Defects of Thought

Defects of thought

Selfishness / Self-centred thinking / Self-seeking / Fear / Dishonesty
In other words:
(1) Putting yourself ahead of other people
(2) Not caring about other people
(3) Unkind thoughts about those that threaten or hurt us / What you think about yourself / Thinking about what you
(1) want to get
(2) have lost
(3) are afraid of not getting
(4) are afraid of losing / Write what the specific fear is, e.g. "fear of failure"
NB fear also manifests as or leads to: / This also includes the forms of distorted thinking
For example: / For example: / For example: / For example:
Contempt
Criticising
Hatred
Indifference
Intolerance
Judging
Mercilessness
Scorn
Selfishness
'Special & different'[1] / Arrogance
Beating yourself up
Defensiveness
Guilt
Hypersensitivity
Lack of self-evaluation
Self-centredness
Self-consciousness
Self-doubt
Self-importance
Self-justification
Self-obsession
Self-righteousness
Self-satisfaction
Sense of fraudulence
Shame / Bitterness/self-pity
Blame
Envy
Expectation
Greed/gluttony
Impatience
Jealousy
Obsessing
Over-ambition
Over-analysing
Perfectionism
Zero–sum thinking[2] / Anxiety
Indecision
Inflexibility
Mistrust
Pessimism
Projection
Resistance to change
Rigidity
Suspicion
Worry / Lying
Distorting
Withholding the truth
Believing feelings
Black-and-white thinking
Denial
Despair
Embellishment
Exaggeration
Fantasy
Generalisation
Gullibility
Hypocrisy
Irrationality
Lack of perspective
Lack of proportion
Negativity
Nostalgia
Tunnel-vision

Defects of behaviour

Resentment leads to: / Selfishness leads to: / Self-seeking leads to: / Self-centeredness leads to: / Dishonesty leads to: / Fear leads to:
Bad-temperedness
Bitching
Brusqueness
Bullying
Coldness
Complaining
Criticising
Impoliteness
Malice
Patronisation
Physical violence
Provocation
Punishing
Retaliation
Sarcasm
Scaring people
Shaming people
Verbal abuse / Arguing
Dismissing people
Dominating conversations
Gossiping
Ignoring people
Impatience
Inconsistency
Indifference/apathy in dealings with others
Inflexibility
Indiscretion
Lack of discipline
Neglect
Not listening
Saying 'no' too often
Stealing other people's crises and making them your own
Taking people for granted
Withdrawing
Withholding yourself / With other people:
Charm
Choosing chaos
Complying just to gain approval
Controlling
Fixing
Flattery
Focusing on people who don't like you
Giving people attention only when they ignore you
Giving to get
Graciousness
Ingratiation
Interfering
Making (excessive) demands
Managing situations
Manipulation
Martyrdom
Mothering
Pulling rank
Stealing
General
Imbalance between different areas of life
Overeating
Overspending
Overworking / Attention-seeking
Being different to gain an identity
Boasting
Defensiveness
Exhibitionism
Fishing for compliments
Fitting in to gain an identity
Inappropriate self-expression
Self-justification
Showing off / Concealing the truth
Distortion
Lying
Recklessness
Repeating mistakes and expecting different results
Sticking your head in the sand
Secretiveness / Avoiding intimacy
Avoiding amends
Choosing short-term gain over long-term pain
Compulsive busyness
Duvet-diving
Fire-fighting (only dealing with the urgent)
Inaction
Isolating
Monkey-mind (mental restlessness)
Not asking for help
Not playing enough
Not resting
Not setting boundaries
Not spending enough
Not working enough
Over-dependence
Procrastination
Rearranging the deckchairs on the Titanic
Saying 'yes' too often
Self-neglect
Sloth
Stewing

Steps Six and Seven (Joe)

The greatest resentments we have show the greatest assets in ourselves we are holding on to. Until we let go of these assets (i.e. our attachment to them), we will never let go of the resentment.

When old habits come up, we are faced with a decision in Step Seven: go down the old path of selfishness, self-seeking, dishonesty, and resentment or go down the new path of trusting in God and laughing it off—seeing where others may be right.

As with Jim's story ("That didn't seem to bother me so I tried another,") we will only seek God's help when the defect really starts to bother us.

12x12 (p. 72–73): "We had lacked the perspective to see that character-building and spiritual values had to come first . . . But whenever we had to choose between character and comfort, the character-building was lost in the dust of our chase after what we thought was happiness."

How these defects really start to bother us is when we see that the harm we do to others is harm we do to ourselves because we are them and they are us. Once that realization penetrates, there is no way we CAN break 'the commandments' as we cannot harm ourselves.

Our obedience is to the unenforceable: it is our knowledge of the wages of resentment etc. that ultimately prompts enforcement. There is no external agent.

The laws of the universe that dictate that whatever harm we do to others we do to ourselves are impersonal.

Gravity affects everyone the same way. It also needs no police.

There is no "other": they are me and I am them. The way I see them is the way they will see me.

Steps Six and Seven (Lauren)

Steps Four and Five are about uncovering what is 'objectionable'.

What we have found is not yet a defect: everything is going to come round again, and we will be given the opportunity to repeat everything we have got wrong. If we do it again, it THEN becomes a defect.

In Steps Six and Seven, God does the heavy lifting.

