TRAINING THE
GATEKEEPERS
This workshop has been funded by a strategic grant from the Jewish Community Federation of San Francisco, the Peninsula, Marin and Sonoma Counties.
TRAINING THE GATEKEEPERS
SCHEDULE
12:00 Registrations and Lunch
12:15 Welcome and Introduction of Project Welcome, Leaders and Participants
12:30 Text Study with Nancy Gennet
12:50 Keynote
1:20 Statistics on Intermarriage
1:40 BREAK
1:50 Example Role Play
Putting your feet in the shoes of a caller
Handling those difficult, angry callers
2:20 Small Group Discussions:
Three opportunities to play out real situations. Each group will work for 30 minutes.
Group 1: Interfaith Birth and LGBT Interfaith Caller
Group 2: Conversion and Interfaith Wedding
Group 3: Interfaith mourning and Interfaith Bar Mitzvah
3:50 BREAK
4:00 What Makes Good Service?
Accentuating the Positive!
A guide to great phone reception
4:30 Q and A/Summary of Learning/Evaluations
Data collection
Voice Mail
Karen Kushner, M.S.W., Project Welcome Director
Karen worked as a family educator, therapist, and lecturer before becoming the director of Project Welcome in 2003. For over twenty years, she taught religious school to teenagers and primary students and designed a Hebrew curriculum for second graders learning with their parents. She has co-authored, with Anita Diamant, How to be a Jewish Parent: A Practical Handbook for Family Life. And, with her husband, Lawrence Kushner, she has written Because Nothing Looks Like God, (an adult theology for very young children) as well as a Teachers' and Parents' guide. She is the mother of three adult children and grandmother of three.
Nancy Gennet, M.S.W
Nancy Gennet, the daughter of an interfaith marriage, has been involved in work with individuals considering conversion to Judaism since her own conversion in 1986. She is a social worker with a background in family therapy. Nancy was the Director of Outreach for the Pacific Central West Region of The Union for Reform Judaism in 2003-2004 and attended the URJ Outreach Fellowship for Conversion Certification in 2003. She is currently a member of the URJ Commission on Outreach and Synagogue Community.
/ PROJECT WELCOME / The Union for Reform Judaism235 Montgomery Street, Suite 1120, San Francisco, CA 94104
Karen Kushner, M.S.W., Director; Shira Butler, Program Associate
415.392.7080
TABLE OF CONTENTS
TEXT STUDY: PARASHAT VA’YERA…………………………………………………………...4
STATISTICS ON INTERMARRIAGE ……………………………………………………………5
ROLE PLAY: CALLER SCENARIOS……………………………………..……………………….6
ACCENTUATE THE POSITIVE………………………………………………………………….9
PUTTING YOUR FEET IN THE SHOES OF A CALLER …………………………...………….10
DIFFICULT SITUATIONS AND ANGRY CALLERS ……….…………………………….…….11
A GUIDE TO GREAT PHONE RECEPTION…………………..………………………………12
PHONE INQUIRY DATA COLLECTION FORM …………………………………….……...13
VOICE MAIL GUIDE……………………………………………………………………………14
PHONE ASSESSMENT INVENTORY…………………………………………………………..15
10
Parashat Va’yera
Genesis 18:1 – 22:24 – Va’yera (This translation was taken from the JPS Tanakh)
1 The Lord appeared to him by the terebinths of Mamre; he was sitting at the entrance of the tent as the day grew hot. 2 Looking up, he saw three men standing near him. As soon as he saw them, he ran from the entrance of the tent to greet them and, bowing to the ground, 3 he said, “My lords, if it please you, do not go on past your servant. 4 Let a little water be brought; bathe your feet and recline under the tree. 5 And let me fetch a morsel of bread that you may refresh yourselves; then go on seeing that you have come your servant’s way.” They replied, “Do as you have said.”
Abraham hastened into the tent to Sarah, and said, “Quick, three seahs of choice flour! Knead and make cakes!” 7 Then Abraham ran to the herd, took a calf, tender and choice, and gave it to a servant-boy, who hastened to prepare it. 8 He took curds and milk and the calf that had been prepared and set these before them; and he waited on them under the tree as they ate.
