Subtitles
Primary Special Needs: Communicating with Parents
0001 10:00:04:01 10:00:06:24
Excuse me, are you Mrs Chandler?
0002 10:00:06:24 10:00:09:01
- Yes.
- I have an appointment with you.
0003 10:00:09:01 10:00:11:18
- Oh, uh...
- You want to talk to me about Tim.
0004 10:00:11:18 10:00:14:08
- Tim's mum.
- That's right, my son Tim.
0005 10:00:14:08 10:00:17:20
(narrator) If you recognise
the potential drama of this meeting,
0006 10:00:17:20 10:00:23:00
this programme can help with useful
skills to handle it successfully.
0007 10:00:23:00 10:00:26:21
(Mrs Chandler) OK, obviously we have
put some procedures in place now.
0008 10:00:26:21 10:00:30:01
Parents of children
who have special educational needs
0009 10:00:30:01 10:00:33:12
are often the most anxious parents.
0010 10:00:33:12 10:00:35:15
So therefore, for a teacher,
0011 10:00:35:15 10:00:39:23
it is particularly important they
develop these communication skills
0012 10:00:39:23 10:00:43:18
to be able to work effectively
and have a good relationship
0013 10:00:43:18 10:00:46:22
with parents of children
with special educational needs.
0014 10:00:46:22 10:00:49:19
Thank you so much for coming today.
0015 10:00:49:19 10:00:53:18
(narrator) We've come to a day where
teachers learn communication skills.
0016 10:00:53:18 10:00:57:20
Conciliation strategies, useful to
staff who have contact with parents,
0017 10:00:57:20 10:01:01:17
are explained through a course
run by Partnership with Parents,
0018 10:01:01:17 10:01:03:17
Kent LEA's support organisation
0019 10:01:03:17 10:01:08:05
for parents of children
with special educational needs.
0020 10:01:08:05 10:01:12:08
The parents were telling us that
they felt intimidated in school,
0021 10:01:12:08 10:01:14:20
that they felt
they weren't being listened to,
0022 10:01:14:20 10:01:17:18
that they weren't given
the information they needed
0023 10:01:17:18 10:01:19:15
about their own child.
0024 10:01:19:15 10:01:22:13
So it was decided
that on this particular course,
0025 10:01:22:13 10:01:25:22
we could teach what we loosely call
conciliation skills,
0026 10:01:25:22 10:01:29:21
which includes body language,
active listening,
0027 10:01:29:21 10:01:35:13
perceptual positioning, principled
negotiation, handling objections.
0028 10:01:35:13 10:01:39:19
All these kind of skills,
which they've already got,
0029 10:01:39:19 10:01:42:16
but we just wanted
to make them aware of that
0030 10:01:42:16 10:01:44:21
and to build on them even more.
0031 10:01:44:21 10:01:46:20
(Gill) Before I ask you
to sit down...
0032 10:01:46:20 10:01:49:16
(narrator) With the teachers
out of their comfort zone,
0033 10:01:49:16 10:01:54:03
they're asked to draw and describe
how they feel as the course starts.
0034 10:01:54:03 10:01:57:04
(woman) I certainly felt nervous.
0035 10:01:57:04 10:01:59:09
We were apprehensive to start with.
0036 10:01:59:09 10:02:03:02
This is me when we arrived. I was
drowning in the middle of a puddle
0037 10:02:03:02 10:02:05:04
because I didn't know
what was going on.
0038 10:02:05:04 10:02:08:05
(woman) I've put, "Oh, help!"
because I'm a bit nervous.
0039 10:02:08:05 10:02:12:01
We're feeling like this, but how
do you think parents are feeling
0040 10:02:12:01 10:02:15:02
when they come out
of their comfort zone as well?
0041 10:02:15:02 10:02:17:19
And maybe we don't always
think about that
0042 10:02:17:19 10:02:21:03
because we're so engrossed
in how we're feeling
0043 10:02:21:03 10:02:23:20
and how we want things to go.
0044 10:02:23:20 10:02:26:18
(narrator) The role-plays
demonstrate how feelings
0045 10:02:26:18 10:02:29:12
on the part of both the parent
and the member of staff
0046 10:02:29:12 10:02:32:02
can affect behaviour.
0047 10:02:32:02 10:02:35:17
I'm not frustrated, I'm angry.
I'm very angry.
0048 10:02:35:17 10:02:38:17
I was told that this was
a good school for my son.
0049 10:02:38:17 10:02:40:17
In this meeting at the moment,
0050 10:02:40:17 10:02:45:21
I'm feeling quite frustrated
and disappointed
0051 10:02:45:21 10:02:52:16
that the parent is feeling as upset
and as angry as she is with us.
