Episode 3 the Wedding Party
1
Fawlty Towers Episode 3
Fawlty Towers
Episode 3 – The Wedding Party
Major Gowen: By Jove, ______, isn’t it, Fawlty?
Basil Fawlty: ______, Major, yes!
Maj:Phew, very warm, phew!
Bas:______?
Maj:What? Oh, er, well, why not indeed?What a very nice idea!
Bas:Reminds me of somebody machine-gunning a seal!
Maj:______!
Bas:No, no, ______!
Maj:Ah! Yes, yes!
Bas:Ah, ______, Mrs Peignoir!
Mrs Peignoir: ______! Thank you for your map – ______
______!______– I had no idea how charming Torquay was!
Bas:Ah, enchanté! May I ask, er, did you find ______?
Pei:Mm, a few pieces I liked very much – and one – oh, ______!
Bas:Ah, formidable! I’m so pleased! ______Major Gowen, our longest standing resident – Mrs Peignoir?
Pei:______, Major?
Maj:______, Madam?
Bas:Mrs Peignoir’s an antique dealer – ______– sniffing around for dainty relics! Please don’t alarm yourself – ______
______! I’m afraid her local finishing school was bombed!
Pei:Oh, dear!
Bas:No, no, not really – just a thought! Well now, ______?
Pei:Do you have any Ricard?
Bas:______?
Pei:Any Ricard?
Bas:Ah, ______, ______!
Pei:Just a sherry, then!
Bas:But of course!
Maj:Tell me – ______?
Pei:______, ______!
Maj:Good Lord!
Bas:______, dear? We er, we haven’t er, ______
______, have we?
Sybil Fawlty: Well I haven’t – ______!
Bas:Ah, well, ______, shall I?
Syb:______, dear!
Bas:Well where’s Manuel?
Syb:We’ve given him the evening off, dear – ______!
Bas:I mean, how old is he? Two and a half? Excuse me – ______
______, Sybil!
Bar guest: No nuts?
Syb:______!
Bas:Oh, will I?
Syb:Well if you can bear to tear yourself away from Mrs Peignoir you will! Do go on!
Maj:Well in 1918 then!
Bas:Did you, did you ever see that film “______?”
Maj:“______?”
Bas:Yes, awfully good – ______! It was very funny!
Miss Tibbs: ______, Mr Fawlty?
Bas:What? Yes, yes, thank you very much!______?
Tibbs:Yes!
Bas:Good, good – well we’re all all right then!
Tibbs:______!
Miss Gatsby: Yes, and ______, isn’t he?
Tibbs:I don’t think he’s very well, dear! I think we ought to take care of him!
Richard Turner: Hello!
Polly Sherman: Hello! I think I left it over here somewhere! Hang on! Ah – ______! ______!
Rich:Mm! Mm!
Bas:Yes? ______, is it?
Pol:Mr Fawlty – ______Richard Turner?
Bas:______?
Pol:______!
Bas:Oh – ______, do you? Just er, ______, are you?
Pol:There you go – ______!
Rich:Yes!
Bas:Oh – we’ve ______, have we? ______! Please don’t leave on my account, ______!
Pol:I’m sorry but-
Bas:Now look here, Polly-
Pol:We were just saying goodbye and then-
Bas:I mean, ______? ______
______? I mean we are running a nice, respectable, high- I’m sorry, _____
______?
Pol:No, I was er, just looking for-
Bas:No, no, obviously I said something ______!
Pol:No, ______!
Bas:Ah well, so long as I amuse the staff – I mean, ______!
Pol:Ah – I’ll just take these in, shall I?
Bas:And er, one other thing, Polly – I’m afraid we’ve abandoned the idea of the
______– so ______before you go in where people may be trying to eat?
Pol:______!
Bas:And Polly – ______, please?
Pol:I’m on form tonight! Yes, Mr Fawlty?
Bas:I know these kind of drawings are considered decent at art school, but would you please not leave them lying around ______?
Pol:______!
Bas:I mean, really! Hah!
