The Man With
THE MAN WITH
THE GUMMI GUN
Written By:
The Magician
December 9th, 2007
WE OPEN ON: SCAR ISLAND- Cloudy Day
EXT. BEACH BOULDERS
A midget approaches and old man in a hat.
MIDGET: This way!
The old man follows the midget with goat legs.
CUT TO: SCARAMANGA MANSION
INT. FANCY DINING ROOM
The midget leads the old man into this room, and quickly shuts the door! The old man pulls his dusty pistol from his coat. He spins around… looking all about!
Then a reflection of another man! The old man fires! He realizes it’s just a hologram. Then the same man JUMPS OUT as the lights shut off! The old man sweats sap.
INT. ILLUSION HALL
The old man heads until a roll, spins around and breaks his back… but aiming his pistol anyway! The other man has vanished, and the old man is locked in!
Lights shining all around. The old man pulls up a cigarette, and a lighter. He lights it… turning into a bunch of cowboy dolls dancing on a saloon stage.
The old man takes a hit of his cigarette. He steps onward, over to a smaller area, where a glowing gummi gun rests on a keg. The midget’s voice sounds over the radio.
MIDGET: Mister Scaramanga is watching you, sir!
The old man looks back at the keg to see SCARAMANGA pointing his gummi gun at him! The old man gasps and his shot dead in the forehead! Then Scaramanga SPINS AROUND to a James Bond cut out… hip twisting to and fro! A gunshot!
CUT TO: HALF SUNKEN SHIP- Tipsy
A shot of those tipsy half sunken ship.
INT. TIPSY MEETING ROOM
Felix lighter lights a cigarette. James Bond enters.
BOND: I’ve come to discuss… whoa, this is one fucked up ship. I’ve come to discuss something with you, Felix.
FELIX: Is this about the bullet?
BOND: (pulling a gummi bullet up) Yes.
FELIX: (taking bullet) It does read double-o-seven. I thought you were high.
BOND: I was.
FELIX: And now you’re looking for… Scaramanga, was it?
BOND: It is his trademark, you know.
FELIX: (hands shuffling out) Okay then… JUST, get going!
James Bond leaves with a salute.
CUT TO: AZAR’S PLACE- An Hour Later
INT. GUN RANGE
Bond enters. An old dude creeps around the corner.
BOND: Azar? (Azar nods- Bond approaches) I was wondering if you have any knowledge of… (pulling out…) this brand of gummi bullet.
AZAR: (taking it with delight) Aaah! Forged in mount squish, and lit by the fires of gum. A brand of gummi so gummi. Known only to the most perfect of absolute gummi!
Azar sticks the gummi bullet in his mouth and chews. Bond pulls a bomb-go gun! Bond takes hold of Azar’s throat, squeezing tight! He then fires with his armed hand, blowing the top half of Azar’s head off! A small blood fountain. Bond digs the gummi out and walks away.
CUT TO: SCHLINK JOINT
A mysterious woman steps out. Bond is across the street in his wheel barrel car. He ducks down, trying to hide. It’s to no use, as the mysterious woman spots him right away! She starts running, and Bond wheel barrels after her… still trying to keep a distance, as if he wasn’t seen.
CUT TO: HOTEL HELLOBO
INT. OCTOPUSSUM’S APARTMENT
Octopussum is showering. James Bond enters with his Walther PPK raised. A man on the bed reading the back of a Dr. Popper can looks up. Bond aims and fires! Bullet in the neck and the man chokes to death.
BOND: Come on out, Octopussum.
Octopussum walks out in the nude. Bond perks up.
BOND: (cont.) Hello, hello!
OCTOPUSSUM: (pulling gun out of pussum) Hands up!
Bond just has his gun aimed at her. They keep aiming at each other. Now they walk out into the middle of the room. They start circling each other, keeping their guns trained on one another.
BOND: (circling) I know you’re with Scaramanga.
OCTOPUSSUM: (circling) So what if I am?
BOND: (staring at her bare chest) He’s after me, so now I’m after him. Gee, those are lovely breasts you have.
Octopussum puts her hands quickly over them, looking down in shock, and Bond TACKLES HER to the ground! He’s atop her. Surely erected.
OCTOPUSSUM: You’re hurting me!
BOND: Where does Scaramanga stay? I’d like to have a word with him. Man to man. Bond to scum. Then maybe we’ll get together.
OCTOPUSSUM: I’ll never tell you a damn thing!
