MALE MONOLOGUES

SCHROEDER-You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown, by Clark Gesner and John Gordon (Comedy)

I’m sorry to have to say it to our face, Lucy, but it’s true. You’re a very crabby person. I know your crabbiness has probably become so natural to you now that you’re crabby to just about everyone you meet. Now I hope you don’t mind my saying this, Lucy, and I hope you’re take it in the spirit that it’s meant. I think we should be very open to any opportunity to learn more about ourselves. I think Socrates was very right when he said that one of the first rules for anyone I life is ‘Know Thyself’. Well, I guess I’ve said about enough. I hope I haven’t offended you or anything.

ELLARD SIMS-The Foreigner by Larry Shue(Comedy)

Don’t tell me you’ve never seen a knife. Knife. That’s a knife. Use it to cut things. Cut things. (Mimes) Like - ham. If we had some ham. Or bacon, or sump’m. I can’t believe you don’t - , (Looks around for help. There is none.) Or butter. If we had some butter, you could use it to spread it on - . You don’t really need it. No, you don’t need it. (Demonstrating.) Put it down. Bad Uh - . (Charlie now holds a spoon.) Yeah, now that’s your spoon. Use that to put sugar in your coffee, if you had some sugar, here. And you had some coffee - shoot. I don’t really know why we got all these things. But your fork – man, I wish somebody else’d help you with this, ‘cause I don’t know anything, but - I think that your fork – your fork’d be the main thing you’d use. ‘Cause you got your eggs, and you got your grits. Y’see? Eat ‘em with a fork, just like we been doin’. Can – you – say – ‘fork’? ‘Faw-werk.’ Two parts. ‘Faw-werk.’ . . . Right. Put ‘em together. ‘Faw-werk’ . . . Good! That was great!

MAX BIALYSTOCK-The Producers by Mel Brooks (Comedy) How humiliation. Max Bialystock! Max Bialystock! You know who I used to be? Max Bialystock! King of Broadway! Six shows running at once! Lunch at Del Monaco’s, $200 suits. You see this? This once held a pearl as big as your eye! . . . Look at me now. Look at me now! I’m wearing a cardboard belt! I used to have thousands of investors begging, pleading to put their money into Max Bialystock production. Look at my investors now . . . voila! Hundreds of little old ladies stopping a t Max Bialystock’s office to grab a last thrill on their way to the cemetery!(pause) You have exactly ten seconds to change that look of disgusting pity into one of enormous respect . . . one…two…

ARTHUR KROMAN-The Goodbye People by Herb Gardner(Comedy) Stupid New York Times. . . (Dialing phone) Who ya supposed to believe any more? Who ya supposed to trust? (Into phone.) Hello, New York Times? I think we got a problem here. We got a definite problem here. Your Late City Edition says here, page 70, column 3: “February 22; sunrise: 6:41.” O.K., well it’s six forty-eight now, and I don’t know what’s happening up n your neighborhood, lady, but down here we got darkness. . . Well, if you’re just the operator, then who’s responsible, who’s on top of the sunrise situation over there…City Desk? Fine. Lemme speak to them. . . Who’s this? Mr. Mallory? Mr. Mallory, look out your window. What do ya see? That’s called darkness, Mr. Mallory. That’s nighttime you go t goin’ on our there. My name is Arthur Kroman, a regular subscriber to your publication, come at great inconvenience to myself to witness the birth of a new day, come on the B.M.T. I quest of beauty and getting’ my butt froze off in total blackness down here! What the hell’re you guys usin’ for weather information up there? What’re ya, a buncha gypsies up there!

ARNOLD-The Boys Next Door by Tom Griffin(Comedy) My name is Arnold Wiggins. I’m basically a nervous person. People call me Arnold because I don’t have a nickname. So I pretend that Arnold is my nickname so that when people call me Arnold, I pretend that they are close personal friends who know me by my nickname: Arnold. I live here at the Stonehenge Villa apartment complex in a group apartment with three other guys. Did I mention I’m a nervous person? Well, frankly, I am. Today I went to the market at the end of the street to get some Wheaties. But I couldn’t remember whether I wanted one box or more boxes, so I asked the manager how many boxes I should get. “For just you?” he said. “Yes, sir,” I said. “Seventeen,” he said. “Thank you,” I said. (Pause.) Do you think I did the right thing?

