The Bangle Seller-13, to Press Without Images. 08.06.2012

The Bangle Seller-13, To Press without images. 08.06.2012

THE BANGLE SELLER-13

To Press without images. 08.06.2012

(The position of some poems are changed for which check the printed book)

The Different Faces of Love

(A series of Psychological Themes)

D. John Antony, OFM.Cap.

Other Books by the Author:

1.Dynamics of Counselling (1994)

Microskill Model

TA & NLP included

2.Skills of Counselling (1995, 2003)

Microskill Model

Kinesics & Focusing included

3.Types of Counselling (1996, 2011)

Lifespan Developmental & Situational Approach

Developmental Psychology included

4.Psychotherapies in Counselling (2003)

Includes Theories of Personality

5.Self Psychology Counselling (2005)

A Textbook of Self Psychology

6.Family Counselling (2005)

The Classic Schools

7.Trauma Counselling (2005)

8.Emotions in Counselling (2005)

9.Mental Disorders Encountered in Counselling (2006)

A Textbook of Clinical Psychology Based on DSM-IV

10. Personality Profile Through Handwriting Analysis (2009)

A Textbook of Graphology

11.Principles and Practice of Counselling (2009)

Kinesics & Clinical Psychology included

12. The Body Never Lies (2011)

The Basics of Body Language (Kinesics)

13. The Flute of a Broken Reed (2012)

(A Series of Psychological Themes)

A Journey in Vulnerability

14.Mw;Wg;gLj;Jk; fiy (1996)

Ez;jpwd; khjphp

15.Mw;Wg;gLj;Jjypd; tiffs; (1997)

tho;T KOikf;fhd tsh;epiy kw;Wk; #oy; mZFKiw tsh;epiyf;fhd cseytpay; ,izf;fg;gl;Ls;sJ

First Edition: June 2012

Published by:

Printed at:

Dedicated

The Simple Village Folk

who are the Main Protagonists

of these Poems

Acknowledgements

Dr. Fr. A. J. Mathew, OFM.Cap., Ph.D. He is the new Servant — Minister Provincial — recently blossomed to serve the Capuchins of the Northern Tamil Nadu. He carries a heavy responsibility on his young shoulders. He ruminates on the origin and destiny of man as a philosopher and indeed a cousin to poets in essence. His encouragement made the manuscript see the light of the day as a book.

Dr. K. Soundar Rajan, Ph.D., from the hillside village of Pachalur. He uses his talents and skills in farming, teaching and proof-reading. He did the ever-vigilant editing and proof-reading of the poems with his versatile expertise.

Dr. Pearl Kittu, Ph.D., from Namakkal, a rare pearl born in the depths of the Bay of Bengal in the Pearl City of Tuticorin. She breathes English and sings poetry in prose. She disciplined the poems in the strict jacket of the English language with the subtle nuances of literature.

Mr. S. A. Rajan from Dindigul, a multi-talented wizard who measured the poems as he fathoms people as a clinical psychologist and found images to make the poems come alive and aflame with life and designed the mantle of the book with his dexterous fingers and took care of the vagaries of the press work till this book was born in his midwifery hands.

My words touch only the fringe of the cascade of your generosity poured out on me in overabundance. May I murmur a prayer for all of you to the Lord who listens in silence and rewards you without measure!

Table Of Contents

The tempest
Transitus
Heartless
Passing through
Anklets
Past midnight
Faceless relation
Addiction
Sanyasa
Dawn
Vedanthangal
Why waste your beauty?
Where is your vulnerability?
Have you forgotten me?
Gift at the doorstep
Start with yourself
Allow me to touch you once
Perplexed
The group photo
Taking leave
The stolen bangle
Daydreams
How will I communicate?
Body language
Slept in your bosom
Selamat Pagi
Love at first sight
Noon
Your smile enticed me
It is grace
Stone pillar witness
Kissing your hand
You are responsible
Forgiveness
In His sweet time
Out of love
Refused to marry
Love letter on the river
Stealing?
With what excuse?
Nothing to give you
Prostitution!
Happiness is now
You have blue eyes
In the evening
Saints are more human
Passion dies – friendship lasts
I shall sing unseen
A little sadness
Hiding
Gratefulness
Saying more yes
The pursuer and the distancer
A humble giver
The long night
Stealthy watch
Who will console me?
Faded flowers
Of what?
Key at the door
Designs
The now experience
United in tears
His arrival
Why a poem on me?
Self-pity
Freedom
Immobility
Music
Let go
Silence versus betrayal
Sunshine
Accept it
You made me vulnerable
Honesty
Smile
Judgement
Dance
Non-possession
To my beloved you
Unconditional love
Time test
Your name on the cactuses
Dream a dream
The love-tryst
Dusk
The hut
Listless heart
At night
The peace of sadness
Purpose
Failing strength
Vague musing
Giving
The unknown
The great refusal
Not impoverished
Robbers
Possibility
Palanquin
Two in a blanket
Receiving
Farewell

FOREWORD

Before we were born we were securely embedded in our mothers’ womb. It was a symbiotic attachment where everything was measured and supplied without any demand made. The amniotic fluid kept us cushioned so that even the slightest turbulence could not be felt by the foetus.