Bas:Hello – Fawlty Titties! Yes, yes – oh, it’s you, Audrey – yes! Oh, ______
______, has he? Oh, dear – oh, dear!______– hmm – yes! Ah, good evening, Major! Yes, ______! Yes, well
______! Hmm, yes, well keep your pecker up – bye! Dreadful!
Jean:Oh, ______, Alan!
Alan:(imitates dog) Hello! ______!
Bas:______?
Alan:Yes, ______! The name is-
Bas:______- ______!
Alan:______!
Bas:______?
Alan:Nothing!
Bas:______!
Alan:No!
Bas:______?
Jean:Yes, thank you!
Bas:______?
Alan:______, yes!
Bas:Well ______, please?
Alan:Yes, it’s Bruce!
Bas:Mr and Mrs Bruce.
Alan:______!
Jean:______?
Bas:______?
Jean:______?
Bas:______?
Jean:Yes!
Bas:Well ______– I mean, ______?
Alan:Oh, ______, yes!
Bas:Well I’ll have to ______, then!
Alan:______!
Bas:Well I mean- Oh, never mind! Yes, all right!
Jean:______?
Bas:______?
Jean:Well – is it- is it airy?
Bas:Well ______! I mean, what the-
Jean:Oh! ______!
Bas:What?
Jean:______!
Bas:______!
Jean:Yes – Jean Wilson!
Bas:Jean Wilson – ______?
Jean:Mm hm!
Alan:(laughs)
Bas:Now what’s going on here? Well ______!
Alan:Oh, Lord!Er-
Bas:______!
Alan:______?
Bas:______– ______!
Alan:______?
Bas:______! I can give you two singles if you like, but erm-
Alan:Cor - ______?
Jean:Oh, it’s too late now!
Bas:Excuse me!
Pei:Well there’s my key - and now I’m off to paint the town red!
Bas:______!
Pei:Well er, perhaps I’ll see you later this evening?
Bas:Yes, my wife and I ______tonight, thank you!
Alan:I can’t believe a word- Excuse me! We’ll have two singles then, ______
______!
Bas:______– certainly! Now er-
Jean:______!
Bas:______– oh, dear! We can’t do that – ______
______! Now-
Syb:Good evening!
Jean, Alan: Good evening!
Bas:Erm-
Syb:______, is it?
Jean:______!
Bas:Two singles, dear – ______! Now, erm-
Syb:______?
Bas:Nothing, dear – ______!
Syb:Well, ______! You’d have to share a bath!
Bas:Ah – oh, er, Audrey called – I’ll handle it – er, George has left her again!
Syb:Oh, no!
Bas:Now ______, and one ______
______-
Syb:______, Basil?
Bas:I’m dealing with it, dear!
Syb:No, dear, that’s all right – now ______-
Bas:______!
Syb:______?
Bas:Look, ______!
Syb:Well ______!
Bas:I fought in the Korean War, you know – I killed four men!
Syb:He was in the Catering Corps – ______!
Bas:Yes? ______?
Man:Is Manuel!
Bas:Well ______?
Man:Er, ______?
Bas:______!
Man:Qué?
Bas:______!
Man:No, no – ______!
Bas:What?
Man:Er, it was about so high!
Bas:No, no, ______- Hécreduto que- ______!
Man:Qué?
Bas:______!
Man:Oh, ______!
Bas:Yes!
Man:No, no, ______!
Bas:______!
Man:What, is OK?
Bas:______!
Man:Thank you!
Bas:Yes?
Man:______!
Bas:______?
Man:Erm, ______!
Bas:Yes, ______!
Man:______!
Bas:Oh, yes!
Man:And for your ______since I come here-
Bas:Not at all, ______!
Man:Since coming here from Spain, ______-
Bas:______!
Man:Qué?
Bas:______! ______!
Man:______, leaving my five brothers and four sisters-
Bas:______– ______!
Syb:______, Basil?
Bas:What dear?
Syb:______!
Bas:______, dear!
Syb:______!
Bas:______, Sybil-
Syb:Basil!
