Skeleton in the Closet
(A meeting room.)
Minister Item 7. What is Item 7?
Humphrey Well, if I may just recapitulate, Minister . . .
Bernard Ahem.
Humphrey Sorry.
Bernard Sorry, Minister. You can't actually recapitulate an item if you haven't started it yet.
Humphrey Thank you, Bernard, where would we be without you? May I continue, Minister. Recapitulating our last meeting, Minister, and our submissions and minutes, which you doubtless received in your boxes, Minister.
Minister Doubtless, yes, yes . . . Well, what was it, Humphrey?
Humphrey The proposal to take disciplinary action against South Derbyshire council.
Minister Ah, yes. Remind me, Bernard.
Bernard Well, they failed to complete their statutory returns, and to provide us with the statistical information that we require.
Minister Oh yes. well, what are we going to do about it?
Humphrey The action we could take, you mean? Well, a rebuke from the Minister, a press statement about their incompetence, the withholding of various grants and allowances, or ultimately, as you are no doubt fully aware,
Minister Yes, of course.
Humphrey Good.
Minister I'm fully aware of what?
Humphrey What?
Minister What am I fully aware of?
Humphrey (lost for words) Um, I can't think of anything. (corrects himself) I mean, I can't think of . . .
Minister You said, 'ultimately, as I am fully aware of'.
Humphrey Ah, yes - ultimately, taking the local authority to court. Sorry.
Minister Is it really that serious?
Humphrey Serious? It's catastrophic!
Minister Why?
Humphrey If local authorities don't send us the statistics that we ask for, than government figures will be a nonsense.
Minister Why?
Humphrey They will be incomplete.
Minister But government figures are a nonsense anyway.
Bernard I think Sir Humphrey want to ensure they are a complete nonsense.
Minister But why should we make an example of South Derbyshire?
Humphrey Well, why do you object? Is it because the council's controlled by your party?
Minister No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. But . . . couldn't we just pick on an opposition council?
Humphrey Oh really, Minister.
Minister Is South Derbyshire really all that bad?
Humphrey Terrible.
Minister Why?
Humphrey They won't return their blue forms. They still haven't completed last year's employment trends questionnaire.
Peter They replied to our ethnical personnel breakdown request in longhand. On the back of a departmental circular.
Linda We still haven't had their revised social worker caseload analysis for the last two quarters. Or their distributed data processing table. It's unbelievable. Really evil.
Minister Because they won't return their forms in triplicate? Yes, I really don't see how life can still go on in Derbyshire.
Humphrey Exactly, Minister. You see, they really are in a class of their own for incompetence.
Minister Have they no redeeming features?
Cartwright Well, it is fascinating . . .
Humphrey (interrupts) Well, if that's all right, Minister, we can take the appropriate course of action?
Cartwright Yes, well the Minister might like to know . . .
Humphrey (interrupts) I take it you approve, Minister.
Minister Well, it's a difficult one. They're friends, you see.
Humphrey They are no friends of good administration.
Minister Well, give me twenty-four hours. I'll have to square the party organisation - get the chairman invited to one of those drinky 'do's at Number Ten or something. Soften the blow. Right, anything else?
Humphrey No, I think that seems to be all.
(Everyone gets up to leave. Dr Cartwright approaches the Minister, but is swiftly intercepted by Humphrey.)
Humphrey Richard, I need your advice, if you can spare a moment.
Cartwright Yes, of course.
(Back in the office.)
Minister Bernard, I'm not happy about disciplining South Derbyshire.
Bernard Oh, why not, Minister?
Minister Instinct. Dr Cartwright seemed to be trying to tell me something. I think I'll drop in on him.
Bernard Oh, no no no, I wouldn't do that, Minister.
Minister Why not?
Bernard Well, it is understood that if Ministers want to know anything, it would have been brought to their notice. If they go out looking for information, they might . . . well, they might
Minister Find it?
Bernard Er, Sir Humphrey does not take kindly to the idea of Ministers just 'dropping in' on people. 'Going walkabout', he calls it.
Minister The Queen does it.
Bernard I don't think she drops in on undersecretaries, not in Sir Humphrey's department.
