Origins of the Route-Master

Origins of the Route-master

Or, ‘ How we got the London Bus!’

By Silvia Rudkin and Matt Mercuriali

Look at the machine. The play of pistons in the cylinders they are steal Romeos inside cast iron Juliets the ways of human expression are in no ways different to the back and forth of our machines this is a law to which one must pay homage unless one is either impotent or a saint. – Guillaume Apollinaire?

Or, ‘ How we got the London Bus!’

By Silvia Rudkin and Matt Mercuriali

(the guy from the London transport museum – narrating – monster head?)

a long time ago….

ACT 1

(Far far away, TEXT IN SPACE)

Long, long ago in the days before the Flood of Flames, the old beliefs were crumbling in the feudal republic of Zelbon. Steadily grew the number of Immortality Seekers; citizens seeking to reach the lake of the Oracles and become eternal themselves. The ruling Sponge Head Elite, dependent for their power upon the Oracles’ guidance, entrusted their protection to Lord Brain and his Security Council of Knights. Fearsome Motorised Cyborgs had long been deployed to thwart these irreverent renegades but so many now came, with such brazen bravado, that drastic action was called for.

ROUND TABLE discussioinAT LORD BRAIN CASTLE; HOW TO Improve the Safety of the Immortals.

SCENE THE COUNCIL CHAMBERS OF ZELBON

Lod Spod: The thirst for eternity runs rife throughout the land… the immortality seekers grow more audacious by the day.

Captain Toes: Wwe must make the cars even more powerful to cover a bigger area and go even faster!)

Lod Spod: Yes. , and Wwe should increase the testosterone in the bio-parts to make them more aggressive.

Sir Bee-Head: But my colleagues have you considered the dangers?…. We have raised the testosos’. levels to 75 microns-waves already. They are on the verge of trespassing the inner critical zone. With such power and such drive… these man-droids will surelywould certainly become unstable.

and may even become a threat themselves.

(Far far away, TEXT IN SPACE)

Long, long ago in the days before the Flood of Flames, the old beliefs were crumbling in the feudal republic of Zelbon. Steadily grew the number of Immortality Seekers; citizens seeking to reach the lake of the Oracles and become eternal themselves. The ruling Sponge Head Elite, dependent for their power upon the Oracles’ guidance , entrusted their protection to Lord Brain and his Security Council of Knights. Fearsome Motorised Cyborgs had long been deployed to thwart these irreverent renegades but so many now came, with such brazen bravado, that drastic action was called for.

Captain toes: We must protect the immortal creatures of the lake, or the balance of Zelbon will be paradoxicated! And we all know what that means.

Lord Brain: Indeed. Whatever the weather a way forward must be found.

Captain Toes: What alternative do we have!? We are over-run by the immortality seekers. We must protect the immortal creatures of the lake, our oracles, or the balance of Zelbon will be paradoxicated!

Sir Bee Head: My young lord brain you look pale are you feeling unwell?

Lord Brain: I am terribly sorry, brethren, I am a little queasy I will retire but please continue this important discussion” Sir Bee Head: Lord brain, have a heart! These Man-Droids are not unfeeling machines, they yearn and hope and dream.

Lod Spod: I agree, yes! It is worth the risk! We must preserve the security of the immortal waters, and of our oracles through whose eyes we see. I move to pass this motion!

Captain Toes: The Eyes Have it!

Sir Bee Head: Eyes?

Captain Toes:

Lord Brain: Sir Bee-Head, we must not allow sentimentality to reign over our resolve. More’s to the point, in the absence of any other ideas, the proposed performance enhancement is simply our only option. The Cyborg race was created by us to serve a simple purpose, and the current model is simply not fit for it. They may suffer breakdowns, gaskets may be blown, but trial and error is just part and parcel of the art of innovation. And it is for this reason I have assumed broad executive power… and already approved the motion.

Sir Bee-Head: What!

Lod Spod &

Captain Toes Hurrah!

Lord Brain: And I can in fact now announce that the first prototype, functioning at 125 testos microns, is already built, deployed and operational in the field.

Sir Bee-Head: This way madness lies!

Lord Brain: Let us pray that these measures shall be sufficient to protect our precious Oracles. Meeting adjourned.

