“Internet”
written by Gregg Ensminger and Jeff Kovatchitch
TV-Y7
Announcer: “Donny and Marie Download Their Family Tree and Crash Their Computer” will not be seen at this time, in order that we may bring you something more user-friendly.
***
LIVING ROOM
(Doug is playing on the computer, with martial arts sound-effects being heard, when Adam enters)
Adam: Hey Doug! Whatcha up to?
Doug: 30,000 points. I’m playing this cool new interactive game on the Internet.
Adam: Interactive? Wow, my parents can’t even afford a Gameboy for me!
Doug: Yeah, it’s really cool. A friend of mine that I met on the Internet says it‘s the “most interactive game on the ‘Net.”
Adam: Really?
Doug: Hold on! Almost got him!
(Doug gets pulled into the computer screen, and gets “pummeled” by his competition. Screams are heard from inside the monitor. Doug later re-emerges from the monitor beaten and tattered.)
Adam: Wow! That really IS interactive! This friend of yours has gotta be the coolest guy in the world!
Doug: (in a weakened voice) With friends like him, who needs enemies?!!
(Doug then faints)
***
OPENING ANIMATION
***
CLASSROOM
Teacher: Now class, today is a special day for our school. We are finally getting COMPUTERS! Starting tomorrow, every one of your desks will be equipped with a computer.
Alasdair: All right! We finally get to have something to play with during class!
Teacher: (sternly) Not exactly, Alasdair. You will be using your computers to do most of your school work. (turns to the entire class) Starting with today’s lesson, the Internet. Over the next few weeks, you’ll be downloading the answers off of the World Wide Web, and for the first time, you’ll be able to turn in your assignments through e-mail.
Vanessa: But sir, we’ve been able to e-mail you our assignments for a long time. I mean, hello! This is the new millennium; we all have Web access and e-mail addresses at home now!
Teacher: So you all have e-mail at home, huh? Well, that’s even better! Now I can assign you more homework. Now for tomorrow, I want you to read pages 15-446 in your textbooks, and download the answers for questions 1-1327 from the Web. And e-mail me your assignments by midnight tonight!
Alasdair: (sarcastically) Way to go, Vanessa!
Vanessa: Oh, yeah right! (mocking Alasdair) “We finally get to play games in class! Duhhh!”
***
STAGE (LINK SET)
Christine: Hi, and welcome to another edition of “You Can’t Do That on Television”. Today’s show is about the Internet, and appropriately enough, we have a computer right here on stage. A lot of you probably have some questions about how the Internet works, and we’ll be answering some of these questions today. In fact, let me show you some of the features of the Internet now. (walks over to the computer and takes hold of the mouse) Now, the first thing we do is...
Ross: (enters in a rush) Don’t touch that computer! It’s expensive equipment!
Christine: Ross, what’s wrong? I was just showing the viewers the Internet...
Ross: No, no, you don’t understand. This is no ordinary computer. No, this computer is going to help us make TV history, and put this show on the map!
Christine: How so?
Ross: See this camera mounted on top of the monitor? Well, we are going to become the first children’s TV show to simulcast live on television and on the Internet. We’ll be seen all around the world on computers everywhere!
Lisa: (enters) Did you say “all around the world”?
Ross: Yes, Lisa, all around the world!
(everyone else in the cast enters)
Kevin: (as everyone is entering) Wow! We’re gonna be broadcasting global! This is my ticket to fame and fortune!
Alanis: Yeah, maybe I’ll get my big break from the Internet.
(everyone reacts positively at the same time)
Ross: Now hold on, hold on. This is serious business. I’m not just going to let you hams use this Webcast to promote your own careers. You been using this show to do that for long enough!
Lisa: But Ross...
Ross: Uh-uh-uh! I don’t want to hear about it. Now just get away from the computer, you guys, or else you might break something, and it’s coming out of your pockets if you do.
Christine: (walking away) Oh sure, he can afford to buy expensive computers, but he can’t afford to give us raises!