Bas:If you were my size-
Man:______-
Syb:Manuel!
Man:Sí, sí!
Syb:______, please!
Man:Ah, sí, thank you!
Syb:Basil!
Pol:Jean!
Jean:Hello, Pol!
Pol:______?
Jean:Well we couldn’t get in at the Bellevue!
Pol:Oh, no- Hello, Alan!
Jean:It’ll be fun – ______!
Pol:______, ______?
Jean:Mm!
Pol:Well ______!
Alan:Yes, ______!
Pol:Shh! I’m not supposed to hobnob!
Alan:Oh, dear!
Jean:Oh, ______!
Pol:______!
Jean:Are you going to be at Fiona’s wedding?
Pol:I can’t, but ______– in my very own Jean Wilson creation!
Jean:______!
Pol:OK – how’s that gorgeous stepfather?
Jean:Oh, I haven’t seen him for a month – ______!
Alan:Oh, blast!______for my electric razor!______
______, Pol?
Pol:Well you might find a chemist’s!
Alan:Yeah, well, ______– won’t be long!
Jean:Is Richard coming tonight?
Pol:Mm – ______!
Jean:______!
Alan:Hello again! Well, we managed to get it ______!
Bas:Well I wouldn’t know about that – ______?
Alan:Er, yes – look – I know it’s a bit late, but ______
______?
Bas:______?
Alan:______?
Bas:I suppose you think this is funny, do you?
Alan:______?
Bas:Ha haha!
Alan:No, no – ______!
Bas:Oh, do you? ______– ______, ______
______so you’ll just have to wait till tomorrow – sorry! Bit of a blow, ______!
Alan:What?
Bas:Nothing – you heard! ______?
Alan:Well-
Bas:Yes?
Alan:______you’ve got a couple-
Bas:______– just don’t ______! I have a breaking point, you know!
Alan:Well ______!
Bas:______!
Alan:______?
Bas:Batteries, eh? Do you know something? ______!______
______, and ______!
Alan:Wh- ______? I want batteries for my electric razor! ______!
Bas:Oh, yes?
Alan:Yes – ______– look – see?
Bas:______, huh?
Alan:______!
Bas:Well that’s what I was referring to when ______! It is of course disgusting ______! But understandable – I mean sometimes I don’t shave either, and ______! So I shall have a razor sent up to your room straight away! Thank you so much – ______!
Syb:Hello? Audrey – ______? Oh, dear – he hasn’t! Oh, I know!______
______, Audrey, ______! Exactly! ______
______! ______– ______! Oh, ______!
Bas:Are you going on like that the whole night?
Syb:______, Audrey? Oh, ______!______!
Bas:Well ______you then?
Syb:______, dear, ______!
Bas:Oh, ______! I’ll go and clean the roof or something!Ah, ______! ______!
Syb:Yes, yes!
Bas:I expect they forgot to get their passkey!
Syb:______!
Bas:Somebody’d better go and ______!
Syb:Yes!
Bas:______, ______?
Syb:Mm!
Bas:Yes, ______– right, ______! I mean, you know who that is, don’t you? ______– the Kama Sutra set! “______! Welcome to Basil Fawlty Knocking Shops Limited”!
Syb:No, dear – ______!
Bas:______, ______! I mean, ______
______!
Pei:Oh, Mr Fawlty – oh, ______!
Bas:Oh, no – ______!
Pei:Oh, I don’t- ______!
Bas:No, not at all – ______!
Pei:Oh, ______!
Bas:Oh, well-
Pei:Oh, I had just ______!
Bas:______? ______!
Pei:I saw some friends I hadn’t seen for years – ______
______, I’m afraid!
Bas:Oh, dear - I mean,______if one can’t get a bit er-
Pei:Blotto?
Bas:Well hardly blotto, but er-
Pei:Ah, Mr Fawlty, ______!
Bas:Well, ______!
Pei:I hope Mrs Fawlty appreciates ______!
Bas:Well I think ______, but-
Pei:Ooh!
