This document showcases a real Comprehensive Editing Order as it was returned to the client. [Bracketed phrases] have been used substituted for the client’s name and other identifying information.
Hi [client],
First of all, let me thank you again for placing your order with me via www.the-writing-center.com. I am thrilled to have you as a customer and I will do my best to make sure you can submit your personal statement with the utmost confidence in its impact.
The format of my edit will be quite simple. After these general comments you will find more localized/specific comments in the margins of your draft made using the track changes tool. These will highlight areas of possible confusion and suggest additions in addition to explaining some of my changes, so don’t skip them. At the end will be the revised version of your statement. To date, all my customers have been very pleased with this format, but I welcome your thoughts on its strengths and weaknesses.
To begin, I should say that I think your statement does an excellent job of communicating your enthusiasm and longstanding interest in animal medicine. You come across as a very accomplished veterinary apprentice and you seem to strike an impressive balance between honest concern for animals and a healthy distance from the fate of any single animal. This will be important in your career.
There are a few elements in your statement that I do want to change. Since I never really understood the connection between your inability to join the Air Force and your ambition to become a veterinarian, I would encourage you to cut or minimize this section. Similarly, I think you might be better off shortening the section on the red-tailed hawk. Given that the guidelines asked for a statement of roughly 500 words, I would advise you to focus as squarely as possible on the development of your interest in animal medicine.
After my edits, your statement is significantly shorter than it was in the previous draft. You can probably take it a little longer if you want to add more material to explain how your program of study at Penn State relates to your current plans. You can also expand on your experience in Australia and indicate more completely why you have decided to return for advanced studies. This would almost certainly be interest to your admissions reader, whose real task is not to understand your biography but to assess your candidacy for the program.
If you choose to take this advice and make some additions to your statement, feel free to send it to me for another free review.
Finally, take note of the red letter prompt I inserted where I thought you should provide the year.
All the best,
Nathan Labenz
Personal Statement
Original Version
I could sense the remarkable power of the red-tail hawk moving through my leather gloves. After months of daily husbandry, feeding, and training the hawk during my summer internship at the Philadelphia Zoo, I was excited and nervous for my first public “raptor talk.” I turned away from my group of spectators, took a deep breath, and counted aloud with them, One…two...three! Immediately, with an explosion of feathers, the hawk soared away from my hands. I smiled with satisfaction as she made a full circle overhead, completely enthralled with the grace and beauty of her flight. I had the best feeling in the world. The red-tail hawk had provided a sweet connection to a childhood dream I also had to take to the sky.
Striving in high school, I obtained a pilot’s license at the age of 17, and advanced through the ranks as a cadet in the Air Force auxiliary. Then, unfortunately, I learned the US Air Force would classify me as a “fail” for the pilot program, on account of eyesight. Although my life has taken some unexpected turns in recent years, science has always been a companion and a source of intellectual interest. I now believe that by a stroke of fate, the vision that prevented me from becoming an Air Force pilot, allowed me to envision my future as a successful veterinarian. Whether it was initially learning to care for my own menagerie of pets, including dogs, guinea pigs, ferrets, an iguana, and a koi pond, or pet sitting for nearly the entire neighborhood, the lure of studying veterinary science always has endured through my decisions.
My progress of discovery and enthusiasm for the veterinary profession began in suburban America and has continued since childhood as a deep fascination with animals and their health. From this foundation, I developed an enduring sense of responsibility and pride in providing care for all creatures, even as my aspirations changed and matured. These influential experiences have given me great appreciation for the challenges, responsibilities, and personal rewards attached to veterinary medicine. Starting the summer of 2003, I was employed as an assistant technician at the Warminster Veterinary Hospital. There, I observed modern veterinary practice and the application of procedures such as endoscopic, orthopedic, and complex surgeries. The opportunity to witness and assist in these operations was both highly educational and maturing. As I encountered success, failure, and ethical challenges under the guidance of Dr. Samuel May, it was one specific unsuccessful struggle witnessed there that I consider among my most valuable lessons.
