Tips for communication with your partner
1
Differentiating from our partner 2
Discussing views of trust 2
Listening in general 2
The golden breath 2
Perception checks and whole listening 2
Check the emotion rephrase the words 3
… with a question 3
… or a reflective statement 3
As an actor, play them in that second 3
“On a scale of 1 to 10?” for decisions 3
In the kitchen 3
Setting a bottom line 4
Expectations and assumptions exercise 4
Expressing appreciation and praise 4
Setting goals together 5
Giving feedback 5
“The Heart Talk” for heavy issues 5
Being there when the other is grieving 7
Resolving disagreements 7
Breathe mindfully together 7
Pick a worthy disagreement or unpleasant behavior 8
Restate their point before making yours 8
Assert your feelings peacefully 8
The rope exercise 8
The best way to call a truce 9
How to deal with an angry person 9
Perhaps offer a reward in return 9
If dating: When to say “I love you” 10
Questions when discussing marriage 10
General 10
Caring for and loving each other 11
Intimacy 11
Disagreeing 11
Jealousy 11
Personal ambitions and goals 11
Traditions 12
Spirituality/religion 12
Health habits 12
Friends 12
Money 12
Home maintenance and organization 13
Pets 14
Children 14
In-laws 14
During the engagement period 15
Good books on saving your marriage 15
For Christians: books by S. M. Stanley 15
1
Differentiating from our partner
Differentiation is the ability to maintain your identity when you are in a close relationship. You can rest securely inside yourself and not be swept away by other people’s emotions, opinions, or moods. People who are well differentiated can better hang onto themselves in a close relationship, and to them commitment feels like the freedom to go deeper, to feel union, and to explore oneself.
To differentiate
1. Maintain your center in relationships. Have integrity and be honest.
2. Have self-esteem and a stable mood in the presence of others’ anxieties and worries.
3. Know that your value is a given. Your self-worth remains constant.
4. Develop a set of values through reflection, awareness, learning, and experimentation.
5. Feel comfortable or fascinated by different theories, belief systems, and perspectives.
6. Recognize seduction, control, and manipulation – yours and others.
7. Self-reflect and self-confront.
8. Ask for and receive support without feeling weak or compromised.
9. Give without an agenda or the feeling that you are giving away a part of yourself.
10. See others clearly.
11. Comfort and soothe yourself on your own when faced with stress or difficulties.
Discussing views of trust
Couples with differing views of trust don’t realize the other’s view is different. Discussing when your partner has betrayed your trust can help you see their interpretation of it.
Listening in general
The golden breath
Take a full silent breath after your partner has finished talking and before you speak. In that breath they know you heard what they said, that you are taking it in, and that you are appreciating their communication. These things are worth their weight in gold.
Perception checks and whole listening
To check out whether or not you understand how your mate is feeling, do a perception check, which has three parts:
1. Describe what you think their present feeling is.
2. Ask whether or not your perception is accurate.
3. Refrain from expressing approval or disapproval of the feeling.
“You look sad. Are you?” is an example of a perception check. It communicates the message, “I want to understand your feeling; is this the way you feel?”
Check their emotion and rephrase what was said
… with a question
1
· You seem like you're ______. Are you?
· Is something making you ______?
· Do you feel _____?
· Are you feeling _____?
· You look like you're feeling __. Are you?
1
… or a reflective statement
1
· You feel that ____.
· Tell me if I'm wrong, but I sense that ___
· What I hear you saying is ____
· I sense your underlying concern is ___
1
After you know the emotion that he has, you can then rephrase the content of what he said to show that you understand him.
As an actor, play them in that second
Imagine that you are an actor and playing your partner in a live drama, just as you might with whomever you are speaking in any given second - the cashier at Dunkin’ Donuts, your child’s teacher, etc. If you get into her precise posture and match her tone, you can more easily grasp what she is feeling and thinking.
“On a scale of 1 to 10?” for decision-making
One of you might say to the other, "On a scale of one to ten, how strongly do you feel about this issue?" If one says, "I'm at a nine," and the other says, "I'm at about a three," then go with the approach of the person who feels the strongest.
In the kitchen
· Decide who will be the head chef and who will do the chopping, cleaning, and measuring.
· Give the head chef title to the one who initially thought to make that dish.
· Make sure the week’s menu plan has an equal number of each person’s recipes.
· Don’t cook together if either of you is in a bad mood. If you have time, take a few minutes to unwind before strapping on your apron.
· If you’re not in a good mood and ordering takeout is against house rules, stick with simple meals that produce reliably bold results.
· Listen and learn; your partner’s method might just be better than yours.
Setting a bottom line
Setting a bottom line means naming the behaviors you will not tolerate. If someone crosses it, we stop seeing them – no rationalizing, no excuses. Likewise, we set a bottom line for our own bad behavior – making excuses for the other person, ignoring responsibilities, sacrificing our values to keep the other person, etc. Honoring our bottom line tests our resolve.
Take time to discern your bottom line before discussing it with your partner. Find out what’s true for you and then come from a place of calm strength and not from a reaction to whatever your partner might say. A frequent contention in marriages is how partners use their time. Both people need to set and respect boundaries around this issue.
Sticking to a bottom line will feel like an inner war, but we feel a new freedom when we remain loyal to ourselves. If you want, post your bottom lines together on your bedroom wall.
Consider red-flag behavior of the other person, red-flag behavior of your own, rationalizations and stories you’ve used to disregard your bottom line in the past, and the consequences of disregarding your bottom line.