Bas:Oh, sorry – please- Sorry, I beg your pardon! Ah, there we are!
Alan:Oh!
Bas:Sorry, sorry! There you are – well, carry on – ______!
Alan:No, I mean-
Bas:No, it’s quite extraordinary – I mean, the front door bell went just a moment or two ago, and I thought to myself, “Ah! I expect that’ll be Alan and er-” so down I go, and lo and behold, it’s not you at all, it’s Mrs Peignoir – ______? Alan and er – this is Mrs Peignoir – ______, you know, I mean, she deals in antiques – she’s not frightfully old or anything – ha, ha, ha! So, I let her in just ten seconds ago, I mean, hardly five, I mean, hardly time to say good evening – in she comes, drops her thing, down I go, down she goes, and there you are! Bless my soul – it’s going to- Golly, is that the time? My goodness, I was thinking it was a quarter past ten – my God! Well, I’d better get to bed, eh – can’t stand around talking all night – got to get an early night – bye! Sorry!
Alan:______?
Pei:______, ______!______!Bonne nuit!
Jean:Goodnight!
Alan:Jean, ______!
Jean:Mm – ______!
Alan:I won’t!
Syb:______?
Bas:Hmm?
Syb:______?
Bas:Oh, it was your er – ______! Huh! Tsh – cor!
Jean:______!
Pei:Bonne nuit!
Bas:Oh, and that er, ______er-
Syb:Mrs Peignoir?
Bas:Er, yes, ______! Mm!
Pei:Dormezbien, Mr Fawlty!
Bas:How’s Audrey?
Syb:______!
Syb:Ah! ______, ______!
Bas:______, Sybil!
Syb:______, Basil?
Bas:______? Sorry, Sybil!Erm, well I’d better ______
______, Sybil!Ha, ha! I expect it’s some key who forgot to get ______– something like that – hmm, some ______
______! Hah! ______, Sybil?
Syb:______!
Bas:Right, well ______then, Sybil!______, Sybil?
Bas:Hello? Hello? Ah!
Man:Olé! Oh, so sorry, Mr Fawlty! Oh, poor Mr Fawlty!
Syb:Basil – are you all right?
Bas:No, I’m dying, but ______!
Man:I hurt you – and you so wonderful to me – ______
______! Thank you, thank you!
Bas:______, Manuel!
Man:No, no, no, no! ______! Is my first one –
Bas:Now listen-
Man:Thank you – ah! Oh, oh, poor Mr Fawlty – so, so sorry, please! Mr Fawlty,______
______! ______! You so kind to me, you so good to me! ______, ______!
Syb:Basil, ______!
Man:______, ______
______and four aunties with no-
Maj:Ha, ha, ha!
Bas:Et maintenant – un peu de café?
Pei:Ah, oui, s’ilvousplaît, café au lait!
Bas:Café______?
Pei:Au lait!
Bas:Ah! Olé – ______!
Bas:There we are – voilà sommes nous – café pour vous!
Pei:Vous? Pas pour “toi”?
Bas:Er, well ______!
Pei:Oh, ______!
Bas:Oh, good, good!
Pei:Oh, Mr Fawlty – I forget – er, ______–
______. ______?
Bas:Oh, certainly – I’ll pop up and fix it!______!
Man:For you – and ______- Oh, no!
Bas:______!
Man:______!
Bas:Go to the kitchen, Manuel!
Man:______!
Bas:Manuel, ______!
Man:No, no, no!
Bas:______, Manuel!
Man:No, please, ______– please!
Bas:Sorry about this! He’s been ______!
Pol:______?
Bas:No, ______, thank you, Polly!
Man:Oh, no, oh, Mr, Mr Fawlty! Oh no, please – is too much!
Alan:______, look!
Jean:______!
Bas:______?
Jean:______!
Bas:______!
Alan:No, no, no – ______!
Bas:______!
Syb:Thank you, Mr Lloyd – and ______, isn’t it?
Phillip Lloyd: ______!
Syb:______?
Phil:Oh, ______, I’m afraid! We’ve got this wedding at half past two!
