You the Mama

Fences, part 2

FENCES, PART 2 Materials

Setting and Respecting Boundaries

(Follow up to Setting Up Fences)

Refreshments

Relationship Building Activity

In groups of four, each group with a sheet of flip chart paper and a marker. Remind students that everyone comes across situations in which they must say “no.” In order to have healthy relationships, we must refuse to allow others to hurt us, use us, or take things away from us. Each group lists as many emotions as they can think of that they experience when they are hurt or taken advantage of. Group with the most wins a prize. Display the papers.

Discussion

Review information on Personal Boundaries poster.

Ask the following questions and record responses on flip chart:

1. How do I make my boundaries known?

Tell other people.

-Be honest about what you like and don’t like.

-Tell what is important to you.

-Say “no” when others don’t respect your boundaries.

E.g. “I don’t like that. Please stop.”

“I’m not comfortable with this, You need to leave now.”

“No, you may not have that. It’s mine.”

“When you do that, it hurts. You need to stop.”

Leave or tell the other person to leave

-Leaving lets them know you are serious.

-Time away from the person helps you figure things out.

-Time apart helps other person decide whether he/she wants to respect you.

2. What keeps me from setting boundaries?

Fear

-of hurting or offending

-of appearing selfish

-of losing a friend

-of the other person’s anger

Guilt

-She’s been so nice to me; how can I say “no”?

Don’t know what normal boundaries are

Don’t know where to start

3. How can we deal with fear and guilt?

-Ask whether person treasures you or wants something from you.

-Remind yourself you are NOT hurting that person. You are only protecting what is yours. You are stopping that person from using and hurting you.

-Working toward a healthy relationship is a good thing.

4. How do I start setting boundaries?

-If you have no idea what normal boundaries are, talk to someone who can help you get started.

-Boundaries are personal. You decide. You decide who you are and what you want to protect.

-Start with one boundary and see how that works. With one success, you may try more.

Read and discuss following scenarios. Each is an example of a specific boundary not being respected:

Scenario 1 – What I own

Scenario 2 – My relationships

Scenario 3 – What I am responsible for

Scenario 4 – Who I am

Scenario 5 – We cannot set boundaries for others and they cannot set them for us. We cannot make others behave a certain way and they cannot make us behave a certain way either.

Scenario 1

Kim has not been paying her rent because she never has the money. John feels bad for her and has lent her the money twice. This month her lights and heating were turned off because she did not pay her electrical bill. She says that she does not want to pay for it because she wants to use the money to go to a concert. Kim still owes John the rent money. What should John do?

Scenario 2

Ann met the person that she thinks is perfect for her. Tom is funny. He is kind. He even looks great. They get along perfectly. Well, maybe too perfectly. Tom thinks this is all so perfect that all he wants to do is be with Ann. He hangs out at her place all the time. He wants to be with her wherever she goes. He gets mad when she wants to spend time with her other friends. It seems to Ann that he has no life of his own. Ann feels suffocated. What should she do? How can she tell him that he is suffocating her? Why does he seem to need her so badly?

Scenario 3

Sue and Scott have a twelve-month-old girl named Jessica. Jessica has an ear infection and the doctor gave Sue a prescription for antibiotics. Scott tells Sue that they have no coverage and they cannot afford the medication. He tells Sue not to get the antibiotics. What should Sue do?

Scenario 4

Heather’s parents gave her a crib for the new baby. It is a family heirloom and Heather is thrilled. Jared hates Heather’s parents and therefore says she may not use the crib. Jared does not have a job and he does not have any money. He says he would rather rob a bank than have his baby sleep in the crib given by Heather’s parents. Heather cries and tries to explain how important this crib is to her, but he will not change his mind. What should Heather do?

Scenario 5

Chad’s dad drinks a lot. Because of the drinking, his dad has lost his job and is very difficult to live with. Chad is tired of the trouble that alcohol has brought to their home. He has begged his dad to quit drinking, but it hasn’t made a difference. Now, whenever he gets a chance, he takes his dad’s booze and pours it down the kitchen sink. Is Chad doing the right thing? Why or why not?

Scenario 6

Give your own example of a time when your personal boundaries were not respected. What did you do? Was that a good way of dealing with the issue? Why or why not?

Wrap Up

Build on Fences, part 1 devotional. God wants us—invites us—to come into his “space.” His forgiveness enables us to have a personal relationship with him. Use “Your Most Important Relationship” or other tool to depict and explain the chasm of sin separating us from God and the cross that bridges that chasm.