Assertiveness at work
Yes / NoCan you do the following?
1. Ask people for help? 2. Readily admit mistakes? 3. Speak up at meetings? 4. Accept criticism? 5. Avoid being exploited or refuse a request? 6. Give honest feed back to a colleague? 7. Discuss your needs with the boss? 8. Accept a compliment about your work? 9. State your needs and feelings directly?
Yes / No
Yes / No
Yes / No
Yes / No
Yes / No
Yes / No
Yes / No
Yes / No
* Which of the above do you find most difficult?
* What might you do about this?
" No one can make you feel inferior without your consent". Elenor Roosevelt
Assertive behaviour
I am assertive in the following situations:
1)
2) 3)
I could do better in the following situations:
......
2)......
3)......
"A man who makes no mistakes does not make anything" Edward Phelps
. ASSERTIVE PHILOSOPHY
1. Each and every human being is entitled to dignity, respect and
courtesy.
2. Human adjustment requires that you stand up for your rights.
3.By not standing up for your rights, you are encouraging the other
person to continue treating you the same way, by reinforcing his
or her behavior.
4.If you do not exercise your rights, you cannot be resentful of
what other people do.
5.By not expressing yourself, you may be allowingthings to build
up inside which may result in an inappropriate and hurtful
response later.
6.It is unavoidable and undesirableto live your life without
hurting someone.
7.Being polite out of fear of being offensive and hidingone's
discontent with the situation or the behavior of the other is a
sure way of either destroying a relationship or of preventing
one from really forming.
8.Not letting others know how you feel and what you think is a
form of selfishness.
9.If you do not tell someone what you think, you are denying then
the opportunity to change.
10. Each person has a right to express him/herself as long as the rights of others are not violated.
11.Mentallyhealthy people stand up for their rights and are not ruledby the "Tyranny of the Shoulds" (AlbertEllistells you not to 'shouldall over yourself')
Assertiveness Training: Unasserted Situation
Assignment: Describe a situation in which you should have assert
tut you didn't.
Assertiveness Training
Name:
Date:
Counselor.
The words listed below
aggressive or assertive. Please
most characteristic of you. Next, write a
if you recognize which category different behaviors fall into.
describe types of behavior and attitudes that are either passive,
circle the words that apply to you to findout which behaviour is
"P", "Ag", or "A+" nest to every word on the list to see
angry
quiet
easy-going
people pleasing
argumentative
wishy-washy
rude intimidating
irrational apologetic
shy
confident
militant
pushy
insensitive
impulsive
nonverbal
selfish
loud
straight forward
submissive impatient bullying withdrawn
insulting
fair
blaming
doormat
concern for others
bossy
How to manage your time
Social
Spiritual
Chores
Money
Personal Development
1. Example of different options
Physical
Recovery
Family
Work
How do you presently use your time?
Fill in the blank circle below, listing the priorities you have
2. Your options
Recovery
Work
Family
Chores
Money
Physical
Spiritual
Social
Personal Development
Other?......
"Work is for people who don't know how to fish. " Anon
What Support Would Be Helpful ?
Tick below what specific support would be helpful to you. Where possible write the name of the person or organisation who could help.
Support recovery
Job leads
Other?
Use of computer
Get realistic feedback
Help in typing
Motivates me
Help keep me positive
" Two are better
. - than one; for if they fall, the one will lift up his fellows".
Ecclesiastes
Authority Issues
Goals: Participants will gain an understanding or the impact substance abuse has had on
their relationship with authority figures in past work and school experiences
Participants will increasetheir understanding of how to relate to authority figures in appropriate/healthy ways in recovery
Suggested Procedures:
Ask the group to share difficulties they have had with authority' figures in past work and school experiences, (write examples on board): Fear of people in authority, taking things personally, approval seeking behavior, poor boundaries, behaving arrogantly toward authority figures as a way of covering up feelings of inadequacy, tolerating abusive behavior, etc.
Stimulus questions:
What are productive ways to deal with authority as a sober person? (Open communications, establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries, assertiveness, the authority figures personality, management style, being flexible)
What problems can arise when we dont know how to deal with authority figures effectively? (chronic uncomfortablility, decreased chances for advancement, frustration, isolation, etc. (30 min. )
Read handout Tv^iHFj^a&H^rtlieeiJjfaEigwFes'' and discuss (20 min)
RECOVERING ervxpuo^egr
Ask group: What are steps you can take to improve your professional relationships with authority figures? (10 min)
RECOVERING EMPLOYEES
Adapted from" The Self Sabotage Syndrome" by Janet G. Woititz, Ed. D.
Much of the inner struggle that recovering people face in the workplace results from childhood myths. The myths had an effect on how they behaved and felt in the classroom during childhood and in adult life, the myths play themselves out in the work environment.
