CO= The Chosen One MP= Master Pain MT= Master Tang
Kung Pow: Enter the Fist:
Chapter 1: The Chosen One
(cooing)
(baby fussing)
Mother: Perhaps we should take him to the Abbot in the morning.
Father: No, no one should know of this.
(snapping)
(knocking)
Father: Can I help you?
(rustling, woman screaming)
(cooing)
MP: Ahh!
Henchman: Master Pain, what do we do?
MP: Open the Mouth.
(chuckles)
(baby giggles)
Henchman1: (gasps) The Chosen One!
MP: Huh? What? Baby--
(grunting, groaning)
MP: Kill It!
(giggling)
Henchman2: We will all be cursed!
(both scream)
MP: Hmm. Hmm?
MP: Mm? Hmm!
MP: Mm, lighter, mm-hmm.
(crying)
(baby Thuds)
(coos)
Peasant Lady: So Cute. (laughs) Bye-Bye!
Chapter 2: The Wanderer
Man: (Steve Oedekerk) He’s in the movie, (Jennifer Tung) So is She. (Leo Lee) He is too. Oh, It’s Starting Now.
Narrator: The child had become a man. Rolling to the bottom of a gully, he was raised by various rodents. Having no true home, he wandered the wilderness in search of the one who stole his life. So on he walked…and sometimes drove. And occasionally, partied with the desert creatures.
(creatures chanting) Party! Party! Party!
Narrator: Little did he know… that before him lie a mystical world of great warriors and legends.
Bad Guy with Lisp: Your days are over, mister.
(sniffing)
(attack yell)
Narrator: He lived under constant attack. What they had not accomplished when he was a child… they sought to now finish.
(grunting, groaning)
Narrator: Through his adversity, he learned to fight…(gasps) and fight well. The more he fought, the more his powers grew. (whistles) I mean, crap, man! Look at that.
-Ohh—
Narrator: That’s, like, his stomach plug on the ground back there. (scoffs) You don’t see that every day. I mean, that doesn’t even seem possible if you think about it, with body organs and cartilage and bones and—I mean I’m no doctor, but it was like one clean chunk. Uh-Oh. Trouble.
Chapter 3: One-Man Army
Demonic Voice: Open Your Mouth!
(gasping)
(roar)
(leader roars) (all yelling)
CO: yi-yi-yi-yi-yi!
Tongey: yi-yi-yi-yi-yi! Uuh!
(grunting, groaning)
(barking)
CO: I need gopher-chucks.
(gophers squealing)
(roaring, seething)
CO: Uh—
(sustained Yell)
CO: Uuh!
Chapter 4: Help From Master Tang
All: Our…sexual…preferences…are…our…own…business.
(both chuckling)
-Yeah.
-Oh, you.
All: Alfalfa.
(bell rings)
Ling: Hey, oh. Huh?
Wimp Lo: He’s an outsider. Have you ever seen him before?
Ling: mm-mm. Well, twice.
Wimp Lo: Hey, who’s he?
Student: I don’t Know
CO: …and that day, I vowed to find the man who killed my family. Can you help me?
MT: And why have you come to me?
CO: You are master Tang. Your skills are greatly known. I’ve traveled many years and miles to find you.
MT: How many miles? Would you say ten million?
CO: Eh—No, I don’t think ten million. Look, I need your help. I live under constant attack.
MT: Hmmm. Your story makes my heart heavy…and my prostate weak. My bladder is full to bursting. I feel for you and your grave loss. However it will be impossible for us to help you.
CO: Master, I emplore you to recosider.
MT: Hmm. Okay! The man you seek, his name is Master Pain. He has great powers and is well protected by the Evil Council. (gagging, coughing) But now I am in a quandary. For if your story is true, then you would—Huh? (gagging) (clears throat) what are the odds of that? (swallows) You would be the chosen one.
(squeak-toy sound)
Wimp Lo: Master
MT: Ah, again with the squeaky shoes.
Wimp Lo: Master, I was hoping one day I could be the Chosen One.
MT: Be quiet!
Wimp Lo: Master! I don’t like him very much. Let’s kill him.
MY: Sit dwon!
Wimp Lo: Eeyah!
(squeaks, sighs)
MT: I must apologize for Wimp Lo. He is an idiot. We have purposely trained him wrong, as a joke.
Wimp Lo: Hah! (tittering) If you’ve got an ass, I’ll kick it.
CO: Hmm.
MT: Legend tells us that the true Chosen One…will bear the mark of infinate wisdom.
Tongey: Yea, yea!
(barks)
MT: What in God’s name is that thing?
CO: He seems to be the reason I’m pursued. There are so many things I’ve yet to understand.
MT: Does it have a name?
CO: Tonguey.
MT: I should not have asked. Still, this is a glorious day, for the Cosen One has come to free us from the Evil Council. I remember a long time ago…when a good friend of mine told me…there would be a Chosen One.