One morning, an aging golden retriever named Daisy came in for an exploratory laparoscopy, and the entire staff was eager to employ the new camera equipment. I was intrigued initially by the sharp images of her viscera and the ability to obtain biopsies without a major incision. But excitement quickly switched to alarm when Daisy’s heart and breathing suddenly became arrested. Despite direct epinephrine shots and manual palpation, Dr. May was unable to revive Daisy. While carefully removing the body, I was disheartened, not only for the dog and her owners, but also for the disappointed veterinarian. Yet, Dr. May never allowed a setback to interfere with the improvement of his practice. With the same determination, I also am prepared for continuous self-education and responsibility within such an advancing profession.
To supplement my exposure in veterinary medicine, I carefully researched the study abroad opportunities at Penn State University and was accepted to study a semester at University of Western Australia in 2006. This decision was truly a life-changing experience. Without a doubt, my combined veterinary and non-veterinary experiences have reaffirmed that animal medicine is a highly diverse and rewarding career, no matter where you call home. The decision to finalize my study in Australia can be described more precisely by Louis Pasteur, one of the greatest scientists of the 19th century. He maintained that “Science knows no country, because knowledge belongs to humanity, and is a torch which illuminates the world.” Although I love the United States, I am excited to participate in the challenge of veterinary medicine in Australia, at Murdoch University.
I have considered lab animal research, specializing in exotic medicine or orthopedics as future possibilities. Yet, I am finding new opportunities every day that intrigue me. After many years of preparation, I have glimpsed the fulfillment to be gained from advancing our knowledge of animals and developing progressive veterinary techniques. And I have seen the joy of simply releasing a red-tail hawk for a group of inner-city kids to witness. These experiences and more confirm my decision to become a veterinarian. With a passion for animal care, a high interest in science, a desire to be involved in education, and a dedication to life-long learning, my ultimate goal is to be a contributing member to the veterinary program at Murdoch University.
Revised Version
Throughout my life, I have found true pleasure and taken great pride in caring for animals. As a child, I maintained a veritable zoo, from the usual dogs and guinea pigs to the more unusual ferrets, iguanas, and koi pond. I developed a profound sense of personal responsibility in this way, and I volunteered to pet-sit for any neighbors who needed my service. I have pursued other interests, even earning a pilot’s license at the age of 17 with aspirations to fly in the US Air Force, but my lifelong fascination with animal health and science gives me full confidence in my decision to apply to Veterinary School.
In the summer of 2003, I began work as an assistant technician to Dr. Samuel May at the Warminster Veterinary Hospital. This post allowed me to experience many of the challenges, responsibilities, and personal satisfactions that arise in the course of a career in veterinary medicine. Under Dr. May’s guidance, I observed and assisted in a wide variety of modern veterinary practices, including endoscopic, orthopedic, and complex surgeries. I learned a tremendous amount from watching these procedures and also cultivated a mature approach to success and failure. On one occasion, we were particularly excited to use advanced new camera equipment to perform an exploratory laparoscopy on an aging golden retriever named Daisy. I was engaged by the sharp images of her viscera and marveled at the ability to obtain biopsies without major surgery until Daisy’s heart and breathing suddenly became arrested. Despite direct epinephrine shots and manual palpation, Dr. May was unable to revive Daisy. I was distraught over the failure and the family’s loss, but I took note of how Dr. May refused to let a setback discourage him and how he sought lessons in the incident. I will bring the same dedication to self-improvement and sense of calm responsibility to my eventual practice as a veterinarian.
In YEAR, I found an exciting opportunity to conduct the daily husbandry, feeding, and training of hawks via a summer internship at the Philadelphia Zoo. I was thrilled to develop a trusting relationship with a highly trained animal, and one of the happiest moments of my life came when I gave my first “raptor talk.” I released a beautiful red-tailed hawk to circle above the audience and the audience was amazed as it returned smoothly to my arm.
Just this year, in order to broaden my veterinary exposure, I decided to temporarily leave Penn State to study abroad at the University of Western Australia. I discovered that I loved Australia soon after I arrived and my experience there solidified my determination to become a veterinarian. For this reason, I have made it my goal return to Australia’s Murdoch University to face the challenges of the Veterinary Medicine Program.
I have considered laboratory animal research and specialization in exotic medicine or orthopedics as possible future career paths, but there are always new opportunities that fascinate me. My experience has provided a glimpse of the personal satisfaction I will gain from caring for individual animals and advancing the general understanding of animal care. My passion for the field, interest in science, dedication to continued education, and many years of preparation will allow me to adapt quickly and make a great contribution to the Veterinary Program at Murdoch University.