ACT Mindfully: Acceptance & Commitment Therapy Training
July 2007 Newsletter
In This Issue:
1. Introduction
2. Main Article: Rebuilding Trust
3. Australian ACT Conference
4. Upcoming Workshops
5. Books & CDs - Now Online
6. 'Find A Therapist' Web Page
7. Australia/NZ Online ACT Community
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1. Introduction
Welcome to the third ‘ACT Mindfully’ newsletter. In the last one I foolishly mentioned a pharmaceutical product that begins with the letters 'VI', is followed by 'AG' and ends with 'RA'. Because of this word, the newsletter was rejected by over 50 spam filters. D'oh! If you didn't receive it, previous issues are now archived at newsletter_archives
In the last issue, I mentioned that I couldn't get the media interested in 'The Happiness Trap'. Well, this issue I'm excited to announce that despite an almost total lack of media coverage, 'The Happiness Trap' has sold 6,500 copies so far (and in Australia, if a book sells 10,000 copies, it's officially a best-seller). This can only mean that it is selling largely by word of mouth - so many thanks for reccomending it to your clients. This is actually good news for all of us; the more ACT becomes public knowledge, the more demand there will be for it, and the more our society will change for the better. (By the way, from time to time, I get emails saying that the local bookstore doesn't stock it. Please keep in mind, any bookstore can easily order it in for you - and they will usually get it within a week. Also, your clients can now buy it online easily from my website - see item 6.)
Last but not least, a reminder that the first ever Australia-New Zealand ACT conference is happening next month - see item 4. Make sure you get there if you possibly can: it will be a great opportunity to learn from masterful ACT practitioners, teachers, and researchers from around the world.
All the best,
Cheers, Russ Harris
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2. Main Article: Rebuilding Trust
Clients that have been hurt, threatened or abused by others often ask questions like, 'How can I ever trust anyone again?' There are several ways we can approach this from the ACT model. Firstly, we can distinguish between 'blind trust' and 'mindful trust'. 'Blind trust' means trusting someone completely without bothering to assess whether they are deserving of your trust (ie going in with your eyes closed). 'Mindful trust' means seeing this person with your eyes open: assessing what sort of person they are. Are they generally honest, open, and truthful, or do they tend to lie, hide and decieve. Are they sincere (ie do they mean what they say)? Are they reliable (ie do they follow through on the things they say they will do)? Are they responsible (ie do they consider the consequences of their actions)? Are they competent (ie are they capable of doing the things they say they're going to do)? As we get to know someone, and we assess that they are sincere, reliable, responsible, and competent, based on our direct observation of their actions, then we can establish a mindful trust rather than a blind trust.
Secondly, a general principle in ACT is to distinguish feelings from actions. While we have a lot of control over the actions of trust, we have very little control over the feelings of trust. So what does trust feel like? Well, usually it is a feeling of security, comfort, confidence, safety, calmness, relief - or some mixture thereof. So how likely is it that if you've been hurt or abused in a significant relationship, that you are going to have such positive feelings when you start developing your next significant relationship? Highly unlikely, obviously. The feelings you are likely to have are those of anxiety, doubt, insecurity and vulnerability. So, the ACT question is, if developing meaningful relationships truly matters to you, are you willing to make room for these feelings, and take them with you into the new relationship?
Thirdly, remember that while you can't control the feelings of trust, you can control the actions. So rather than leaping head first into a new relationship, you can do little actions of trust - just baby steps initially - and mindfully assess the consequences. As this other person starts to prove 'trustworthy', you can then take larger actions of trust (and continue mindfully assessing the consequences). And you keep on doing this - step by step - all the while making room for those perfectly normal feelings of anxiety, insecurity, and vulnerability (which will probably intensify as the size of your trusting action increases). And if the other person keeps on responding appropriately - then maybe, after a while, you will start to develop the feelings of trust. But this is not in your control. Only the actions are in your control.
Fourthly, it's important to acknowledge that one thing you can never have is absolute certainty. If you want absolute certainty that you will never get hurt again in a significant relationship, the only way you can achieve that is to avoid ever getting into one. And is that the life you would really choose to have? If meaningful relationships are part of a rich and full life for you, then are you willing to make room for uncertainty; to thank your mind for the 'I'll get hurt story', and breathe into that knot in your stomach, and make some space for that tightness in your chest?
Fifthly, it can be helpful to have the client notice all the ways in which they already do acts of trust on a daily basis. Taking a bus, train or taxi is an act of trust (we trust them to drive competently and responsibly). Eating cafe food, or take-away food is an act of trust (we trust them to cook competently and responsibly). Even eating supermarket food is an act of trust - (we trust it has been prepared safely and hygienically). Going to a doctor or dentist or physio are more obvious and dramatic examples. And of course, let's not forget the therapeutic relationship. I like to say to clients, 'Coming here to see me is a huge act of trust. What thoughts and feelings did you have to make room for in order to get here in the first place - and then, to open up to me like this?'