0052 10:02:52:16 10:02:55:15
The skill that I've learnt today
which I'll take with me
0053 10:02:55:15 10:02:58:01
is to respect
other people's feelings
0054 10:02:58:01 10:03:01:17
and not just think about myself,
how I feel in the situation,
0055 10:03:01:17 10:03:06:17
but to think of the whole picture
and consider how other people feel.
0056 10:03:06:17 10:03:09:13
(narrator) Adopting an overview
of the situation
0057 10:03:09:13 10:03:13:00
leads to the importance of providing
the appropriate atmosphere
0058 10:03:13:00 10:03:15:15
for a successful meeting.
0059 10:03:15:15 10:03:18:14
I think that you shouldn't have
a desk between you...
0060 10:03:18:14 10:03:22:04
No, not at all. Everyone should be
at the same level.
0061 10:03:22:04 10:03:25:11
No one should feel there's
a position of authority in the room,
0062 10:03:25:11 10:03:27:24
especially when discussing
sensitive issues.
0063 10:03:27:24 10:03:31:23
(narrator) Two teachers experimented
with different meeting scenarios.
0064 10:03:31:23 10:03:35:06
Comfortable chairs of equal level,
blocking phone calls,
0065 10:03:35:06 10:03:38:23
and clutter-free surroundings
are helpful things to consider,
0066 10:03:38:23 10:03:41:22
as well as providing tissues
and drinking water.
0067 10:03:42:18 10:03:45:22
(narrator) Back in the classroom,
with 55% of communication
0068 10:03:45:22 10:03:47:12
being through body language,
0069 10:03:47:12 10:03:49:12
the teachers engaged
with a few moves
0070 10:03:49:12 10:03:53:11
to master their technique
on the meeting room floor.
0071 10:03:53:11 10:03:57:05
Suzy and Angie took time out
to practise.
0072 10:03:57:05 10:04:01:01
When people agree on a subject,
they tend to mirror one another.
0073 10:04:01:01 10:04:05:18
They lean in,
make eye contact and smile.
0074 10:04:05:18 10:04:08:22
I like to relax, reading books.
I read books for hours on end.
0075 10:04:08:22 10:04:13:04
I feel like I'm drawn to Sue now
because we're definitely agreeing.
0076 10:04:13:04 10:04:18:20
My body wants to move in,
to be open, to smile more, nod more.
0077 10:04:18:20 10:04:21:16
(narrator) When they disagree,
the opposite happens.
0078 10:04:21:16 10:04:23:17
Their body positions
no longer match.
0079 10:04:23:17 10:04:29:11
One pulls away from the other
and they cross their limbs.
0080 10:04:29:11 10:04:31:08
I feel comfortable like this
0081 10:04:31:08 10:04:34:22
cos I don't really want to look
at her while we're disagreeing,
0082 10:04:34:22 10:04:38:03
although I am leaning back
cos she's being quite aggressive.
0083 10:04:38:03 10:04:40:10
I want to remove myself
from the situation.
0084 10:04:40:10 10:04:43:05
But I definitely don't want
to be leaning in at all.
0085 10:04:43:05 10:04:46:03
I feel that I need to pull you in
to actually listen to me.
0086 10:04:46:03 10:04:50:05
I feel like I'm approaching you,
but you keep dismissing me.
0087 10:04:50:05 10:04:54:18
That I have to come forward for you
to take on board what I'm saying.
0088 10:04:54:18 10:04:57:14
(narrator) Consciously using
positive body language
0089 10:04:57:14 10:04:59:09
during a tricky disagreement
0090 10:04:59:09 10:05:02:08
can turn a situation around.
0091 10:05:05:06 10:05:07:00
I wouldn't have felt comfortable.
0092 10:05:07:00 10:05:09:20
We've had to reach a compromise
to be able to do this,
0093 10:05:09:20 10:05:13:00
otherwise we wouldn't have been able
to sit this close.
0094 10:05:13:00 10:05:17:03
It's too intense when you're having
a disagreement to sit this close.
0095 10:05:17:03 10:05:21:13
I felt much better cos we actually
kind of come to a compromise.
0096 10:05:21:13 10:05:23:23
I couldn't really lean in
and be aggressive.
0097 10:05:23:23 10:05:25:14
No, I couldn't.
0098 10:05:25:14 10:05:29:16
I wanted to find an agreement and...
0099 10:05:29:16 10:05:32:11
Yeah, it was too intense
to be moving our bodies.