(General hubbub – fade out)

Passed!

Lod Spod: Hurrah!

NEAR LAKE

Something very large is moving in the bushes. (take from existing film clip?)

Dino voice… ‘I have to reach the water! Wait, what is this?’ –

(oversees Lord Brain meeting SSSH – )

‘curses, so many people around I will have to wait a little bit’

(it moves away)

LORD BRAIN BY THE LAKE

SSSH: Halt! Identify!

LB: I am Llord Bbrain young fellow

SSSH: Hail, sir, inventor, philosopher lord brain.

You have encountered motorised android special experimental, troop number

27 ; loyal guard to the precious immortals.

I fear no beer, the path is clear!

LB: Many immortality seekers tonight?

SSSH: The hiccupping pink mouse was here earlier, but we chased him away.

LB- Oh good, good.

SSSH: And we We’ve found more giant foot prints around the edge of the lake si again this week.r The hiccuping pink mouse was here earlier.

LB: Really? Again? and what about those giant footprints, any news on them?have you found out what it is yet?

SSSH: We haven’t found out what it is yetNnot yet sir, but we’re on its trail. We think it may even be the last of the Big Ones, my Lord.

LB: Really. A rare creature, that last big one. I must admit I sometimes feel sorry for its fate. The threat of eExtinction must be a very heavy burden to carry. Nno wonder it’s so attracted to the immortal waters.takes such risks. I found the foot print photographs very stimulating. It must be a mighty big creature, with very, VERY big feet. Mmmmm. Well, anyway, well done young fellow.

SSSH: Thank you.

LB: Keep up the good work.

SSSH: My duty is to serve and to destroy, oh lord. You are allowed to enter the limits of the immortal lake. yessir! You are allowedmay to enter the limits of the lake. Be safe, sir,, sir, the gravel is slippery.

LB: Thank you young fellow I won’t go too near. I am just going for a little stroll to admire the beauty of the waters and collect my thoughts.

SSSH: Enjoy your stay, creator! Brrrm brrrm brrmmm.

LB: How blessed are those lust-less cyborgs. Ignorant of the pain of love. Oh, miserable is me! Dejected, always rejected … I am the biggest brained scientist philosopher in all of Zelbon…. but a superb intelligence such as mine does not fulfil the needs ofthe needs of a human, not even a sponge head like me, a member of the elite. I want to hold a woman lady in my arms, but I have no arms, no arms to show off in summer! I cannot swim or throw stones or hold things close to my chest, I have no chest! No chest to puff out in spring, to sing songs out loud with, no chest at all.. no hairy chest for lovely little-bottomed maidens to wind their fingers through. I am so sad….

LB: oh… And so, holy waters, home to the immortal oracles, that guide us through the path of power! Dear waters, source of life and source of death, so precious to so many, sobut deadly to we the Elite, take me and my cursed brain, and feed me to the fish.

LBB: What do I hear?….with my inner ear… such sweet sorrow I sense…., what noble tragedy, words of painful depth. These must be the thoughts of a sponge head, for sweet as an apple they are and cored with pips of wisdom! But why has he come so close? The waters would erode himLBB: Oh my Lord!. He’s going to jump! The waters will erode him No! This beautiful mind will melt into mud if I let this hero do himself in! I must quick to the surface and stop him!!!

Lord Brain: Down by the edge of immortal lake the water may be shallow

But its deep enough to melt my head like tea melts a Marsh mallow

Its time to die for me spongehead a very unlucky fellow,

– cut to Video monitor showing the scene.

- Pan back – no-one is watching – WC in background.

Why do the Nice girls never come up to me and say oh hello

And say oh hello and say oh hello and say oh hello

Hello hello hello

So I am going to throw myself in the water of eternal life

As I look down into my reflection guess what do I see:

I have no love

He has no love

I have no love

LBB: I must quick to the surface and stop him!

He has no love

I have no love

He has no love

Lady Bird Brain: I’ll give you love

Lord Brain: Aggghhh my face! It stings! The water,s it stings!!

LBB: Creature of the marvellous thoughts. Who are you? I love you I want to set feet on earth, all 6 of them, renounce my endless life and live with you for a finite time. Let me die in your arms. I do not wish to live forever. For forever makes nothing special.

