How to Cope With a Child That has an ODD diagnosis!
ODD kids are essentially handicapped in their ability to be flexible and handle frustration. "These kids maintain an oppositional attitude even when it's clearly not in their best interest," says Greene, "so we have to assume they would be doing well if they could, but they lack the capacity for flexibility and frustration management that ordinary children develop."
Thus, expecting perfectly compliant behavior from a child who may not be able to deliver the goods is unrealistic. Instead, you have to remain as patient as possible, and try to teach your child skills that help him deal with frustration, irritability, inflexibility and other difficult feelings.
So where do you start? It may help to consult a therapist, who can not only check to see if your child has ODD, but also give both of you and your child some coping strategies. Whether you use a therapist or not, you'll most likely begin where other parents leave off. "We've done all the stars and the charts and the rewards," says Carol. "And we've tried isolation and loss of privileges. Sometimes I think our child doesn't even make a connection between what she's done and the consequences." With such children, you have to learn how to manage your own reactions---then teach your child the skills she needs.
Don't take it personally. That's a tall order when a child is screaming at you or calling you names. Often parents can't help feeling a child could control his ODD behavior if only he'd try harder. But it's critical to gain some distance. Realizing that "it's not personal" makes it more likely that parents will respond constructively rather than vindictively to a child's behavior.
"Before I start seeing the child, I work with the parents to get them to step back and use the same analytical abilities they would use at work," says Sutton. "I ell them to pretend they are a child care worker and this is not their kid."
Refuse to join the fight. ODD kids are masters at turning everything into a power struggle. The best way to avoid such struggles is to keep the focus of every conversation on the problem at hand. This is easier said than done, of course. In a typical fight with an ODD child, you might start by stating a simple rule---"No TV until homework is finished"---and before you know it, you wind up arguing about swearing and disobedience. In other words, you're suddenly fighting about whether your authority is legitimate. To avoid this, calmly repeat the rule and the reasons for it.
Above all, keep your composure. "These kids crave a reaction from you," says Tina Draper, a mother who runs an online support group. "So you have to learn not to react." That doesn't mean ignoring your child's behavior---just deferring your comments until he's able to hear them. "I used to get into shouting matches with my son," says Rosie Linko, parent of a teenager with ODD. "Now I let things slide until he calms down. They I say "When you were angry, you did this and that's not OK with me. What could you do differently?"
Ease up the controls. ODD kids don't readily comply, so the more requests you issue, the more the opportunities for the child to get stuck. Greene recommends that parents divide the things they want their ODD child to do into three categories or "baskets." Basket A holds a few mandatory rules, which are usually about safety---you must wear your seat belt in the car, siblings can't hit each other, and so on. Basket B holds issues on which you are willing to negotiate when you think your child is able to do so. And Basket C includes rules that aren't worth bothering with until your child can handle frustration. Every parent will put different behaviors in different baskets. Swearing, for example, is a Basket B issue for some parents and an ignore-it-for-now issue for others. "Work on one or two high priority behaviors at a time," says Sutton.
Establish simple, enforceable consequences. Rules have no value unless they are backed up by swift, unambivalent consequences. ODD kids can make this difficult. They often provoke parents into escalating consequences. If you say "You're grounded for the weekend," and your child replies "Big deal," it's very tempting to respond by upping the ante. You might angrily threaten, "Well, then make it a month." Remember that such a reaction will only inflame things. Instead, stick to consequences that are fair and dispassionately enforced.
Teach relationship strategies.Unlike typical children, who usually pick up essential social skills, ODD kids need them to be spelled out again and again. Rosie Linko remembers teaching her son to stop and count to 20 when he felt really angry. "Now," she says, "I'll see him do it sometimes. He'll focus on getting himself together before he does something he'll be sorry for."
Use the back door.Because oppositional kids react so vehemently to direct commands, many parents get better results when they rethink the way they communicate with their child. Instead of issuing a direct command, such as, "Clean up your toys," say something more neutral, such as "The toys need to be picked up before the TV goes on."
For older children, some parents sidestep an argument by putting what they want in writing. One working mom leaves her ODD son a list of after-school responsibilities next to his snack. "He usually does what's on the list," she says. "If I called to ask him to do the same things, we'0d have a fight."
Give your child genuine choices. ODD kids want to be in charge, so give that responsibility whenever you can. Instead of arguing with a school-age child about whether he needs a jacket, tell him the weather forecast. If he comes home shivering, don't lecture. Instead, sympathize with the fact that it must have been colder than he imagined. Gradually, he'll take responsibility for his own choices---instead of blaming you when things go wrong.
Praise your child whenever possible.Changing the ODD reflex is hard for your kids, so parents need to notice and appreciate even small instances of cooperation---"It was really a help to me when you pitched in with the cleanup after supper." Kenneth Wenning recommends even creating as many opportunities for positive reinforcement as possible. If, for instance, you're working on a household repair, ask your child to hand you a tool. When he does what you ask, thank him specifically for his willingness to help out. If he doesn't, move on without comment. "The idea is to make your request so easy that your child will comply without thinking about it," says Wenning. "Then, for just a moment, he'll experience the positive feelings associated with cooperation."
Connect with what you like about your child. Parents of ODD kids are keenly aware of the problems their kids cause. "CJ just tests us and frustrates us so much that it is difficult to want to be with him," says one mom. But that's only half the picture. "These kids are often bright, vigorous and very creative," says psychologist Sutton. "I try to help parents appreciate the strength that's attached to the oppositional drive." He recommends a simple technique he calls affirmation. When your child is reading in bed or watching TV, sit down beside him. If he says "Mom, why are you sitting here?" simply answer "Things get so hectic. Everybody's going in every direction. I just missed being with you." Don't try to have a heart-to-heart or hash over a problem. "Just honor the child with your presence," says Sutton. "You'd be surprised how powerful this can be.
Take care of yourself and your mate. Remember that ODD is not something you, your partner---or for that matter, your child---has chosen. So take time for things that will relieve stress---exercise, have lunch with a supportive friend, watch funny movies---and treat your partner as your ally. Go out together and talk about anything but your ODD child. "Although ODD does put a child at risk for more serious future difficulty, it is a problem that can be resolved by parents who may work collaboratively with therapists and the child's teachers," says Wenning.