Expectations and assumptions exercise
This exercise helps you both step back and see your relationship in a realistic light. Take a few minutes to think about the things that you expect and assume about your partner. Do you expect him to open doors for you? Do you expect her to do the cooking? Do you assume he will always side with you against his mother? Do you assume she will always order something different from you in a restaurant so you can share? Do you expect respect? A good-night kiss? Do you assume fidelity, support, or a listening ear?
To begin, each person should draw a line down the center of a piece of paper and write "Expectations" at the top of one column and "Assumptions" at the top of the other column. Then write your list of the things that you tend to expect from your partner (even if you feel you shouldn't) and the things that you assume about your partner (even if you feel you shouldn't). Naturally, these lists could be never-ending, so keep it to the things unique to your relationship or that are particularly important to you.
After you have finished, exchange lists to see what your partner expects and assumes about you. This opens the way for an honest discussion about relationships. Repeat this exercise every so often to raise your awareness about what the other is thinking, feeling, expecting, and assuming.
Expressing appreciation and praise
Showing appreciation and giving compliments are critical when you see your partner every day. It is even more powerful when you speak highly of them to someone else and word gets back to them from the third party.
If you feel unappreciated, gently tell your partner you’d like to be acknowledged more often.
Setting goals together
A shared sense of purpose keeps relationships thriving. Couples who share a common vision and how to achieve it are friends of each other’s excitement. Write your goals down together.
Giving feedback
Focus on…
· giving it when the recipient asks for it or at least is ready for it;
· changeable behaviors, not the personality or person;
· descriptive, not judgmental;
· specific, relevant, and recent; not in the abstract or too far in the past;
· the subjective nature of your perceptions and feelings;
· brevity;
· I-messages [“I-feel-_____(adjective) because/when _____”];
· waiting to speak until you can do so calmly and gently;
· asserting your right to expressing your own negative feelings; and
· making a sandwich: something positive, something negative, and then something positive.
When your partner tries their best to incorporate your feedback, give them praise even if it doesn’t meet your standards. Give the constructive feedback at a later time when they are ready for it.
If spoken feedback is too painful, use written messages.
“The Heart Talk” for heavy issues
The Heart Talk is superb for any issue with a heavy emotional load. If your lover asks for a Heart Talk, do not agree unless you commit to honoring the whole process. It is not a two-way conversation. One person talks, and the other listens. You listen without taking responsibility for what or how the speaker is feeling. You listen without giving advice. The only time you can say anything is if you did not hear or understand what was said. Otherwise, you do not respond until 24 hours later.
As the listener, do not give in to the overwhelming urge to do one of three things:
- You will want to make the talker feel better by offering condolences, comforting hugs, or verbal reassurances that it isn't so bad and that everything will be all right.
- You will want to defend yourself if you feel misunderstood or unfairly judged.
- You will want to offer a quick solution, to jump in and fix the problem.
Deep listening, such as what you will do in a Heart Talk, coupled with the 24-hour waiting period, can lead to the solving of problems and the healing of wounds that have existed for years.
In almost every relationship, one person or the other is verbally dominant: quicker with words, more articulate, more aggressive, and able to steer the conversation in a particular direction. This can be intimidating and confusing for the other. The Heart Talk creates a level playing field. Because the listener can only listen, the other will not be interrupted, will not worry about the reaction of the listener, and will not have to contend with the response, defense, or counter-attacks from the listener because there will not be any.
Sometimes if you are speaking, you will want an immediate response. If so, do not ask for a Heart Talk. Otherwise, this invaluable tool will be forever lost to you.
When you have an issue for a Heart Talk, do not assume that your lover will respond and react in a certain way. You will likely be wrong. Your assumptions about your partner often have more to do with your own fears and suppositions than they do with your partner's reality.
Usually you would not follow a Heart Talk with another one 24 hours later. More likely there will be a normal dialogue to work on the issue if that seems appropriate. Alternatively, as the listener you may have understood the message so clearly that you markedly change your behavior. Whatever your method, a response of some type is necessary.
Steps
- Ask specifically for a "Heart Talk" and hope that your partner agrees to one.
- Sit with each other for a moment or two, just connecting. Take a deep breath. Relax your body. You can hold hands, look in each other's eyes, or match your breathing.
- The person who has requested it then speaks without interruption for as long as they need. Usually Heart Talks do not last a long time. A long Heart Talk would be 15 minutes.
- This is not a license to "dump" on the listener. This is about sharing how you feel. Use "I-messages," such as "I feel very sad and frightened when I think you are ignoring me." To be even more sensitive to your partner's feelings, omit the use of “you” and refer to them (to their face) in the 3rd person, such as in, "I become very sad and frightened when I think (your partner’s name) is ignoring me." On paper this sounds stilted, but it makes the listener feel even less attacked. If you need a more basic formula, try sentences that begin with "I feel (adjective) when I ..."
- If the talker can reveal the deeper emotions of insecurity, the results can be astonishing. If the talker is only dumping on the listener, it is not a Heart Talk and the listener can end it.
- No response is allowed for 24 hours. This is essential for the healing to take place.
- Afterwards, exercise on your own to release any negative energy.
- In the listener’s response 24 hours later, there may be a discussion, a change in behavior, or an acknowledgement that he has heard what has been said but cannot quite respond yet as he needs a little more time. The response will differ from situation to situation.
Being there when the other is grieving