Transition

But alas, after the birth which itself could have been traumatic for the emerging infant things change dramatically. First of all he has to breathe by himself to get oxygen to his body systems. Then there is the temperature which varies according to the climatic condition of the place. The environment with its light, pressure and all the stimuli arising from every sense impinges on him overwhelmingly. With the birth cry he makes his entry into a harsh world emerging from a secure world. Now he is an individual and not an enmeshed person with his mother though the bond has not been severed.

As an individual he makes his demands. He has to demand for nourishment, to be securely held, for assistance to eliminate waste products and to be kept warn and clean and thus his demands are many. Not always are all his demands met adequately with all the care of the parents especially the mother.

Separateness and Anxiety

His separateness as an individual produces anxiety. As he grows he has to fend for himself. Slowly he has to take the responsibility for his own life and future which exerts a considerable effort and energy from his part. From now on he will look for ways to get united and get attached symbiotically to his mother. But he can no longer physically do that with his mother physically. Therefore he seeks to unite with somebody who will reproduce the feeling of being attached to his mother. Thus he seeks union with others.

Union or Fusion as a Solution

This search for union can take many forms; he may like to be united with one individual or to a group of persons, or to a group as such, to a race, nation and to humanity in general. Being united to somebody relieves his feeling of aloneness or separateness.

Humans long for and seek union with others. A lot of research has been done on the type of union people tend to have or manifest in their lives. Especially the family therapists have noted with great clarity our relationships with others. Depending upon the experience of our relationship in the family of our origin we may maintain three types of relationship. They are correlated with boundaries. Boundaries are the psychological barriers we maintain with one another. In relation to others we always maintain certain boundaries. There are three types of boundaries noted in our relationship with others. They are: rigid, diffuse and clear boundaries.

Boundaries

In rigid boundaries there is no give and take; others can hardly enter into our privacy. The individual stands alone and is fortified, ultra-independent, self-focused, over-involved with oneself. The other could be a threat or an intruder into his privacy. Any involvement from others is seen as invasion. Here the god of individualism is highly exalted and adored, and relationship is sacrificed at the altar of individualism. “I am sufficient unto myself and I am not in need of others and nor should I go to others.” In this is contained the principle that others should not enjoy at my expense. If you have enjoyed on account of me you need to pay me or you need to be punished. It is simply the exaltation of oneself to the detriment of other relationships. It is a philosophy of selfish hedonism. If our parents practiced the philosophy of selfish hedonism we would not have been existing now. Two persons have sacrificed their life for us but now we are reluctant to give love in any form to others; because we think that all that we have belong to us. Nobody has the right over what we possess. In fact we forget that all that we are and possess come from others.

In diffuse boundaries there is a lot of give and take; others are free to enter into my privacy. In fact I do not need so much privacy. I cannot stand alone, I am dependent and other-focused. Your evaluation of me affects me terribly. Sacrifice comes naturally to one’s life. One’s life is defined in terms of others and society. Dependence on others is the key word that describes the relationship of the individual. I myself am nothing, but in relation with others I am somebody.

In clear boundaries there is dependence and independence. It is characterized by inter-dependence. I have my privacy and guard my individualism and when needed I can let you into my privacy. I have the freedom to let others enter into my life, and restrict entry to others when needed. I also feel comfortable to enter into the privacy of others and respect others and their privacy. I have value as an individual and also as a person in relation to others.

Relationship

Corresponding to the boundaries one maintains, one entertains relationship. In rigid boundaries there can be a relationship that is cut-off or disengaged. Others are not easily permitted to enter into my privacy nor will I desire to enter into the territory of others. Others are kept at a safe distance. There could be a lot of mistrust in others. An extreme of this may lead to paranoia.

In diffuse boundaries the relationship is enmeshed. Fusion is the word that characterizes the relationship of one with another. Entanglement in relationships and sub-systems is noticed in such relationships. You can enter my privacy readily. Perhaps I do not have any proper privacy at all. Your life is an extended form of my life. Therefore you can enter into my life and I can enter into yours.

In clear boundaries there is healthy relationship. Here one is not entirely ruled by emotions and reason plays a role. I can maintain and at the same time loosen my boundaries and let others into my life and I can enter into the lives of others.