0100 10:05:32:11 10:05:35:23
- We were drawn to each other.
- Cos we were trying to agree.
0101 10:05:35:23 10:05:38:19
It was the body language
that was making us agree more.
0102 10:05:38:19 10:05:41:06
I've had an issue
with dealing with a parent
0103 10:05:41:06 10:05:44:12
whose son has behavioural issues.
0104 10:05:44:12 10:05:50:16
Going in, having her come in for
meetings and using my body language.
0105 10:05:50:16 10:05:55:00
I was tense, she was tense,
and the meeting was unsuccessful.
0106 10:05:55:00 10:05:57:09
However, if I'd known
to use body language,
0107 10:05:57:09 10:06:00:10
I could've disarmed her
before she entered the classroom
0108 10:06:00:10 10:06:04:01
and therefore the meeting probably
would've been more successful.
0109 10:06:04:01 10:06:05:19
(narrator) With comfy chairs
0110 10:06:05:19 10:06:08:07
and bodies
in positive communication mode,
0111 10:06:08:07 10:06:12:21
it was time to practise the next
important skill - active listening.
0112 10:06:12:21 10:06:15:16
I think it's really important
to demonstrate
0113 10:06:15:16 10:06:18:01
that you value the parent's views.
0114 10:06:18:01 10:06:20:23
No one knows the child
better than the parent,
0115 10:06:20:23 10:06:25:12
so I think it's really important
that the teacher acknowledges -
0116 10:06:25:12 10:06:28:21
one way of doing this
is actually using active listening -
0117 10:06:28:21 10:06:31:21
that you've listened
to what the parent is saying,
0118 10:06:31:21 10:06:34:17
and actually you really do
value their opinion.
0119 10:06:34:17 10:06:38:03
I'm not coming in here to have a go
or to be cross or angry,
0120 10:06:38:03 10:06:41:03
I just want to know
that you are aware of his needs,
0121 10:06:41:03 10:06:44:09
that the school has passed on
that information.
0122 10:06:44:09 10:06:47:10
Because obviously I want my son...
0123 10:06:47:10 10:06:50:11
I know that he is not
the most well-behaved,
0124 10:06:50:11 10:06:55:01
I know that he's not necessarily
the brightest child in the world,
0125 10:06:55:01 10:06:57:01
but he had support
in the last school
0126 10:06:57:01 10:06:59:22
and I want to make sure
that he's got that same support.
0127 10:06:59:22 10:07:04:12
You want us to know that your child
is not necessarily well-behaved
0128 10:07:04:12 10:07:07:24
and that he's not maybe
the brightest child in the class,
0129 10:07:07:24 10:07:09:24
but he needs the support
put in place
0130 10:07:09:24 10:07:12:11
and you want to make sure
that we are doing that.
0131 10:07:12:11 10:07:15:05
(narrator) So how does that feel
for the parent now?
0132 10:07:15:05 10:07:17:17
I found that really useful.
It was really good.
0133 10:07:17:17 10:07:20:16
I could tell you were listening
to what I was saying
0134 10:07:20:16 10:07:23:20
and you were empathising,
but it was...
0135 10:07:23:20 10:07:28:00
At times, I wanted to say something
and you were still talking.
0136 10:07:28:00 10:07:31:00
- So I need to shorten what I say.
- Yeah.
0137 10:07:31:00 10:07:34:16
He's also trying to make friends
with the children in the local area
0138 10:07:34:16 10:07:38:21
and that's really difficult because
obviously with different changes...
0139 10:07:38:21 10:07:41:19
He's the new kid on the block
and they don't want to know.
0140 10:07:41:19 10:07:44:14
So you're worried about friends
because of the move.
0141 10:07:44:14 10:07:48:12
That was a lot better in the sense
that you weren't quite so long.
0142 10:07:48:12 10:07:52:20
There's still times where I wanted
to interrupt, but it was better,
0143 10:07:52:20 10:07:57:13
and I felt that I wasn't just having
someone talk to me continually
0144 10:07:57:13 10:08:01:03
and just repeating everything
and making me feel stupid.
0145 10:08:01:03 10:08:05:22
You were summarising the key points
so I knew you were paying attention.
0146 10:08:05:22 10:08:09:00
It's hard to know when
to consolidate what someone has said
0147 10:08:09:00 10:08:13:19
without trying to cut them off. It's
quite tricky to look for that pause.
0148 10:08:15:03 10:08:18:14
I think it's interesting that,
looking at parents in our school,
0149 10:08:18:14 10:08:23:11
they often find the most successful
teacher is the most intimidating.
