Microsoft to Sue Andersen and Pella Over Use of the Term Windows

THE UNCOVEROR

Revealing the things they don’t want you to know. It’s the real news!

Issue 5

MICROSOFT TO SUE ANDERSEN AND PELLA OVER USE OF THE TERM "WINDOWS"

Microsoft is at it again. The software giant is now bringing litigation against window manufacturers, Pella and Andersen. They claim that the term "windows" is their exclusive intellectual property.

"The term 'Windows' is a registered trademark of Microsoft. We are simply not going to tolerate trademark infringement from anyone," said Microsoft president Steve Ballmer. "I don’t care what products other companies manufacture, they can not just call them windows."

We contacted Andersen. After a great silence, and a sigh of frustration, a spokesman said, "We have been making window frames since 1903 when the Andersen Lumber Company began, and complete windows since the Andersen Master Casement in 1932. The word frivolous is just not adequate to describe this lawsuit!"

Pella had similar Comments. "We have been around since 1925! I am dumbfounded by Microsoft’s assertion that we are using their trademark illegally. The dictionary defines windows as openings in walls for letting in of light and air that are usually closed by casements or sashes containing transparent material such as glass, and capable of being opened and shut. That definition dates from the thirteenth century, long before computers even existed!" We were unable to reach Bill Gates for comment, but his secretary said this: "If manufactures of products like those made by Andersen and Pella insist that they must call them "Windows," we might allow it if they are willing to pay a licensing fee for each unit."

When I asked her why Microsoft was not suing other window companies like Marvin, and Thermal-Gard, She said that it would take time to make a list of all companies manufacturing products they call windows, but as soon as that is done, they will be sued as well. "We will go after the big two first."

NEW DAWN BIOTECH AT IT AGAIN… EGG BUSHES

New Dawn Biotech, the company that created Chick'N, and meat that grows on trees, has now genetically engineered an egg bush. Here is a picture that one of our undercover operatives, a janitor at New Dawn, smuggled out of their labs. He had this to say. "They have managed to cross chicken genes with ornamental fruit to make eggs grow on a bush.

The first ones tasted very sour, but they have adjusted the formula, using fewer chromosomes from lemon, and a few more from pear. The new ones taste very convincing. They are about to go to market with them. They have also nearly perfected a ham tree, which they hope will let people harvest a fresh ham and egg breakfast in the morning."

As you read in previous stories, there have been problems with Chick'N and Treemeat. One difference between bush eggs, and birds' eggs is that some of them come out all white, and others all yolk. "One problem," said our source, "Is that sometimes the yolk ones hatch a Chick'N, and they don't live long. They spend their few minutes of life shrieking in agony, and then die, as they do not have an adequate circulatory system. They can feel their bodies slowly being starved of oxygen. A Chick'N cannot survive without the machines we hook them to in our labs! Witnessing the short, horrible life of these things that should not be is very disturbing. I would hate to think how it would affect children. All the same, they are planning to bring bush eggs to market with no further modifications!"

THE UNCOVEROR will keep you informed as this story progresses.

BLEACHING HAIR CAUSES BRAIN DAMAGE

According to Dr. Martin Pratt of Brandine University, and Dr. Benjamin Staines of the Center for the Institute of Studies, hair bleaching causes brain damage. Hydrogen peroxide, the key ingredient, will seep into the skull, and kill brain cells.

"We have all heard the jokes about dumb blonds, and I wondered if they were really all dizzy," said Dr. Pratt. "I decided to do a scientific study. I met many blonds who matched the stereotype, and other blonds who clearly did not. It was not long before I noticed an uncanny pattern. Natural blonds were not dumb or dizzy at all. Many of them were highly intelligent, coordinated and sensible. Bleach blonds demonstrated negative traits like being dim-witted, vain, shallow, gullible, and generally dizzy. I had a colleague of mine, Dr. Staines, perform studies to confirm my findings, and he did. Bleach blonds are dumb because they suffer from peroxide poisoning.”

"When I started my own study to confirm Dr. Pratt's findings," explained Dr. Staines, "I decided to check men as well, since hair bleaching and dyeing are becoming popular with both sexes. Men too are suffering loss of their mental abilities through use of hair dyes and bleaches. Bleach is far worse than other hair colors, as it contains a lot more peroxide. Men who bleached their hair were prone to grunting and high-fiving a lot, had difficulty remembering simple things like names, and seemed to have a penchant for injuring themselves performing stupid stunts."

