Patience/Forebearance
Savlanut/Erekh Apayim
WJCS Staff Session June 19, 2014
A Working Definition = the quality of bearing discomfort to sustain connection to oneself, others, and God
Two valances:
-- waiting
-- interpersonal frustration/anger
Journaling exercise
· What are the types of situations or interactions that are hardest for you to maintain savlanut?
· How might this method of “staying connected” make a difference in your relationships?
Text 1:
[The Rabbinic Sages] say about an angry person that he completely denies the existence of God. How is this? He becomes angry whenever anything happens that is not the way he wanted it to be. He fills with such anger until he is not connected to his mind anymore. A person in such a state is capable of destroying the entire world if he had the ability because his mind is not in control at all... (R. Moshes Chaim Luzatto, The Path of the Just)
Consider:
· When things don't go the way you want, is anger the primary emotion you experience? What other emotions are present?
· What kinds of situations make you "lose your mind"?
· Based on your own understanding of the Divine/Sacred/Holy, how do you think anger is a "denial of the existence of God"?
· How might you use moments of anger to actually get closer to the Sacred?
Text 2:
The way of the upright is to adopt the intermediate characteristic of each and every temperament that people have. This is the characteristic that is equidistant from the two extremes of the temperament of which it is a characteristic, and is not closer to either of the extremes...How is this done? One should not be of an angry disposition and be easily angered, nor should one be like a dead person who does not feel, but one should be in the middle -- one should not get angry except over a big matter about which it is fitting to get angry, so that one will not act similarly again. (Maimonides, Guide to Right Living, 1:4)
Text 3: One should teach oneself not to get angry even over something about which it would be normal to get angry. If one wanted to instill fear in one's sons or members of one's household, or in the community if one was their leader, and one wants to be angry at them in order that they will return to the good ways, then one should show them that one is being angry at them just to correct them, and when displaying such anger, one should bear in mind that one is like a man who is similar to being angry, and that one is not really angry. (Maimonides, Guide to Right Living, 2:3)
Consider:
· In both passages Maimonides refers to the uses of anger. In what ways do you consciously use anger as opposed to anger being something that just happens to you?
Patience with oneself
Consider:
· What is a way that you overburden or overextend yourself? How could you realign this commitment so that it is in keeping with your resources?
· What is the discomfort you would need to bear to accept that you actually have limited resources?
Text 4:
R. Perida had a pupil to whom he had to repeat his lesson 400 times before he was able to learn it. One day R. Perida was invited to a religious celebration; that day also R. Perida kept repeating the lesson, but the student did not learn it. R. Perida: “Why are you different today?” The student: “The moment the master was told, ‘There is a religious celebration,’ my attention wandered, for I kept saying to myself: The master is about to get up and leave.” R. Perida: “Pay attention now, and I will teach you [again].” He repeated the lesson another 400 times, and the student learned it. Then a divine voice came forth and said, “Do you prefer that 400 years be added to your life, or that you and your generation merit life in the world-to-come?” R. Perida: “I prefer that I and my generation merit life in the world-to come.” The Holy One said, “Give him the one [life in the world-to-come] and the other [400 extra years] as well.” (Talmud B. Eruvin 54b)
Text 5:
There are four kinds of temperaments:
One which is easy to provoke and easy to appease…
One which is difficult to provoke and difficult to appease...
One which is difficult to provoke and easy to appease (this is a saintly person).
One which is easy to provoke and difficult to appease (this is a wicked person). (Pirke Avot 5:13)
Consider:
· Do you know anyone with the patience of a R. Perida? (If so, interview him/her!)
· Can you imagine “getting there”? What do you think it would take?
· Which of the four kinds of temperaments are YOU?
· When is impatience a virtue?
Some practices for patience:
· Set your own intention for this practice
· “Open the space between the match and the fuse” (Rabbi Yechiel Yitzchok Perr) meditation
· postpone gratification -- purposely delay something that you are looking forward to; respond differently to long lines or traffic jams
· choose to go to the end of the line!
· If you are too patient, find ways to move out of your complacency to take action!
· Choose a 15 minute period during the day when you know that you often get frustrated. During this 15 minute period, do whatever you can to bear uncomfortable feelings and keep your goodness flowing toward others. What do you notice as you do this exercise over several days? What emotions are most present for you? What do you do to maintain your patience? What burdens do you feel you needed to bear? What helped you to be successful with this exercise? What impeded you? How did you manage balancing patience with needing to respond to wrongdoing?
A meditation practice and teaching for patience from Rabbi Shefa Gold:
When Moses tells the people what God has said, they simply cannot hear it. The reason for their inability to hear and respond to the promise of freedom, to the truth of Oneness, to the self-revelation of God, is described as short spirit and hard slavery.