Our Jewish Community: Connections and Opportunities
There are 125,000 Jewish households in the Bay Area that include 64.000 non-Jews.
Inmarried
Intermarried
Sonoma Marin SF N. Peninsula S. Peninsula
County County County
REGION / MARRIAGE / Belongs to Synagogue / Volunteered for Jewish organization / Attended JCC / Belongs to Jewish organizationSonoma / In married / 51% / 56% / 22% / 44%
Intermarried / 9% / 16% / 0% / 9%
Marin / In married / 66% / 71% / 53% / 39%
Intermarried / 17% / 20% / 34% / 12%
San Francisco / In married / 36% / 31% / 22% / 24%
Intermarried / 15% / 21% / 34% / 0%
North Peninsula / In married / 32% / 23% / 3% / 31%
Intermarried / 11% / 14% / 19% / 18%
South Peninsula / In married / 50% / 76% / 57% / 46%
Intermarried / 12% / 20% / 4% / 1%
Jewish Diversity:
► By geography: Largets population in South Peninsula, fastest growth in Sonoma County
► By household: Single-person households now 44% of the total (from 33% in 1986), single parent households growing fast
► By age: 45-64 age group now 30% of the total, up from 25%
25-44 age group now 21%, down from 33%
► By affinity: 33,000 seniors, 26,000 Russian speakers, 15,000 LGBT, 13,000 Israelis
Who We Are
55% of Married Couples are Interfaith
► The national average is 59%
Connecting the Next Generation
Most children are being raised with a Jewish connection:
41% with two Jewish Parent 18% with a 42% by interfaith parents
Jewish single parent
Role Play
Take turns role playing the following brief scenarios that have been adapted from actual phone calls. Notice that, in each case, the tone of the voice of the caller gives the clue to the feelings underneath. See how the emotions we talked about make you feel and change your response.
After each role play, discuss:
Ø What are your own feelings as you take this call?
Ø How does it affect you when the caller is sad, scared, defensive, or angry?
Caller Scenarios
Example - Intermarried Caller:
“Someone told me that, if I join your temple, my husband and I won’t be able to be buried together in your cemetery. Is that true? Just because he’s Presbyterian? Who can I talk to about this? No, I don’t want to give my name. Why does Judaism try to drive us all away?”
First Response: “Oh dear, is one of you very sick? I hope not. When one of us is ill, our caring community can bring you meals and help with rides to doctors.”
Policy Questions:
Ø Do you know the policy of your congregation regarding burial?
Ø If you know that her statement is false, how would you tell her that?
Ø If the statement is true, who can you refer her to?
Ø If you do not know the policy, do you know who does? Who could you ask?
Ø If the rabbi is not available and the caller does not wish to leave her name, who else could address this?
Ø How will you address her last question? Who can reassure her that she will not be driven away?
Closing: “I am glad you called and I hope that you see that we care about people here”
The issue behind the Issue:
The caller is angry at being rejected by the Jewish community. She needs to know that your community will not reject her family. Everyone is looking for a welcoming community.She needs to know that they will not be the only intermarried couple and that the congregation has thought about their policies.
If there are only a few mixed couples in your synagogue or active in your organization, what else about the congregation or organization might appeal to her and reassure her or the welcome of intermarried families? Who can connect her with other families in the congregation who might have similar family situations?
Caller Scenarios, cont.
Interfaith LGBT Caller:
“My name is Betsy Stern. My partner is Julie Morgan and we are a gay interfaith couple. and we are looking to join a Temple/organization that has other families like ours. We have adopted a beautiful Chinese daughter, Sophia Morgan-Stern, and want to know if there will be other families like ours at your synagogue. In your organization”
First Response:
Policy Questions:
Closing:
Interfaith Wedding Caller:
“I have a unique problem. I’m Unitarian and I’m marrying a Jewish woman. Will your rabbi do our wedding on Saturday afternoon, June 17?”
First Response:
Policy Questions:
Closing:
Birth Rituals Caller:
“This is Jeff Schwartz. I’m calling from the hospital. Megan, my wife who is not Jewish, just delivered a baby boy. We are not members but we have attended High Holidays and other events. I have some questions. Do we have to have a bris to have a Hebrew name for our son? Could we have a naming at the synagogue later? I want a baby naming because I don't believe in circumcision.Will you help us?” Does it matter if he’s being baptized as well?”