0150 10:08:23:11 10:08:26:23
I think that's because we tend
to put down a professional shutter
0151 10:08:26:23 10:08:30:09
when we're meeting them, whereas
the skills of active listening
0152 10:08:30:09 10:08:34:03
basically would be that you engage
on an emotional level as well,
0153 10:08:34:03 10:08:37:04
and show them that you're human
and you're adult to adult,
0154 10:08:37:04 10:08:40:22
not some scary professional
that they may have issues with
0155 10:08:40:22 10:08:43:12
because of their own
childhood experiences.
0156 10:08:43:12 10:08:46:15
So what else can you do
to help my boy?
0157 10:08:46:15 10:08:49:15
Well, obviously we are trying
to do as much as we can.
0158 10:08:49:15 10:08:52:19
I've got a big enough workload
and enough students already.
0159 10:08:52:19 10:08:56:00
- It doesn't matter. It's my son.
- I'm doing everything I can.
0160 10:08:56:00 10:09:00:11
Obviously you're not doing enough.
I'm going to take this further.
0161 10:09:00:11 10:09:04:06
I need to talk to your headmistress.
I need to do a bit more about this.
0162 10:09:04:06 10:09:06:06
I'm sorry.
0163 10:09:10:20 10:09:14:10
(narrator) So how can you avoid
a dramatic meeting like this one?
0164 10:09:14:10 10:09:15:22
Hello, Mrs Stevens.
0165 10:09:15:22 10:09:19:04
(narrator) The course facilitator
gave Sam some coaching.
0166 10:09:19:04 10:09:23:17
Three times this past week I've been
here, letters home and phone calls.
0167 10:09:23:17 10:09:26:24
What is it with you and Bradley?
What you don't you like about him?
0168 10:09:26:24 10:09:29:20
It's not that we don't like him,
it's just that...
0169 10:09:29:20 10:09:32:03
What exactly is it that you're...
0170 10:09:32:03 10:09:36:03
I'm going to stop you already.
You need, I suggest, to say to her
0171 10:09:36:03 10:09:39:04
that you recognise
how she's feeling, you see.
0172 10:09:39:04 10:09:42:13
So you're sorry that you feel...
0173 10:09:42:13 10:09:48:13
that Mrs Yvonne feels
that you don't like Bradley.
0174 10:09:48:13 10:09:51:20
Could she explain a bit more
as to why?
0175 10:09:51:20 10:09:54:22
Why does she feel
that you don't like him?
0176 10:09:54:22 10:09:58:03
So you need to obviously
recognise that with her first.
0177 10:09:58:03 10:10:02:06
Right. Thank you very much
for coming in, and I'm really sorry.
0178 10:10:02:06 10:10:05:17
I can see you're obviously very
upset about the whole situation,
0179 10:10:05:17 10:10:11:01
and I can understand, but exactly
what is it that you're upset about?
0180 10:10:11:01 10:10:13:16
Pinpoint for me
exactly what you're upset about.
0181 10:10:13:16 10:10:17:16
I'm in here again, aren't I?
They called me in again to school.
0182 10:10:17:16 10:10:22:11
So are you annoyed
that we've actually called you in?
0183 10:10:22:11 10:10:24:23
Or is there anything else
that's annoying you?
0184 10:10:24:23 10:10:27:08
Is it just the fact
that we've had to ring you?
0185 10:10:27:08 10:10:30:18
- I left the kids at my neighbours'.
- Stop again. I'm so sorry.
0186 10:10:30:18 10:10:33:02
You haven't actually
acknowledged, still,
0187 10:10:33:02 10:10:35:07
that she feels
you don't like Bradley,
0188 10:10:35:07 10:10:38:01
and I think that
that is the basis of this.
0189 10:10:38:01 10:10:40:19
Her feeling is
that you don't like her son.
0190 10:10:40:19 10:10:43:01
So she's annoyed
that you've called her in,
0191 10:10:43:01 10:10:47:08
but she actually, I suspect, wants
to know why you don't like Bradley.
0192 10:10:47:08 10:10:50:09
Or, you know,
this is her perception.
0193 10:10:50:09 10:10:52:19
So you need to pick up from there.
0194 10:10:52:19 10:10:54:24
You need to say to her,
"Oh, I'm so sorry."
0195 10:10:54:24 10:10:57:07
We're all in this
for the best for Bradley.
0196 10:10:57:07 10:11:00:05
And "Why do you think
I don't like him?"
0197 10:11:00:05 10:11:01:10
Right. OK.