At the center of [Jewish] liturgy is the prayer that says, "Listen! Sh’ma!" Listening is the first step in the process of liberation. This Torah portion Vaera reveals to us two main obstacles to listening, and here our spiritual challenge is laid out.
The first challenge to listening is "shortness of spirit." This is sometimes translated as "impatience." The process of liberation requires the patience to take small necessary steps that won’t necessarily relieve the immediate pain that we’re in. It takes a great patience to fully rest in the present moment as it is. This full acceptance of "what is" awakens the power of our presence and allows the process of transformation to unfold. Here is the paradox: One must patiently be… in order to become…
What is accomplished through the practice of Deep Listening is patience, spaciousness and presence. And in the process you will encounter and get to know your impatience and busy-ness…
Sit in a relatively quiet place and do the practice of Deep Listening. When you hear a sound, don’t identify or interpret that sound. Instead notice its pitch, volume, rhythm and tone. Don’t make a judgment about it. When you find yourself identifying, interpreting or judging, just gently let go of those thoughts and listen more deeply. Open yourself up to receive the sound fully. Don’t reach out for the next sound. Wait for it to come in to you. Give equal attention to the outer sound and to the inner space that’s receiving the sound. Listen for at least ten minutes.
Some Wisdom on Patience
From Patience: Formulas, Stories and Insights by R. Zelig Pliskin
1. Recognize your impatience. Be aware of your patterns, learn your early warning signals, notice how you speak and what you tend to say when you become impatient, notice the muscle tension you experience…
2. Learn patience from the impatient (“Impatience can look ridiculous.” “Being on the receiving end of someone else’s impatience gives us a firsthand experience of what others experience if we are impatient with them.”)
3. Stay centered in the face of someone else’s impatience – it can be contagious.
4. Be patient when judging. “The more information that is gathered, the more likely that an accurate judgment will be reached. This process take patience.”
5. That’s what time is for. “The time you spend waiting develops your character and that’s what time is for.”
6. Expect things to take longer than you expect!
7. Develop the self-image of being patient…. “you will find it easier to be patient whenever patience is called for.”
8. Make God’s will your will. Say, “If it’s God’s will that I need to wait for someone/repeat myself/wait until I find out some information/that something takes much longer than I was hoping it would, that is my will.”
9. Humility: The Root of Patience. Arrogance breeds impatience.
10. Don’t exaggerate.
11. Patience is an expression of respect.
12. The kindness of patience – “Please take your time.”
13. Act “as if”
14. Breathe serenely
15. Coping with uncertainty – when one masters patience, one has a higher level of tolerance for uncertainty.
16. Use your imagination – it will enable you to visualize yourself having sufficient patience for all of the challenges that arise.
17. “If I were… actually patient right now, how would I think and what would I be feeling/breathing/speaking?” (Use this pattern for all other states that you want to access.)
18. Pray for patience
19. Condition your brain each night – “I will increase my visions of having more and more patience. I will dream dreams that will increase my patience …”
20. Think before you speak.
21. The fruit of rushing is regret.
22. Patience in dialogue – if you want to be heard, take the longer route of listening first. View your listening as an opportunity to increase your level of patience.
23. Reinforce the patience of others: “Thank you for your patience.”
24. Become a member of the Patience Club. “The patience club is now in session.”
25. Learn from your greatest moments of strength. When have you been the most patient for the longest periods of time?
Consider:
· Which of these practices/gems of wisdom particularly appeal to you? Put them on index cards and review them each morning and evening.
Important Reminder: Rabbi David Jaffe writes, “When I want to work on the middah of patience while standing in a long check-out line at the supermarket, I will say to myself, “What would a patient person feel like now? rather than force myself to actually be patient. The difference in these approaches is profound. If everything is just practice, then there is nothing for me to be arrogant about. I’m not claiming to be patient, I’m just practicing patience. Similarly, this approach undermines the critical and rebellious voice. What is there to criticize or rebel against…I’m just practicing something.”
Results of Impatience
When you allow yourself to become angry, you lose out in many ways:
n You are failing to emulate God, Who is erekh apayim/slow to anger.
n You are being selfish.
n You are not loving people or God.
n You are not being sensitive to the needs of others.
n You are prone to commit many other transgressions, e.g. saying hurtful words, hating others, and taking revenge.
n You become susceptible to physical ailments caused by stress and anger.
n You lose your capacity for balanced, rational thinking.
n You lose your focus.
n You are not treating others as the valuable persons they are in God’s eyes.
(R. Moshe Goldberger, Guard Your Anger)
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