First Response:
Policy Questions:
Closing:
Conversion Caller:
“This is Katie Lee. I’m thinking about converting to Judaism. What does that involve? Can I talk to someone?”
First Response:
Policy Questions:
Closing:
Ritual Participation for Non-Jewish Family Members
“My name is Marvin Newman. My son will become a bar mitzvah next August. My wife Jody and her parents are not Jewish. I’d like to know what role they can have in the bar mitzvah.”
First Response:
Policy Questions:
Closing:
Funeral and Bereavement Callers
“Hi, this is Faith Brown, my father died last night and I am flying to Tulsa for the funeral. Can you use the phone chain to let people know? I know what wonderful comfort the synagogue provided to my mother-in law when Josh’s father died. Is there anything you can do for me?”
First Response:
Policy Questions:
Closing:
Questions/Responses
► How do I sign up for classes to become Jewish?
Determine with your rabbi what the response should be. Most likely, your rabbi will want you to refer the caller to him/her, rather than just signing them up. If you do not have basic Judaism classes or even if you do it’s wise to have information available on the basic facts—where, when, cost—of other local “Introduction to Judaism” classes and Outreach programs such as “A Taste of Judaism: Are You Curious?”, “Stepping Stones to a Jewish Me ” and educational or discussion programs for interfaith couples.
► Where do I go to buy something my husband calls a “your-sight” (yahrzeit) candle?
Know the various local stores that sell them and share that information. But first, offer to explain what a yahrzeit candle is and how it’s used (see glossary). This applies to any ritual object that a caller may inquire about. Remember, if you are not certain of the answer, refer the call to someone else or offer to find out and call back shortly.
► Someone told me Jewish people don’t send flowers for funerals. What should I send?
Discuss the appropriateness of making a memorial contribution or sending food to the shiva home. Again, be ready to explain such terms as “shiva.” Suggest some local establishments from which they can order food.
► I’m invited to a bar mitzvah at your temple and I’ve never been to a Jewish service. What will I have to do?
Assure them that many visitors who are not Jewish attend your services and then explain the customs of your particular congregation. What is the appropriate attire for men and women? Will most people wear kipot? Will a visitor be able to follow the service? Is it appropriate to participate? Also, explain what, as guests, they will not have to do.
Accentuate the Positive
How you deliver your answer is important! Sometimes what callers want, you cannot give them. Preparing a positive response may make the difference in whether they feel welcome or not.
Negative MessagesThe rabbi is busy and cannot talk to you.
We don’t do that here. (writing
on Shabbat, )
I am too busy to do that; that is not in my job description.
/ Positive Messages
I will have the rabbi call you as soon as possible.
Let me see if I can find a way for you to get that information to you after Shabbat
I would be happy to help edit that or help you to copy that. Let me know when you are ready.
Putting Your Feet in the Shoes of a Caller
Remember the caller may have never been in a synagogue or Jewish agency. They could be feeling any or all of these emotions:
• nervousness • embarrassment
• uneasiness • fear
• excitement • confusion
• shyness • apprehension
• guilt • curiosity
The caller may be part of an intermarried couple and be expecting to be rejected or mistreated. They could be feeling any or all of these emotions:
· anger
· defensiveness
· guilt
· embarrassment
· fear of rejection
Difficult Situations and Angry Callers
Angry or upset callers speak loudly and rapidly because they have a story about how they have been mistreated that they want you to hear. They may be angry with a particular situation, or a person. But since you answered the phone, their anger will spill out onto you. Here are some tips for defusing their anger and moving towards a solution.
1. Listen patiently to their story. Summarize or paraphrase to show your understanding of the content.
2. Empathize to show that you understand the caller’s feelings.
3. Remember they are not angry at you.
4. Apologize if it seems the synagogue or agency is responsible. Acknowledge their experience, even if it’s not the synagogue’s fault.
5. Get as many facts as you can. This shows you care about their issue.
6. Make sure that the caller is transferred to the right person and that the facts you have collected get transferred as well. If the right person is not available take responsibility for making sure they get called back.