Myths are a part of a belief system, they substantiate our sense of who we are. The beliefs are internalized and are held onto both consciously and unconsciously. They are the result of childhood messages and unless challenged, they are believed well into adult life. Once these myths are challenged, there is a sense of disbelief, followed by relief that the baggage no longer has to be carried around but giving them up is not automatic. It requires hard work. Some popularly held myths include:
IF I DONT GET ALONG WITH MY BOSS, IT IS MY FAULT
There is something wrong with me if I cannot make this relationship go right. There is something wrong with me if my boss doesn't treat me the way I ought to be treated. There is something wrong with me if I cannot relate to my boss.
Then again, maybe it doesn't mean there is something wrong with you. Maybe there is simply something wrong, or maybe there is something wrong with your boss. The important question is, why, if you cannot
relate to your boss and you have tried every way you know how, do you stay? What keeps you stuck? Why not consider working someplace else? The decision to leave a bad situation does not automatically mean you have failed. Recognizing the breakdown of your working relationship may mean that you are beginning to take better care of yourself. There are many reasons why work situations might be undesirable. You may not get along with your boss and it may not have anything to do with a deficiency in either of you; it may come from philosophic differences that you both are unwilling to compromise. Seeking out organizations that are more in line with your thoughts may make for a healthier work environment for you.
It may also be that your supervisor reminds you too closely of that parent whose approval you sought and could never achieve. You judge yourself because you think you should be able to handle it better now that you are in recovery. But why should you have to handle it? Why should you use all that energy to remain stable when you could be using it in ways that will enhance your growth? Leaving a work situation that is unhealthy for you is not the same as the geographic cure taken by alcoholics and drug addicts.
I'M AFRAID THEY WILL FIND OUT THAT I AM NOT CAPABLE OF DOING THE JOB
It really doesn't matter what your skill level is or what you're doing. If you don't continue to prove yourself, they will find out what you
knew all along - that you fooled them, that you really don't know what you're doing. This is apparent at the college level. The recovering person often believes that acceptance to college is was through a computer error; the A's on your report card only put off the day of discovery. After all, you really don't know what you're doing, you really don't know what you're talking about. This helps propel you toward workaholism because you have to keep the pressure on yourself to keep them from finding you out. I often wonder how employers in this sophisticated era can be so incompetent as to are people who are not capable of doing the job for which they are hired - and how they make that error most often with you. Interesting paradox - your manipulative skills are so well developed that they hide your lack of skill on the job. Either your boss is fooled or he is not fooled. If he is fooled, he is foolish enough continue to believe you are capable. If he is not fooled, he knew what you could do from the beginning. It's a hard feeling to shake. Feeling incapable and being incapable are very different. Work on sepa-ing that out.
IF I SAY NO I WILL BE REPLACED
So you don't say no. You believe that you are the one person they're not going to have any trouble replacing. At the very moment that you say no, someone will move into your job. You also don't say no because of a lack of knowledge of your limits.
I have clients who don't say no to
things that are absolutely outrageous. A client of mine went to visit a relative who was 300 miles away and dying. The boss called her and said, "Hey, we have a deadline to meet. " She came back because she didn't know she had the right to say no.
The worst possible outcome of saying no - because what you are doing has priority -is that you will lose your job and that may not be the worst possible outcome.
I SHOULD BE ABLE TO DO WHATEVER IS ASKED OF ME
"Why would my employer ask me to do something unreasonable? Since I don't know what reasonable is, I get confused. "
Maybe you shouldn't be able to do whatever is asked of you It is very important for you to learn which requests are reasonable and which are not. The question is not whether or not your are able to fulfill the request but whether it is an appropriate request. One main concern of most of my clients is how they can do less. How can I take on less? How can I make my life less stressful? In my supervisory group, a man under 30 years old had a heart attack that was stress related. There is no reason for that if you can learn how to put things in perspective. Putting things into perspective can be taught - and can be learned.
Ability is not the key to whether or not you should do something. Nor is "If I don't do it, no one else will. " Is the request consistent with your job description and is it reasonable? That is all that needs to be
considered. If you consider that and comply with the request anyway, then it is your conscious choice, which is different from a should.
I SHOULD BE ABLE TO FIX IT
"I should be able to fix anything and everything that goes wrong. " "Don't worry I'll... " And what happens is that others will let you do it, will often take the credit for what you do, will take you for granted. Unless you get angry enough, you will continue to seek approval in this way. "No sweat,... I'll get the... on the way to... I'll lay out the money... I
as staying late anyway... Yours doesn't work; take mine. "
I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO ASK MY BOSS FOR WHAT I NEED
That sounds as though bosses should be clairvoyant simply t reduce your risk of not getting your needs met and having to deal with that. The rationale is "I would be invading my boss's space if I asked for what I need. " So of course you don't ask. You take care of it yourself, whether it's little or big, whether it's within your domain or not.
