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Topic: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement:
Young people enjoy life more than older people do.
Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.
Generally speaking[TT1], I believe that young people can enjoy life better[TT2]. I feel this way[TT3], because they do not have many commitments, [TT4]most of them need to only focus on their studies at college or university. Thus, they can enjoy life more.
First of all, it is important to consider young people[TT5] independence. Most of them do not have many important responsibilities as[TT6] paying the[TT7] mortgage, having a child, buying a car,[TT8] paying for expenses like insurance. Before[TT9] they start their own family, whey[TT10] would like to explore the world. Therefore, they try to travel, see new countries, meet new people, and explore new cultures. Moreover, they can travel very low cost[TT11]. They can choose cheap tickets for an airplane, (even though they have to spend more time on the way to get to the desired destination), [TT12]affordable accommodation,[TT13] they do not need to go to fancy restaurants. On the other had[TT14], these things are really important for[TT15] older people. They cannot really look at the price of airplane tickets,[TT16] they have to see how long does the journey take[TT17]. The[TT18] age and health issues are starting[TT19] to be a major problem for them[TT20]. For example, my mother-in law cannot travel long distance on the plane [TT21]because of the[TT22] problems with knees.[TT23] She cannot sit in the same position for longer than 3 [TT24]hours. This is a major problem for her. Therefore[TT25], we should enjoy life fully when we are healthy, young and have plenty of time.
Secondly, I believe that young people can enjoy life better, because they have more spare time. They can use this time for many things, like going to movies, going for unlimited [TT26]parties and much more. They do not need to care what time they need to[TT27] be home.
By way of conclusion, based on the arguments explored above, I am of the opinion that young adults can enjoy their life's[TT28]more[TT29]. They should use this chance of exploring [TT30]as much as possible before they have any commitments. After they settle down and have families, their plans need to go aside.[TT31]
General:
Here is a revised copy of your first essay. I've use the in-text commenting feature of MS word. Can you see it okay? If my comments are not visible you should go to the "review" menu (in English) and select "Final: Show Markup." You should also select "Reviewing Panel: Vertical" to get a better look at the comments in full. Let me know if you have any problems seeing the comments.
Your structure is alright. Your grammar is fairly good, though there is lots of room to improve. Your length is good, but your second body paragraph is way too short. Your body paragraphs should be roughly equal in length.
I made thirty-one specific comments, so do look at them closely. Here are a few things that stand out, or that you can fix immediately to increase your score:
1. Indent every paragraph.
2. Look closely at my third point about structuring a good introduction. At the end of this message I'll include an example of what I mean.
3. Note that I made SEVERAL corrections to your use of a comma when you should use "and." Look at those closely and let me know if you have any questions about the grammar relevant grammar rules.
4. Write numbers less than 100 in letters and words, not digits.
Let me know if you have any questions about the above. And remember that I will look at this essay again (for free) after you've made the corrections that I suggested in my notes.
Meanwhile, I look forward to reading your next essay!
Best,
Mike
PS: Here's the sample introduction. I took it from my guide on toeflresources.com:
“There are many great gifts that can be given to a child. I believe that the best gift to give a child is a pet. I feel this way for two main reasons. First, a pet can be very educational. Second, a pet can be a good friend to a young child. For these reasons, I feel that there is no better gift for a child than a pet.”
[TT1]Indent every paragraph. This is actually important!!
[TT2]Better than who? Pretend that the person grading the essay has not read the question. So you should say “better than older people.” But more correct is “more than older people.”
[TT3]Following the statement of my main point, I always structure my introductions like this: “I feel this way for two reasons. First… Second…” That’s THREE sentences. I’ll correct the grammar in the rest of this paragraph, but you should think about redoing it.
[TT4]When a list consists of just two things, use “and” instead of a comma.
[TT5]“young people’s independence.”
[TT6]“such as”
[TT7]“a mortgage.” Review the use of articles. Only use “the” when the noun has been referenced already in a paragraph. The first time you mention it you should just use “a,” just like you did with “child” and “car” in the same sentence. Some people treat “mortgage” as a proper noun and use “the,” but I do not.
[TT8]At the end of a list don’t use a comma. Use “and” or “or” instead.
[TT9]This is a sentence fragment. Before what? I really have no idea. Rethink this sentence.
[TT10]Typo!
[TT11]“at a very low cost.” Or “for very little money.”
[TT12]You should really omit this parenthetical note. It doesn’t add anything to your essay.
[TT13]Again, end this list with “and” instead of a comma.
[TT14]Typo!
[TT15]“to”
[TT16]A semicolon would look nice here.
[TT17]“the journey takes.”
[TT18]omit
[TT19]Omit. Just say “Age and health issues are major problems….”
[TT20]Avoid an over-reliance on “they” and “them.” Be specific. Say “for older people.”
[TT21]“long distances by plane”
[TT22]omit
[TT23]“her knees.”
[TT24]Always spell out numbers lower than 100 with words,
[TT25]“Therefore”is similar to “as a result of this” or “thus” which don't fit here. Try "This makes me realize that..." instead.
[TT26]I don’t know what an “unlimited party” is. We don’t use this expression in English.
[TT27]“should” Don’t repeat "need" twice so close together.
[TT28]lives
[TT29]more than who?
[TT30]“to explore”
[TT31]This is unclear. We don't say "go aside" in English. What do you mean? Do you just mean "change" or "be more realistic?" I'm not sure.