
and what do you give in return?
SETH We pay high taxes.
KING
CHARLES Don’t start on that. Just don’t start!
JUDITH My father and mother work very hard. They help make England rich.
KING
CHARLES (bowing) England thanks you!
JUDITH Then you’ll stop the monopoly so my father can go to work again?
KING
CHARLES We simply can’t have all this familiarity! You’re not treating us like your monarch.
We’re not your chum!
JOSHUA What would you have us do, Sire?
KING
CHARLES Flatter us or something!
JOSHUA Flatter you?
KING
CHARLES We shouldn’t have to ask! Try it! Some people like to flatter, you know. (The
HALSTEADS confer, trying hard to come up with a compliment.) Well, it can’t be
that hard to find one little compliment!
(The HALSTEADS separate, with JOSHUA getting ready to give a compliment.)
JOSHUA Your Majesty!
KING
CHARLES (pretending he doesn’t know what’s coming) Yes?
JOSHUA Here’s a compliment for you.
KING
CHARLES For us? Oh, you shouldn’t have! What is it?
JOSHUA (hesitantly) We think . . . that you are . . .
KING
CHARLES Go on, go on.
JOSHUA . . . are . . .
KING
CHARLES We’re waiting!
JUDITH (taking over) We think you’re the greatest king we’ve ever had . . . since . . .
KING
CHARLES Oh, really? Since when?
JUDITH (awkwardly) Since the last king.
KING
CHARLES Is that the best you can do?
SETH Let me try.
KING
CHARLES Our patience is not infinite!
SETH Well, you’re one of the tallest kings England has ever had. And you have more
hawks and hounds than any other king. And you’re —
KING
CHARLES Young fellow, we’re afraid you’re not getting the hang of it.
JOSHUA Your Majesty, please don’t make us flatter you. We’re not used to it.
KING
CHARLES You people wouldn’t last one day at court!
JOSHUA (some anger creeping in) Perhaps we were not made to cringe and flatter, sir!
KING
CHARLES Heigh ho, what’s this we spy! A peasant angry with his king?
JOSHUA I’m not a peasant. I’m a burgher, and a man of some accomplishment!
KING
CHARLES You don’t say! A burgher! (snickers)
JOSHUA I merely want to be able to practice my business and my faith without interference.
Is that too much to ask?
KING
CHARLES Probably!
JOSHUA At least give us religious freedom! We don’t need priests and bishops. Let us
worship as we see fit!
KING
CHARLES What do you think would happen to our realm if we let everybody worship any way
they wanted to? We’d have chaos! Anabaptists and Papists and atheists underfoot
everywhere you looked! If the Church of England is good enough for us, then it’s
good enough for you!
RUTH But the doctrines of the Church of England have been corrupted.
KING
CHARLES Bite your tongue, woman! Who are you to say? Who are any of you to say?
RUTH We must go by our consciences. That’s all we know.
JOSHUA We are not Papists and atheists. We’re good, decent Protestants to the core!
KING
CHARLES We’re a Protestant, you’re Protestants. Why can’t we just let it go at that?
JOSHUA It’s a matter of our souls!
KING
CHARLES Can’t you bend a little bit? A teensy-weensy?
JOSHUA It’s something deep within.
KING
CHARLES That’s merely indigestion! We’re beginning to think this unscheduled royal
audience is over. (Threatens them with his whip.)
RUTH Oh, no, Sire!
KING
CHARLES Decisions! All the time decisions! Why us? We didn’t ask to be a king!
(He sings:)
ROYAL COMPLAYNTS
Noble vexations get no consolations.
We get no comfort, for we are a king.
Being mighty! Finding time for high tea!
We must worry all day long!
Drinking wassail in a drafty castle.
We are thankful we are strong!
Regal afflictions really are not fictions.
No one feels sorry, though we are oppressed.
Sometimes heads need offing! Then there’s siring offspring!
We must chat with those who bore!
Not temperamental, we’re monumental —
And endure the poor!
(The HALSTEADS sing:)
Royal misfortunes come in large proportions.
He gets no pity since he owns a throne.
Wearing tons of satin! Learning Greek and Latin!
He must wear that [his crown] on his head!
Not autocratic, just ‘ristocratic,
Waving till he’s dead! [CHARLES waves like a monarch.]
(KING CHARLES sings::)
Ah, ah! No one ever cares.
Ah, ah! No one knows the snares.
Ah, ah! No one ever shares
The sorrows of the well-born!
(The HALSTEADS sing, mocking him:)
Ah, ah! No one quite despairs.
Ah, ah! No one puts on airs.
Ah, ah! No one ever dares
Exactly like the well-born!
(KING CHARLES sings::)
Noble exertions lead to class aspersions.
Where is compassion for your wretched king?
JOSHUA It seems we all have our problems, Your Majesty. Do you think you might do
something for us now?
KING
CHARLES No! Get away! There’s nothing we can do! Get out! (He chases them away with the
whip.) Here, hawk! Where is that foul fowl!
(KING CHARLES exits, looking for the hawk.)
SCENE 2
RUTH Tired, dear? (JOSHUA nods.) We’re almost home.
JOSHUA I don’t think I have the strength. (He sits down, melancholy.)
RUTH Of course you do! (Sits beside him, comforting him.)
JOSHUA What’s the use?
RUTH Now that’s no way to talk. It’s just a temporary setback. The Lord is on our side,
so we’ll have to win eventually.
JOSHUA Do you really think so?
RUTH Certainly.
JOSHUA (hugging her) You’re a wonderful woman, Ruth. I don’t know what I’d do without
you.
RUTH To be honest, I don’t know, either!
JOSHUA You’ve been my rod and my staff.
RUTH We’ve both been lucky. Think of all our friends — arguing night and day —
but we’ve been together for twenty-one years with no disputes.
JOSHUA It seems like only a few months.
RUTH Now you don’t have to flatter me. After all, we are not the king! (Strikes a pose
mocking King Charles.)
JOSHUA I’m telling God’s own truth, my darling wife!
RUTH Oh, you’re so good, Joshua. (Pecks him on the cheek.)
JOSHUA We can do better than that. (Takes her in his arms and kisses her fully.)