Syb:Ooh!
Rachel Lloyd:I wonder, ______?
Syb:Oh, please – ______!
Rach:Thank you!
Phil:Er, would it be possible to ______?
Syb:Certainly – ______! I’ll have your bags brought up in a moment!
Phil:Thank you!
Syb:Er, ______?
Rach:Yes, please!
Jean:Mum!
Rach:Hello, darling, hello! Hello, Alan!
Alan:Hello, Rachel!
Jean:Oh, where’s Phillip? ______?
Rach:______– ______!
Jean:Oh!
Rach:Oh - could I speak to Mrs Brice, please?
Jean:______!
Rach:All right, darling!
Alan:______!
Rach:Right oh, love!
Syb:There they are!
Bas:______?
Syb:______, Basil!
Bas:______!
Rach:Anne? It’s Rachel Lloyd here!______?
Bas:______!
Rach:Yes, ______!
Jean:Darling, ______– thank you! Oh! Oh! Oh, lovely!
Bas:Sybil – Sybil! Ah, hello!
Rach:Hello!
Bas:It’s Mrs Lloyd, isn’t it?
Rach:______!
Bas:Ah, how do you do - Fawlty – Basil Fawlty!
Rach:______?
Bas:Oh, pretty well, really – ______! Hah, hah, hah!
Rach:______!
Bas:Yes, well we had this door knocked through recently – made – rather a good job of it, ______?
Rach:Yes, yes – ______!
Bas:Yes, marvellous – oh, ______– you know, we used to have to do the hundred yards through there and back again, but now we can just ______, and er– oh, dear – it isn’t working as well as it usually does – (laughs) – open it and er, ______!______! Marvellous, really – you know, sort of simple, but effective! ______
______?
Rach:Well I – I – I-
Bas:See the kitchens, and er-
Rach:______, but I think just now I’d better get upstairs, so ______
______!
Bas:Aargh! Ah!
Rach:______?
Bas:Ah! Bit of trouble with the old leg – I’d better just ______just for a moment! Bit of shrapnel – Korean war – ______!
Rach:Oh, I see – ______?
Bas:No – ______, ______!Er, well, ______, as you can see-
Rach:What? I-
Bas:______– yes, we had it plastered about five years ago – we’ve got a few er, a few cracks up there now but- Oh, er, ______– hah, he’s just having ______! He’s Spanish – from Barcelona – you know,
______, but he’s, he’s fine!
Man:(groans)
Bas:______– anyway, weer, we’ve had a few cracks up there now, but er, ______, er, so as I say, it’s er, it’s, it’s not the Sistine Chapel, but ______, you know!
Rach:______?
Bas:Oh yes, yes, ______, yes!
Rach:______!
Bas:______?______?
Rach:Well ______?
Bas:______– listen, I just remembered I left your cases ______
______, erm, er, er, would you mind if I went up and put them inside there? Unless there’s anything else you’d like to-
Rach:Well ______we should open-
Bas:No, no, no – ______– ______
______– Sybil! So if you, you’d like to er-would you-
______, ______!
Phil:______!
Pol:______, Mr Lloyd!
Phil:Polly!
Pol:Hello!
Phil:______?
Pol:______!
Phil:Oh, ______!
Pol:______!
Phil:Ho, ho, ho! My dear, dear, dear!
Rach:______?
Bas:Mrs Lloyd, ______?
Rach:______!
Bas:Yes – well ______that I need to explain!
Rach:______?
Bas:Er, ______?
Rach:Oh, really? ______?
Bas:______! Thank you!
Bas:Mrs Lloyd, I’m so sorry – but – this is – erm, ______than the one we’ve given you!
Rach:______?
Bas:I’m sorry, I was just saying that ______
______, and I wanted to bring you in here now, and show it to you and apologise, in case you______, and got rather cross! Now, erm, the point is – what is it? – the point is, if it turns out ______, erm, then we can always move you in here, but I don’t think it’s worth doing until you’ve definitely decided that ______
______, and then we can sort of sit down, a round table, sort of ______, you know, kind of chew it over, and er – and it would be ______– Bob’s your uncle! OK? Ah – fine! If you’d er- oh, sorry, sorry! Thank you!