***
EXECUTION
Executioner (El Capitano): Ready, aim...
Adam: Hold it, hold it! Stop the execution!
Capitano: What is it this time?
Adam: Why am I being executed?
Capitano: Because, you hacked our secret password to one of our top-secret Web sites, that’s why!
Adam: But sir, your Web site was nothing but local girls in bikinis, and unattractive ones at that!
Capitano: You don’t understand, lad. You see, we are a very poor country. We cannot afford Pentiums like you have. Our computers are so slow, that every time we have to change our password, it takes a week to upload all the information, right amigos?
(Amigos react)
Capitano (makes throat-slicing motion to shut the amigos up) Okay. Ready, AIM...
***
BLIP’S ARKAID
(Blip’s is unexpectedly empty, except for Blip and Kevin)
Kevin: Hey Blip, you got change for a dollar?
Blip: Sorry, no can do. I’m all out.
Kevin: What’s wrong?
Blip: Well, business has been slow lately. Apparently, kids today are on the Internet, so they never play video games anymore. I just wish there was some way to get all my customers back.
Kevin: Why don’t you put in some new games, ones that’ll make them interested in video games again?
Blip: That’s it! New games! I’ll just get some new games–and put then on my OWN Web site! Those kids will be so hooked on my games, they’ll PAY to play online! I’ll even accept credit cards, so they don’t have to get out of their chairs for quarters! They’ll never stop playing my games now! I’ll never even have to close! They can visit my site 24/7! Blip’s Arkaid is back in the money!!!
(Blip walks off in ecstasy)
Kevin: Oh, great! I hope my friends don’t find out I gave him this idea!
***
LINK SET
(each cast member is rehearsing different forms of entertainment)
Alanis: Hey Adam? What should I sing for the Webcast? “Fame” or “I Will Survive”?
Adam: Forget it, Alanis. You’ll never gain fame that way, because you’ll never survive the Webcast! Besides, nothing compares to my magic act.
Christine: You know, you guys are just wasting your time. Ross said he wouldn’t let you monkey around like that during the Webcast.
Adam: And what makes you so sure of that, Moose?
Christine: Because I’ll be reading poetry the whole time. I left Ross a note on his desk, telling him about my idea, and he’s bound to go for it. What better way to give our show world-wide credibility than to present something cultural on the air.
Alanis: What better way to put the whole world to sleep at once!
Christine: Ha-ha. At least I’m not trying something stupid like you guys.
Adam: You haven’t seen what Kevin is up to!
Christine: Hey, where is Kevin, anyway?
Adam: He’s working on his so-called “act”. He wants to fire himself out of a cannon.
Kevin (offstage): Gangway!!!
(a blast from a cannon is heard, as a giant puff of smoke comes from one side offstage; Kevin is heard crashing into some equipment offstage on the other side)
Kevin: (stumbles on stage with clothes tattered and skin somewhat charred) Whoa! That was some rush, man! When do we begin the Webcast?!!
***
BARTH’S BURGERY
(the place is unexpectedly filled to capacity with customers)
Barth: Okay, kids. Here you are. Hot out of the microwave!
Alanis: (unenthusiastically) Gee, thanks, Barth.
Christine: Hey Barth, I noticed that business has been booming lately. What’s up?
Barth: Well, yesterday I set up my own Web site to promote this joint: and business couldn’t be better!
Lisa: Hey, I didn’t know you knew how to make your own Web page.
Barth: I don’t. I had a team of nerds from the local college come in and do it for me. I tell you, (holding a large stack of money in front of him) it’s the best investment I ever made!
(Barth then walks away)
Vanessa: Wow, Barth is really loaded now! I wonder what he’s gonna do with all that extra money.
Alanis: With all these extra customers, he’ll probably have to spend it all on extra barf bags!
Barth: Dh...I-I-I-I heard that!