0198 10:11:01:10 10:11:04:14
We're all in this to help Bradley.
0199 10:11:04:14 10:11:06:14
Bradley's the main person in this,
0200 10:11:06:14 10:11:11:06
and we all want to work together
to help Bradley.
0201 10:11:11:06 10:11:15:21
So are you annoyed
that we've actually called you in?
0202 10:11:15:21 10:11:20:24
Or do you think that
we've got something against Bradley?
0203 10:11:22:20 10:11:25:07
I don't know.
Yeah, I'm annoyed that I'm in,
0204 10:11:25:07 10:11:27:05
but what is the problem
with Bradley?
0205 10:11:27:05 10:11:30:10
Bradley's just being
a bit disruptive in class.
0206 10:11:30:10 10:11:33:18
He's disrupting the other children.
0207 10:11:33:18 10:11:37:14
We have tried certain strategies
to help Bradley.
0208 10:11:37:14 10:11:41:07
When he gets frustrated,
we take him out of the situation.
0209 10:11:41:07 10:11:45:18
- We calm him down with an LSA.
- Oh, I didn't know none of that.
0210 10:11:45:18 10:11:49:15
I was wondering if there are
any strategies that you use at home
0211 10:11:49:15 10:11:51:15
that we can work together
0212 10:11:51:15 10:11:55:06
and it would be better for
all of us, including Bradley.
0213 10:11:55:06 10:11:57:23
So if there's
any information you can give us...
0214 10:11:57:23 10:12:00:24
His social worker's given me
one of them star charts.
0215 10:12:00:24 10:12:04:10
- Have you got star charts?
- Fantastic. Does it work at home?
0216 10:12:04:10 10:12:08:04
Does he respond well to star charts?
0217 10:12:08:04 10:12:11:07
Yeah, actually. He does, yeah.
0218 10:12:11:07 10:12:14:11
- He did the other day, anyway.
- That's fantastic.
0219 10:12:14:11 10:12:17:19
The idea of this meeting is
you're comfortable, I'm comfortable,
0220 10:12:17:19 10:12:20:03
and we work together
for the best for Bradley.
0221 10:12:20:03 10:12:21:20
That was really, really good.
0222 10:12:21:20 10:12:25:24
But you're natural instinct there
would have been...
0223 10:12:25:24 10:12:29:05
- Yes.
- Prickle. "How dare you criticise?"
0224 10:12:29:05 10:12:32:07
Whereas this way,
you encouraged her,
0225 10:12:32:07 10:12:36:10
which you weren't expecting because
you were expecting that kind of:
0226 10:12:36:10 10:12:40:24
"How dare you talk to me? I'm the
teacher" attitude, but she didn't.
0227 10:12:40:24 10:12:44:17
And you could see
that she was genuinely understanding
0228 10:12:44:17 10:12:47:24
what you were saying to her
and really cared about Bradley,
0229 10:12:47:24 10:12:50:04
and was trying to sort it out.
0230 10:12:50:04 10:12:53:01
So you did, you know,
you responded to that.
0231 10:12:53:01 10:12:55:01
You came up with some strategies.
0232 10:12:55:01 10:13:00:06
You checked with Yvonne
that that was OK for you,
0233 10:13:00:06 10:13:01:24
and then you kept doing it.
0234 10:13:01:24 10:13:05:21
Actually, that time, you did
have to go round a couple of times.
0235 10:13:06:21 10:13:11:09
From this course, one thing that
I've thought, "I could apply this"
0236 10:13:11:09 10:13:15:13
is to actually listen to the anger
and then say to them, "OK."
0237 10:13:15:13 10:13:19:12
"What you're saying to me is this."
So that they get past the anger
0238 10:13:19:12 10:13:22:00
and get on to
what the problem actually is,
0239 10:13:22:00 10:13:26:02
rather than just venting lots of
anger and going round in a circle.
0240 10:13:26:02 10:13:29:17
Next time I feel I have
an angry parent walking towards me,
0241 10:13:29:17 10:13:31:20
I will greet them
with a big smiley face,
0242 10:13:31:20 10:13:35:01
make sure
that I'm welcoming to them.
0243 10:13:35:01 10:13:38:00
I will encourage them
to tell me exactly what's going on.
0244 10:13:38:00 10:13:40:02
I will summarise it back to them
0245 10:13:40:02 10:13:42:22
so it will be clear
we're talking about the same thing.
0246 10:13:42:22 10:13:46:13
I will be questioning them so I've
got all the information that I need,
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and I will be very careful
not to use any negative vocabulary.
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Visiontext Subtitles: Jo Clarke