In the distant past history the society was ruled by diffuse boundaries with enmeshed relationship. This almost amounted to our symbiotic attachment with our mothers. Then came a swing to the opposite, that is, rigid boundaries. This characterizes relationships in a number of countries and with the mass media and communication it easily contaminates the other countries of the world. Clear boundaries with healthy relationship are the ideal and our goal.

Present Scenario

Being highly disengaged makes people more vulnerable to isolation and depression and in some cases to suicide. In certain societies people do not belong to anybody, not even to one’s spouse nor to one’s children or parents. Children may sue parents and parents may sue their children. The root cause is individualism. Every involvement of the other is seen as invasive. In a society where people are lonely and isolated, the result is mental breakdown. It is not surprising that to the extent people have isolated themselves from one another they are prone to mental illness and suicide.

The basic thing required is union or fusion with others. In every relationship we seek the symbiotic fusion of our mother with another individual. As we may not be sure if we get that attachment we had with our mother with any other individual, we manipulate in such a way to get what we want. And thus we have different faces of love, love being the reason for fusion or union.

Now the Goal

The societies that remain closer to nature and to others maintain psychological health and those who distanced themselves from nature and others suffer isolation, depression and mental illness. They have forgotten how to touch another in a healthy manner and are in need of rehabilitation. Any physical contact is a taboo.

If we take away the concept of sacrifice in any relationship that relationship is not genuinely a human relationship. Love and sex are primarily giving. In the act of giving we have bliss and joy. If you grudge to give, you do not love nor share sex. When one gives you his love or shares his sex, he enjoys. To say that you should not enjoy on account of me is a contradiction. It is in giving love or sex you enjoy as well as the other enjoys. We are selfish when we say that others need not enjoy on account of us or at our expense. What completes you as a person and makes you healthy is to love and thus fuse with others without being calculative. As a byproduct you will have the highest joy or pleasure which is indicative of your fusion with another.

Love and sex are not for getting something out of them but for giving. The very act of giving gives you joy, pleasure and happiness. If one intends to get the maximum out of love or sex then that person misses the mark. Love and sex become calculated. In sex when one intends orgasm, one may not attain it; on the contrary if one intends to give joy to the partner then that very act gives pleasure (orgasm). Joy, pleasure or orgasm cannot be the direct object of striving; they are byproducts. It is like friendship. Friendship is not directly intended. When doing something or being together for something, friendship blossoms.

Love and sex are primarily meant to give birth to a new person. Therefore what marks love and sex is giving joy, pleasure or life itself. Whenever love, sex, pleasure, orgasm or friendship are attempted as the direct object of our striving then what is achieved with great difficulty is the pseudo realities which are resemblance of those realities we long for. Therefore one remains incomplete and the longing to be fused remains unabated because there had never been genuine giving.

Here in the poems I have sought to highlight humans seeking union or fusion and how they are happy or unhappy or frustrated in their longing taking form or not being realized. They are simply one’s yearning for intimacy and thus you have the different faces of love. Hope the poems will strike a chord within you and resonate with your experience.

The characters in the poems do not represent any person in real life nor any religion. It is the human person in general and human situations in general and religion in general.

1. The Tempest

When you slide bangles over my forearms

I was only thinking of the pain

I might experience.

But to my surprise I feel

not pain but something

that I am not able to describe.

It is a feeling I never experienced

in my life before.

When I asked my friends what is this

feeling like that I am possessed of,

they tell me that love-gods secretly enter

our bodies through the hands of the bangle-seller.

If you have the love-gods with you,

come and bangle me till I am fully possessed.

I am overjoyed and I stand on the limit of joy and

my heart pounds like the pattering of the rain

on the thick of the forest.

But I have only one request to make:

“please don’t touch my soul, let the love-gods

touch only my body.”

For when you bangle me my whole body and soul

are astir and aflame and I tremble

like leaves in rain and I may not survive such a

tempest of feelings in a small pond

sheltering cozily sleeping wild ducks.

*****

Feelings are part and parcel of our existence as humans. Ignoring them or denying them we delude ourselves. Becoming aware of them and acknowledging them and owning them are the right way to live ahealthy and wholesome life.

2. Transitus

(Transitus refers to the death of St. Francis of Assisi)

Praised be the Lord for calling me.

When I left the world I did not turn back in regret.

Kissing the lepers was the delight of my soul.

When I went begging my food

what I received was the choicest food.

I never knew that you would give me brothers.

You made everyone and everything

brother and sister to me.

Thank you Brother Sun; praised be Sister Moon.

Oh my Lady Poverty who covered my nakedness

with your ragged mantle, and tattered attire,

hold my hand for you cannot be separated from me.

Welcome my beloved Sister Death.

Where had you been all these days

when I searched for you ardently

over mountains and valleys?

Come and embrace me ever more tightly.

Let not my beloved Lady Poverty

desert me at the last moment;