In the moment of temptation, ask God: "I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows." Keyword: NOW. Ask to be shown another way IN THE MOMENT. You only have to be willing NOW, i.e. not in advance! The short form: "show me a different way/show me a new way."

An exercise:

With each thinking/behaviour pattern:

(1) How has this protected me? (I.e. what am I after?/What am I trying to avoid?)

(2) If I continue to do this, how will it affect my life?

(3) How would my life be different if I let go of this?

ALL I have to do is be aware and take it to God: offer every defect up to God.

A Step Six willingness inventory

. . . we then look at Step Six. We have emphasized willingness as being indispensable. Are we now ready to let God remove from us all the things which we have admitted are objectionable? Can He now take them all every one? If we still cling to something we will not let go, we ask God to help us be willing. (76:1, 'Alcoholics Anonymous')

Steps Seven to Twelve solve alcoholism by shifting the focus from my welfare and others' conduct onto my conduct and others' welfare, starting from Step Seven:

When ready, we say something like this: "My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding. Amen." We have now completed Step Seven. (76:2)

The inventory is done. The confession is done. No further analysis of self is needed.

What is needed now is action to abandon self. That requires willingness and only willingness. I cannot change myself. I can, however, take action that clears the way for God to change me. This is why willingness is indispensible.

The following passages and associated questions aim to tease out whether the individual (me or someone I am sponsoring) is or is not willing to have God remove the problem—self-centredness.

For if an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he could not survive the certain trials and low spots ahead. If he did not work, he would surely drink again, and if he drank, he would surely die. Then faith would be dead indeed. With us it is just like that. My wife and I abandoned ourselves with enthusiasm to the idea of helping other alcoholics to a solution of their problems. (14:6 et seq.)

Simple but not easy; a price had to be paid. It meant destruction of self-centeredness. I must turn in all things to the Father of Light who presides over us all. (14:1)

Ideas, emotions, and attitudes which were once the guiding forces of the lives of these men are suddenly cast to one side, and a completely new set of conceptions and motives begin to dominate them. (27:4)

At some of these we balked. We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely. (58:3)

Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it will kill us! God makes that possible. And there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without His aid. Many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but we could not live up to them even though we would have liked to. Neither could we reduce our self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on our own power. We had to have God's help. (62:2)

But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harbouring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die.

If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be dubious luxury of normal men, but for the alcoholics, these things are poison. (66:1–2)

To get over drinking will require a transformation of thought and attitude. We all had to place recovery above everything, for without recovery we would have lost both home and business. (143:1)

1.  Do I believe I will die if I remain trapped in self-centredness?

2.  Am I willing, without reservation, to jettison every idea, emotion, and attitude that my Steps Four and Five have shown to be the cause of my ruin, both drunk and sober?

3.  Am I willing, without reservation, to forgive everyone for everything, knowing that my anger will kill me if I don't?

4.  Must I be rid of my self-centredness at all costs?

5.  Am I willing, without reservation, to turn to God in all matters at all times?

6.  Am I willing, without reservation, to abandon myself, the way people abandon a sinking ship, with enthusiasm to work and self-sacrifice for others?

7.  Am I willing, without reservation, to place the actions of Steps Eight to Twelve above everything?

8.  Am I willing to focus solely on others' welfare and my conduct, leaving my welfare and others' conduct to God?

He should not be pushed or prodded by you, his wife, or his friends. If he is to find God, the desire must come from within. (95:3)

I cannot force anyone else's willingness or my own.

If I am unwilling, I need to look deep inside at my experience and face, fearlessly, the proposition that God is everything or God is nothing (53:2). There is no half-way house; there is no middle-of-the-road solution (25:3).

http://first164.blogspot.com/2011/04/step-six-willingness-inventory.html

Step 6 Question & Action Suggestions

Note: I’ve searched for Step 6 materials and found many similar things from a number of sources. This is a representative sample. I did variations on this with sponsors and have had sponsees use them as well. People may chose to do some or all of the suggestions.

Suggestion 1

v  Read the following: page 75 from the Big Book, last paragraph, to page 76, second paragraph; Big Book, the first page of "Freedom from Bondage" (pg 544, 4th Edition); Step 6 in both the AA & OA 12&12

v  Write about how you relate to the readings.

v  Willingness is the key to Step 6. After you read, discuss and reflect on these questions:

Are you willing to have your defects removed?

Or, if you’re not willing, are you willing to become willing?

Suggestion 2: Answer these questions after reading Step 6 in the OA 12 & 12:

1. What is the difference between saying I'm entirely ready and being entirely ready?

2. Why is it so hard to be entirely ready to part with my defects?

3. Am I fearful? Do I feel I would be less interesting as a human being without some of my defects?

4. What are the choice defects that I would rather keep?

5. What does being entirely ready mean to me?

6. What do each of my defects do for me?

7. What do each of my defects do to me?

8. How has each of these old tools for coping with my life outlived its usefulness?

9. What harm is it doing me to cling to each of these ways of thinkingand acting?

10. What do I believe is the essence of the sixth step?

11. What is my attitude regarding change?

Suggestion 3: Charting your character defects

Create a 5 column chart. Use the following headings then fill in the chart.

Column 1: Name character defect

Column 2: What does this defect so for you? How is it helping you?