Friend: There will be a Chosen One.
MT: Then he told me… of the significance
Friend: It will be significant.
MT: And then he killed the dog.
(grunting, farting) (dog whines, thudding)
CO: I now officially know too much. And why are you in bed?
MT: Oh, you wont even believe what happened next.
CO: No, please!
MT: Very well, Chosen One. I invite you to train with us…until you fund the whereabouts of Master Pain.
Wimp Lo: I’ll do it!
MT: In your dreams! Ohh—(coughing) yes, yes. Yes, play me like a drum. (groaning) (clearing throat) By the way, my student Ling, here, will assist you. Be not concerned of her shyness, for it will pass. There you go.
CO: I will stay… eh, to train. Thank you, master Tang.
(coughing) MT: Now, you two, on with your training.
Student: Yes, sure.
MT: As you know, I am a man of special needs. You will now receive the fist of fury. (coughing) Prepare the long rubber glove. (rubber stretching, snapping.) Eeny, meeny, miney, moe, I wonder where my glove will go.
Henchmen: Open your mouth! Open it! You! Open! (grunting, groaning)
Man: Hey, guys, whats goin’ on? (groaning) Hey! Ooh!
Mayor: Master Pain, it is a great honor having you beating random people in our town. Especially that helpless man you just hit. Welcome!
Chapter 5: Wimp Lo’s Jealously
Wimp Lo: Hmm. My finger points.
Ling: Wimp Lo, you must be careful. Your confidence is disproportional to your abilities. You think losing is winning.
Wimp Lo: Heh? Uh, uh—Huh?
Ling: Hmm. The Chosen One is here to help us. I like him a lot and—
Wimp Lo: Listen! Shh. I see the way you look at him. I’m a man too you know. I go pee-pee standing up.
Ling: Hmm. Mm.
Wimp Lo: I will defeat him!
Ling: Please, don’t!
Wimp Lo: I will…defeat him! (squeaking)
Wee! Wee!
Chapter 6: In Training
Narrator: The Chosen One trained, for part of him knew what lied ahead. Wow! I’ll have some of whatever he’s smokin’!
All: Huh! Huh! Huh!
Narrator: The others soon warmed up to him…and his “friend.”
Tongey: Mm! Mm, mm!
Chapter 7: The Challenge
Wimp Lo: Hmm. Knock, Knock. Who’s there? Your butt that’s about to be kicked. Take a close look, ‘cause I rule, baby!
CO: And who do you rule? The Large, Dark Nipple People?
Wimp Lo: I rock… and roll…all day long, sweet Susie! (giggling) I challenge you!
(snorts)
Wimp Lo: Leap that wall, if you’re so great.
CO: Hmm!
(squeaking) Wimp Lo: Big deal. Up and over! Oi!
CO: Hmm!
Wimp Lo: Huh! Now we’ll…learn who’s the best. Hmm! Huh? I—Uh—(squeaking) Aha! Face-to-foot style. How’d you like it?
CO: I’m sure on some planet your style is quite impressive. But your weak link is, this is Earth.
(exasperated Sigh)
Wimp Lo: Oh, yea! Try my nuts to your fist style! Oh! Uuh! Who’s laughing now?
Ling: Please, stop! Wimp Lo sucks as a fighter! A child could beat him!
(squeaking)
CO: I’m going to count to three, and if I hear one more friggin’ squeak, I’m gonna take his shoes and shove ‘em up his—
Citizen: Chosen One, Master Pain’s in town!
Ling: Did you hear that? Master Pain? Are you sure?
Wimp Lo: Gotcha now! Guy-ee!
Citizen: Ay, ay! Why? Why?
Ling: No! Please!
Wimp Lo: I am bleeding, making me the victor.
Citizen: Master Pain’s meeting with the mayor. Oh, this is bad.
(suppressed scream)
Chapter 8: Master Pain Performs
(Men chattering)
Henchman: Eh, Master Pain…will perform his skill. Please.
(shouts)
MP: Mm, hah!
(applause)
MP: Towel. Mm, thanks.
(clears throat)
Henchman: Now, then, Master Pain has heard rumor that the Chosen One was spotted in town. Do what he says, or he’ll cut off your big toe. On that you can trust me. Let him hear it. Oh, that’s tender. That is tender.
(chuckles weakly)
MP: Thank you. I have been called “bad” before. Many have said I do things that are not correct to do. I don’t believe in such talk as this. I am nice man with happy feelings all of the time! First, a joke. What do you get when you cross an owl with a bungee cord?……..My ass. Nyah, ha ha! Ha ha!
(all laugh)
MP: Enough!
CO: Hmph!
MP: Gentlemen, from this day forward you will all refer to me by the name “Betty.” (laughing)
CO: But isn’t Betty a woman’s name?