LB: Oh 6-feeted creature, lovely lady of the lake, your beauty strikes me like the bite of a bee, sweet like… honey, but also sour.. like grapes, for we mayshall not be together. You know the law and the law knows you. Plus, I will never allow you to give up your privilege of agelessness, for someone you hardly know, an ugly sponge headed fellow for whom you can harbour no lusting desire. No leave me alone, let me die, in fact splatter my face further and melt me away to the nothing I already feel myself to beI am. Sweet shall be death under your six dripping feet.

LBB: Oh but sir, your thoughts arouse the profoundest romance in my slippery bosom. Oh but how can it be, you are right, it is forbidden.

LB: Oh, Yyou are so lovely…I’ve had an idea! IfMaybe if I reinforce your double-glazed plexi-glass sphere with an invisible force field you could have a kingdom tohat keep you eternal, whilst on earth you live with me. (does something) There, its done!

LBB: Oh, my darling how clever you are.

LB: How does it feel?

LBB: Exactly as if nothing had happened!

LB: And with my transport-a-birthing pod saucer we may conjure forth off spring, and have a family and happiness and perfect love, in a sweet secret far, far away place!

(Cut back to Zelbon monitor, toilet flushes),

LBB: Oh my love, let me roll into it now!

LB: No!

LBB: Oh please

LB: No..

LBB: Oh let me! Hot lust grips my quivery insides…

LB: we mustn’t…

LBB: We must!

LB: We shouldn’t,

LBB: We should

LB: Oh I want to too. Oh come on, yes do it! Do it now!!!

(She jumps into the saucer – electricity and moans.)

(Cut back to scene).

LBB: Oh but what is this that’s just pushing me off the saucer?

LB: Gasps

LBB: A baby! So soon? How is this possible?….

LB: It is as the prophecy foretold! But what is that beind, there???

LBB: Oh, move the kid, move the kid.

LB: Come on kiddy. There you go. There you go.

LBB: Oh kiddy, come with me, what’s just underneath you?

Oh my God! Another baby

LB: My darling, we cannot continue this baby boom, our love cannot survive here, in this unfriendly atmosphere.. Every one will be looking for revenge for this unlawful event. they have not forgotten Horace the wicked. It is prohibited still. They will kill us! They will send the motorised cyborgs to hunt us down…. and run us over.

LBB: Oh no! Not the kids!

BACK TO MONITOR – SOMEONE IS WATCHING.

LB: Come my dear, hop into the sphere and let’s away to a land I have heard of hidden in the mighty crater. And there we will raise our kindling and begin again.

LBB: Oh let’s go my love. Quick, put the other kid on.

LB: Come on kiddy. Hup you go. Hup you go. There you go, yes very good.

BACK ON MONITOR – GUARD HITS THE ALARM.

With you

I will go

to the secret valley in.. volcano

and there we will build a new town

and everything will turn out fine

(they run awa

LBB: But my darling,

LB: What?

LBB: The babies!

LB: Oh, life has changed forever!INSTANT BIRTH OF THE TWINS

LBB: oh a baby how is that possible?….

LB: Ohohohohohho what is that there???

LBB: Oohhhhhhh another baby

LB: We cannot continue this baby boom, our love cannot survive here, in this unfriendly atmosphere. Come my dear, hop into the sphere. Every one will be looking for revenge for this unlawful event. they have not forgotten Horace the wicked. It is prohibited still. They will kill us! They will send the motorised cyborgs to hunt us down…. and run us over. Come my love let’s away to a land I have heard of hidden in the mighty crater south of the blue bridge where we’ll grow our vegetables and start again

THE FAMILY RUNS AWAY

With you

I will go

to the secret valley… volcano

and there we will build a new town

and I will be with you for ever

in your sphere…with jelly and cold ginger beer

SUPERSEXUAL REVELATIONS

One of motorised androids (super sexual) is guarding the lake of the immortals.

Red light flashes on car. ‘Troop number 27, disturbance at East of lake, go immediately’

SSSH puts on siren, rushes round the lake (P.O.V.)… sees dinosaur disappear into bushes…