Sixthly, find a healthy balance between trust and self-protection. If you've met someone new, it may be wise to ask others what they know about this person. In some situations, it may be wise to check up on them - to see if they were telling the truth, or if they followed through on their promises. In some situations, it may be wise to wait a long time before you are ever alone together. Obviously as a genuine trusting relationship is established, these self-protective actions will become less necessary. The key is to find a HEALTHY balance. If it's all about self-protection, you'll destroy the relationship or prevent it form getting established; but if it's all about trust and you negelct the self-protection, then you're taking unnecessary risks. It's about finding a balance that works, and expecting that balance to shift over time, assuming the relationship goes well.
Finally, these same principles apply in long-established relationships where trust has been abused. If one partner has cheated or lied or deceived or manipulated or harmed the other, then the wronged partner has to make a choice about whether or not to continue with that relationship. If the wronged partner chooses to stay, they can expect to have plenty of thoughts and feelings of suspicion, insecurity, jealousy, anxiety, anger etc - all of which they will need to defuse and make room for, if they want their relationship to survive, recover, and thrive. Neither partner should expect feelings of trust to return for a long time. And again, the aggrieved partner will have to find a healthy balance between actions of self-protection and actions of trust. In other words, if your husband has cheated on you, it's reasonable to call him at the office when he says he's working late. If your wife has frittered the mortgage away on gambling, it's reasonable to keep an eye on all her bank accounts. As genuine trust is gradually re-established, these self-protective actions will become less necessary.
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3. ACT Conference Australia
Don’t miss the first ever Australia-New Zealand ACT & RFT conference. It will take place in Wollongong, NSW, August 8th -10th , 2007. For details click here: http://www.uow.edu.au/conferences/act_conference/index.html There are some fantastic ‘big names’ from the USA presenting workshops – including Robyn Walser, Kelly Wilson, and Kirk Strosahl. (I’ll also be there, giving a half-day workshop on ‘ACT with couples’.) And as an added bonus, Kirk Strosahl is presenting a 2-day introductory ACT workshop just before the conference, on August 6th & 7th. If you can possibly get there, then go: Kirk is masterful therapist and trainer! (I'll enrolled in Kirk's introductory workshop, even though I've already been to many others!)
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4. Upcoming Workshops
In the last few weeks, I've scheduled in quite a few extra workshops - introductory and advanced - to cater for demand. For example, last week I scheduled additional intorductory and advanced workshops in both Melbourne and Sydney. For an up-to-date list, please go to: by_city
Re: the 2-day ACT perosnal growth workshops for the general public - I've currently put these on hold. I'm just too busy, and I need to get my life back. Hopefully they'll happen next year! However, in the meantime, if you have a non-professional friend or relative or client who would like to attend an introductory therapists' workshop, just email me, fill me in on their background, and I’ll probably say ‘yes’.
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5. Books & CDs - Now Online
My website now has its own online store, where you (or clients) can easily & cheaply purchase individual copies of the The Happiness Trap or the two Mindfulness Skills CDs. On the same web page, you can also purchase larger quantities of these items for significant discounts (up to 50%).
Go to: cds_and_books
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6. 'Find A Therapist' Web Page
I am getting an increasing number of enquiries, from all over Australia, of people looking for therapists that practise ACT. So the tech guys are currently designing a 'Find A Therapist' page for my website. This will be a free service, operating on trust. In the next newsletter, I will give you a password that will enable you to go onto the new page and create an entry for yourself. If you have colleagues that practise ACT, please let them know about this. (They won't know, unless they are subscribed to this newsletter.)
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7. Australia/NZ Online ACT Community
To coincide with the first Australia/New Zealand ACT conference, we are starting up a brand new emailing list for the Australia/NZ ACT community. This emailing list will be hosted by 4 or 5 moderators, so that it is 'communal property' (as opposed to being owned by an individual). Coaches, academics and therapists will be able to join it for free, and use it as a forum to discuss anything and everything to do with ACT, by email. (It is not for the general public, however.) For example, you can use it for case consultation, discussing ACT concepts, sharing handouts & protocols, publicising workshops, brainstorming ideas, getting in touch with others who are using ACT with specialised populations etc. Details will come out in the next newsletter.
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In conclusion, take care. And may your life be rich and full and meaningful.
Cheers, Russ
Copyright 2007. Dr Russ Harris. All rights reserved.
To subscribe to this newsletter, please visit: www.actmindfully.com.au