When a Couple Is Used to Being Regulated with the Aid of Substances, Whether Legal Or Illegal

Why Is An Aftercare Couple’s Group Imperative As A Part of Sober Living?

Beverly Berg, MFT, PhD

When a couple is dependent on substances for aid in mood regulation, the overall dynamic between them becomes fixed and predictable in levels of engagement and disengagement. Over time, these fixed and predictable patterns systematically become more and more corrosive to the well-being of the couple, ultimately creating a dysfunctional relationship. The dissociated states that occur from substance abuse render the couple vulnerable to being engaged in a false sense of engagement from the most superficial of behaviors to the most intimate. Common lifestyle behaviors that normally create a sense of closeness in the couple mimic the “parallel play”, (Mildred Parten 1932), of children in a sand box. Children in this stage of development may mimic what a child next to them is doing, or even comment out loud, but are not at a stage where active cooperation or engagement is occurring. They may be sitting side by side in a common area, but there is no true connection occurring. As children in a sand box, the substance abusing couple is operating with a false sense of connection that engenders habitual pseudo mutual interactions from the start of the day until the end of the day.

When one partner decides to get on a path of recovery, the couple’s lifestyle pattern is severely disrupted. Old patterns don’t work to keep the couple glued together, and new patterns have not been created yet.

The sober partner erupts the known pattern that they have been living in on a day-to-day basis in relationship to their partner. While a thirty-day break within a rehabilitating environment can create new patterns for the sober partner to begin regulating himself or herself as a non-substance abusing individual, it may be highly dysregulating to the couple relationship. The newly sober partner is offering their brain a chance to acquire new sober experience to store in the memory banks, and the partner at home is left to continue to operate in a non-emotionally sober manner. The partner at home is anticipating for their sober partner to complete rehab and bring home a more satisfying, connected and loving way of life for them both. The recovering partner also will imagine a lifestyle filled with fantasy and hope about what future patterns may possibly emerge with their sobriety now in the mix.

More times than not, the fantasy of connection, mutuality and intimacy are dashed within a short time after the sober partner comes home to resume a life with their partner. Unanticipated tensions , misattunement and anxiety are soon replacing the sought after fantasies of closeness that one or both partners have. Why? There are many reasons for this. One of the most important being that the lack of self-understanding, and the couple’s lack of skill to regulate anxiety makes it close to impossible for the couple to be able to facilitate connection.

Unbeknownst to most couples, the unresolved issues of trauma, injury, betrayal, fear of intimacy, and lack of social skill that have been masked and numbed out by substance abuse steadily become unmasked by sobriety. The stark reality of where the couple’s development actually lies stands between them and the hoped for renewed lifestyle. Sadly, this is why a newly sober person and their partner become chronically engaged in volatile or conflicted interactions, or end up divorcing or separating. The couple’s true desire to engage and unite in a sought after fantasy is deterred just by the mere fact that one of the members of the couple is now sober.

Most modern day hospitals and institutions approach their sobering patients with both an individual and a family approach. Individual therapy, group therapy, family group meetings and twelve step meetings are protocol for treatment. During inpatient treatment, family members are invited in for a week of involvement with the sober member, and then offered an opportunity to be involved with their sober partner after that with a monthly family meeting. Most rehab institutions know to offer a directory to Alanon meetings for aftercare treatment for the family member. As of right now, there is no official afterprogram designed to treat the couple dynamic specifically, and with the type of hands on intensity and care that is needed.

Most programs have their hands full in their client centered attention on sobering the alcoholic, leaving the couple to fend for themselves in the process of adjusting to sober living after the sober client leaves the safety net of inpatient treatment and goes home. There is a lack of widespread understanding of the unique systemic dynamic of the newly sober couple relationship. It is only through educating sober counselors and other clinical professionals treating the chemically dependent populations that the welfare of the newly sober couple is going to get the most effective help in the future.

The need for programs for committed couples to be supported in making the transition from a non-sober lifestyle to a sober one cannot be underestimated. All across the country scores of effective rehabilitation programs help to get the individual sober, only to send them home to partners who have no skills to involve themselves intimately with their sober mate, or an understanding of where their role is now in relationship to a clean and sober partner. Newly sober people coming home with the best of intentions to stay sober suddenly find themselves ending up drunk again, or divorced. The couple does not know how much time they should be devoting to the needs of the relationship, or how much time to devote to individual needs. We in the helping field of chemical dependency need to take this issue seriously if we want to see recidivism rates go down and long-term sobriety sustained for newly sober married folk.

This is where a certification program for clinicians who work in the field of chemical dependency comes in. An 8 week aftercare program designed for couples coming out of rehab, run by a licensed group facilitator, will give the newly sober couple a running chance at creating an ever-growing, functional dynamic between them, and a paradigm shift of health, consciousness, love and connection can be learned. Without this kind of help, a disregulated couple will be caught off guard and left to their own devices, which usually means recreating non-sober patterns in the newly sober relationship. Again, this ultimately ends with loss of sobriety, long-term misery, or divorce.

Parten, Mildred B. “Social Participation among Preschool Children.” Journal of Abnormal and Social Psychology 27 (1932): 243-269.

Beverly Berg, PhD has been working in the chemical dependency field since 1982. She has served as a consultant/trainer in the areas of alcoholism treatment, and meditation, and has a full time private practice. For more information on her 8 week program, Conscious Couples Recovery Workshop, Beverly can be reached at: or 310-288-3417