One woman shared this observation, "When I ask my boss lor what I need, I feel shame...
"When I asked my mother for what I needed, she would fall apart and I would feel terrible and end up not only not getting my need met but feeling ashamed. I had inflicted an additional burden on her. As a result, I would end up taking care of her, as well as having to meet my own needs. "
Asking for help then becomes a very painful experience. Aside from the predictable difficulty of feeling unworthy of someone else's effort and the sense that I should be able to handle by myself whatever I think I need help with, the fact that my asking will do harm to someone else is what really scares me.
AM Session: Keeping the Job/Habits That Work: Discussion Module: Absenteeism
Goals; Participants will develop an understanding of employer's
expectations related to attendance and punctuality
Participants will explore their attitudes and behaviors related to on the job problems
Suggested Procedure;
Show Adkins Life Skills video "Keeping a Job/Habits That Help (10 min)
Possible discussion questions: (50 min)
What do you think/how feel about what you saw in this video? What problems have you had at work in the past related to
absenteeism?
What are legitimate reasons for being absent? How did you handle absences from work in the past? What happened when co-workers were frequently absent? How did
you feel? Common issues contributing to absenteeism
Taking time off from work for reasons other than personal
emergency or illness
Making decisions about comp time without authorization Taking days off without informing your supervisor on time Staying home for an entire day when you are going to be late Absences due to dislike for job or ineffective conflict and anger management
Materials; Adkins Life Skills Video "Keeping a Job/Habits
That Help
23
AM Session: Working Your Program At Work
Goals:
Participants will become aware of common difficulties at work, such as control, authority, competition, collaboration and powerlessness.
Participants will gain insight about how the above issues can affect their job performance and comfort level at work.
Participants will gain insight about the impact of interpersonal relationships in the workplace on job performance and the ability to maintain employment.
Suggested Procedure:
Ask clients about past interpersonal difficulties at work (power struggles, issues with authority, delegating responsibility etc. ) Discuss the concept of collusion (forming alliances against someone perceived as an adversary). Facilitate discussion about scapegoating in the workplace, and how this can erode healthy working relationships. (15 min)
Read handout "Working Your Program At Work". Stop periodically to discuss (45 min)
Materials: Working Your Program At Work
24
AM Session 9: Dealing With Criticism Goals: Participants will explore the function of criticism in
the workplace
Participants will explore their attitudes toward criticism. Participants will develop coping strategies for accepting and
using criticism productively in the workplace. Suggested Procedure:
Ask participants about past experiences with criticism. Separate criticism from abuse if called for in discussion (ie... screaming at you is not criticism. ) Explore impact of early abuse on present acceptance of criticism and self esteem if appropriate (10-15 min)
Read handout "Dealing With Criticism". Stop periodically to discuss, write major points on board if appropriate: (40-45 min)
1. Limit Damage
Ask for time out Positive self talk.
2. Probe
Find out exactly what the critic means, then determine if the criticism is useful to you.
"What do you mean by______"
"In what way do you feel I am _____"
Look for global statements (ie... "You're never there for me") Refocus on the specifics of the situation.
3. Deflect
Clouding
Agree in part without completely accepting criticism
Agree in probability
Agree in principle
Assertive preference - when you have the power to do it your
way. ("I hear you, we disagree, but I prefer to do it
this way. )
4. Focus on feelings if you believe your critic is over/under reacting to something. Materials: Dealing with Criticism
17
(From When Anger Hurts, Problem-Solving Communication)
Dealing With Criticism
Criticism is painful. You can end up feeling wrong, judged, guilty, or afraid. And each of these painful emotions has the potential for triggering anger. "How Dare she?" "He has no right. "
For people sensitive to criticism, it doesn't matter if the issue is minor. It doesn't matter if the critic is someone whose opinion is unimportant. It doesn't even matter if the criticism is inaccurate. Just feeling criticized sets off a chain reaction - like a row of falling dominos, your confidence drops, and you begin feeling extremely defensive.
Being criticized reminds you of what it felt like when you were a child, when you were corrected and judged by angry parents. As an adult, you don't want to experience the old feelings of being wrong, bad, even worthless. And you resent being made to feel like a child.
Being criticized makes it hard to feel perfect. Many people irrationally expect that they can do it all, do it right, and please everyone. So criticism is scary, If, as you imagine, others expect you to be perfect, you have to fear the slightest mistake. Any flaw, it seems, could lose you a job, a friend, and so on.