Octopussum SPITS in Bond’s face. Bond SLAPS HER face!
OCTOPUSSUM: (cont.) He’s got an island five miles from here. Now what about us getting together? Cause I actually want to get it on with you.
BOND: (getting off her) Now you’re making sense.
FLASH TO- The Bathroom
Bond and Octopussum are making love in the shower. A long pause later, and…
OCTOPUSSUM: Would you stop urinating on me?
BOND: Sure.
CUT TO: OLDE CASTLE WALK
James Bond JUMPS OUT of Octopussum’s window! CRASHING down into his wheel barrel car… tied to an actual car.
BOND: Go, Good night! GO!
Good Night, the sexy blonde driver… speeds away! Octopussum opens fire from the window, and misses!
INT. GOOD CAR
Good Night drives down the street and sees Burger King prancing across like he was the King.
GOOD NIGHT: That son of a bitch!
Good Night puts the pedal to the metal! Through the windshield we see Burger King turn with his arms up in order for her to stop!
EXT. OLDE CASTLE WALK TWO
Burger King is hit! He breaks the windshield with a splash of blood! He flies over Bond’s head, and Bond just waves to him with a smile.
The good car rides away. Scaramanga is now on the corner.
CUT TO: NINJA GROUNDS- Later That Day
EXT. THE FIGHTING PAD
Agent Good Night stands by the car. James Bond dresses in a ninja disguise… white karate clothes with a black belt. Ninjas gather around. Japanese men and women. Bond looks.
BOND: (to the lead ninja) I don’t know what you have to do with Scaramanga… or why I’m here, in the first place. But let us duel anyway… and eat up a page of this script, huh?
The lead ninja in black bows. Bond KICKS him in the face and then pulls a sword, DECAPITATING HIM!
More ninjas approach, and Bond CUTS one of them in half! Suddenly the ninja’s pull mini-mini-guns. Bond drops the sword and starts to run! Good Night is getting in the car. Bond is about to get in, when Good Night starts the ignition! The car EXPLODES!
Bond almost ducks, now turning the other way. He JUMPS up a rope as mini-mini-gun bullets are fired at him in rapid succession! Bond climbs the rope and hops over to safety!
EXT. GRASS YARD
James Bond is running fast and far away, as the armed ninjas break out in a marching army. Single file.
BOND: (pushing a boulder) This’ll fix’em!
Bond jumps into a sewer tunnel… as the boulder starts to move on it’s own. The ninjas start to reload their guns, when the boulder sprouts arms and legs! It gets up and reveals it’s somewhat human face! Now STAMPEDING at the army of ninjas, thrashing and smashing them up and down!
INT. DARK SEWER TUNNEL
James Bond is driving a boat down the way, down the river of rough gummi juice, much like soggy jell-O. On his way, he scoops up a bit and chows down. Almost puking.
EXT. OPEN OCEAN
James Bond exits. He’s riding the boat over to a plane.
EXT. LITTLE NELLY PLATFORM
Bond jumps off the boat, and jumps into the Little Nelly aircraft. It starts up and he takes off!
FLASH TO- Sky Way
Bond bangs the charred corpse of Good Night. He’s also flying the Little Nelly aircraft to Scar Island!
CUT TO: SCAR ISLAND
Scaramanga watches through binoculars. He smiles at the sight of Bond getting some charred corpse… action.
SCARAMANGA: Nic Nac!
The midget with goat legs, Nic Nac… approaches.
NIC NAC: Yes, sir.
SCARAMANGA: Prepare lunch for two.
NIC NAC: (walking away) Yes, sir.
Scaramanga looks through the binoculars at Bond chucking the charred corpse off the side of Little Nelly. It lands in the ocean. Bond flies right into a wall! Little Nelly EXPLODES! And Bond drops onto a line, swinging forth!
EXT. BEACH BOULDERS
Bond swings down the line, and Scaramanga walks up.
BOND: (landing) I’m the man! (pause) The BAT… man.
SCARAMANGA: You are James Bond.
BOND: You are Scaramanga.
NIC NAC: (returning with two micro-meals) I am Nic Nac!
James Bond throws a pair of gummi-noon-chuks! They wrap around Nic Nac’s throat, popping his head right off!
SCARAMANGA: (aiming gummi-gun) It’s lunch time, Mr. Bond.
CUT TO: SCARAMANGA’S MANSION
INT. DINING ROOM
Scaramanga sits across from James Bond. They sit before a lunch of gummi fish. Sipping glasses of Gummi-Juice.