(suddenly, people in the restaurant start barfing, one by one)
***
DETENTION
Principal: Alasdair, why are in detention today?
Alasdair: (talking in sing-song mode) Because I used your computer to play games on the Internet, and I left it on all night, causing your monitor to burn.
Principal: That’s right, Alasdair.
Alasdair: But why is it my fault that you never got a screen saver?
Principal: That’s enough, Alasdair. Now for your detention, I want you to copy pages 1-1547 out of the dictionary.
Alasdair: But sir, that could take all night, and I don’t want to keep you here just because I haven’t finished copying pages, when I could just as well find an updated version of the dictionary on the Internet and print it out at home in no time.
Principal: Well then, you better run home, son, and get it printed out. I’d like it on my desk by tomorrow morning.
(Alasdair gets up to leave)
Alasdair: Or better yet, I could e-mail it to you right from home! Even better than that, I could send you the site’s URL directly!
Principal: Great, just e-mail the URL by this evening! I want to print it out before it gets dark.
(Alasdair begins to walk out, but then turns to face the camera)
Alasdair: Sometimes it’s so easy, I’m ashamed of myself!
***
LINK SET
(Alanis and Kevin are each holding costumes as Christine enters)
Christine: What’s with the costumes, guys?
Alanis: You know how we’ll be broadcasting world-wide on the Web?
Christine: Yeah?
Alanis: Well, Ross wants us to dress up in clothes worn “all around the world”. That’s why he’s making me dress like an Austrian milk maid. How dorky is that?
Kevin: Oh, that’s nothing. Ross has me dressing up as a Scotsman. Like I REALLY want to wear a skirt!
Christine: It’s not a skirt, Kevin; it’s a kilt.
Kevin: A what?
Christine: Kilt.
Kevin: That’s just what I’d like to do to Ross. I mean, I don’t want people being able to see what color underwear I’m wearing!
Christine: Uh, Kevin? There’s something you should know about wearing a kilt. You see...
Ross: (enters) Guys, guys, what is going on here? You people are supposed to be trying on your costumes. Now move it!
Alanis: Ross, these costumes are ridiculous!
Kevin: Yeah. What’d you do, Ross? Fire the wardrobe lady?
Ross: I can’t believe I’m hearing this! Most kids, if given the chance to do what you’re doing, would gladly do it for free!
Alanis: That’s still more than what you’re paying us!
Ross: Never mind, Alanis. At least some of you are more grateful than others. Why can’t you all be more like Doug? He’s in the dressing room right now doing what he’s supposed to, and he’s not complaining about his costume.
Doug (from offstage): (angrily) ROSS!!!!!
Ross: Gotta go! (exits quickly)
(Doug enters wearing a kimono, a black wig, and white face makeup)
Doug: Where the heck is Ross?!!!
***
LIVING ROOM
Vanessa: So you see, Mom, this is where you enter the URL, or address, of the Web site you want to visit.
Mom: Really? Now how do you know what the address for a particular Web site is?
Vanessa: Well, most Web sites are usually “ For example, if you want to send flowers, you can just type voila! You can send flowers to anyone, anywhere!
Mom: I saw in the bookmarks section something about shoes.com; what’s that?
Vanessa: Oh, that’s a site I found last week when I was looking for new shoes.
Mom: So that’s where the bill for new shoes came from. Oh well, I was going to buy you a new pair anyway! (points to the screen) So what that site?
Vanessa: Which one?
Mom: That one. “
Vanessa: I don’t remember that site being bookmarked. Let’s check it out.
(Vanessa clicks the mouse and immediately gets a pie in her face from a hand coming out of the monitor)
Mom: (laughing) I told you, you should be wearing your glasses at the computer screen! (keeps laughing)
(Vanessa’s face is completely covered in pie, as her eyes and mouth show through all the cream)
***
CLASSROOM
Teacher: Now, class, today we will be reviewing our look at: (points at blackboard, which says,)
the “WURLD WYDE WEBB”.