Minister What's his room number?
Bernard I must formally advise you against this, Minister.
Minister Advice noted.
Bernard (promptly) Room 4107.
(The Minister turns to leave.)
Bernard Down one flight, second corridor on the left.
Minister If I'm not back in 48 hours, send out a search party.
Bernard (picks up phone) Hello Graham, this is Bernard. Look, I think you'd better tell Sir Humphrey that the Minister's just gone walkabout. Yes. Yes, AWOL. Well, of course I told him, yes. I know. I think you'd better let him know, right away. (He hangs up.)
Bernard (counts) One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
(On ten, Sir Humphrey bursts in.)
Humphrey What's all this about?
Bernard The Minister's just left the office, Sir Humphrey, that's all.
Humphrey That's all? Do you mean he's loose in the building? Why didn't you warn me?
Bernard Well, I did advise him, Sir Humphrey, but he's the Minister, and there's no statutory prohibition against Ministers talking to their staff, is there?
Humphrey Who is he talking to, Bernard?
Bernard Perhaps he's just restless.
Humphrey If the Minister is restless, Bernard, he can feed the ducks in St. James's Park.
Bernard Yes, Sir Humphrey, I see.
Humphrey And now tell me who the Minister's talking to.
Bernard Well, surely the Minister can talk to anyone.
Humphrey Bernard. I'm in the middle of writing your annual report. Now it is not a responsibility that either of us would wish me to discharge whilst I am in a bad temper. Who's the Minister talking to?
Bernard Well, perhaps you can help me with this, Sir Humphrey. I can quite see that you should be told if the Minister calls on an outsider, but I fail to see why you should be informed, if er, to take a hypothetical example, to check a point with Dr. Cartwright, or . . .
Humphrey Thank you, Bernard.
Bernard Room 4017.
Humphrey I know.
(In Dr. Cartwright's office.)
Minister So all those things they told me about South Derbyshire Council - are they true?
Cartwright They may be, for all I know.
Minister What are you saying?
Cartwright I'm saying, nevertheless, South Derbyshire is the most efficient local authority in the UK.
Minister Most efficient? I'm supposed to be ticking them off for being the least efficient.
Cartwright Look at the figures.
Minister I thought they didn't send us any?
Cartwright No, but they keep their own records perfectly well. I'm going on those. (He opens a file and shows the Minister.) They've got the lowest truancy record in the Midlands, the lowest administrative cost per council house, lowest ratio in Britain of council workers to rate income, clean bill of public health, with the lowest number of environmental health officers
Minister What are environmental health officers?
Cartwright Ratcatchers. Virtually all the children can read and write, even though they've had a progressive education. Oh yes, and they've got the smallest establishment of social workers in the UK.
Minister Is that supposed to be a good thing?
Cartwright Oh yes. Sign of efficiency. Parkinson's law of social work, you see. It's well known that social problems increase to occupy the total number of social workers available to deal with them.
Minister And all these figures are OK, are they?
(Sir Humphrey knocks and enters. From this point on, the Minister reacts like a guilty schoolboy trying to seem innocent.)
Humphrey Oh, Richard, I wonder if I could (He stops and assumes a state of shock.) Good heavens, Minister!
Minister Humphrey. What a coincidence.
Humphrey Indeed. What a surprise!
Minister Yes.
Humphrey Yes.
Minister I was just passing.
Humphrey Passing?
Minister Yes, passing.
Humphrey Oh, passing. And where were you going?
Minister I was just going . . . past. Past the door. Cartwright's . . . Richard's door. And I thought . . . hello.
Humphrey And then did you think anything further?
Minister Yes, I thought, why should I just pass the door? Why don't I open it?
Humphrey Quick thinking, Minister, that's what doors are for.
Minister And there were one or two points I wanted to clear up.
Humphrey Oh, good good good. What points?
Minister Just a couple of odd points.
(They laugh.)
Humphrey How odd?
Minister Not all that odd. We just had a meeting.
Humphrey Minister, I wonder if I could have a word with you.
Minister Yes, of course, as soon as Dr. Cartwright . . .
Humphrey No, I mean now.
Minister Oh. All right, carry on.