SCARAMANGA: How do you like it, Mr. Bond?
BOND: Some variety would be nice. You always shove your face with this kind of candy?
SCARAMANGA: Since I can remember.
BOND: Ever try some drug candy?
SCARAMANGA: Never. (sitting back- wiping lips with cloth) You know, I’ve always loved a good challenge. And that is why you are here. It’s what I call progressive recruitment.
BOND: It’s what I call trouble.
Scaramanga aims the gummi-gun at him.
SCARAMANGA: I’m offering you a choice. My gummi-gun against your Walther PPK. We’ll find out once and for all if an imaginary weapon can truly overcome the might of reality.
BOND: There’s a useful four letter word. (pause) And you’re full of it.
Scaramanga clicks the bear shaped back end of his… pistol.
SCARAMANGA: Make your choice.
BOND: (pulling Walther PPK) Oh, I accept. But when?
SCARAMANGA: Outside.
BOND: I asked when, and you answer the where.
SCARAMANGA: Who?
BOND: You.
SCARAMANGA: Which? (Bond growls) How? (Bond stares) Why? (he farts and has a senile moment…) Huh?!
EXT. MOUNTAIN TOP- Light Rain
Scaramanga and James Bond stand back to back. Good Night the wet and charred corpse rests… ?sexily? on a big rock.
GOOD NIGHT: Well, what are you waiting for?!
Bond and Scaramanga start walking away, their respective guns up. They move towards the edge of this mountain top.
GOOD NIGHT: (cont.) NOW what are you doing?!! (they ignore her- onward marching away) Why the FUCK are you walking AWAY from EACH OTHER?!!! KILL yo’ selves, fools!
Bond and Scaramanga spin around! Two dramatic gunshots, and the two killer’s expressions. Back to Good Night sliding off the rock… with two big holes in her chest. Big tit holes. Bond and Scaramanga look at each other.
SCARAMANGA: That was my only bullet. You mind if I reload?
James Bond shrugs. Scaramanga pulls a gummi-bullet out of his pocket and loads it in his gun. James Bond fires into the sky four more times! Scaramanga drops, frightened!
BOND: Now I’ve got one bullet. Is it fair game, Scaramanga?
Scaramanga smiles, dropping down a hatch way! Bond runs over and jumps down… in pursuit!
INT. ILLUSION HALL
James Bond rolls off the ground and to his feet. He sees a saloon stage of a few cowboy dolls dancing. Rats eat the dolls from the inside out. Bond walks over to another area.
Scaramanga is around the corner, and ready to strike! Bond sighs, staring at his reflection in the mirror. He waits, and now Scaramanga jumps around the corner, FIRING!
Bond looks down at the gummi stuck to his chest. He looks up at Scaramanga and fires his last bullet! Scaramanga’s head IMPLODES off his shoulders! Bond packs the gun away.
CUT TO: OLDE SHIP- Sunset
INT. CABIN
James Bond lies in bed with Octopussum. Both are nude.
BOND: You really have a great taste down there, Octopussum.
OCTOPUSSUM: Yes, I do.
BOND: So you give it to yourself? Excellent. (pause) You know, one day I’ll name an adventure of mine after you.
OCTOPUSSUM: (leaning in) That’s so sweet!
James and Octopussum kiss like porn stars. Then headless midget Nic Nac enters with a chainsaw. Bond looks up.
BOND: Can I help you?
Octopussum screams as the chainsaw REVS! Bond jumps up and LEAPS OVER the chainsaw wielding sucker! The bed is sawed in half! Octopussum rolls off the side, then runs across the way… knocking herself out on the door!
Headless Nic Nac turns back to Bond and starts running at him again! Bond slides out of the way and Nic Nac is CHAINSAWING a gorilla’s crotch!
GORILLA: (pounding chest- crotch grounded) AAAAAAUUUHHHH!!!
James Bond takes the chainsaw away…
BOND: If you can’t play nice, boy…
James Bond SHOVES the chainsaw up headless Nic Nac’s ass!
BOND: Then FUCK YOURSELF!
Nic Nac tears apart from the inside. The gorilla holds it’s most horrible of wounds possible. He whimpers. Bond pats him on the shoulder.
BOND: There, there. (Octopussum awakens) You okay?
OCTOPUSSUM: I don’t know. (Bond is erect again- she smiles, taking her skirt off) But I have a feeling I will be.
The End