DYLAN: Christmas Super Powers(Comedy)

I really don’t think it’s too much to ask. I’ve done everything you told me to in your letter last year. I’ve stopped hitting my little brother. I don’t complain—very much—when I have to do homework. I even donated seven toys to Goodwill yesterday ‘cause Mom said I didn’t have enough room for anything more. So I’m ready, Santa. I’m only asking you for one thing this year. And you can try to steer me away from it all you want by telling me about how you made a new truck this year and how I can do hundreds of things with a big set of blocks and how there are some funny books out there you know I’ll like. But it won’t stop me from asking for it. It’s why I’ve been so good this year and why I know you’re going to listen to me. So I’ll tell you again.

I want a Super-Power Machine that will make me fast like The Flash and create force fields like the Green Lantern and make me fly like Superman. Or one of your reindeers.

It’s not too much to ask.

I look forward to Christmas morning.

ROSS-Visiting Mr. Green by Jeff Baron(Dramatic) Hi, Mr. Green. It’s Ross. I’m here. You’re thrilled, I know. My lawyer and my city council women both called me the judge. He’s not gonna change his mind. There’s mail in your mailbox. We could wait until it explodes again, or you could just give me the key and I’ll go down and get it. Though I see you’re still savoring last week’s mail. I don’t see a clock in here. I can bring you one. So you’ll know when to expect me. I’ll be here every Thursday, seven o’clock sharp. That’s gonna be a lot easier, now that I’ve told my boss about you. I didn’t actually mention the accident. I don’t want to be known around the company for mowing down eighty-six-year-olds. I just told him I’m doing some volunteer work. Come on, Mr. Green. Don’t let you soup get cold.

OSCAR-The Odd Couple by Neil Simon (Dramatic) Are you finished? Good. Because now I’m going to tell you off. . .For six months I lived alone in this apartment. All alone in eight rooms. . .I was dejected, despondent and disgusted. . .Then you moved in. My dearest and closest friend. . .And after three weeks of close, personal contact-I am about to have a nervous breakdown!...Do me a favor. Move into the kitchen. Live with your pots, your pans, your ladle, and your meat thermometer. . .When you want to come out, ring a bell and I’ll run into the bedroom. I’m asking you nicely, Felix. . .As a friend. . .Stay out of my way!

EDDIE-Lost in Yonkers by Neil Simon(Dramatic) You’re right, Momma. I am the weak one. I am the crybaby…Always was. When you wouldn’t pick me up and hug me as a child, I cried… When my brother and sister died, I cried. . .And I still haven’t stopped crying since Evelyn died… But you’re wrong about one thing. She never turned me against you. She turned me towards her. . .To loving, to caring, to holding someone when they need holding. . .I’m sorry about not bringing the boys out here more. Maybe the reason I didn’t was because I was afraidthey’d learn something here that I tried to forget. . .Maybe they just learned it today. . .

HENRY: Hall Pass(Dramatic)

You go ahead and try. You’ll find I’m pretty much unhurtable, Brady Cutter. You couldn’t hurt me if you left me a bleeding heap on the floor. You gonna hurt me so bad? Is that what you’re gonna do? You go right

ahead. You think you’re different, OLD friend? You think you can swing your way by with an easy wave and get what you want? You can’t. And the sooner you learn that message baby, the better. I’ve met you a million times before in a million different empty-headed losers who love calling me dude. You go ahead and hurt me, it’s happened before and it’ll happen again. All you’ll do is prove you’re the same kind of monster I meet every day. You’re no different. You’re the same empty dusty shell of a human being and all you have ahead of you is a wasted life of nothing. You’re nothing, Brady. You’re no one and you’re no one I would ever want to know. You’re no friend of mine. Got it? Cat got your tongue, dude? Got nothing to say to me now, do you? Do you?! Say something!