Dr. Pratt and Dr. Staines both agree that the use of hair bleach will be an increasing problem in the future. "We are going to have to start building more nursing homes," commented Dr. Pratt. "As more and more people in our image obsessed culture use hair bleach, more and more will become mentally incompetent at even younger ages, and will just not be capable of taking care of themselves. We may even have to start up idiot asylums, and commit chronically stupid people.

RIAA NOW WANTS PAY-FOR-PLAY RADIO

First they took away our Napster, now the Recording Industry Association of America, and the big five record labels want to make us pay for music on the radio. They cite a growing loss of revenue, as people who listen to music on the radio are getting it for free.

"We have simply had enough of freeloaders using our copyrighted material without paying for it!" said RIAA CEO and President Hilary Rosen. "Lars Ulrich of Metallica, and the rapper, Dr. Dre pointed out to us that Napster and free radio were both denying them the royalties they and their recording labels richly deserved. They are right. No one should ever be able to listen to copyrighted music without anteing up. That's how our economy works."

We pointed out that they are already getting paid for every song played on the radio. Radio stations pay hefty licensing fees to ASCAP and BMI for the right to play the music, amounting to billions each year.

Rosen said that this amounted to small change once it was divvied up, and that it charged the end-users of music nothing. This plan would require new technology to be developed. Martin Bandier, CEO of EMI Music Publishing, explained it this way. "Owners of radios would first give us their credit card number, and then we would be able to start the meter as soon as they turn the radio on. An onboard computer would keep track of each song played, then charge royalties to the end-user's credit card."

We asked Sony Music Entertainment Inc. Chairman & Chief Executive Officer Thomas D. Mottola, what he thought of people who criticize the recording industry for its greed. He said, "On behalf of the entire music industry, I would like to point out to all the hippie leftie commie pinko bums who think they are entitled to free music and music sharing under something they call fair use, that we have a capitalist economy, God bless America! And that nothing is free.”

The parties involved have introduced a bill to Congress, The Recording Revenue Collection Act. It is sponsored by South Carolina Senator Ernest "Fritz" Hollings.

U.S. MINT PROPOSES NEW CURRENCY DENOMINATION

The U.S. Mint is proposing one additional denomination of money, the sixty-nine dollar bill. It will feature the face of our forty-second President, William Jefferson Clinton.

CRUDE ARTIST’S RENDERING

Many oppose this idea saying it is in poor taste to have such a suggestive number as 69 on our money. Others say that Bill Clinton does not deserve the honor of being immortalized on a Federal Reserve note. After all, his administration was plagued by scandal. He was impeached. Others still have suggested that the new bill should bear the face of John F. Kennedy.

Before a new currency denomination can be released, The US treasury department seeks public comment about the proposal. You can send comments to or by snail mail,

U.S. Treasury
1500 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW
Washington, D.C. 20220

CURIOUS CHILD CAUSES BABOON FRACAS

A third grader on a school outing to the San Jose Zoo caused an ugly scene. His older brother told him not to throw rocks at the red-ass baboons, because when they throw them back, they don't miss. He wanted to see if it was true. George Simms picked up a rock, and threw it at the biggest baboon he could see. It whizzed past Bobo, dominant male in the zoo's troop of Hamadryas Baboons, and landed just behind him. Bobo noticed who had thrown the rock, and flew into a rage. He picked it up, and threw it back, hitting little George squarely in the forehead, knocking him out cold. The Baboon then proceeded to screech loudly, jumping up and down, showing his teeth.

A little girl, Susan Parker, yelled "You bad monkey!" and threw the rock a third time. This time it fell just short of an infant baboon. The entire troop became agitated, and started to fling rocks, dirt clods, mud, and their feces at the children, their teacher, and all other humans within sight, never once missing a target.

As children began to drop like flies, and adults began to panic, some chimpanzees in the display behind them thought flinging things looked like fun, so they joined in, completely surrounding the bewildered zoo patrons.

By the time the apes had nothing more to fling, nine children and three adults lay unconscious, and many others were crying and moaning in pain, bleeding, and holding on to wounds. Those only needing first aid were treated at the zoo, and the rest were rushed to nearby hospitals. The young boy who started it all remains hospitalized in serious condition.

As little George Simms and all his classmates learned the hard way, it is not just a myth or an old wives tale. Don't throw rocks at the red-ass baboons. When they throw them back, they don't miss!

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