Now, can anyone tell me what we’ve learned so far about “browsers”? (looks around) Christine?
Christine: Well, Netscape made a name for itself as the leading producer of Internet browsers, mainly because it made its browsers completely accessible on the Web free of charge.
Teacher: Very good! Now can anyone tell me more about that? Adam?
Adam: Well, Microsoft didn’t want Netscape dominating the browser market, so they made major upgrades to their Internet Explorer, and used their marketing power to catch up in the market.
Teacher: Good! Now can anyone tell me...(notices Lisa not paying attention) Lisa? Perhaps you’d like to tell us what you’re doing while everyone else is LEARNING?
Lisa: I’m just doing some homework, sir. I found this great site, where you can shop for really cool clothes online; they got coats, purses, fashion accessories; I could just go on and on; this is just...
Teacher: Lisa, what does that have to do with today’s lesson?!!
Lisa: Weren’t you just talking about browsers?
Teachers: Yes, we were, Lisa!
Lisa: Well, I was just browsing for clothes! Isn’t that what you wanted us to be? Browsers?
Teacher (frustrated): (to himself) Is it any wonder no one graduates from my class?!!
***
LINK SET
(The cast is now those silly costumes)
Alanis: (looking at her costume) You know what? This costume really looks good on me. And I love the way it fits!
Kevin: Tell me about it. This outfit of mine is a virtual babe magnet! I can’t believe I’ve never worn it to school before!
Ross: (enters) So guys, I see you’re finally in costume.
Christine: Yeah, Ross. These clothes were an excellent idea, but there’s still something missing.
Ross: What?
Christine: Well, we were just talking, and we think what this Webcast needs is a musical number from “Up with People”.
Cast: Yeah, yeah!
Christine: And if we could do ballet, Ross, we’d love you forever.
Cast: Yeah!
Ross: Now that’s the spirit! I’m glad you’re finally getting into it!
Kevin: Well, not exactly.
Ross: What do you mean?
Alanis: You see, Ross, this is just the introduction to the opposite sketches!
Ross: I should’ve known! (sighs)
(screen flips)
***
LIVING ROOM (opposite)
(Kevin and Alasdair are on the computer when their parents come home. They madly rush to cover the monitor with their bodies as the door opens)
Mom: Hi, guys. What are you two up to?
Kevin: Oh, uh, just playing around on the computer, Mom.
Dad: (suspicious) Have you guys been visiting porn sites on the Web?
(Dad walks towards the computer to see what’s going on)
Alasdair: Uh, well, we were just...
Dad: A-ha! What’s this? Encyclopedia Britannica Online! You guys have been studying, haven’t you?
Alasdair: Yes, Dad.
Kevin: Yeah, dad.
Dad: I told you not to use my computer to study. Now, you two are to look at porn for the rest of the night. Here, start with this site: bigbosoms.com.
Kevin: But Dad...
Dad: No “buts”! And if I ever catch you studying on the computer again, I’ll suspend yer Internet privileges for a month! Now go on, click “Yes, I’m 18 or Older”.
***
MOVIE THEATER (opposite)
Christine: Hey Lisa, did you see the trailer to this film on the Internet?
Lisa: Oh yeah! Pauly Shore couldn’t have been more adorable! He’s the reason I’m seeing this movie.
Christine: Yeah, and it’s great how he’s finally getting to sing in the film this time!
Lisa: Definitely! I just wish my computer was slower, so that I could have enjoyed the trailer more.
Christine: I hear you. I have the same problem. Watching the trailer at normal speed just drives you nuts! I can’t wait to downgrade from my Pentium III, and finally get something that’ll make me wait forever for video clips.
Lisa: Oh, there he is! Pauly, you are SOOOOOO talented! (blows kisses towards the screen)
Christine: Popcorn?
Lisa: No thanks, I’m on a diet.
***
DETENTION (opposite)
(The principal is holding a huge stack of paper that Doug used to copy the dictionary)