Humphrey No, upstairs, in your office, Minister, if you don't mind.
Minister I'm sure Richard doesn't mind.
Humphrey No, upstairs, Minister. I'm sure that Dr. Cartwright can spare you for a few moments. Thank you, Richard. (Opening the door) Minister, please.
(Back in the Minister's office.)
Humphrey You may go, Bernard. Now, Minister, what was all that in aid of?
Minister I have learnt some very interesting facts.
Humphrey Well, I sincerely hope it does not happen again.
Minister I beg your pardon?
Humphrey You simply cannot go round speaking to people in the department.
Minister And why not?
Humphrey Minister, how can I advise you properly if I don't know who's saying what to whom? I must know what is going on. You simply cannot have completely private conversations. Now, supposing you are told things that are not true.
Minister Well, if they are not true, then you can put me right.
Humphrey But they may be true. That is, not entirely false - but misleading, open to misinterpretation.
Minister I believe you're trying to keep things from me, Humphrey.
Humphrey Absolutely not, Minister. Minutes must be taken, records must be kept. You won't be here forever, you know. Nor will we. In years to come, it may be vital to know what you were told. If Cartwright were moved tomorrow, how could we check on your information?
Minister Cartwright won't be moved tomorrow.
Humphrey Oh really?
(Bernard knocks and enters.)
Bernard Alex Andrews from the Mail to see you, Minister.
Minister Ah. Hang on a moment, Bernard. I'd like you to minute this conversation - everything must be minuted, you know. Sit down, would you, Humphrey? Now, South Derbyshire council.
Bernard (getting out pen and paper) Just a minute, Minister.
Minister Yes, that's what I said. South Derbyshire council - Dr Cartwright told me that it is the most efficient council in Britain.
Humphrey Inefficient, I think he means, Minister.
Minister Efficient, Humphrey. Economical, effective. They're just not very interested in sending bits of blue paper to Whitehall.
Humphrey But they have to send them.
Minister Why?
Humphrey It is a statutory requirement.
Minister If they don't, Britain carries on. South Derbyshire carries on, rather well as it happens.
Humphrey But if they don't send us the information and the plans and the requests for permission, well, what are we here for?
Minister Good question. What are we here for?
Humphrey To collect the information, inspect the plans and withhold or grant permission.
Minister And if we didn't?
Humphrey I'm sorry, Minister. I don't understand.
Minister If we weren't here and we didn't do it, what then?
Humphrey I'm sorry, Minister. You've lost me.
Minister You know, your trouble is that you're more concerned with means than ends.
Humphrey There are no ends in administration, Minister, except loose ends. Administration is eternal.
Bernard Forever and ever...
Humphrey and Bernard ...amen.
Bernard It is because there are no ends, Minister, that they talk about government circles.
Minister Exactly, Bernard, which is what we're going round in at the moment. Anyway, I don't intend to discipline South Derbyshire. I shall look a complete idiot.
Humphrey I'm sorry, Minister, but it's your job. (clarifies) To discipline South Derbyshire. You have no alternative - the Treasury and the Cabinet Office insist.
Minister Humphrey, I cannot agree to this. Not today, anyhow.
Humphrey Well, tomorrow, then. Hmmm?
Minister No, Humphrey.
Humphrey Minister, I'm sorry, you don't seem to understand. It is not up to you and is not up to me. It is the law.
Bernard Minister, I think you ought to talk to the Mail.
Minister Very well, Bernard. Thank you, Humphrey.
Humphrey Thank you, Minister.
(Exit Humphrey.)
Minister Bernard, how did Sir Humphrey know I was with Dr. Cartwright?"
Bernard God moves in a mysterious way.
Minister Let me make one thing perfectly clear Humphrey is not God, OK?
Bernard Will you tell him or shall I?
Minister Tell me how he knew where I was.
Bernard Well, confidentially Minister, everything you tell me is in complete confidence, so equally, and I am sure you appreciate this, and by appreciate I don't actually mean appreciate, I mean understand, that everything Sir Humphrey tells me is also in complete confidence, as indeed everything I tell you is in complete confidence, and for that matter everything I tell Sir Humphrey is in complete confidence."