Healthy Boundaries in SI Recovery
What are boundaries?
Boundaries, generally, are the mental thresholds or fences that enable us to function in everyday life without needing to constantly decide whether a choice or an environment is appropriate. For example, avoiding more than one piece of cake, or perhaps any cake at all, when you’re on a particular type of diet. Or, by way of a more relevant example, automatically avoiding sources of sensual temptation such as sexually-themed bars, media, or groups. Boundaries define the behaviors that protect our values or convictions, and for those of us in recovery, they define the behaviors that indicate whether we are still in recovery or about to risk relapse.
How do I establish boundaries?
Boundaries are created when we establish thresholds we will not cross, and aid us in recovery by clearly delineating behaviors in which we will or won’t engage. You should prayerfully review the Bible and recovery materials when setting or changing boundaries.
Your boundaries must be consistent and clear in order to effectively support your recovery. You must not continuously reevaluate and renegotiate your boundaries with yourself, or they become meaningless. And, boundaries are set with yourself; they must not be subject to the direction or approval of someone else, although you should discuss your boundaries with your sponsor and, perhaps, your accountability partner(s). Your boundaries should be set based on your current stage of recovery and potentially should be revised as your recovery progresses. A set of boundaries right for me may not be right for you. For example, a boundary set that included absolutely no self-gratification is often unachievable for people first entering recovery. Insistence that everyone adhere to such a boundary from the first day can discourage them to such an extent that they may abandon their recovery due to a legalistic boundary.
A sample set of SI boundaries:
- Sex only inside of marriage*
- No sexual objectification of your wife or others*
- Avoiding pornographic or sexually graphic media*
- Avoiding businesses or practitioners in the sex industry*
- Avoiding sexually graphic blogs or chat rooms*
- Avoiding any non-sexual media that you personally sexualize*
- Avoiding sexual self-gratification as you progress in recovery*
- Avoiding sexually- or relationship-inappropriate flirting or conversation
- Avoidance of fantasizing about other partners during, or outside of, sex with your wife
- Lending a sympathetic ear to women who are lonely or having marital or relationship problems only when your wife is present, and never if you are single
- Spending time with female friends only in groups
- If you are single and dating, only spending time together in public places or in accountable groups such as family, friends, or church groups
The foregoing sample boundaries are usually found as the core of any SI recovery, and the ones marked with an asterisk are typically considered inviolable. In other words, your boundaries may vary, but you are not in recovery if you are willfully violating any of the sample boundaries marked with an asterisk.
Do I have to restart my recovery count if I break one or more boundaries?
Maybe. However, you must decide whether you’ve broken a boundary; was it really broken or just tested severely? For example, severe temptation to commit sexual sin that would violate one or more boundaries does not itself break a boundary unless you indulge the temptation through fantasy or action. If you are unsure, you should prayerfully discuss the issue with your sponsor, or perhaps with a closely trusted accountability partner. Boundaries should be set at places that warn you before you relapse. Crossing a boundary should alert you that you are in serious danger of relapsing. A one-time or very brief lapse can be a prolapse rather than a relapse, if you learn from it and immediately return to recovery where you left off.
The key to continuing to count your recovery is to determine whether you have permanently or temporarily abandoned the commitment you made to recover. This would include “taking a break” from recovery. Also, are your boundaries progressing over time? Similarly, if you are repeatedly engaging in self-gratification, you are not fully in recovery, although you could still be committed to recovery.
Be careful! Breaking one boundary to ease stress can result in cascade violations of multiple boundaries!
Healthy Boundaries In SI Recovery.docRev 3 20100312