Henchman: Easy, Easy! We don’t want to lose anymore toes here. You’ll all have to excuse Master Pain—uh, Betty. It’s 12:00 and time for his nap. Heh, Betty?
Betty: Hmm, sleepy time.
Henchman: Come Along. Whoo! Aah!
Chapter 9: The Test
CO: I must find if I, too, possess this special skill. Remember, do not stop until I give you the signal, or dramatically throw you to the ground and request a towel. (clears throat) I’m ready.
(grunting, groaning) Ooh, ow! You can’t—Could you please—
Beater1: Er, uh, should we keep going?
Beater2: He said to hit him until he gave the signal to stop. Did anyone hear the signal?
Beater3: Well, he was whining for a while.
Beater2: Do you think whining was the signal?
Beater1: Hey, whoa, easy. We should wait a second or so.
(both grunting)
Beater1: Hey guys, come on. Oh, well.
(grunting, groaning resumes)
Beater1: Hey, wait, wait.
(back cracking)
Beater1: He did say the part about dramatically throwing us off his body.
All: Oh, that’s right. Yeah.
Beater2: Okay. Go Ahead. Throw us off! He’s not going to die, is he? You think he wants his towel? Hey, uh—
Beater1: That’s pretty still.
Beater2: Maybe it’s time we should—we better get home, guys. Nobody say anything to mom.
Chapter 10: Whoa
CO: (Groaning) Hmm? Hmm.
Whoa: Hah! I am Whoa.
CO: Okay.
Whoa: It is not yet your time. You must not stand against Master Pain.
CO: It’s “Betty” now.
Whoa: Oh. You must not stand against Betty. If you fight, he will kill you. You need special training. You cannot defeat him now.
CO: I’m-I’m sorry?
Whoa: You cannot defeat him now.
CO: I will defeat him.
Whoa: If you beat him, then you should have no problem beating me.
CO: Mm!
Whoa: Ah! Hmm, not bad.
(giggling)
CO: What’s wrong?
Whoa: The supreme gift.
CO: Hmm?
Whoa: You must trust the power of the tongue.
CO: Hmm?
Whoa: But I most warn you…
CO: Hmm?
Whoa: in the meadow you will find Betty’s great protector, Moon Yew. Avoid the meadow. We will meet again, Chosen One, many more times, in the sequel. (screams) Ow!
(baby cooing)(doorbell rings)
CO: Well, at least I have you, boy.
(barks)
Chapter 11: Master Tang’s Challenge
MT: Oh, Taco Bell Taco Bell Product placement with Taco Bell Enchirito, macho burrito
All: Macho Burrito
Henchman: Master Tang, what are you doing here?
MT: I’ve come to kick ass.
Henchman: Oh!
MT: I know you seek the Chosen One. And I know…(groans) what you did to his family. Now—Ooh! Oi! I’m going to beat you up! (coughing)
Betty: Do you need a glass of water or something?
(clearing throat)
Betty: Jeez, at least cover your mouth! We’re all going to catch it!
MT: Fight…(cough) or die!
Betty: Okay, I’ll shake your bouncy booty! Hit it!
Music: Can’t touch this
Betty: Hmm!
Music: Can’t touch this
Betty: Hmm!
Music: Can’t touch this
All singing to music: My, my, my, my. Fresh new kicks and pants you gotta like that now you know you wanna dance so move outta your seat and get a fly girl and catch this beat while its rollin’ hold on
Betty: What’s the time?
Music: Hammer Time
(coughing)
MT’s Assistant: Please, Betty. Master Tang is unable to fight you. He’s pretty sick.
(sinister chuckle)
MT’s Assistant: Why, I oughta—ooh!
MT: Don’t. He’ll kill you like a small dog. Let your anger be as a monkey in a pinata, hiding with the candy, hoping the kids don’t break through with the stick. (snorting)
Betty: Aw, jeez. And now the snorting starts.
MT: I’m sorry. I must fight you when I am stronger. Good-bye, Sally.
Betty: (thinking) It’s Betty, you son of a pig. The name is Betty.
(groaning)
Chapter 12: Ling’s Plea
Ling: But Chosen One, I want to help you, but I—I-I-I-I—I—I just can’t. I won’t. Whee-ooh!
CO: He wasn’t at the restaurant. Do you know where he is?
Ling: No, no! He’ll kill you.
(sighs)
Ling: Don’t go. Please. Stay alive. Stay and live a life with me. Ee-ooh-ee-ooh-ee!
CO: Look, Ling, those curlicues on your face make me so hot I can’t think straight.
Ling: He is well protected. It’s impossible. You’ll never make it. Never make it. Ever make it. Never make it. Never make it. You’ll never make it, ever. Don’t you see? You can’t make it.
CO: I implore you to reconsider.
Ling: Hmm. Okay. He spends his time at the top of a waterfall, swinging a chain around. (sobbing) There. You’ve got what you wanted. Now go! (crying, squealing)