Understanding anxiety
Miss Wong Pui Ying, Rita, Clinical Psychologist
Anxiety is a commonly used term in psychology, but some readers might be unfamiliar with this professional term. Used generally, anxiety includes psychological states in our daily lives, such as panic, fear, worry, uneasiness and stress. Most schools of thought consider this state to have subjective, irrational and subconscious elements, etc.
From our general life experience, we know that some people are afraid of cats or dogs, some people are afraid of speaking on a stage, some people are afraid of interacting with people of the other gender, some people are afraid of heights, and some people are afraid of elevators, etc. In response to these common and specific examples, others might feel troubled by the unreasonable fears, may laugh or sympathise with them. How will you react if someone around you is disturbed by anxiety?
In my work, I have come across many youths and children affected by anxiety. Their behavioural patterns weren’t as clear-cut as in the above examples. Instead, their hidden feelings of anxiety drove them to hide themselves or behave in ways which made other people misunderstand them.
Case 1: The client was a shy young woman who often kept her head down, spoke softly and would even give no response most of the time. She was also unemployed for a long period of time and would stay at home. Her family thought she was lazy and that her lack of response was a form of retaliation. For this reason, her family was extremely unhappy with her and would yell at her or even hit her when they couldn’t keep their temper. After I spoke with the client, I learned that she had an extremely low level of self-confidence and had serious social phobia. Her lack of response and unwillingness to seek employment were acts of avoidance to protect her from criticism or prevent her from being exposed to danger.
Case 2: The client was a primary student. He had a mother who always complained that he had no motivation to learn, had poor behaviour, and would fabricate lies. She often got angry and hit the boy. As you can imagine, the mother-child relationship grew increasingly sour and the mother even said that she would send him to a boarding school as a form of “relief”. According to the background information of this case, his parents had divorced years before he was born, and his living arrangements were frequently changed. Sometimes he would live with his father, and sometimes he would live with his mother and step-siblings. The mother and son got into an argument in an interview. With tears, he yelled at his mother, “You just want to get rid of me!” What he blurted revealed his greatest worry – that he would be abandoned by his birthparents. He had developed strong feelings of rejection and exclusion after many years of living without a fixed place of abode, and his mother’s plan to send him to a boarding school was confirmation of his fears. In such a predicament, how could he not become moody and disgruntled?
People with anxiety often have various worries that they cannot clearly express, and would even deny having any such worries. As they have low self-confidence and a poor self-image, they often become overly defensive of their own behaviours by rejecting anything new, reducing participation in activities, avoiding interpersonal interaction, rarely speaking or speaking superficially, etc. On the other hand, people with anxiety have a strong desire to regain their sense of control, so they unreasonably insist on certain living habits (such as by being overly zealous about cleanliness) in some situations, or may require other people to follow their orders. Children with anxiety are restless and are easily excited.
The emotions of family and caregivers who don’t understand the situation are often triggered by the behaviours of those with anxiety. Their relationship sours because of the unhappy interaction, and it turned into anger. However, beating, scolding or threatening to cut ties will only increase their anxiety levels and make the situation worse and difficult to handle. The fact is, there is no quick way to help those with anxiety make immediate improvements, but acceptance, respect, trust and giving them options are the usual basis of treatment. If a radical approach is unable to help you get along with a family member or friend with anxiety, you should consider a new method. When necessary, you can speak with a professional to discuss more counter measures.
Note / This article is translated by a translation company from the corresponding original Chinese article in the Chinese section of this website. It is meant to be just an approximation of the original article for the benefit of readers who do not read Chinese.