Phil:Er, thank you – thank you very much! ______, darling! Mm! Darling –darling – ______?
Rach:______as the one that he tried to-
Pol:Ah, genius! Absolutely smashing!
Jean:______!
Pol:No, ______!
Alan:______, ______, ______!
Jean:______?
Pol:Mm! ______?
Jean:Yeah!
Alan:Lower, lower, low- Ah! Hah, hah – that’s it, that’s it! Oh, ______!______!(laughter) Oooh! Very good, very good – ______
______?
Pol:Ah - so, ______, huh? And thank you – that’s ______!
Bas:No – no, no, no! No, no, no! No, no, no, no! No!
Bas:Ah, Polly, I want to see you at reception in ______!
Pol:______?
Bas:______!
Pol:______?
Bas:No – no, not that - you, you!
Bas:______!
Syb:______?
Bas:______! I’m sorry, but you’ll have to go – we made a mistake – ______! Hello?
Jean:______!
Alan:______, I found him lying on the floor, ______!
Bas:I’m sorry but- Ah, there you are! ______, have you? Yes, yes, ______, mightn’t I? Yes, I see – of course we’re a bit behind the times down here in Torquay – but I’m sorry – but you’ll have to go!
______– all these rooms are taken - I’m so sorry! Well actually I’m not – so I mean, ______, and well, well to be perfectly blunt, you have a very good time at our expense – hmm? I mean, ______, hmm? I mean you have had ______, ______, haven’t you? Well not here you don’t! Oh, no – ______!
Bas:Well – that’s taken care of that!
Syb:Basil, ______? Why did you tell Polly ______
______?
Bas:______– along with the Lloyds, and ______– I’ve never seen anything like it in my life – my God!
Syb:Basil, ______? ______?
Bas:I’ll tell you exactly why they’re leaving – first of all I go up there, and I find that, that______– in Lloyd’s arms – ______,
______!
Syb:______?
Bas:______– ______!
Syb:______!
Bas:What?
Syb:______– ______!
Bas:______?
Syb:______– ______!
Bas:For years, huh?
Syb:For years!
Bas:______?
Syb:______?
Bas:______!
Syb:______?
Bas:Well ______? Why didn’t you tell me, you half-wit? Why didn’t they tell me? You can’t blame me for this!
Syb:______!
Bas:______?
Syb:______!
Bas:Oh, no, no – ______, isn’t it?
Syb:______– ______!
Bas:______!
Syb:______!
Bas:______!
Syb:______!
Bas:______– ______! Yes, that’s right – leave it to me – let me get you out of it! Hmm? ______, isn’t it? “Basil Fawlty Limited – other people’s messes cleared up, by appointment to my wife Sybil”! I mean, ______?
Syb:______!
Bas:Oh, ______!______! Is that what made Britain great? “I’m so sorry, I made a mistake!” What have you got for brains? Sponge cake?
Bas:Well very nice, very nice – ______-______– I’m so sorry, I made a mistake – I’m so sorry, I made a mistake – I’m so sorry, I made a mistake! I’m sorry – I’m so sorry, but ______! ______, but she did – she’s made a complete pudding of the whole thing as usual – it’ll be perfectly all right for you to stay – I’ve sorted it all out, I’m frightfully sorry, but you know what women are like – they’ve got one brain between the lot of them – well not all of them, but I mean some of them have, including my wife! So please, do stay, and see you all later on! Thank you so much! I’m so sorry, I was just saying, please do stay – my wife made a most dreadful mistake!
Phil:Yes, I er – ______!
Maj:Evening, Fawlty!
Bas:Ah, evening, Major!
Maj:______?
Bas:Oh, yes – sorry they’re so late – didn’t get here till five! I’ll have to ______!
Maj:Well ______?
Bas:Oh, she’s spending the night at Audrey’s – you know, George has walked out on her again, so ______!